Suspect H cheating, but can't leave right now (long).

[BeenLiedToB4]

Can?t talk to anyone about this. It?s very long, very grateful to anyone who reads and posts a reply.

I suspect H is seeing another woman after finding text exchanges on his phone between him and a former colleague. He meets her frequently for coffee and texts her late at night. He has kept this a complete secret from me, even though he normally tells me all about the colleagues / work friends he has spent time with. They worked together about 3 or 4 years ago and he told me then that false rumours had gone around the office about them having an affair; possibly his colleagues noticed that there was an attraction between them.

About 5 years ago I discovered that he had repeatedly broken my trust (not infidelity, but internet porn/chat rooms and similar). I almost ended the relationship then; we worked through it with counseling. But, I guess the trust was irreparably damaged.

I know him well enough to read his secrecy about seeing this woman as reason to be suspicious. I cannot confront him at this point, he will weave an intricate web of denial, destroy evidence and work hard to cover his tracks if he knows I am on to him.

The problem is that I can?t leave right now because I do not have any way to support DS (18mo) and myself. I am completing some professional training in which I have invested many years and much energy. I need another 6 months to complete this training, and these last 6 months will be very intensive. If I complete the training I can get a decent job, rent a small flat and hopefully support DS on my own. Of course, I could go out tomorrow and get a job, any job, but it won?t be nearly as well paid, and the 5 years I have already invested in this training will be wasted.

The only thing I can think of to do is to carry on as normal, work my arse off to get qualified, and be an impeccable wife to H for the next 6 months so that he can?t turn around and blame me (Ex-P also cheated and I know from bitter experience that cheating men often blame their partners).

I need to set aside the suffocating feelings of betrayal and rejection, and muster the strength and the resolve to keep up the front for 6 months and keep focused on my work. The work is important, it is Mine, the only part of my life that is not in any way dependent on H, and it is my ticket out of here and my chance to support my son.

But I?m scared that, if/when I find out more detail about this affair, the hurt will be too much and I will break down, and/or blow up at him, which will make him angry and deceitful, and give him back control ? he will try to convince me that I?m paranoid and imagining things, and no doubt remind me how much he has done for me (e.g. looking after DS on Saturdays while I study) and how for 2 years I have made only negligible contributions to the family finances. I?m scared the disruption of it all will sabotage my ability to stay focused and get my qualification, and then he will try to take DS.

How can I keep it together enough to be strong for DS, finish this training, and keep up a front for H? Even once I?m qualified, he?ll still earn more than double my salary. Will he be able to take DS? Will I be entitled to any assistance from him to pay DS?s nursery fees so that I can work say 4 days but still have DS with me? If I stay with him after this, I open myself up to being treated like a doormat for the rest of my life. I?m just worried that my exit strategy is too far fetched and it may all blow up in my face and he will have the upper hand and take everything away from me, my career, my son. Because I am currently financially dependent on him, although this was only ever a temporary arrangement, I feel that he has all the power.

I know no-one in an anonymous internet forum can fix this, but I welcome any advice or ideas or feedback to help me sort my head out.

Thank you for your posts Inertia, Patty, sternface, clam and crestico. More useful perspectives. It's true that all that upheaval at the start of a new job may not be much less disruptive than it would be now.

sternface you make some quite insightful points about how I'm feeling and the effect of carrying on for 6 months.

I need some more time to think this through and prepare myself, including taking up some of the suggestions on here re legal advice, finances, evidence, etc. so that whenever I feel ready to confront him, I can do it on my terms. The point is to avoid a situation in which I'm an emotional wreck and he can try to convince me either than I'm paranoid/inventing things or blame me and make it impossible for me to finish my training. Thanks for all the kind words and advice.

beenliedto, I wish I had not had my first thread deleted- I was just exactly like you. I had been for years. He was just so credible and articulate, and it didnt seem like him at all. He never panicked and hardly contradicted himself until I put him under real pressure at the end. I even started to write doen what he said, he would tie me up in knots in one of these discussions, and I am not stupid or inarticulate myself.

You could look at my 23 Jan thread, gives some of the history, if it helps.

The clue here is the same for you and for me, but I only see that now. That clue is that HE IS COMPULSIVE.

Really, my h is compulsive and work/interest obsessed as well, and it is part of a package with this personality type, namely affair/sex compulsive after their other compulsions fail to satisfy, externally confident often, low self esteem from childhood, maybe clever, funny and articulate and a massive manipulator/game player.

My h actually tells me now he manipulated me and lied in small ways from when we first met.

My friends and family were stunned, it seemed so unlike him, although closest friend and sister, in whom I had confided over the years, believed it before I did.

Your 'niceness' may be your downfall. It certainly was for me. Every year approx after having a new piece of evidence denied for a weekend or more falt, and no proof, I would give up and allow myself to believe him. Maybe I would snoop or a ew weeks more, whilst he was obviously on his guard, and then move on with life. Another year would go by, and then I would find more accidentally usually, again, and the process would start up again.

I wasted years of my life, 6 in fact.

Do you want to be me?

i've just become convinced that instincts are SO important.

my sister's then husband had never been late home from work, hadn't really changed in any way, had never given any signs and yet she knew. she tried to think she was being pregnant hormone mad and paranoid but literally she just knew it and then one day checked his phone and found a voicemail message that referenced a time and place, went there and saw them together. he'd been literally just seeing this woman (his secretary cliche-ly enough) in his lunch hour - shagging her in hotel rooms.

i personally don't think you need go on massive snooping missions or install spyware or anything - i think now your eyes are open you will spot things and see the gaps in the story or contradictions in tales iyswim and when you have the opportunity have a glance at the phone, bank statements etc. there'll come a point where he says he's doing something and you won't believe him and then you'll be able to cross check and prove yourself right. i don't think you need to go out of your way, it will come in time.

the MOST important thing is taking care of yourself and staying focussed on your goals as you know. i'm wishing you every strength in that.

fiventhree I have just looked at your 23rd Jan thread. I'm sorry you've had such an unbelievably shitty time. The similarities are so many that I feel sick. DH is funny, charming, everyone loves him; in lots of ways he's lovely to me but can also be incredibly manipulative and quite demanding.

The first time I caught him in an internet chat room (weeks before our wedding) his denial was so credible I believed I had been seeing things (I walked up behind him on the computer one night when he thought I was asleep). Later on I came across such a raft of evidence that, under threat of me leaving, he was forced to admit the internet and text sex (I already knew about the porn and he had even asked me to put passwords on the computer to help him control his use of it).

I found out that he had been on dating sites including ones specifically for extra-marital affairs. He said he was 'just looking' and 'just curious'. I've always, always suspected that he cheated in person (as well as online) way back then, but knew I could never get it out of him, because he knew that would be a dealbreaker and he didn't want me to leave him.

We had been happy together; we had a good sex life and he never denied this. He seemed taken aback and genuinely distraught when I tried to kick him out over it. My first reaction was to feel jealous and rejected and I was sure it must be because I didn't measure up in some way. But I came to realise that these compulsive behaviours have nothing to do with me. In a way I think that realisation helped me deal with it, and move on; and he did things which seemed to demonstrate his commitment.

Now that I know he is hiding something from me again, and looking over threads from women in similar relationships in this forum, I think it's always going to be like this unless I get out, now. It doesn't matter that he really does love me, that we are close in other ways, that this or that or the other is still good. It will always be like this and I will never be able to trust him. He doesn't trust himself (he admits that much, at least).

The most recent text he sent to the suspected OW was late in the evening, and it read, "sorry for all the texts, no excuse except I'm a twat". She replied to say she hadn't got any such texts. I couldn't find them on his phone (but forgot to check the Drafts folder). Given his history, my guess is that the best case scenario is that, even if they haven't already started/previously had an affair, he has been cultivating a flirty friendship with this woman because he is interested in her sexually, and he had one of his 'compulsive' moments and sent her a bunch of inappropriate/sex texts (or tried to, perhaps he was a bit drunk). That is the best case scenario, as far as I can tell. I almost feel humiliated on his behalf - this is someone he worked with and he still has an ongoing professional relationship with her firm. Luckily for him, he is attractive and perhaps she is interested too - but this sort of thing could also backfire and he could get done for sexual harassment and lose his job. Yet he still can't bloody control himself.

I'm starting to think the posters who said it would be too hard to sit out the 6 months are right. In order to move forward I need to start grieving the loss of my marriage, and all the dreams I had invested in it for all three of us. I can't do that until I've had it out with him and ended it. I'm 33, there's still time for a new life. I feel all broken inside though.

And I have to spend the next 3 days smiling sweetly at one of his family weddings.

Sorry for pouring all this out. I think writing it down somewhere just helps me to clarify things in my own head, and pull together all the threads, and make sure I don't delude myself any more.

OP, what I would find hardest to do in your situation would be to hide the utter contempt I would feel every time I looked at this man

He is willing to risk his comfortable life on a regular basis, for what ?

A cheap thrill, a frisson of sexual excitement, a hard-on, a transient ego-boost

How stupid and pathetic he sounds, despite the outwardly charming persona. I would have to laugh at him, and tell him I knew what an utter fool he was making of himself.

The dealbreaker for me though, would be the assumption he has that he could continue treating me like a fool. Are you someone's fool, OP ? Do you see yourself in that role. I don't, and neither should you.

You know what, I would swerve the family wedding.

I would tell him "I am done, tell your family what you like. I just spent my last day covering up for your inadequacy"

Wow, you are right, massive similarities between both our h?s and us, I think.

Oh do pour it out. It helps.

I so feel for you. I really do.

Mine does sound just like yours. Funny, charming and everyone like him, you say?

Mine too- hysterically witty and quick with it, clever and knowledgeable. I think actually this way of being in public (which we see sometimes at home, but often not, as they are off elsewhere obsessing) is actually a way of keeping people at bay, and gaining approval at the same time. Giving nothing much in practice which is too near the bone/personal, whilst using humour to stay in control and entertain at the same time.

My h is generous, too, and like yours would never fuss about supporting me to do what I wanted, as long as it wasn?t affecting him, and he would never hit me or behave overtly abusively. He has in fact usually displayed very good outward morals and political correctness, if you like, eg at work etc and in his general views about women and relationships etc.

Except in terms of childcare involvement and support at home. So his actions and words/even his beliefs, did not match up in practice. Talk is cheap.

And mine would never have gone for a wife who was a pushover or easy to control, either. I could conjecture about this too. I think I added to his status at the time, actually, in his eyes that is. Status is important to a person with low self esteem, isn?t it?

He actually likes the fact I am not a pushover- except he has pushed me over quite alot, I now see.

Now, when I was 33, and we had been together 4 years, what you and I have experienced now didn?t happen to me, as far as I know. And with only two children myself at this point (instead of 5) I would never have let this happen to me either- I would have walked and he knew it. In fact, I would have thrown him out. And at this point I had an owned home and good job too, and he didn?t, and no kids between us.

But now I am 51, with kids 11, 13 and 15 with him, and the two older ones grown and gone. It is alot harder.

Even so, I am not a fool and wont take this a second time. The thing is, it may have gone on for five plus years, but now I DO know there is no going back. I am more alert, and less gullible, and also I see what he could and would do, because he has admitted he has. I have, as you see even in January, started to think differently, and see the past differently.

People on my thread pointed out quite rightly that I was trying to cascade and he wasn?t doing the work etc. It was true. But I have learned a fair bit though my own research. And through thinking and MN etc. And from then on I have only read things about me, if at all, and why I allowed this to happen.

And I have promised, sworn to myself, that I will NEVER give him a further chance if he fucks this up again.

Clearly, I am taking a big risk here, but for one time only. And I am watching is progress in terms of dealing with his general obsessive behaviour as well, as that alone again would be enough for me to move on.

I think your problem is that your has been discovered, admitted it, and done it again, and probably more than once. He has absolutely no excuse, given what has happened, to be texting any girl like that or on any websites. My h is bending backwards at the moment (early days admittedly) to reassure me and would not try to justify it texts like that.

And your h may well think that since you have forgiven him a few times, he can get away with it again, possibly?

But you are young, with a child admittedly, but few other major ties. Your child is young- mine would have been distraught at a split, and then tension over the last few years has caused them harm, as they were old enough to see it.

I cant advise you what to do. Anyway, I think you know what you want and need.

Re timing- there are advantages to staying and strategising for your future on your terms.

But the downside is not just the extra stress, but this:

?he really does love me, that we are close in other ways, that this or that or the other is still good.?

The fact he does love you and you are close in other ways and he is witty and I bet a real friend often (yes, us too), may serve to allow you to move on from this over a six month period and stay with him, against your instincts. And you will have a new job then, no doubt, as well, to take your energy.

nothing useful to add op but glad you're pouring it all out. it's really clear to see that you are processing and working through stuff and thinking clearly. you have a really good head on your shoulders.

proudnscary, sorry to reply so late, but these are tips of divorced women and 'looking back what I should have done'...

1. started stashing money from cashback in a box somewhere in the house/if he gives you a set allowance buying cheaper and diverting saving into a box etc. This is not traceable, because household expenditure is household expenditure. It means that should he get financially nasty you have s/thing to keep you going in the mean time.

1. W/powder Flash etc are VERY expensive (I remember setting up home my shock at how much this stuff brooms buckets etc cost!). So buy and store, so in your new home, that is an expenditure you don't have to worry about.

Lied2, half of the assets are yours. don't do that whole 'I dont' want anythingof his' stuff. What do you think that legal contract you signed at your wedding means? Don't underestimate your contribution. He gets his career BECAUSE you support his home.

Think about it: why are there so many more male surgeons than female? Because of the hours put in on the practise, to make the grade. 'He can do it because he is supported, by a person he takes completely for granted. He has someone at home washing his socks and ironing his shirts so he can focus on his career. I have to find that time on top' (a female candidate). That remark has never left me.

My husband has his career BECAUSE of my support. I bore him his children, and their welfare is paramount to me over everything and that means their financial future. Of course I get half. I will also look after 'his' money better than he would! (I am a saver and an investor, he buys stuff to fill his emptiness). So I don't have a flicker of doubt over this. And funnily enough, nor does he.

Good post Abitwobbly