I have been OW, and feel guilty, and where do I go from here to put things right?

[usurper]

I'm a name changed regular because I suspect I will get a flaming.

I'm single, and met someone off the internet 3 months ago. Before meeting (which was in a public place, etc) during chatting etc he told me he was separated. I discovered after we met he was not quite as separated as he had led me to believe (ie. not at all). However, I spent almost 4 weeks seeing him, and having sex with him, before finding my conscience and backbone from whatever black hole I'd lost it down and saying he needed to leave if he wasn't happy, I wasn't seeing him while he was lying any more. That was 2 months back. He's now left her, but has told her he has left her "because he met someone else". His children are furious (late teens/twenties) and his wife is devastated.

I don't know what to do now. I do want to be with him. The guilt is pretty huge given that I have been the catalyst for this damage. I don't imagine I can ever put this right. Is there any advice? He's also 20 years older than me, I am closer in age to his children. Is this all doomed to disaster? He says he is in love, and I think I am, but is it just lust? I feel so, so sorry for his wife and my actions were indeed disgusting.

You can't put it right can you! You had an affair with a married man! Disgraceful!

What goes around comes around, why on earth do you think he will be faithful to you, if he wasn't to his wife

Don't want to judge you OP. When I met dh (actually now stbxh) he was in a relationship (living together). He had a poor track record - a five year marriage (no kids) ended by him and several other live-in gfs discarded.

His gf went away for three months travelling, and he and I were working together. We fell in love and had a short guilty affair. He ended things with her when she got back, but it didn't last and he dumped me and they got back together.

When they split for good a few months later we got together again. We got married and had two dds. But I can honestly say, I think we were doomed from the beginning. That's not to say we had no happy times. We have managed 14 years.

But the early days of a relationship should be joyful and fun, discovering each other, not guilty and fraught and insecure. There's some old cliche that relationships are like bank accounts and you build up credit (happy memories, closeness) in the good times that you need to draw on in the rougher ones. If you start like this, you begin with an 'overdraft'. I did, and I always resented it if I'm honest, though I thought I'd got over it. When things got rough later on, the early traumas came back to haunt us.

Also, let's look at this guy of yours on paper...

You are not the first, he's a serial cheat (my dh wasn't fwiw). That does make a difference. He hasn't done this because you are the love of his life, it's a pattern and a habit.

He's too OLD for you!!! My dh is 14 years older than me so I speak from experience. The gap can feel bigger as you get older. When you are his age, you will likely still fancy guys the age he is now, but he will be twenty years older and feel like your dad.

If you had a baby with this guy it will all be special and new for you. Wouldn't you like it to be with a guy who hasn't done it all before? It's magical becoming a parent; you can't share the experience with this man, he has had it already.

I'm not judging you for being the OW; we are all human and good people can do 'bad' things. Just look at this with cold eyes. This guy is a loser. Everyone telling you to run for the hills is giving you great advice.

my deleted post was completely reasonable

Gosh AF, didnt see your post but am sure it would have been very relevant to the thread.

UnhappyLizzie thought your post was very helpful to the Op and to people like myself, who have seen this from the other side with my exH having an affair and leaving for a much younger OW, thank you. I am now in a much better place but its still nice to know that one day Karma will maybe bite them both on the bum!

Um, you are falling for, and want to be with, a man you know is capable of lying, cheating and deceiving his wife and children?

You must be nuts. Or desperate to get just as hurt yourself.

Move on right now, and don't go down this path. Ick.

"You can't help who you fall in love with" That is the most lamo excuse ever! Even if you can't help who you fall "in love" with, you can be sensible about it.

OP, he lied to you, he lied to his wife and he has cheated before. Run, run, run for the hills! He is NOT relationship material and what you are feeling is not love, which is generally based on mutual trust and respect, but silly old schoolgirl infatuation.

Save yourself a lot of heartache and stay away from this loser. And I hope his wife kicks him out too!

No more sign of the OP then?

Nope thinks she has done a runner on us and not him!

Tch, the bloke sounds like a bellend but he's far more the Bad Person than the OP. She hasn't been telling lies or betraying anyone. His marriage is his moral and ethical responsibility, not hers.

Usurper, there are plenty of less knobbish men out there you could shag happily or indeed 'fall in love' with. Falling in love is not that big a deal, it really isn't. Anyone can fall in love or be fallen in love with, the feelings are either fed and reinforced, or they aren't. There's a massive pool of human beings out there, a pretty good percentage of whom would make perfectly nice and acceptable life partners, if a life partner is what you want. There are men out there with all the good points of this one, but without the wife, kids, tendency to bullshit and all the rest of the baggage.

I would have loved to have met the OW in our relationship just to sort out a few home truths! Sadly, she would not respond and my X protected her, stopped her and tried to pretend that I'm nuts!

Sorry, OP - you may have been used! Dump him!

He is NOT in love with you. He doesn't know you. He is in love with his projection, a fantasy, a delusion that you will make him as young as you are. 'You' as a real human being don't actually exist for him right now

hear hear! He is NOT in love with you (to repeat)! He is in love with himself!

You didn't accidentally meet or fall in love (bleurgh) accidentally: he specifically cast a net WHEN HE WAS MARRIED.

You made the godawful mistake of falling for his love for himself charms. Now's your chance! GET OUT!

this is sleazy OP. Listen to the posters who have learned the hard way. this is heartache on a stick. I do so hope you get a revelation and see it for what it is (or him for what he is ).

I doubt there was anything wrong with his marriage - apart from his dick falling out of his trousers on the odd occasion that is. Now he's bagged a young, nubile girl and he can't believe his luck! HE'S NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU

OP - you KNOW this isn't right. Dump him and find someone your own age and who is SINGLE!

Seriously, you are wasting your time. - Find someone of your own age who has firaly little history and no children. You are SO young!

BUT DUMP HIM! He really is USING you.

he made you the excuse for leaving! what a position to put someone you love in.

I met my Ex and he said he was separated from his wife. I believed him however, last summer I saw some evidence which showed that he had actually got back with his wife by this time though we had had a baby, bought a house etc and I was also going through some crap and again he managed to talk me round with more lies.

Needless to say he left me for OW. If he has done it to her he will do it to you. It makes no difference that you stopped seeing him until he left her. He has still left his marriage for you. Can you really live with that and the animosity from his children for the rest of your life and you will also constantly live with teh feeling he may leave you for someone else.

Sorry I should have explained better that he had split from his wife but had got back with her when he met me but told me they were still separated. I did not know this though.