I have been OW, and feel guilty, and where do I go from here to put things right?

[usurper]

I'm a name changed regular because I suspect I will get a flaming.

I'm single, and met someone off the internet 3 months ago. Before meeting (which was in a public place, etc) during chatting etc he told me he was separated. I discovered after we met he was not quite as separated as he had led me to believe (ie. not at all). However, I spent almost 4 weeks seeing him, and having sex with him, before finding my conscience and backbone from whatever black hole I'd lost it down and saying he needed to leave if he wasn't happy, I wasn't seeing him while he was lying any more. That was 2 months back. He's now left her, but has told her he has left her "because he met someone else". His children are furious (late teens/twenties) and his wife is devastated.

I don't know what to do now. I do want to be with him. The guilt is pretty huge given that I have been the catalyst for this damage. I don't imagine I can ever put this right. Is there any advice? He's also 20 years older than me, I am closer in age to his children. Is this all doomed to disaster? He says he is in love, and I think I am, but is it just lust? I feel so, so sorry for his wife and my actions were indeed disgusting.

Flightty - I totally disagree that you can't help who you fall in love with.

I haven't 'fallen in love' with anyone in the 17 years I've been with my dh because I haven't allowed any inappropriate relationships or friendships to develop.

Of course I fancy other blokes - blokes that I might have gone for if I'd have been single, blokes I might have fallen in love with if a relationship had ensued.

And I like male company but I have always been careful not to flirt (in an eye-contact, suggestive way) or text or email anyone that might take it the wrong (or right!) way. It's called boundaries and respecting your partner.

It is very easy not to fall in love with someone else!!

I can see what you mean, Proud. I suppose you're right, but I'm trying to think of why I disagree with you

and all I can come up with is this. That you're already in love. And you maybe can't love two men in that way at the same time.

Maybe?

I don't know, I'm not clever or experienced enough to know all that much. But from my own experience which of course won't be like everyone else's, I've found that I can only fall properly in love with one person at a time.

And once I've got that person in my mind/heart/whatever, no one else really comes close. Yes there are nice people and you fancy them a bit, but the person you actually love stays right there in the middle because that's where they started off.

I don't remember choosing to love any of the three men I've fallen properly, big time in love with, it just happened...no 'head' involved, only heart (or I'd have chosen richer ones!) (or maybe not) but do you see what I mean...it's an overwhelming thing when it really happens, and not something I felt I could have done a damn thing about. Acting on it or not, though, is within my remit. I accept that.

I'm sorry, feels like a hijack All About Me and it's not really relevant. The OP will know if this is a blinding light from space or if it's just one of those blokes you think might be the one. iykwim. And if it's the latter then yes there probably is more of an element of choice.

Oh and all of them happened when I was single. If I'd been properly in love with someone else at the time, it couldn't have happened, I don't think. Because that part of your brain is full.

That's why I'm always cautious about affairs, because I don't think you can actually love someone new when you already love your wife/husband. Fancy, yes. Love? That's more of an attachment and no, I don't think two at once is easy to achieve, so someone, somewhere, is being screwed over, every time. Might be the mistress, might be the wife but one of them, for sure, isn't loved.

"love" is not some blinding bolt from the blue.

the "bolt" is lust, immediate attraction. if you ignore it, it will die quite quickly.

if you cultivate it, attachment develops. that attachment can be healthy or unhealthy, the fact that it develops doesn't make it "right" or "cosmic" or "meant to be". it just develops because you cultivate it.

then, if you are lucky and the attachment is healthy, mature love develops. love = deep attachment, cultivated for a long time, creating a cycle of good feelings between two people.

but an unhealthy attachment can also continue. it just turns into an abusive relationship rather than a love relationship

i get mildly homicidal when people talk about "LOVE" like it's some kind of cosmic ideal that springs fully formed from eternity. that kind of attitude is what ruins lives imo

the OP has experienced lust, which she acted on. she could have chosen not to act on it, but she didn't. she is now attached. probably unhealthily. and it will most likely end in tears.

the intelligent thing to do is to end the liaision forthwith.

Well I do see what you mean to a point - but your 'heart ruling over head' is just lust, attraction. Certainly to begin with.

So if you have self control and love and respect for your partner, you back right off then. You accept you fancy someone and you secretly enjoy it and you don't act on it.

There was someone at work I was madly in lust with a couple of years ago. He didn't know, I never showed it.

I could have showed it. I could have sidled up to him at the Christmas party or suggested going for a working lunch or waited for him to walk to the tube station. Then we might have gone for a drink, talked, connected, kissed goodbye, arranged another lunch, held hands etc etc.

Then would it have been fair enough for me to say 'Oh we just fell in love, we couldn't help it'? No I would have made those situations happen.

oh dear OP

got a feeling this thread is going to turn nasty :( (if it hasn't already, haven't read any replies yet)

pm me if you would like to. i won't judge or be nasty. i have been here.

Well, usually I'd be throwing stones but you sound so nice O.P. I'd say go for it providing it really is over between him and his wife. There must have been other stuff going on before you came along. Stop beating yourself up an get on with it shit happens. Sometimes.

yeah, what fabulous said ^^

So tell us, Misty, how did it end up?

Ok, you made a mistake.
Reading as an outsider, I feel your relationship with him will be short lived, there won't be a happy ending and you would have wasted some precious time in your youth.

It is not worth. Please don't destroy your life.

I'd run for the hills. Don't be tempted into thinking continuing a post-split relationship with him will somehow make it all OK, as it was a mahoosive thunderbolt, love at first sight, grand passion etc. It's already messy, and will continue being messy, unless you withdraw from the situation, which you can do. Don't forget the infidelity was very calculated on his part, he went on a dating site and lied that he was separate, which isn't exactly the sort of moment great Hollywood romances are made of..

Yes, you're right, Proud. But the fact is you already love your DH. So there was no need, no space for that attachment, to enable that, those situations where it would have grown.

Oik, you might be right too. I don't know. I fell in love not that long ago, and it's very clear in my mind and I'm trying to put it into words.

Ok. First off an immediate attraction. I couldn't do much about walking away because it was a work situation, and he had to be there. I had to be there as well. Perhaps if he had gone off and worked somewhere else it would have died quickly, like you say, but he didn't.

I don't see love as 'cosmic' or fated or whatever. I just think there are some people you connect with very deeply for some reason, probably they remind you of someone from your very early years and therefore there's an enormous resonance.

I don't believe in soul mates or anything like that. Just some connections are pretty deep.
I dunno....it's hard to say because I had not much choice in being around him, and I wrote in my diary, the first day we met, that I felt very deeply about him already, and how daft it was. and what the hell was wrong with me. And yes, if he had walked away that day and not had to come back, I'd never have seen him again and it wouldn't have progressed.

But we were in each other's pockets for a few weeks and here we are, still together, still very much in love and it doesn't feel any different from day 1 if I'm honest. So I do think it can be very quick when it happens.

In short I don't think I chose to fall in love with him. I just did, straight away, well, within a few minutes. Doing anything about it was definitely a choice, but luckily we both wanted to so that wasn't much of an issue.

I think circumstances can mean it's something that happens to you, whether it's welcome or not, and I don't think DP was really hoping for the hassle I've caused him! But I don't think that you have to act on it (and I don't think you should, if it would hurt someone else.)

Sorry blooming long post.

Anyway the OP says she thinks she's in love/falling for him. To me that kind of indicates that it isn't a sure thing, she isn't sure she loves him. So there is the potential to walk away and I think she should. fwiw.

Sounding poncey and horrible but when I knew, I just knew and there was no 'I think' or maybe about it. I just loved him. Straight off.

Doesn't happen very often, not to me anyway.

Flightty the intense "love" feelings (which are actually lust/attraction -- aka resonance) usually fade after 18-24 months. if you are still in the early days, i can see why you are defending your feelings and saying you "can't help them"

and you're right, you can't help the attraction feeling. that is normal, you are meant to not be able to help them. this is how human beings pair-bond and breed. it's simple biology.

but if you were married, or had a commitment to another, you would move heaven and earth not to cultivate that initial attraction. THAT is the choice that is involved. we are sentient beings who have the power of insight and choice.

it's really that simple. you didn't need to avoid cultivating your attraction and are now enjoying the feeling of it blossoming; the OP should have avoided it, and now she finds herself in an ugly situation and she is spouting the platitude that you "can't help you you love" in order to justify her position.

and that leaves a bad taste in my mouth because it is simply untrue. you can't help who you're attracted to, but if you have an ounce of maturity you CAN choose not to pursue an attraction and allow it to develop into something more...

Oh I see. Yes, no I totally agree with you that she shouldn't use those feelings however strong or not they might be, as an excuse. I've done that before too and it was a huge mistake.

I try to take full responsibility for my actions, I can't take responsibility for my feelings though and they can be very strong very quickly.

You're also right that I'm still in the bit where you are blind to anything that might be wrong with the other person. Last time it lasted for a really long time, and only now can I really say I don't love my ex any more. There's still a little bit there, of something. Sadness more than anything else I guess and a nostalgia for a connection that was broken, spoiled in the end.

How do you distinguish love from lust though? Can you not love someone immediately? Rather than just wanting them? I dunno. Maybe not.

and this probably ain't the place to ask...sorry, again.

Well, you can't put things right can you?

"he's cheated several times before"

Wow, such a catch. Run, run for the hills and don't look back

OP I wonder why his wife and dc want to talk to you?
Probably to tell you that you aren't the first and probably won't be the last.
Walk away ... He will bring you nothing but trouble.
If you don't walk away and stay with him then I'm afraid you will deserve all you get.

They probably don't want to talk to her. It's probably some weird manipulation he's come up with so they can meet his new GF.

The OP has disappeared. Not wanting to hear what's being said possibly.

Usurper, lots of women here have had plenty of opportunity to consider this from the other side of the fence, including once the affair is over and they are looking at the reasons.

Despite what Ergo says, most men who get into affairs, and certainly a serial adulterer, have affairs because there is something wrong inside, or because they feel entitled. Regardless of problems or otherwise in the marriage- there may or may not be, but he is still the problem in this respect.

From a selfish viewpoint, those qualities, or lack of them, will be the ones you will be dealing with down the line if you stay with him.

Even if you stay, evidence suggests it will not work out for you- eg look at the Shirley Glass book, there is a whole chapter on the OW and her feelings/issues, and stats.

"Despite what Ergo says, most men who get into affairs, and certainly a serial adulterer, have affairs because there is something wrong inside, or because they feel entitled. Regardless of problems or otherwise in the marriage- there may or may not be, but he is still the problem in this respect."

Absolutely. There are many healthy and honourable ways to address your difficulties with another person you are in a relationship with: you can open your mouth (fancy that!).

You can write a letter.

You can even phone a counsellor and arrange a meaningful dialogue.

Those are mature and responsible ways to address issues. Ergo, to blame the ONE person in the triangle who doesn't know what is going on, and who hasn't given their consent - unlike cheating H and complicit OW - is illogical. Isn't that convenient to blame the one person who has no idea!!! It is hugely unfair, and I think 5 answered you very calmly.

Ergo and others who 'blame the marriage', please try hard to stop peddling this myth. The marriage is NOT to blame, however there may be issues inside it. The REASONS for affairs lie IN the person CHOOSING to have an affair.

1. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. How could there be, a marriage consists of two individuals who have to communicate, negotiate and compromise.
2. If imperfect marriages 'caused' cheating, then all marriages would have cheating, which is not true. There are a lot of good men out there who DON'T cheat because they are feeling hard done by or having a general hissy fit.
3. Note those hard tasks: communicate, negotiate, compromise (ie having room for the other person's point of view, and valueing it equal to your own. An ACT of love). Notice how much they are marks of MATURITY?
4. IMMATURE people have affairs. And cause a lot of chaos, pain and destruction whilst they enter this futile solution to feeling better, which involves ignoring everyone else's needs other than their own. Encouraging and helping an immature man run away from his problems and 'lose' himself in you signals a high level of immaturity in yourself.

Affairs are a very, very bad idea. All round.

Abitwobblynow - excellent posting, glad you have put the few posters who think there is a problem in the marriage that makes these poor men have affairs, it is very true that they have an underlying character flaw.

I am so please that I found this site and all the amazingly helpful posters.