How to tell someone you've been lying for the last two weeks?

[TheElusiveBidet]

This isn't my ususal posting name as DH knows it.

Quick background - I was signed off with stress at the end of January. The stress being caused by having a child with some not insignificant health problems, an incredibly stressful job and a few other things. By the time I was signed off it had got to the stage where I was actively considering just disappearing off the face of the earth.

I'm taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety stuff and had planned to go back after the 6 weeks the doc insisted I was off for to allow them to take effect. Its been a strange experience as going from working 50-60 hour weeks to nothing left me floundering at first, but as it came up to the end of the 6 weeks I felt that I could go back, so arranged with occy health to start again.

Problem was that the week before I was due to start I started to get panicy again and on the day of my return, I got as far as the car park and had a full blown panic attack. I was rescued by a couple of my work colleagues and my lovely boss who sent me home and I was signed off again for another 3 weeks and then for a month on phased return.

All OK so far, but when I tried to tell my DH about this he was an arse. He'd been an arse earlier in the week when I said I was anxious about going back - by arse, when I said it he just sighed and walked off. When I told him about the panic attack, he said "Well what was that for" and then went on to be arsey again.

So, I didn't tell him I'm still signed off and for the last 2 weeks I've got up in the morning, got showered and dressed and pretended to go to work. How fucked up is that? I mean I know its seriously fucked up, but thats what I've been doing.

Problem is that now he's going to play football on Sat with some of my work colleagues and I can't ask them to lie for me as that would give them a window into my marriage which I just can't give them, so I'm going to have to tell DH that a) I'm still off work and b) I've been lying to him and pretending to go to work for the last fortnight.

I don't even know what advice Mumsnet can give me about this one, but I had to get it down somewhere as I have no idea what to do about it and I'm crapping myself.

He'd have to be a very cruel person to react with anything but sympathy when you admit what you've been doing. It's obviously a symptom of a bigger problem, and the lie will seem insignificant once you've been honest with him.

The sooner you speak to him the better.

Don't be afraid - just tell him tonight. ' By the way, I am still signed off. I've felt like I cannot talk to you about this recently and I wonder why that is ?'

That way - you tell him but put the onus on him to give reasons as to why he is being a little cruel

Well I hope so as considering I didn't feel like I could tell him in the first place I have no idea how this is going to go down.

I should have known something like this would happen.

Yes, you shouldn't have lied but you lied because he was being an arse. So just tell him that - no reason for you to shoulder all of the guilt/fuckedupness.

Say "I should have told you and I'm sorry I didn't but the reason I didn't was you were being a completely unsupportive arse." Maybe point out that the GP didn't sigh and walk away, and the GP has considerably more experience in these things than he does. You're right that it gives a window into your marriage, and I'm sorry you're going through all this.

I think he's scared of the implications of me deciding that I can't keep up with my work AND home life any more as it would mean some major life changes as I support us financially and I don't think he wants to face that.

what are his main concerns?

Is it money? Is he afraid you'd lose your job? Does he feel that you should just 'get over it and pull yourself together? ' Does he feel that this has been going on for a long time?

If you can identify why he is so exasperated that may help.

X post...

There's the financial side - i.e. my job pays the mortgage and bills and all of the extras. I earn 2.5 x what he does.

There's the emotional side that this is the second time I've got this stressed in 5 years, but to be fair to me the first time was when DS was seriously injured in an accident and spent 6 months in and out of hospital and this time is down to DS's SN issues on top of work stress.

I don't think we can carry on with both of us working 40+ hours a week with two small children, one of whom has SN but there doesn't seem to be any leeway on either side so I feel like everything is my responsibility to sort out.

Drop something heavy on his foot so he can't play, the arse. Seriously though, just tell him because the longer you wait the more stress you're under. Good luck.

It sounds like you've had a traumatic time. Does your DH understand the nature of your illness or does he assume that because you are not bed ridden that you are able to function as you did before?
Why did you pretend,where you worried about his response? I assume you're not making it up, therefore you don't need to lie.
Maybe when you tell your DH, you could explain how you feel and if if he's not prepared to see it as an illness then maybe you have a clue about a major cause of your meltdown.
Try to rest and get better. Accept offers of help it's not a sign of weakness..

It isnt. Is is both of yours.

I have lived like you, a few years ago. I earned 3x as much, we had a mortgage and two cars, and my h was a real arse- ie he didnt do much at home and was never there. He says now that it was because he was trying to improve his career to take the pressure off me. But Im not sure thats the complete version.

I did get high BP, and I had three toddlers under 4, a teenager, and a problematic young adult child. I was often really pissed off with h, and he with me.

It has done untold long term damage to our relationship and also the children, by implication, and it really wasnt worth it...but I never did think at the time that I had any alternative.

But I did, and here it is. I went part time. Later on we moved house. Unfortunately not to a cheaper place- big mistake- so we are doing that now, and should have to start with.

Really, we all tell ourselves on this internal loop that we must live here, do this, do that, but deep down we know we do have choices. They are just scary to make.

Could your boss not agree part time for a year? You would then have an opportunity to assess both the financial and social impact.

FWIW, we havnt had a foreign holiday for three years now, and I couldnt care less.

That many hours, and an unsympathetic h?

Quite possibly you need to be more assertive, and just say no.

To be fair to DH the first time I was ill, he was very supportive, but I don't think he wants to go through it again.

I've tried to explain that the job and everything it entails is making me ill, but his answer is to take anti-depressants as I can cope when I am on them. Part of me thinks that if the only way I can get through my daily life is to be taking pills to make me cope then this isn't a good way to live.

He asks what he can do to help, but short of him cutting his hours (he won't we've had that discussion) to take some of the pressure off me I don't know what else he could do as we already put equal effort into the house and children.

I've also worked very hard to get where I am so I am worried what will happen if I take my foot off the pedal, as I doubt I'll be able to get back here. I didn't save properly when I was younger so my pension is v small and savings non-existent and actually just knowing that what I decide will affect the whole family so much is a big scary thing.

I've been lucky enough to be in full time work since I finished Uni when I was 22 and the thought of doing something else scares the crap out of me.

I'm waffling now I know, but I do need to get this out somewhere.

Babs - I had counselling first time around and he didn't know about that either.

its all a bit crap isn't it?

To be fair to DH the first time I was ill, he was very supportive, but I don't think he wants to go through it again

To be fair, it's not something he can opt in and out of. If you are ill, you are ill. You don't get the choice as to whether you go through it again or not, so nor does he. You needed support then, and you need support now - supporting you then is no use to you now, especially if his answer is for you to be on medication so he doesn't have to make any changes to his life.

You telling a lie is not the issue here. Him being an arse about you being ill is.

Yes reading this it doesn't really say much for my relationship does it. Arse.

I'm not disappearing but have to go out for a couple of hours. Thanks for all of your replies so far.

Really sorry to hear this, i'm a fellow anxiety sufferer so I feel your pain.

As for your DH, he's being an arse and shouldn't have said that and should be supporting you. But......

Is he being an arse because he doesn't understand or know how to react, my DH is like this, because he's never seen me have a full blow panic attack so doesn't really know what to do, or what it actually is, and being a typical bloke tends to just try and brush it under the carpet so I don't really talk to him about it.

I'd do what's suggested above, just tell him... Simply say, 'darling, I've been signed off work again due to my panic attacks, I've been signed off since X, I didn't tell you because you reacted badly last time I spoke to you about it. Sorry I shouldn't have misled you, but I've got XYZ to deal with already without you being unsupportive too, so decided not to tell you because it was easier and I didn't want to add to my anxiety'

Good luck!

He sounds like one of those who has no time for mentall illness, who doesn't get it and thinks those with it should just snap out of it. Is that right?

You have a lot of pressure on you!

I think you should tell your husband everything. Come clean.
If I were your dh, I would be horrified that you felt you had to lie to me for fear of my disapproval.
It says quite a lot about him doesn't it?

I won't condone lying, but you have done this out of fear, rather than malice or to gain anything. I really feel for you. x

Babs. Your husband sounds a er little behind the times regarding attitudes to counselling etc.

I had an interview recently and had a panic attack during (wow what a candidate!), when I told my DH after, he said "Why did you do that?"
After a blazing row a conversation, he told me that he meant to express disappointment on my behalf that something I had worked so hard for, had been jeapodised (sp?). So maybe he is equally shite about expressing himself?

However, I do think that it sounds as though he is feeling quite stressed and lacking in control about what you will do.

That's as understanding and insightful I can be. Now, what I think he should do is grow up and support you. It sounds as though you are both realising that the current setup will no longer be sustainable and that adjustments will have to be made. It is not fair to expect you to medicate yourself in order to cope with the demands of your job.

Why can't he cut back his hours or do more of the housework/childcare? It may no longer be an equal split but if his priority is you continuing in your career, he has to appreciate there will be sacrifices on both sides.

Finally, he needs to change his attitude towards you, you shouldn't fear his reactions. On a more practical note, I tend to use the power of text/email when I know my DH is going to have a shit knee jerk reaction to something. That way he can be a twat on his own, get it out of his system and then consider a more understanding response by the time we speak!

How awful for you.

I think he's scared of the implications of me deciding that I can't keep up with my work AND home life any more as it would mean some major life changes as I support us financially and I don't think he wants to face that.

You are clearly under an enormous amount of pressure. Huge financial responsibility, working long hours, two young children. Something had to give, and unfortunately it's been your health.

You have to speak to him as soon as possible. Perhaps say you were stung by his apparent lack of understanding and have been unable to face telling him that you have been signed off work for the past couple of weeks.

If he has a shred of decency he will realise that you must have been under incredible strain to have felt it was necessary to carry on as if you were going to work.

It sounds like "some major life changes" are exactly what you need to discuss. If he won't or can't cut his hours, then all you can do is reappraise your own position. If this means a major change in your circumstances and he is unwilling to make adjustments in order to support you, all I can say is it's better you find this out now - while your children are still young.

I've also worked very hard to get where I am so I am worried what will happen if I take my foot off the pedal, as I doubt I'll be able to get back here.

You don't say what you do, but if you don't feel you can reduce your hours in your current role then I think you need to accept that you desperately need a breather. You need to allow your health to recover.

You might not "be able to get back here" but you might be able to maintain professional development with a view to re-entering your profession in a few years, or transfer your experience and skills into something else. Allowing yourself a breather might lead to a completely new career, one that fits in better with your family responsibilities.

I think if you don't make these changes now, things will go from bad to worse.

I think you will need to make changes in your life as it seems unsustainable. Focus on what you might be able to do re work, part time? Your boss seems supportive.

Shiney gave a good suggestion - of you can't actually say the words can you email instead. I think that if he finds out you have been lying it will make the trust in yourself relationship difficult to rebuilt. Unless you have been through panic attacks it's hard for someone else to understand so I would give your dh the benefit of the doubt as he has been supportive in the past. There is nothing wrong in admitting you are not coping at present.

There are choices here - some you might not want to make because of 'shoulds'.i.e I should be in a full time role, I should by now have a decent pension. Counselling will help to determine what it is you can do.