How to tell someone you've been lying for the last two weeks?

[TheElusiveBidet]

This isn't my ususal posting name as DH knows it.

Quick background - I was signed off with stress at the end of January. The stress being caused by having a child with some not insignificant health problems, an incredibly stressful job and a few other things. By the time I was signed off it had got to the stage where I was actively considering just disappearing off the face of the earth.

I'm taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety stuff and had planned to go back after the 6 weeks the doc insisted I was off for to allow them to take effect. Its been a strange experience as going from working 50-60 hour weeks to nothing left me floundering at first, but as it came up to the end of the 6 weeks I felt that I could go back, so arranged with occy health to start again.

Problem was that the week before I was due to start I started to get panicy again and on the day of my return, I got as far as the car park and had a full blown panic attack. I was rescued by a couple of my work colleagues and my lovely boss who sent me home and I was signed off again for another 3 weeks and then for a month on phased return.

All OK so far, but when I tried to tell my DH about this he was an arse. He'd been an arse earlier in the week when I said I was anxious about going back - by arse, when I said it he just sighed and walked off. When I told him about the panic attack, he said "Well what was that for" and then went on to be arsey again.

So, I didn't tell him I'm still signed off and for the last 2 weeks I've got up in the morning, got showered and dressed and pretended to go to work. How fucked up is that? I mean I know its seriously fucked up, but thats what I've been doing.

Problem is that now he's going to play football on Sat with some of my work colleagues and I can't ask them to lie for me as that would give them a window into my marriage which I just can't give them, so I'm going to have to tell DH that a) I'm still off work and b) I've been lying to him and pretending to go to work for the last fortnight.

I don't even know what advice Mumsnet can give me about this one, but I had to get it down somewhere as I have no idea what to do about it and I'm crapping myself.

Do you like what you do? I mean, really like, personally. Or is it just a job that earns good money.

If you do like/love it, are there ways you could use your skills and contacts to do something slightly different, now or in the future?

Are there ways to delegate work, bring in more staff, make work some bit easier on you?

Could you work from home one day per week, even if you can't reduce hours? Or clock off "on time" but be available on laptop/blackberry to talk/look at docs/continue email conversations from home?

Do you have any support in the home side? Can you get a cleaner? Would a nanny help, especially one targetted towards your DS's needs? Is there any kind of catering service locally which could provide healthy meals for a few days per week?

Does everyone do their fair share at home? Does DH do certain jobs so you don't have to worry about those? Do your DC's do things suited to their age and abilities to help out (put away clothes/toys, help washing up, help make dinner or school lunches, sweep kitchen floor - even if badly)?

I am only throwing out a few things to think about in evaluating where you might look at going from here.

But at the same time, I agree with others that you probably should stay home tomorrow and just say you've been signed off again.

Hi all. Well I emailed DH to say I was at home and would be for the rest of the week due to a panic attack. Sent the email before midday and have had nothing back, which probably says it all. You'd think it would warrant at least a small acknowledgement, but apparently not.

oh, honey

Twat

Maybe he's in a meeting?

Twat

He's either mulling things over or letting you stew. Why did you email anyway? Not wanting to have a go here or anything OP but you didn't really do the right thing in emailing did you? You will now probably have to wait all day until he's home. You will be het up due to lack of response and he will back off again.

Is he generally bad with emotional stuff or is he behaving like this with full knowledge of how you will feel?

I find it hard to understand how someone could treat the person they love so carelessly. You need to look after yourself, pushing yourself so hard will not be sustainable long term. You will crack eventually and this could mean walking away from your career entirely.

Talk to HR, can you get a few months off to reassess your life, be it downsizing or cutting back or maybe paying for more support at home?

I always say this but I found HomeStart invaluable when I was questioning my life.

How are you doing now?

MissFaversham it can be difficult to talk face to face with someone when you are worried how they will react. Personally I find it very difficult to deal with another persons disappointment, particularly when that is expressed with exasperation or arseyness. TheElusiveBidet is signed off with stress so probably doesn't relish facing much more...hence the email

I'm really angry with your dear husband. Inconsiderate twat.

Honestly, my love, if you're having to LIE to him about BEING ILL, that's seriously worrying and doubtless goes some way to explain why you are teetering on the verge of a breakdown :( He's your life partner, not your boss. Indeed, your boss is showing more concern for you!

I think you're going to have to tell him. Tell him you're cracking at the edges, require proper support from him and were frightened to tell him you were off sick. This is going to change things, one way or another, and you might end up going to Relate which would be no bad thing.

But change is needed - and quickly, for your own sake and, consequently, for your DC's.

Do you think he sees you as a cash cow or whatever the expression is?

I'm not sure if frightened is the right word. I'm not scared he may do something too me. More that it was easier not to say anything as then I didn't have to put up with the sighs and attitude IYSWIM. I'm just so bloody tired of the whole thing that I can't face any kind of confrontation - which is why I can't face work as I spend most iof my life pissing off staff or negotiating with 3rd parties and I'd get fired if I told them all just to shut the fuck up.

I don't think he sees me as a cash cow. He doesn't have to work, but wants too and pays proportionately what he can as well as paying towards DSD. But I do think he's very aware that our current standard of living rests on me working and earning what I do.

It's just that my job + 1 child was hard, my job + 2 children under 6 was difficult. But my job + 1 small children one if whom is having some serious problems is just too much.

Add in a DH with the emotional intelligence of a small shrub and that's why I have panic attacks at the thought of work.

What problems is your child having op?

Its a LOT of pressure you're under.

Your body is having panic attacks because it cannot cope with all the pressure, which is no doubt relentless.
I know you are afraid for your career, but how about working three days a week?
The trouble is the more we earn the more most us spend, the lovely house, cars holidays, clothes. It's like a trap.

Maybe you don't need your current standard of living.
Can the house be downsized, the cars downsized?

Your health is most important and you should have some time that you enjoy spending with your family, as in a few years (flies by) they will be grown up and you'll regret working such long hours.
Sorry, I'm not wanting to make you feel worse, but working 50 -60 hours each week is too much and much too much if you have children.
Your work is managing without you whilst you are off sick, so maybe they can manage with you working half the hours.

Please rest, enjoy the sunshine and work out what you have to do to work fewer hours.

I mean this supportively:

I don't think much of a "standard of living" that gives you panic attacks. I mean, a house is just a place to hang out, eat and sleep. Why on earth would you work really hard in order to afford to live somewhere that you can't enjoy living in because the hard working is giving you panic attacks?

I would downsize. Way way down.

Emotional intelligence of a small shrub

Love it! Combining gardening and EQ assessments.

DH more a bonsai (dwarfed from a young age)

I can understand why you did not tell him.

It seems to me that you have two options:

1. He gives up work, or reduces his hours so that he can take over the bulk of childcare / ferrying kids around etc. so that you can work

1. You give up work to be able to do the above

I don't understand why he is so reluctant to do 1. Is it male pride, that he wants to be the money maker? Is he willing to risk your health for that?

If you had the support at home, do you think htat you would be able to do your job?

You poor thing. No wonder you are stressed, you have such a great weight on your shoulders you have buckled. I could not cope with all of that, I find my job and two relatively healthy children far too much. If one of them had SN or I felt like I HAD to work otherwise our life would collapse, I just wouldn't be able to cope.

This is about your body saying enough is enough, nothing is worth this.

We are having to think about downsizing my husband's career at the moment due to health problems. It's not worth being ill over. If he felt he had to pretend to me to go to work, I would feel terrible.

Your husband should be being supportive, but instead he's panicking himself and being an arse. You can't carry on working like this just to stop this happening. You have done the right thing by emailing him and would also just tell him straight how it is: 'I cannot live like this anymore, I just can't do it, we need to talk about ways in which we can all manage in the future'. It may be that once he sees that this is the bottom line, and that you have concrete and sensible plans about how to manage finances (downsize, drop days, move house, him get different job) he stops being such an arse. If he carries on being an arse, this is more worrying as what it is saying is that you have to be the one who fixes everything for him, and you cannot keep shouldering this burden forever.

Good luck, I really feel sorry for you wandering about pretending to be at work. It shouldn't be like this.

Elusive I feel for you. If you reassess your lifestyle, just be aware that it may not be the obvious things which are giving you the most stress.

You had your job before DH and it was ok
You had your job before DC and it was ok

Demanding job +2 small DC is hard for anyone but knowing you have to keep your job as main breadwinner when you want to have time for DC = mega stress.
As above + unsupportive DH = unbearable.

It's not surprising you are stressed. Your body is telling you that via the panic attacks.

Only you know the true state of your marriage, but at the moment your DH is directly adding to your stress levels. You have posted about this one specific issue but if this is symptomatic of the bigger picture, some action is needed.

Alternatively, you may well find that your DH makes himself entirely irrelevant to you in a couple of years when the DC are a little older and you can see the wood for the trees. I'm going against the grain here and suggest that you keep your foot in the work door, even if part time.

It sounds like the job in itself is not the main issue.

But that you definitely need to bring your hours to a more normal level if you can (40-45 hours maybe?).

In terms of family life though, it does sound like you need to take steps to take some pressures off. DC are the priority, especially if you have SN to take care of.

But there are lots of ways that you could outsource non-priorities - cleaner, send out laundry, buy in pre-prepared meals (or things like M&S for carrots already prepped, or any store for baby potatoes that don't need peeling, etc).

And DH definitely has to step up to the plate in terms of helping out - I know you say he does some things, but he needs to be taking equal responsibility at home.

And make "Me time" for yourself. Some space that is carved out for you to relax. A walk with a friend, a yoga class, a fun evening class, book club, gym, swimming, sitting in a quiet room with some essential oils wafting.... - something where you get some headspace and time to unwind. As if you are less stressed out, work may become something much more manageable again for you.