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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't understand why DH is in a mood

45 replies

valkilly · 25/03/2012 00:55

Its a bit long - apologies - but I need some advice please

DH has been in a mood with me since yesterday and I am getting tired of this happening over and over.

It started because I went out last night with some friends for dinner. It was arranged a few weeks ago so DH had plenty of prior warning. Dinner was booked for 8.30 so I was here to help with DCs bedtime (DS is 4, DD is 8months). For the few hours between getting home from work and me going out he was increasingly shirty with me (one word answers, etc) to the point where I was leaving and he barely said "bye". I was home at 12 and he was just going to bed himself. We chatted for a bit but he was still a bit "off" with me and didn't kiss me before he went to sleep.

He was still in a mood all day today, snappy with both me and DS, and then reacted completely over the top when we had a minor misunderstanding before flouncing off for a walk with DD in her pram (leaving poor DS upset that Daddy didn't take him for the walk too). He seemed to perk up this evening but just now after I had given DD her last bottle, he walked into the bedroom and I was sitting up in bed cuddling DD. I asked if he would put her back in bed and he huffed before saying "I fed her last night while you were out, you know". I was like "eh yes I realise that" but didn't quite see his point. He put her to bed, left her unsettled, came back into the bedroom and went straight to sleep without saying another word, leaving me to go and settle her.

obviously he is not happy that I went out. He is always like this when I arrange to see my friends and it's getting very tiresome. He makes snide comments about me always arranging to see other people when in reality it's approx once a month, and they are my friends - if I don't see them, whats the point in having them? On the other hand, he plays sport every weekend so is gone for at least 4 hours on a Saturday, not to mention training 2 nights a week for 3 hours per session. But if I ever mention that I am told "That's different".

Am not really sure what I am asking for here other than advice - I have tried arguing with him (only makes things worse) and ignoring him. It's starting to spoil things for me anytime I arrange to see friends as I know it will lead to tension between us. As it happens I am away for 1 night next weekend on an annual girls night away and I am already dreading this week as he will take the fun out it for me. I have recently gone back to work after ML, do the majority of the housework, get up every night with the baby and feel that a chance to have some downtime is not too much to ask...

Sorry this is so long. Have no one in RL that I can confide in as they all think DH is so wonderful

OP posts:

Tortington · 25/03/2012 02:02

its not different though is it

if he wants to kick a ball for hours - and you want to go out and have a drink for hours

the result is downtime from kids and chores

its the same

the issue here is communiation i think

he sulks

you can't argue with him

i'd be tellhim him to go fuck himself tbh

or it would go like this
" i did the feeding when you were out you know"
" yes and i did it last saturday and the saturday before when you were playing football"
"thats different~"

"how?"

TidyDancer · 25/03/2012 02:31

I was going to ask who does the majority of the CC, but I see you answered that right at the end.

Sounds to me like you're married to a man who feels like when he's looking after his own DCs, it's babysitting.

It's not, and he needs to know that. You are both entitled to nights out to see your friends and you should be able to do that without fear of being brought down by the other.

His failure to directly 'confront' you on your going out may mean he already knows he's being an idiot, he just isn't mature enough to cope with it. I think he probably knows he has no case to have a real go at you, so he's punishing you with the silent treatment in a really P/A way.

I would have a chat with him about this and force his hand in discussing it. Even if he won't admit his attitude stinks this time around, it might change how he behaves towards you on the next occasion. Unless you're out on the piss constantly and leaving him to do the overwhelming majority of the CC, he's got no case.

izzyizin · 25/03/2012 03:54

IMO you're best advised to report your post to Mumsnet and ask for it to be moved to the Relationships board where you'll be given shedloads of advice on how to turn this twat of a manchild into an adult.

ThePinkPussycat · 25/03/2012 04:05

Seconding izzi however I think her view of the advice you'll get is a little optimistic - there is a chance he could change, but you can't do it for him. Have you had discussions with him in the past? Did they make any difference?

girlsyearapart · 25/03/2012 04:12

I know exactly where you're coming from in that everyone thinks your Dh is lovely. Have the same with mine you have my sympathy!

ThePinkPussycat · 25/03/2012 04:39

by the sound of it, a very remote chance, I would think...

Original poster

valkilly · 25/03/2012 07:26

Thanks for the replies. I agree we need to discuss it. It's being going on for so long that I was starting to think maybe I am the one in the wrong in expecting it not to be an issue when I go out. It's very rare that it's actually a night out (maybe 3-4 times a year), the rest of the time it's lunch or coffee with the girls. Until recently, I would arrange things on a Saturday while he was playing a match and bring the DC with me, but you don't get to have a proper chat that way.

I think the problem is, apart from work nights out or end of season piss ups, he doesn't go out that regularly. I am starting to think he resents that I do. Also, we don't have a regular babysitter so don't get out much ourselves.

Izzy Sorry, will do that. I guess it's not really an AIBU after all

OP posts:

Original poster

valkilly · 25/03/2012 07:46

Sorry meant to add yes Thepinkpussycat we have talked about it in the past but I can't remember if it made much difference at the time. Wasn't out much last year due to pregnancy so it's only recently that I am starting to get my life back! that it's coming up again.

Also girlsyearapart it's good to know I am not the only one - annoying, isn't it?

OP posts:

fuzzpig · 25/03/2012 07:50

He's a martyr and by the sound of it possibly a bit controlling. I don't think there's anything attractive about a man who begrudges looking after his own kids.

weevilswobble · 25/03/2012 07:51

You havent mentioned the pair of you going out. Does he feel your friends are more important than him? If it was me i'd want to be with my hubby more than my friends. But then i've turned soft coz just got engaged! Sounds like he wants a bit of you, which he may not be getting coz you also have DCs too.

weevilswobble · 25/03/2012 07:54

Sorry, you DID mention it. You said you dont go out much. So thats the issue, you just have to try to get out as a couple.

Original poster

valkilly · 25/03/2012 07:59

fuzzpig Think I have to agree on the controlling comment. It's so annoying because he appears to be very laid back, so if anything, others see me as the one who calls the shots in the relationship which couldn't be further than the truth, in my eyes. I always end up trying to do whatever he wants to do as I hate any tension or atmosphere between us.

However he is very hands on with the DC (except at night time when he sleeps through, oblivious to what's going on unless I wake him). It's not that he minds having them, it's more me not being here IYKWIM

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 25/03/2012 08:42

I would buy one of those organiser calendars with 3 columns and he writes his things on one, you write yours in one and you write the joint things in the third.

It will soon become obvious that he has quite a lot on his-and you can point out that you don't have as much!
You can then say that if you are to cut down, he would need to do the same. All much easier if it is in front of you in black and white!

I would also make sure that you are getting babysitters and having things on the joint part-go out alone together. Maybe that is what he is missing.

Original poster

valkilly · 25/03/2012 09:28

weevilswobble and exoticfruit I think you might both be right. I will try to find us a regular babysitter and see if that helps. We tend to ask family but they have their own lives so it would only be for special occasions, rather than a cinema trip or something trivial.

Without wanting to drip-feed, another thing that annoyed me was I had to ask someone to mind the DCs for him next Saturday so he can play his match. The cheek of me to want a Saturday afternoon off once in the season, eh?!

He has woken up in a better mood today as he has a full night's sleep so I might try talking to him later. Really don't want to deal with this shit again before going away next weekend...

OP posts:

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 25/03/2012 11:03

Hi OP, we've moved this into Relationships for you.

neuroticmumof3 · 25/03/2012 18:31

He sounds controlling and jealous to me and his sulking/cold shoulder treatment of you must be vile to deal with, especially if he takes it out on DC as well. Does he get his own way over other things by using these tactics or is just if you dare to go out?

jamaisjedors · 25/03/2012 20:01

Hmm my DH can be a bit like this.

It's not the childcare, he never has a problem with it when I work late or have evening meetings for work, but if I'm meeting up with friends (well particulary a certain group) he doesn't like it and can sulk or give me the cold shoulder.

We have "had it out" a few times, and I'm not happy with his answers, so I haven't stopped doing it, but basically he thinks we meet up to moan about our husbands and doesn't like it.

He comes from a family where his parents have a very mutually exclusive relationship and would never dream of going out and doing things without each other and I think subconciously he struggles with that.

Also, we, like you, don't go out as a couple much, although I would like to, he would rather stay at home (but he'd like me to stay home with him too!).

Not very helpful I know but I have made it clear that it's important to me and now I try to totally ignore any cold-shouldering until it vanishes. But it's unpleasant...

pollyblue · 25/03/2012 20:08

You need to stand your ground.

My Mum's second husband was just like this and over time she went out less and less. She said it just wasn't worth the hassle because a couple of hours out with a friend would mean severla days of the grumpy treatment from him.By the time they divorced a few years later, she had no friends save her work colleagues - and she never saw them outside of work either. It really affected her self confidence.

Feckthis · 25/03/2012 20:22

It's amazing isn't it, that we let our DPs get away with this. OP you sound extremely reasonable and fair. I recognise your situation, DH can be the same. I think he'd rather stay at home and iron. I go out once a fortnight for 2 hours and he makes snarky comments every single time. He goes out 2 or 3 times a week. Stand your ground.

Feckthis · 25/03/2012 20:23

He'd rather i stay at home, obviously. Bit confusing otherwise..

arthriticfingers · 25/03/2012 20:28

H Vallkilly, why don't you come over and visit us on the Emotional Abusive thread? sings praises of the women there

AgnesCampbellMacPhail · 25/03/2012 20:31

This isn't normal behaviour. Most men don't behave this way. They really don't.

Are you happy doing everything in your relationship and then being punished for taking out one night for yourself? Because it doesn't sound like you are.

motherinferior · 25/03/2012 20:32

Why can't he book a babysitter and sort out a night out?

Mind you I wouldn't particularly want to go out with an evening with someone doing this in any case. When I am pissed off with DP the last thing I want is Couple Time.

tobeheard · 25/03/2012 21:41

It sounds like controlling behaviour to me. I had an ex years ago who used to do this, would be really sulky if I went out, we'd always end up in an argument before I went out so it would ruin my actual evening out. He would usually be sulky and quiet when I got home too, instead of asking if I had a good night out etc.

It's not good behaviour and unreasonable if you don't go out much. He should be happy that you are going out, enjoying yourself, it's good for you to be away from the stresses of work/DP/kids/chores etc....you need time for you, to be you. He should not resent that at all.

Talk to him and make sure his moods don't affect future outings.

Original poster

valkilly · 25/03/2012 23:28

Thanks all for your replies. Sorry I am only coming back to this now - we were watching the Dancing on Ice final that we recorded earlier and it went on forever longer than I had thought!

You've all given me food for thought, and I do agree that it's not acceptable for him to behave like this, whatever the reason. Apart from the unequal division of labour around the house (to be honest, I work shorter hours and I would rather get on and do things), I can't complain about DH at all. He is a wonderful father, and I know he loves me, it's just this issue whenever I arrange to do something. I would understand if I was always out and he never went anywhere, but he honestly doesn't count all the time he spends playing sport as his "down time". I have tried making him see it from my point of view, but he just doesn't get it.

I don't go to the gym, I don't have any hobbies so the only times I go off is when I am seeing my friends and like I said, thats not every week. Things have been back to normal today and with the sun shining, I didn't want anything to spoil a nice weekend with the DC. If he starts behaving like that again as the week progresses, leading up to me going away, I am going to have it out with him as its not fair to have my weekend ruined before I even go anywhere.

If anyone has any more advice or suggestions as to how best to resolve this, I will be very glad to hear them :)

OP posts:

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