I don't understand why DH is in a mood

[valkilly]

Its a bit long - apologies - but I need some advice please

DH has been in a mood with me since yesterday and I am getting tired of this happening over and over.

It started because I went out last night with some friends for dinner. It was arranged a few weeks ago so DH had plenty of prior warning. Dinner was booked for 8.30 so I was here to help with DCs bedtime (DS is 4, DD is 8months). For the few hours between getting home from work and me going out he was increasingly shirty with me (one word answers, etc) to the point where I was leaving and he barely said "bye". I was home at 12 and he was just going to bed himself. We chatted for a bit but he was still a bit "off" with me and didn't kiss me before he went to sleep.

He was still in a mood all day today, snappy with both me and DS, and then reacted completely over the top when we had a minor misunderstanding before flouncing off for a walk with DD in her pram (leaving poor DS upset that Daddy didn't take him for the walk too). He seemed to perk up this evening but just now after I had given DD her last bottle, he walked into the bedroom and I was sitting up in bed cuddling DD. I asked if he would put her back in bed and he huffed before saying "I fed her last night while you were out, you know". I was like "eh yes I realise that" but didn't quite see his point. He put her to bed, left her unsettled, came back into the bedroom and went straight to sleep without saying another word, leaving me to go and settle her.

obviously he is not happy that I went out. He is always like this when I arrange to see my friends and it's getting very tiresome. He makes snide comments about me always arranging to see other people when in reality it's approx once a month, and they are my friends - if I don't see them, whats the point in having them? On the other hand, he plays sport every weekend so is gone for at least 4 hours on a Saturday, not to mention training 2 nights a week for 3 hours per session. But if I ever mention that I am told "That's different".

Am not really sure what I am asking for here other than advice - I have tried arguing with him (only makes things worse) and ignoring him. It's starting to spoil things for me anytime I arrange to see friends as I know it will lead to tension between us. As it happens I am away for 1 night next weekend on an annual girls night away and I am already dreading this week as he will take the fun out it for me. I have recently gone back to work after ML, do the majority of the housework, get up every night with the baby and feel that a chance to have some downtime is not too much to ask...

Sorry this is so long. Have no one in RL that I can confide in as they all think DH is so wonderful

So his sport doesn't qualify as down time away from work or kids?
That is wrong thinking sorry.m
If you were also doing your sport or hobby three times a week he could have a point but you don't. Your "sport" is your friends and you do that more infrequently. His problem if he considers that his sport doesn't count as going to. He does not have to do sport. Does he ? Is there a health reason ? Prescribed by gp? Etc. He goes because he wants to and he enjoys it and no doubt gets some pleasant adult connection there.

My exp always made it a huge issue when I went out, and yes spoiling it for me.

The fact you are apparently trying to tread softly to not arouse his ire before your weekend away says it all really....
When you start making sure you don't spoil a nice weekend by bringing up a real issue means it is a bigger problem..... Yes he no doubt loves you but punishes you when you go out...why would he do that? Ask him.

Your H is being controlling and abusive . He has decided you shouldnt go out and makes you pay when you do . If he was yelling " YOUR NOT GOING OUT !!" you would recognise it immediateley , but hes not , its being done subtly under the guise of sulking . The results are the same , you anticiapate it and probably make attempts to appease him and coax him out of his sulking .

His attempts to insist that football is differant is ridiculous , he knows full well its not . Having put up with this sort of shit for years , this is what i would do . I would have a proper talk with him about his belief in male priveledge and why he CHOOSES to sulk at you like a small boy and how unattractive you find it . I would state clearly that if he continues to sulk i will eventually lose all respect for him .That probably wont work though .

Over the years i have come to the conclusion that somethimes it is best to meet like with like . I would treat him exactly like he treats me . I would sulk when he goes to football , i would give him the silent treatment before and after , and during his next pout about you going out , i would state that i am going to start going out MORE . People like this do not stop until there are consequences for them personally , pleading with them to be reasonable simply doesnt work . Why should he stop ? It works and there are no consequences for doing it .

He has sulked at you for over 24 hours , and now hes stopped everything is rosy for him . I would now engage in a 24 hour sulk myself .

After 10 years of my DH's periodic passive aggressive sulking MN gave me the courage to have it out with him, best thing I did. The sulking felt like a punishment and dented my self esteem. I told him I wouldn't take it anymore and he has changed. He is a good person but had a really immature way of dealing with his emotions. I'm so much happier, there's been no sulking since.

In the same spirit, I might go for a run coffee or a swim sauna as soon as he returns from his weekend sport.

And go to the gym cinema/pub/visit friends (delete as appropriate) on the week days that he doesn't have training.

Disclaimer, I am not advocating lying to your OH.

I don't understand why DH is in a mood

Why does he do that?

Hi valkilly,

re your comment:-
"He is a wonderful father, and I know he loves me"

No he does not love you, he loves to control you instead and enjoys doing so as well. He sees you as someone to control; abuse is about power and control. Controlling behaviours like this and what Feckthis's man is displaying is abusive no two ways about it.

Many women actually write the above when they themselves have nothing at all positive to say about their man. He upset your son by excluding him when he and DD went out for a walk. He gets to do what he wants whilst you are moaned at and or ignored for wanting to see your friends.

Many abusive men as well are very plausible to those in the outside world; it is only behind closed doors that their true colours emerge and you write also this has been going on for a fair while as well. Such men do not change.

Do read Why does he do that? written by Lundy Bancroft. Your H is within those pages.

Also you need to carefully consider what your children will be learning about relationships from both him and you. Your son could well go onto copy his Dad's controlling behaviours and your DD could go onto learn that it is okay for a man to treat her like something he stepped in.

Agree it's emotional abuse. I'm sure it comes as a shock to hear that. He is deliberately making you unhappy in order to manipulate your actions. That's abuse.

Sorry have been away from this thread all day as I was at work. Thanks all for taking the trouble to reply. I am still digesting your feedback and am a little taken aback at the interpretation of what's going on (if a woman had strops with her DH would we be so quick to label it "emotional abuse"?) but like one poster said, it's hard to see things that way when you are the one actually in the relationship.

To the poster who said my DH doesn't love me, he simply loves controlling me, I would have to disagree completely but I guess that is what you would expect me to say. I agree this is an issue of communication and I will tackle this one head on. MN has made me realise that there are things about my life that I need to change, but it also makes me realise how minor my problems are in comparison to others, and how I lucky I am to have a lovely family (yes that includes DH). No-one's relationships are perfect and there are always things we can work on and improve.

Like I said, I do appreciate all your insights, I am not dismissing any of them out of hand, and will certainly work on improving things in my relationship so that we can work past this issue.

Hi valkilly,

Am very sorry you are going through this; these people work to a bloody script of emotional abuse and control and your man is following it.

This is about power and control; there is a huge discrepancy of this in your relationship.

If a man wrote this about his spouse my response would have been the same word for word. You can also get controlling women; their behaviours are abusive as well. This cuts across all classes and gender.

I maintain that he gets some enjoyment out of seeing you in such discomfort. He loves the control aspect, he sees you as his possession or you being in a gilded cage of his own making. When you do as he bids he is happy; you step outside that then he does the behaviours you are seeing now.

re your comment:-
"I am not dismissing any of them out of hand, and will certainly work on improving things in my relationship so that we can work past this issue"

Its very difficult to get past this and it is very difficult to see abuse when you are in the midst of it. You to your credit realise this and are taking all this on board even though it is very discomforting to you. Controlling abuse is however, insidious in its onset so is easy to miss or minimise.

Bear in mind too that you cannot even begin to improve things on your own; he has to want to do this as well and my guess is that he does not because he gets what he wants out of this i.e you to control. He has to have and take some responsibility for his actions. Every time you go out with your friends once a month you get the same level of abusive treatment from him post going out. He stonewalls you when you rightly object to this treatment.

This is not about lack of communication as such because he knows what you want. He is not prepared to give it and he will not change. He in the meantime can go out as and when he pleases.

Look at his parents relationship - look at what he learnt from them. Controlling behaviours are often deeply rooted and learnt way back. That and reading "Why does he do that?" will also assist.

Sorry OP but ... He is in a strop and you are going to work at the relationship

Valkilly,

You certainly do not want to get to the point where you stop meeting your friends once a month because its become somehow "easier" not to go out instead. That is really what he wants; you at home all the time with the children doing all the work whilst he sods off playing football as and when he wants to.

I wish you all the best with your forthcoming weekend away; he will make things bloody difficult for you either before or after this happens. I can see his controlling going into overdrive and the sulking increased exponentially.

Its not you Valkilly, its him.

As Devil's Advocate, and asking this for the purpose of stimulating thought and not trying to be horrible to you...

How nasty would he have to be, and how hard would he have to make it, before you gave up on going out with friends? And is this something that has always been at this pitch, has it been at a higher pitch or has it been at a lower pitch?

Perhaps you could ask him how he would feel if you were so unpleasant about his sport. Do not let him get away with 'it's different'. It is time not dealing with household matters or work and is outside the home. How would he feel if you took the same amount of time? Might be a good starting point?

Tackle him with the "football's different" crap, for a start. Don't let him wriggle out of it. It is not different, it's leisure time away from the house that you each choose to spend in different ways.

And whatever you do, DO NOT stop going out with your friends. He's just going to have to get over it.

leave the bastard

Hi Valkilly,

The posters who say he is controlling may well be right. I don`t know.

I do have a practical alternative that you could try, and see what the reaction is.

How about you organise to be out regularly, for a few hours on certain nights during the week, just as he is. Whatever you do in that time is up to you, but it´s you saying that you need some regular down time too.

That would be perfectly reasonable wouldn`t it? And his reaction to the suggestion might be telling.

If he doesn't see instinctively that hsi sport time out and your going out time are the same, have you tried turning it around? ie "5 days a week I do bath and bedtime alone, 1 day a week we do it together and 1 day a week you do it?"

Because if he still can't see it, then I have to say I don't think this man is respectful of you. It's entirely possible he sees his sport as a health thing vs you going out as a social thing. But it's irrelevant. If he respects you, he respects that while you might not want to go to the gym while he stays home with the DC, you do want to do something else. It's called give and take and it's normal in a healthy relationship.

I wonder if the reason his football is 'different' is because it's all men and he sulks when you are out because you are out socialising and meeting the opposite sex. If so, he is possessive and jealous and that is not a good sign.

Just coming back to this now and have had a chance to read over your posts again. It is hard to admit that there is a lot of truth in what has been said regarding DH wishing to get his own way most of the time. If I try to push back, he gets exasperated with me or sulks. This can happen over even the most minor thing.

He doesn't always sulk when I go out, but he does comment on it ("You're leaving us again?" etc.) and will want to know how long I'll be gone, making me feel that I am not to stay away too long. I have no intention of stopping seeing my friends, but it does affect my plans. For example, last year my annual night away with the girls was in fact 2 nights, whereas this year I knew that I would get grief for going away and leaving DH with the 2 DCs for 2 nights, so I opted for 1 night. As it turned out, the majority of the group also made the same decision (partly due to financial reasons too, it has to be said) but I didn't know that at the time.

AttillatheMeerkat thanks to you in particular for your posts, I am touched that you would take the time and trouble to respond. I understand that you're saying the problem lies with DH but I guess I have to take the first steps to try to address this as he has no reason to want to change. It's sad to admit that there are quite serious problems here but I can't go on sweeping them under the carpet. The point about us teaching our DCs about how relationships work really hit home to me.

I will have another think about how best to bring this up and hope that we can get somewhere together. I have often thought that we should consider counselling (for other reasons) and this is making me think more seriously about that option.

Thanks all, again.

Has he ever said why he doesn't like you going out, or what he thinks is different about football?

Go for counselling on your own first. Not with him .

If there are also " other issues " then yeh think about those too...

Read why does he do that.
The anecdotes in there will be all too familiar it is not all about spouse battering.... More the subtle ways someone undermines you.... and the author then explains the rationale....half the book might not apply to you but the way he subtly controls you over the going out etc . Yes it is all in that book.

Buy it and read and after you will be more informed and can make your own judgement.
Come back and tell us what you think.