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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finally slept with love of my life and think my heart is going to be broken

675 replies

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 24/03/2012 09:16

Am devastated. This is long I'm afraid...
I've loved this man for four years. He lives in my town but we're from the same village orginally. He's 17 years older than me but in many ways my best friend and we are very similar. He works all over the world in patches - last year he was away probably about 20 weeks, so when he's here we spend a lot of time together.

I think he's always known how I feel about him, but he's never taken advantage, never embarassed me and has made comments indicating the age difference between us is an issue for him. But we've always had a very friendly, bickery relationship and our friends and his family jokingly call us a married old couple.

Thursday evening he returns home from abroad and we arrange to meet up in local pub with lots of mutual friends. He's in a really bright, jokey mood and at one point when our friends' attentions where on someone else, he told me he'd been talking with work colleagues about being away and love, etc. He said it was like a lightbulb moment and realised I was his soulmate and he loved me. I also applied recently for a job which would have meant eventually moving away and I think this made him stop and think. He's packing in the working away later this year so settling down aorund here. I couldn't respond cos my stomach was doing knots and I was half scared it was a horrible joke.

We left and walked to pub near my house and had a gin and tonic and he asked if he could come back to mine. I said yes, knowing what it would lead to, and it did. Not going to go into deep detail (it's early!) but we spent a lot of time talking, telling each other we loved each other, kissing, cuddling, and then yes, other stuff. It was the most open and honest and actually best sexual experience I've ever had. (Yes I KNOW how lame that sounds.) He said at one point this reason this was so great is that it was sex and love together, and I told him I'd never actually had that. (True.) He left as I had an early start the next day, and I went to bed the happiest person ever.

He made no contact yesterday at all. I sent him a cheerful good morning text and then in the afternoon a quick one to say I was popping into pub on way home if he fancied a quick drink. No response. I begin panicking. I rang a very good female mutual friend of ours and explained, swearing her to secrecy.) She was really excited for us, but said he's probably panicking about it and, knowing him as she does, scared of being rejected. So I text him before I went to bed saying I really meant everything I'd said last night and hope we can talk soon but it's up to him.

What has happened? Part of me is angry and thinks if he just wanted a quick fuck, why say the love and soulmates bits, and WHY WITH ME? But most of me is just gutted and wants to cry. I don't know what to do. I know this problem isn't as serious as many, but I feel like a major thing in my life has just been pulled away. Any words of advice/comfort will probs make me bawl, but will be appreciated.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/03/2012 09:32

"why say the love and soulmates bits,"

You need to calm down, leave him be, stop chasing and stop trying to second-guess his reasons for staying quiet. He knows how you feel. He knows where you are. Maintain your dignity and get on with your day.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/03/2012 09:35

I agree with Cogito. And for heaven's sake stop texting him.

BrightnessFalls · 24/03/2012 09:36

No more messages. Be patient and dont discuss it anymore with mutual friends. Its hard but theres no other way. Im keeping my fingers crossed Smile

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 24/03/2012 09:39

I get the point about the no more messages! :) I sent the good morning one and the quick drink ones before I'd started panicking - and I would do that normally.

I sent the other one on my friend's advice as she said he might be panicking, and that I should let him know I meant everything I'd said. I did keep it brief as I was aware of looking stalkerish, but you're all right. No more messages.

I fucking hate waiting. :(

OP posts:
OctopusSting · 24/03/2012 09:42

I also applied recently for a job which would have meant eventually moving away and I think this made him stop and think. He's packing in the working away later this year so settling down aorund here.

This bit concerned me more than anything. He is effectively stopping you from following a new job opportunity to kept you local. Do you really think he will change his many years of globe trotting?

Sadly I think it unlikely or he may resent it after a while and say he felt pressured into it by your possibility of moving away.

Please go for the job and if his words are true he can come and settle where you are. Keep your self esteem and independence and if is meant to be (in true soulmate fashion, not just words) then it will.

Stay strong Smile

ImperialBlether · 24/03/2012 09:43

Well, I think, too, that you should have maybe sent one message, but nothing else.

I really think you shouldn't have sent the text saying you meant everything you said - this doesn't give you any leeway if he isn't interested!

Has he not been in touch yet? If not, I think that is awfully rude, particularly as you've sent him messages.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 24/03/2012 09:45

Octopus - I got an interview and didn't get the job, so that's not an issue any more. I would have taken it if I'd been offered it though. He's put in his application to work in the local base part of his company, he said he's sick of living out of suitcases and travelling and I do know he means that.

OP posts:
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 24/03/2012 09:47

No, no contact ImperialBlether. He is notoriusly shit with texting and technology, but for me that's not an excuse.

I knoooow I shouldn't have sent the last one but it's done now and I've just go to sit and wait. Actually no, not fucking sit and wait. I mean go out somewhere and do something nice. Just can't get rid of the knot in stomach.

OP posts:
OctopusSting · 24/03/2012 09:49

Ok, sorry I read more into that, just never ending promises seen a theme on many occasions Sad

I really hope he gets in contact soon and there is a sensible reason for his non contactibility Smile

shesparkles · 24/03/2012 09:50

He is notoriusly shit with texting and technology, but for me that's not an excuse.

You're right, it's not an excuse, it's a reason

For goodness sake, stop texting the man and chill!!!

BIWI · 24/03/2012 09:51

"He is notoriusly shit with texting and technology" - well surely that's the answer then?!

He's not suddenly going to change that, is he?

Just wait to hear from him.

(And good luck! Smile)

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 24/03/2012 09:51

Thanks Octopus! :)
He's not the multiple promise maker type, he tends to decide on something and do it. He's never promised me anything cos he's not obliged to - we're not together.

OP posts:
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 24/03/2012 09:52

Aaaagh pleeease stop telling me to stop texting - I have and I'm really regretful of the ones I HAVE sent! :)

OP posts:
maleview70 · 24/03/2012 09:54

a man of a reasonably mature age, which he must be if he is 17 years older would not toss a 17 year friendship away for one shag. He may just be a bit confused and needs a bit of time to just think things through. Let him be for now but I do fin it odd that he hasnt at least replied.

Bucharest · 24/03/2012 09:57

Remember Bridget Jones.....an eternity for a woman is about a nanosecond for a man.

Caaaaaalm. Chiiiiiiiillllll.Chocolate. Grin

He is probably as scared as you if this thing is as big for him as it is for you.

Not meaning to stereotype, but men tend to make phonecalls and text if they have something meaningful and important to say, and tbh, I'm not really a girlygirl and would be Hmmabout texts if you did receive them because to me the whole texting thing is abit teenagery.

Am I allowed to be a bit excited for you though? Grin

ThreeLittlePandas · 24/03/2012 09:59

How old are you op?

RabidEchidna · 24/03/2012 10:00

Hope you get a reply soon

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 24/03/2012 10:00

I'm 27
I would love a happy ending too, but think I'm going to have brace myself a bit.

OP posts:
sparklesandwine · 24/03/2012 10:00

He also knows where you live! He could have come round instead of texting...a bit rude but maybe he's just thinking about everything

I hope he doesn't mess you about

Will this change your friendship now do you think?

plantsitter · 24/03/2012 10:02

Right. What do you like doing? Shopping? Rock climbing? Running in the park? Go and spend the whole day doing it, preferably with some really good friends, and try not to think about this bloke all day. Then see what happens.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 24/03/2012 10:02

Thanks Bucharest! :)

OP posts:
Bucharest · 24/03/2012 10:02

Durr. Of course it will change the friendship! She's seen his willy.

Sorry, OP,trying to help calm you down with jollity. Smile

Bucharest · 24/03/2012 10:03

Turn your phone off!

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 24/03/2012 10:06

sparklesandwine that's an interesing one. The friendship is changed now, I have no doubt. When someone says to you all the things you've ever dreamed they'd one day say, I don't see how you can look at them in the same way again. He is an unusual character, quite solitary, and I;ve never known him to have a girlfriend. (Known him four years.) We know everything about each other though. He knows Ive had sex with other men, I know he has sex when he goes away. He knows about my termination - really he knows everything.

What I'm most worried about is that he knows I've had casual sexual relationships with some men. I will absolutely, in no way be prepared to have this with him. And I need to be strong enough to say this if he were to suggest it.

OP posts:
pinktrees · 24/03/2012 10:06

I don't think you have anything to worry about. He is shit with tech - some people don't hear texts, delete them accidentally before reading etc and anyway he's a man so isn't seeing the waiting in the same way probably. Chill out! Sounds like a nice love story though!