Past coming back to haunt me

[Stayinthepast]

Hi, I've name changed for this, not sure why. I don't really know what im hoping for, other than to get this out as it's eating me up.
When I was a teenager I was badly bullied at school. I was beaten up badly on several occasions, by boys and girls and often humiliated and picked on. But the worst of it was the group of boys who forced me to perform sexual acts with them and on them. This went on for several years and was lead by one boy in particular who was particularly sadistic. All my dealings with him as a teen told me he was evil. He loved humiliating me and was a very violent, very unremorseful teenager.
I eventually moved to another school to do my GCSEs and left that whole period of my life behind, though it obviously has and does affect many aspects of my life to this day.
About 5 years ago I bumped into him and he acted as if we were old friends. I told him that he and his friends had ruined my teenage years and he seemed genuinely surprised, but didn't apologise in any way.
I am now married, with children and living a (mostly) wholesome and nice life. Yesterday I was collecting my child from school and walking across the playground came the guy from my past. My blood ran cold and I felt sick. It turns out that he is the father of a child in Reception now. I see the mum all the time but he has never shown up before.
I'm horrified that he's intruded into my nice, safe life. I know that until at least 2 years ago he was a successful (ha!) coke dealer, so I doubt he's a reformed character.
I don't know whether to tell my friends at school as I don't want to tarnish the mum with his awful past, she might be as much a victim of him as I was. On the other hand, if he's still the criminal I knew him as, I wouldn't want my child visiting his home.
I'm obsessing about this all now, it took me hours to get to sleep last night. I feel like he's sullied my safe, pleasant life again.
I hate him.

Oh what an awful situation for you. I can understand why this has shaken you.

Was he older than you or the same age?

I'm sure someone with more knowledge will be along soon.

He was actually a year younger than me, but was clearly the leader of this group of older boys because he had zero morals.
I'm waiting fir my mum to wake up because I know she'll remember him and be able to comprehend my horror.

Should the police be informed of what he did to you? We're they informed previously as it sounds like he committed several offences. I don't know much abou this area. I was badly bullied at school and I found taking my own kids to school brought up a lot of issues I can't imagine how I would cope if the perpotrators were here. I have moved away from my home town. If I ever speak to old school peers they never remember what they did.

I can only offer the advice of never having anything to do with him. Ignore him. Acts if he is not-there. Hope you are ok.

I'd just avoid him like the plague and only suggest things if anyone asks why. But I'd just probably say he was a bully.

You may get in trouble if you start spreading your story about him.

Not sure if there is specialised help you could contact?

i think for one thing you need to stop minimising what happened to you by calling it bullying at school. it was more than that - it sounds like you were the victim of repeated and sustained physical and sexual assaults were the police involved at the time?

Did your parents know what was going on at the time? (I don't mean when it was actually happening but afterwards, when you moved to do your GCSEs) If so, did they not go to the police?

How horrific. Poor you.

I don't think I'd tell the other parents at school as it will ruin his child's time there. Although the dad deserves to be punished, his child shouldn't suffer for his dads crimes.

Bloody hell.
I don't know what to say.
How horrific.

Xxx

Thanks all. The police weren't involved in any of the sexual stuff as I didn't feel able to tell my mum about it at the time.
I think she has put 2 and 2 together over time, but I've only been able to talk about it very obliquely. At the time I just had a 'bad reputation', I couldn't express the circumstances surrounding the incidents.
I pressed charges over a few violent incidents and robberies, but he wasn't involved directly in those.

I cannot bear the idea of my children growing up alongside his. We are thinking of moving away and I've never felt more sure that it's the right thing to do.

This is obviously a horrific part of your past,from where I am it sounds as though you have two choices here,you either go to the police and get their angle on it,or and this is what I would opt for....accept it in your head,he is a complete loser/bully of the highest order,you have moved on and are now in a much positive and happy place,let it remind you of how much your life has improved.
Best of luck with it.

I think I have accepted it. I think I'm alright.
I don't want to involve the police now. My memory is not good enough to give enough to prosecute anyone and I was no angel back then. My character would be ripped to shreds
I'm not sure that I will ever be able to see him and not feel sick and angry

I think you should consider going to the police about this. As hard as it will be perhaps its time that you address this? I'd also think about counselling to help (regardless of whether you go to the police). These things have an awful way of rearing their heads. My thoughts go out to you op x

I personally wouldn't want this guy anywhere near anyone's kids! So sorry you have to deal with this...he sounds completely sick.

I think you need some specialist counseling with someone who specializes ion this area. Going to the pice straight up is a big step. You need support in doing this. You also need some specialist legal advice(I know this might sound callous but I have been through this) you need to know if it's worth going to the police and what the most likely outcome is.

Where you the only person bullied or where there others?

I too wonder if you've considered bringing criminal charges against him? It would give you a degree of closure and also take him out of your life and ensure the safety of others.

Sorry just read back and realised you don't want to. I agree though that you should speak to someone professional about this. Start with your gp and see if they can refer you to someone.

I know it might sound like I'm making excuses, but in my day to day life I am very happy. I'm over it as much as I think anyone ever would be.
But it's lovely to be heard and believed.
jjgirl - another friend of mine had similar experiences, though not to the same degree. I wanted to call her as soon as I saw him, but she's in Brazil at the moment.

Stayinthepast, perhaps you could Skype with her or chat online. It sounds like it would really help you to talk to someone who's been through the same horrifying experience as you. The world is very small these days - she's not so far away even in Brazil.

What an awful time you had in school and how shocking it must have been to see him again.

I would move house. I know you shouldn't have to, but if the alternative is bumping into this person, then I would move.

Absolutely gutted for you and understand entirely how you feel.

Please remember that although it feels like he's tarnishing and intruding into your life, he's not. He is just another dad - one you will barely ever see - at school. Keep it in perspective. He can't harm you or your dc.

Also you seem to feel you past is 'dirty'. You were sexually assaulted as a child. Remember that. It wasn't your fault.

I think you could do with counselling.

X

Stay I started a thread here for people who suffered abuse as youngsters. Please feel free to join in if you think it'll help.

I know people mean well when they mention going to the police but I don't think it's helpful. I don't think that's what you need to hear right now.

What those boys did to you was absolutely awful. It's great that you feel over it, but it might help for you to talk to others about what happened. Others on the thread I mentioned have experienced very similar things to you. We won't tell you you need professional help or to go to the police, we will just listen.

I hope your day is going ok and that you've had a chance to talk to your mother.

I would report him to the police, anonymously if necessary, as a drug dealer. That should deal with him in the short term.

You need some counselling I think to deal with what has happened. Anyone would, it must have been a horrific time for you.