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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advise please

30 replies

myKidsTaxi · 23/03/2012 16:41

This is my first post.

I need some advice please!

My wife is contacting her ex-boyfriend. It is such a shock that I don?t know how to confront her over it. I don?t even know what the reason for her contacting him is, so I certainly don?t want to start with lots of accusations.

Some facts:

We have been married for 16 years.
About 5 years ago we separated after she wanted to re-evaluate her life. I didn?t want to separate. She went did a degree in that time.
About 3 years ago we got back together.
Since then she has been seriously ill and off work.
I work full time.
She has been getting much better recently.
She did not log out of her email account recently and there were emails to him on the computer. It is general chitchat, talking about old times etc.
However, I have noticed that she never leaves her handbag alone in a room anymore and her phone is always in her bag. It never used to be password protected (we have always all used the nearest phone to make calls) and it is password protected now.
We have two kids at secondary school.

I don?t think anything is going on ? I hope so anyway! What do I do now without ruining the relationship ? we have never had secrets before.

OP posts:

fiventhree · 23/03/2012 17:00

Hand bag issue looks very dodgy to me. Trust your instincts, I would say.

I didnt, for years, but wish I had, as I was right, and there were OW.

Mumofjz · 23/03/2012 17:06

Could you say something along the lines of "was emailing something the other day and saw that you were talking with ex, what's he up to? ". Try and keep it light...does she go out on her own a lot to be able to conduct an affair?

izzyizin · 23/03/2012 17:15

From what you've said, it doesn't look good. Maybe she's been using him to while away the hours during the time she's not been working? When will she be going back to work?

Mislay your phone, ask to use hers, note her reaction, and report back here.

I suggest you don't mention that you were able to read her emails because she hadn't logged out of her account as you may need to check them again find that she becomes more security conscious.

tunaday · 23/03/2012 18:50

The change in phone/bag habits is worrying. Totally agree that you don't want to go in all guns blazing and making accusations and also agree with Izzi about not mentioning you were able to read her emails because if there IS anything amiss then she will immediately tighten security and you won't be able to monitor the situation. Izzi's idea of 'mislaying' your phone and asking to borrow hers and paying close attention to her reaction would give you a much clearer idea as to what might be going on here. Especially note her expression/body language.

If your wife has been off work and very sick then I imagine she has to spend a lot of time on her own and has been scared/anxious/bored/lonely as well as unwell. The best case scenario would be that she has just been needing company and support wherever she can find it. But why then would she not let her bag/phone out of her sight and begin using passwords? Let us know how it's going.

Dreamless · 23/03/2012 19:52

It could be totally innocent; it may just be that she doesn't want you to find out she's been chatting with an ex. She might think you wouldn't understand/ would get jealous/ suspicious etc.

If she is up to something, confronting her too early, with too little evidence will simply allow her to destroy all evidence before you can dig any further. Keep your hand at the minute. Just monitor closely for now and follow the advice of the above posters. The most important thing for you to do is to act completely normal; don't let her know you're on to anything, or you won't find anything!

Good luck and I hope it's nothing sinister. :(

snoopdogg · 23/03/2012 19:59

Talk to her?

Is the boyfriend from when you were on a break? Did you know about him? Did you agree no contact?

How's things between you otherwise?

But mainly, get hold of her 'phone, see if she's been up to anything and the old classic, if everything's been deleted, start to worry.

Original poster

myKidsTaxi · 23/03/2012 20:00

Thank everyone!

She has been on her phone all night.

OP posts:

RightFedUp · 23/03/2012 20:08

So sorry to read this MKT.
It does sound dodgy.
The Shirley Glass book all of us who've been cheated on read and find useful makes a special point about old flames burning brightest.
I'd be very worried if it were me. Don't underestimate the impact on your relationship of an 'emotional affair', which is what this sounds like.
If nothing was going on, why would she change her habits and be so secretive?
I agree that you should try find out more.

izzyizin · 23/03/2012 20:09

Do you mean all last night, or all tonight?

As far as you're aware, has it been a call to one party or a series of calls to various pals?

Can you not hear what she's talking about and hazard a guess as to who's on the other end of the line? Or interrupt her with a cuppa or a ?

Original poster

myKidsTaxi · 23/03/2012 20:10

No. He was from before we met 16 years ago.

OP posts:

Original poster

myKidsTaxi · 23/03/2012 20:12

All tonight so far.

Have gone in the dinning room with a cup of tea and laptop screen was folded down as I entered the room!!!

OP posts:

izzyizin · 23/03/2012 20:24

Is she skyping or whispering sweet nothings chatting on a mobile or landline? Did you leave the dining room door slightly ajar so that you can earwig?

Is she a sound sleeper? Any chance you can get a look at her mobile in the privacy of the loo after she's gone to bed?

suburbophobe · 23/03/2012 20:27

I never lose sight of my handbag either, cos it's got everything I need for my life in there (bank card, door keys, etc.).

You sound controlling.

Original poster

myKidsTaxi · 23/03/2012 20:28

...Any chance you can get a look at her mobile ...

No, all of a sudden it is password protected. Never was until this week!

OP posts:

izzyizin · 23/03/2012 20:48

You're going to have to mislay your phone tomorrow, ask to use hers, and wander into the loo or down the shops with it for an hour or 2.

FWIW, I don't think you sound 'controlling' and it seems that you may have just cause to be especially watchful of your dw's activities.

Do you any spend quality time together sans dc outside of the house? Restaurant meals, nights at the pub, trips to the cinema, or the odd weekend away?

Original poster

myKidsTaxi · 23/03/2012 20:58

...You sound controlling.

A bit paranoid perhaps, but not controlling.

Up until recently, there has been an almost daily routine of "oh where did I put my handbag" and then a ten minute search of the house to find it.

All of a sudden it does not leave her side!

OP posts:

izzyizin · 23/03/2012 21:29

You can either watch, wait, and continue to sleuth, or you can go down the road of 'Okay, so I know you're up to something with another man who I suspect may be your ex. Your recent behaviour has given you away and I'd be obliged if you don't insult my intelligence by denying it. I simply want you to know that if I discover that you have had it off with him engaged in an affair, I will file for divorce citing your adultery and, as far as I'm concerned, there is no more to be said on the subject'.

The latter is guaranteed to ensure that a lot more will be said on the subect by her and the only drawback to the forthright approach is that you'll feel a bit of a twit if it transpires that she's been planning a special surprise for you which does not involve her running off with another man.

Original poster

myKidsTaxi · 23/03/2012 22:08

...if it transpires that she's been planning a special surprise for you..

If only. As I have never met the person that she has been talking to, I doubt that. Anyway she hates parties!

OP posts:

tunaday · 23/03/2012 23:00

It sounds like it's going to be a heck of a job to get more info if your wife has password protected the computer and won't part with her phone/handbag. So in theory this could just run and run. Maybe you could broach the subject but without making direct accusations. Would it be possible to say that you're concerned about the password protection and how she keeps her phone in her bag and her bag about her person at all times whereas she never did either of these things before? And that it's not about you wanting to snoop but that you are wondering why she feels she needs to do these things?

Goawaybob · 23/03/2012 23:05

Just ask her

you dont sound controlling, what a stupid thing to say

izzyizin · 23/03/2012 23:07

As you've said your dw has been seriously ill, it may be that she has spent some time dwelling on the past evaluating the quality of her life and her marriage to your good self and as found them wanting.

Would you describe your marriage as being happy, or has it gone flat and become ragged round the edges?

izzyizin · 23/03/2012 23:08

'has found them wanting. 'Onest guv, I ain't no cockney

Original poster

myKidsTaxi · 24/03/2012 01:48

...gone flat and become ragged round the edges?

Yes it has. I have been working all hours (80 a week) to pay the bills because she has been off work for so long. I have been supportive, paying for private medicine and therapy and treating her and the kids out when I can.

OP posts:

tunaday · 24/03/2012 10:52

You've both been/are going through a hell of a tough time and just when your wife has needed you most you've had to be strong, supportive and work flat out to support the family. Not surprised it's flat round the ages. It'd be absolutely amazing if it wasn't with the stress you're both under and the hours you're putting in.

Sounds like time to talk to each other and about how you both feel and what you both need/want. Could you go out for a bit, (nice and sunny out?) and just be in each others company and do something relaxing with a bit of a drink/cuppa somewhere? No big heavy 'we have to talk' stuff but just saying some of the things that you've said on here - what you've both been through and how rough it's been and that you've had to be working all hours at a time you needed to be around most etc etc, and see if you can start off some communication that opens the door to you being able to both discuss what needs discussing?

Original poster

myKidsTaxi · 09/04/2012 11:54

Finally got the truth from her.

Turns out she intends to start a new life with ex.

I was useful to pay the bills whilst she was unwell.

Oh hum!

Thanks for all of your help.

OP posts:

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