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Original poster

Relate for probs with inlaws

75 replies

ethelb · 23/03/2012 15:28

Following a massive row last we with dp regarding his parents I want to go to Relate to sort this out. It has happened before and is the one bone of contention in the relationship.

DP is heppy to come but feels that he doesn't think it will do anything as he doesn't know what to say.

Is relate the right place for this kind of thing.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 23/03/2012 16:00

Yes it is. As long you're both willing to talk then it should be worthwhile.

Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 16:13

Thanks Cailin. I am also a bit worried that I will upset DP by bringing it all up again as he just wants to say sorry and move on.

But last weekend he was suggesting that we just don't see his parents anymore as he can't stand how 'tense' it makes me. I don't think that is an acceptable solution.

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CailinDana · 23/03/2012 16:16

Could he see his parents on his own, without you? I think it's very kind of him to offer not to see them, if it was a genuine offer then it shows he cares about you.

Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 16:18

No, that is not an option really. And he has said he doesn't mean it and knows we need to carry on seeing them.

I don't dislike them but he can't see why I don't 'love' them. Or why I find being around them difficult sometimes.

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Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 16:19

It was more of an 'ph fine i will just never see my parents then. All becuase of you' comment.

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CailinDana · 23/03/2012 16:21

Ah I see, that's not so good. So what's the problem exactly?

squeakytoy · 23/03/2012 16:24

Is the problem with his parents or with him though? You say you dont dislike them.. and he shouldnt expect you to love them.

Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 16:31

I find them hard work. His dad is v pretentious and lectures us constantly and we have to go along with all his little pretentious, smug games. ie made us do a blind test so we could work out which beer was the most expensive rather than you know, give us a beer.

he has got a new smartphone and looked up everything i said (ie speeded rather than sped) that he didn't agree with on the phone (in a nasty, smirking kind of way).

His mum and dad then proceded to lecture us on how crap our phones were due to us not bothering to search out the best deal. We ingored this an didn't engage and he got very cross with us for not 'engageing' and told DP he was stupid to not listen to him.

The thing is it is not one big thing but a drip drip drip of constanct lectures and smuggness and also indecisiviness (whole other thread). Occasional putting down of us in snide ways too (though DP doesn't 'hear' it)

They have been racist in the past too. But he can't see why this annoys me and thinks I should love beign around them. I think he is ungrateful as I keep my lip buttoned when we are there but it is not good enough. He is cross with me as i don't find it 'easy' and is cross that I have to 'work at it'. He gets on with my parents.

Basically it has been going on since I first met them. Though that was under quite stressful circumstances admittedly.

OP posts:
Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 16:32

i don't dislike them. They could be far, far worse. They could be mean or even... boring, and they aren't. But I think this is fairly normal inlaw stuff but he thinks I am a terrible, terribel person for feeling the way I do.

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mamalocco · 23/03/2012 16:43

Am in the middle of a similar argument with DH atm. I don't want to spend time with MIL - I find her difficult and the complete opposite to my DM who I was very close to. I have no problem with DH visiting MIL as often as he likes - I just don't want to go with him. Obviously I expect to see her Christmas and birthdays but not on a weekly basis. I know full well if my DM was alive it wouldn't occur to me to take DH along everytime I visited her.

By all means seek counselling - its not going to make your ILs any more appealing but it might help to discuss how you both feel about them in a neutral environment.

Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 16:53

The thing is I think I should be allowed to go and as long as I am respectful of them, be allowed to feel the way I feel. However, DP feels got at if I ever complain. He takes it vv personally, poor love.

I am quite critical of my parents (though to be fair they are of me) so I don't get what I am doing wrong. We need to do some boundary setting and I want help to do this.

Will Relate help with that?

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SecondRow · 23/03/2012 16:54

It's almost like your DH is a chip off the old block - in that he wants you to share his opinion on everything and feel exactly the same about his parents as he does!

Do you think you could shock him out of it by pointing out to him that he is actually acting like his father by not accepting that you are an autonomous being with the right to form your own opinions?

Is he unquestioningly embracing of your parents?

Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 16:57

He gets on v well with my parents. He thinks I am too critical of them too tbh.

He is a very very accepting person generally. Loads of friends who luurve him. He is the bloke old people come up to and strike up conversations with as he is quite happy to speak to everyoen and anyone and is quite warm.

He just doesn't 'get' how I feel.

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Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 17:00

I am upset as I feel that if an argument did break out betweek them and myself (I don't think it would at the moment though, but we have no children...) then he woudl always side with them.

He has said himself that his father doesn't care what anyone else thinks so isn't bothered about hurting my feelings and that his father has every right to eb like that. And he would see any argument between myself and his parents as just that and wouldn't intervene.

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3littlefrogs · 23/03/2012 17:00

Your DH is the one with the problem. Maybe counselling would help him to recognise that and deal with it.

mamalocco · 23/03/2012 17:03

There is no point critising his parents to him. Parents can be like children - I can complain about my DCs but god help anyone who joins in! Either don't visit so much so limiting the amount of time they can irritate you or go and bite your tongue and offload later on to friends/MN.

Swed · 23/03/2012 17:07

They sound sort of bonkers and well hilariouos (in a laughing at them sort of way) but not malevolent. I sort of love them a little bit. Grin

How long have you been married/together? How often do you see them?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/03/2012 17:07

I wonder if you might find this book useful.

Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 17:07

@mamalocco I need to stop complaining about them so much to his face. But last w/e he asked me why I was tense. I said I had had a bad day and he needed to understand that and he blew up.

It is a bit of a learned behaviour to be honest.

My mother lived 4000 miles away from her inlaws (my GP) but slagged them of viciously at any opportunity. Bad table manners was called 'being like the (inlaws)'. Shock I'm not that bad Grin

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Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 17:11

@swed they are. And I realise they are not malevolent (well except for being fat facists and I once dared to be a size 14) but DP is shocked that I don't think his father is the most intelligent person in the world. He describes him as erudite and esoteric BECAUSE of his pretentious smuggery.

I try to laugh but that is even less appreciated!

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charitygirl · 23/03/2012 17:24

This kind of thing would really bug me too. I love my parents dearly but am aware that when I married DH, I 'inflicted' them upon him. He is allowed to moan about them.

The good news is, I think Relate would be an appropriate source of help, and I think you'd be wise to go before children atruve.

OneHandFlapping · 23/03/2012 17:35

I think you need to make an effort to get on with your ILs for your DH's sake.

No, you're probably not going to love them like your own parents, but you need to get to a place where you can tolerate their foibles and forgive their occasional rudenesses.

How often do you have to see them? Can your DH go on his own some of the time, while you go too on special occasions?

Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 17:45

@OneHand I do. However, the problem we are at now is that DP is actually angry with me because it IS an 'effort'.

I'm not behaving perfectly either though. both of us just can't see the other's point of view so that's whay I want to go to Relate. Obv I think he is being entirly unreasonable but he is so upset I think we need to find out why.

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Original poster
ethelb · 23/03/2012 17:50

For background we have been together three years and see them every to-three months. We see my parents the same amount and have just started splitting major birthdays/holidays between parents. We did Christmas at DP's parents, which I found v hard work.

The issue there was that DP and I had agreed to 3-4 nights and DP had told them 5 nights which they got very funny about this when I queried it. ie No, you are leaving on xx.

So we stayed for 5 long days and 5 long nights. The length of time is an issue. The thing is his parents dote on him and though I do get on with my (much larger) family and parents, there is none of this obsessive doting. They don't hang out the bunting when I come home but DP's parents do for him .

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QuintessentialShadows · 23/03/2012 17:58

Surely you dont have to go each time he goes?

Can you imagine what it is going to be like if you ever have children? Are you still going to be "stupid" according to them, are they still going to be smug and lecture you about parenting and how to raise your child, etc?

Seeing as your dp cant see anything wrong with them, you are bound to have a hard time. Will he back you up?

If your dp has so little understanding for how you feel, are you sure he is the right partner for you?