MAJOR wobble - please come and hold my hand, or slap me...

[kathrynthegreat]

I am in urgent need of the collective wisdom on MN. I have been with my partner now for 4 years and he has never left me in any doubt what so ever that he would be unfaithful. He is completely open about his phone being out on show, his email being left open etc. He does delete all his texts but I put that down to him being a bit OCD on the organisation front rather than anything more sinister.
However, of the last three relationships I have had (the only three relationships I have had) all of them have resulted in me being cheated on. Most recently five years ago when the father of my DD cheated with a colleague whilst away with work when DD was a year old.
I have really worked on my insecurity and this has been greatly helped by the fact that my DP isn?t suspicious in any way. I thought I was in a good place and that I was okay now.
However, I have just been flung back down in to the pit of insecurity and despair.
DP recently started a new job (coincided with me putting on a bit of weight because of a bit of a saga with my contraceptives so my self-image is a little low at the moment any way) and mentioned the people on his new team. He ran through the names (male and female) and then he said one name (we?ll say ?Katie?) and I just knew that he fancied her.
Now, I may be mad (happy to admit it) but on every other occasion with previous partners I have known when something was going on. There is something in the air when the name is mentioned. I have never been wrong. I?ve never confronted it ? because how can you accuse someone of saying someone?s name strangely!? But somewhere along the line, my ssuspicion has always been confirmed.
So, I know that even if he does fancy her, that doesn?t mean he will cheat. But based on probability, he pretty much will.
I tried to put it to the back of my mind but a few days ago we were talking about me giving him a lift to work one day and he said ?Oh it?s okay, I?m getting a lift? and in the way he said it I just knew it was her from the way he said it/ the way his eyes moved etc. (even though he works with around 50 other people) I asked who he was getting a lift from and yes, it is her.
So naturally () I?ve found her photo online today and FUCKING HELL - worst case. She is beautiful. Not as in leggy and blonde and obvious but worse - as in, very young, trendy, slim, tall, elfin hair, cute face, gorgeous make up, quirky dress sense which I just know he loves? And basically I?ve just had to go and be sick.
He?s been going on recently about being bored with his wardrobe and has bought some new stuff that makes him every inch the attractive, successful, intriguing older man that I would have gone all predatory on at her age.
In my mind he has cheated already. I can?t get the thought of it out of my head. I have already mentally caught them at it and left him, packed up my DD and left. In fact I am actually crying and shaking as I write.

I can?t tell him how I feel. It?s ridiculous.

I?m so damn ANGRY at the men who have made me like this.

I hope that someone out there has some wise words for me? something sage and meaningful please? (or a slap round the face?!)

Ha ha mummytime - thanks for making me laugh.
Well, she's fetching him from our house so i could potentially invite her in... but at that time of day it is high drama school run central!

I wouldn't want to stand next to her. Not at all.

I've had counselling. I don't think you ever get over this kind of thing. You just get better at burying it.

Oh dear, it's a bit GroundHog day isn't it?

Please don't ignore those voices in your head: you're probably right that he fancies her/she's right up his street/he likes her elfin hair etc, but that doesn't mean he would cheat on you. Is he really that shallow?

I think you have to believe that this story ends differently.

If it was me, I would NOT talk to him. Talk to yourself. Give yourself a big SLAP.

Pop out and meet her. Then when you talk to him about her looks you don't need to say that you looked her up. Plus it will cement in her head that you are real iyswim.

And if he does cheat on you. So what? He's so the wrong man for you if he's yet another cheat and the sooner you learn that about him the better. But you can't control what he does, you can't limit him.

It always feels better if you know the worst thing that could happen is actually the best thing in the circumstances.

Best thing... er, I thought I was the mad one.

"So what" ? I know what youre getting at but it's no way near that simple.

Kathrynthegreat - Well it is if you want to get past living in fear like that. You think he's going to cheat because your life to date has taught you that this is what men do. So face the worst case scenario and shrug to yourself and say "so what". If he's a cheat I will either forgive him or break up with him. But he isn't a cheat now so I'm not going to give it another moment's thought.

Interestingly, I think I could forgive infidelity in certain circumstances. I don't think it needs to be the end of a relationship. That is quite a recent realisation for me as I was quite black and white that it would spell the end for a very long tim. I think I recognise now that life is rich and complicated and infidelity is a pissy little thing compared with many other things.

I guess youre right.

It's not a pissy little thing to me AT ALL though.

It's just the feeling of watching it all play out that's so familiar, 3, 4, 5 years in: the raunchy text messages become messages about buying bin liners... the saucy underwear goes to the bottom of the drawer... then the job changes, new faces come on the scene and it's all too attractive to resist.

I hope our love is stronger than that but who knows. You are right that if he is that shallow then he's not worth it but it doens't stop it being sad.

The worst thing is, if it's going to happen I'd rather just know about it now. I can't bear all the "I'm working late" bollocks while I gather the evidence. It's so shit.

Talk to him. Not in a deranged fishwife kind of a way (I'm sure you wouldn't anyway), but just to let him know that you're feeling a little insecure about his friendship with her. Hopefully, that will be enough to make him think about his transparency and not act like an idiot. Don't bottle it up though, that way lies a lot of sleepless nights and unhappiness on both of your parts.

Your partner doesn't know you at all and so there's already a massive risk factor in your relationship.

You don't trust him enough to show him your vulnerabilities, to tell him your past hurts and your current insecurities. You are role-playing someone else - a woman who took everything in her stride and suffered no injuries or scars.

Take a risk and let your partner see you as you are. Otherwise this relationship is built on sand and will crumble for any reason and not just infidelity.

If your partner's got any sense or love for you, he won't see you as jealous or paranoid. He'll see you as someone who's still hurting, but who was brave enough to take a risk on him not to let her down. Let him be that person and let him rise to the challenge. If he loves you he will not want to hurt you and will take pride that he was able to inspire trust in someone against all the odds Who loves him enough to care about losing him - and trusts him enough to show him the real person behind the mask.

He deserves a fair chance, but I think after what you've been through, your instincts are pretty sharp when it comes to this. It's probably just a silly crush though.

Great post, Hattytown. I can identify with the OP to some extent, and I know how bad it can get. You do need to talk to him and (ironically) trust him with your fears, with your real self. Then this could be an opportunity for the two of you to be even stronger and closer, united, rather than this becoming a wedge between you that drives you apart and makes him even more vulnerable to what you are afraid might happen.
Communicate! It's so, so important.

Kathryn, do tell him how it's making you feel.
I know exactly what you mean about the tone of voice thing and knowing when he's talking about her!
My OH had a bit of a crush on a girl he was working with last summer. I knew when it was her calling him and all that. I mentioned to him that I was finding it hard that he had this crush. I didn't think he'd take it well but he did take it fine. I don't think he would ever cheat on me but at that point, I was going through some tough stuff and needed his support so his crush on this girl was hard to take. He understood that (and was surprised to "realise" he had a crush, he doesn't have great self-insight) and I felt better to have mentioned it rather than just resenting her.

To be totally honest, I can't warm to her at all now even though she has been perfectly nice (if rather self-obsessed and attention-loving) but it doesn't really matter whether or not I like her!

Do you remember what happened to Bridgette jones when she thought this

Either you needs to work more on your trust / self-esteem issues or your instinct is right in telling you he may be another cheater.

Agree with Dozer

I'm married but fancy people all the time
I would never act on it - never
Maybe when I have a little crush I say their name differently who knows
My point is he is his own person any history might not repeat itself

He is probably about her dad's age, op! In reality, why would she be attracted to him?

You might see him as attractive - he's your partner, of course you do! But she, in all likelihood, probably does not look at him in this way.

Don't let your past let downs blight this relationship.

OP - Trust your instincts! You know him better than anyone! Good luck!

you need to be vulnerable and talk to him. You dont have to tell him how you found the picture

Another vote for telling him how you feel. Not doing so has led to trouble in lots of relationships - mine included. Try to do it in a calm, dignified and low-key, factual way, though.

Use 'I' not 'you' eg 'I felt uneasy about the way you said her name because...' and NOT 'The way you said her name made me nervous'. You really don't want to sound accusing and suspicious as that could make him defensive when he's done nothing wrong.

I would definitely look good when she picks him up and I would make sure you and the children wave him off where she can see. Can't hurt to give daddy a kiss goodbye in the morning. A big smile and a friendly wave from you wouldn't hurt either.

Then you can talk to him about how pretty she is and how you feel without him knowing you've been digging for her pic.

Didn't get the chance rightfedup - he got "katie" to wait at the end of the road and he forgot to even say goodbye to DD said goodbye to me with a small kiss on the cheek. Could be guilt, could be that he was in a hurry and didn't want to keep her waiting, he is thoughful like that and would be the same with a male collegue.

I ended up getting totally rat arsed with my friend and taking all my anger out on my ex when he dropped DD of (not my finest hour by a million miles but ex had been a real knob and did deserve most of it)

When DH got home I asked him about his day etc and luckily he talked about her (no idea how he said her name due to the being ratarsed, although hid it well from him) but I asked him if she was someone we could socialise with as we don't have many friends in the area and he kind of snorted and said no as she's too young. Turns out they are working on a specific project together and one of the Directors is giving them greif about how it is being completed. He was talking like they were a real team so i pointed out that at her stage of career she should expect to be criticised and challenged but that he was really above all of that and should take the comments with a pince of salt and assume they are for her rather than him.

It's weird actually but since then I have more and more been thinking that nothing is going on... I guess it would be mad to think she would be interested. I don't mean that in a disrespectful way as he is a real catch, but in that she is sooo young, her whole career and life ahead of her. He has a lot of baggage, not just me but alo oan ex wife and a teenage DD who is a real handful.

Maybe he does have a crush on her... but I don't truly think he'd act on it. It's not him who has the problem, it's me. I need to work on it and will do.

The whole episode has made me appreciate him more, that's for sure. I mean, I did anyway but recently I have had a lot of stress at work and I have maybe not been quite so upbeat or as loving as usual...

Thanks for all the advice anyway. There's a work residential coming up soon that their both going to so expect more vomitting and irrational posting

Then again - he didnt come home until 8pm a few days ago.. 7pm last night... (normal for a Wed, not normal for Tues)

Oh damn my over active imagination

Ok, so i'm going to throw this out there but what if he did fancy her?? The point is, do you think he'd act upon that?

I'm happily married and enjoy a little flirting at work (my dh know's i'm a bit of a flirt) and I still have the occasional crush on a work collegue, sometimes older or younger than me. But I'd never dream of acting on it. I actually think it's healthy as long as you don't act it out. Just because you get married, doesn't mean you can't find other people attractive.

But, trust your instincts. Gut instinct is a very powerful thing. And talk to him. He sounds like a decent enough bloke. Try not to go all bunny boiler on him, talking isn't over rated It's unlikely he'd talk normally about her if anything was going on, if anything he probably wouldn't mention her at all...