Shuddery feeling

[KarmaK]

Anyone who's read my previous posts about men may know that I'm very good at picking awful men. LMAO!!

I met a guy several weeks ago and he has been pursuing me hard. I didn't see him for a while because in the meantime I met another guy who turned out to be really bad news. Anyway, this guy now is very keen. We've been on one date and we've talked for hours on the phone. I've stood him up twice (or three times?) for dates because right before the date I get this feeling of dread as if my entire body is telling me DON'T MEET HIM

The one time I did go out with him I had what I suppose I'd call a good time but there were certain things I didn't like. For example, he took hold of my hand and kept holding my hand in the freakin' bar and I felt awkward and grossed out. I barely know the guy - why is he holding my hand? Then when I missed the last train home he said "good" and tried to get me to go back to his hotel, purportedly for a drink. In the end I just got the nightbus home and didn't go anywhere near his hotel. I'm due to see him tomorrow night. I've already stood him up once this week. I don't know how to get out of seeing him tomorrow night.

I suppose I could just go for a drink but he's talking about picking me up in his car and dropping me off. I'm terrified he'll make some excuse to try to get inside my flat, like claiming he needs to use the loo or something. How would I then say "no I'm not letting you use my loo."

Also we were talking on the phone about random stuff. He asked me if I intended to have children and I said I wasn't sure. He then said "I want you to have a baby for me." Obviously he was joking (I hope!) but he kept saying it.

Not sure what to do

The point I'm making is that you told him (lying or not doesn't matter) I'm not dating - and then went on a date with him.

To finally clarify. I agreed to go for a drink with him after several weeks of him hassling me for a date. It wasn't until we were actually there in the bar having that drink that he started going on about how he really wants to have a relationship with me. It was then that I told him "I'm not dating right now." So I didn't tell him that and THEN go on a date with him at a later date. Since telling him I'm not dating right now I've not seen him at all but not for lack of him trying.

So far, you've only been out for a drink once with this weirdo, after which he manipulated things so you missed the train and he pressured you to stay with him - and he has not only carried on insisting, but is telling you to have a baby "for" him?

Dear god.

I can hardly express just HOW relieved I am you're 100% kicking him into touch!
Stick with Mumsnet, KarmaK, it'll see you right

Btw, I want to give your mother a good slapping telling off. I've seen mums doing what yours did. I feel sad for them, but a whole lot more cross on their daughters' behalf.

Promise I'll stop spamming your thread after this post

A nice man would have offered to pay your taxi home. You realise that, yes?

A nice man would have offered to pay your taxi home. You realise that, yes?

Good point!

Hurrah ladies! This represents a major breakthrough for me in realizing I don't have to go out with this

:o

Definitely, stop dating. Don't even socialise with anyone who isn't already a trusted (preferably female) friend. You're making progress and that's great but unfortunately your boundaries are not at full strenght yet, and predators like this man (yes, he is a predator. He will have form for date rape; if no charges or convictions in his past there will be several unhappy women wishing they had never set eyes on him, his behaviour is textbook rapist) well, they can smell vulnerabily and they single out women who are not fully confident.
You will get there. As to this man, you would be reacting in a perfectly sane, normal and healthy way to send him a message along these lines. @Ido not want to date you. Your behaviour is unacceptable. Do not contact me again or I will involve the police.'

I'm so pleased to read to the end of the thread and see that you've decided to trust yourself. Go you! Therapy is a good idea too, taking back control and being assertive feels great doesn't it?

Also take no more crap from this guy, dump and tell him to never contact you again, and if he does you will report him for harassment. Then if he does, do it.

Stay strong.

I went out for a date, we meet by train, and I too missed the last train home. We asked how much for a taxi back to my village.

£70.

My date offered me to stay with him, I went, he offered me the 2nd bedroom and nothing untoward except an awful lot of yummy snogging happened. There was no pressure, no "Good!"; there was equal horror at the daylight robbery cost of the cab. Had it been £50 I'd have gone for it, but the blokes face LIT UP when I said where I needed to get to.

bloke meaning Taxi driver.

I don't think it's ever a good idea to go out for a friendly drink with a guy who's made it clear that he is looking for more. It sounds like he persisted and persuaded you into going for a drink and it was always his intention to try for more. I agree with SGB defiinately an abuser/rapist - no wonder you feel shuddery - your gut instincts are trying to protect you if you would just listen to them.

And this is the key bit I struggle with Northwitch. All I can say is that his persistence and his crossing of my boundaries made me feel "shuddery". I'm still not quite making that leap to realizing his behaviour is actually "predatory"

I haven't experienced awful childhood abuse, I just had a bad break up, but I've taken a dating break of a couple of years. I've needed it, to spend time on me, to work out what I want out of life and out of a relationship. I'm at a stage now where, if the right man came along, I might like to have have a relationship, but my twat radar is finally fine-tuned, because I love my life as it is, so any new person (male or female) coming into my life has to improve it in some way, or I'm just not interested.
Some people might see it as abnormal, because there is a tentency for people to expect you to want to be coupled off. My real friends, the people whose opinions matter, don't see it as abnormal, they see it as my choice.
Good luck!

• tendency

You will have difficulty in identifying abusive/predatory behaviour because of your background. You were taught by the people you should have been able to trust that abusive behaviour was 'normal'. So now you don't trust yourself when something is not right - his persistence and boundary crossing should make you feel shuddery it's disrespectful/abusive behaviour and a clear sign of an entitled and selfish person. He knows you don't want to go out with him - you said so - but he knows your boundaries/self worth are weak so he's pushing his own agenda. Your healthy self knows this and feels a sense of dread - because he's a creep/predator and deep inside you know it.

Look at your posts - he's grabbing, pawing, manipulative, domineering, takes advantage - yuuuck! The fact that you are not getting away from this guy as fast as possible shows your radar is not working properly. The reason that you're scared of him asking to use the loo to get into your flat is because you (correctly) don't trust him - your instincts are working - but you need to pay attention to them. You do not like or trust this guy - he should not have your address or be in a position to demand that he picks you up.

Your counselling shoud help you to have a good sense of your own worth and value and boundaries as to what you will and will not accept. You will then look back at some of the crap you put up with and be amazed. You still have a way to go I think so not dating for awhile sounds like a good idea!

You will then look back at some of the crap you put up with and be amazed Oh I am starting to do so already. It is astounding!

Hurrah! Good for you, keep it up!

You know what, I actually have painful cystitis today. It came on two days ago. I mention this because it shows me yet again how much work I need to do on self-worth. I was contemplating going out on a date with this guy despite being in a fair bit of pain from cystitis (enough to keep wincing with pain, need to take painkillers etc). So even if this guy wasn't a twat I should have been canceling anyway simply because I am not well!!

This is another trait of mine. I will go out with friends or take on assignments even when I'm quite seriously ill because I think avoiding disappointing people is more important than my health, comfort and wellbeing!

Gosh what an eye-opener this thread has been to me!!