Leaving husband because of porn

[PluckedViolets]

Need a space to seek help please MN :(

With H for the last 16 years, will have been married for 10 years this year. Two DC, 3 and 5.

Have know about the porn from 2001, just before marriage. Had NO idea what the whole thing was about. Over the years, gradually became aware how serious it was.

There have been MANY occasions where he promised not to use, in fact lying to my face on so many occasions I cant begin to count. Every time,promises to get help. Sometimes I throw him out, sometimes I leave.

On one particular occasion, I found that the very night before our wedding, he was mailing some porn star in the states about his sexual fantasies (including wanting her to come over to the UK to do 'stuff'). Then had the audacity to tell her he was getting married tomorrow - she wishes us luck! I think my heart broke after I read that (from a public internet forum)

He has also contacted a previous school friend and shared intimate sexual fantasies with her.

Fast forward onto pregnancy with first child. He's at it again, very close to the due date. I had other horrendous problems going on with my brother (who had just tried to commit suicide).

And again, this time after my second child was born. Something in me snapped and I could not cope. I tried to take an overdose. I can not begin to describe the feelings of utter despair, heartbreak and sadness. The pain was too much.

I tired so hard to get him to get help from a professional. Met with stonewalling, delaying, outright refusal etc etc.

Fast forward three years. About a month ago I found out again he had been up to the same old same old. This time, going on since June last year. I asked him several times in that period, was he using? lets work though this? Lied and lied to my face. Looked me in the eye then lied some more.

I cant carry on. I have asked him to leave. We are separating. Feels different this time. He is behaving strangely, very distant,very cool, very businesslike. He is saying that he will get help and that he cannot do this to me again.

A normal person would be on their knees begging forgiveness, I almost killed myself FFS! He is oddly disconnected. He is not behaving like a human should.

Please someone help me. I am a regular poster but have name changed.

Tell me MN... am I doing right by my kids? Will I ever get my self esteem back? Will it be OK?

Thanks for reading.

So sorry

You are doing the right thing for yourself, DC and him. Now that you have asked him to leave, there is a small chance that he may decide to seek help for his issues - probably unlikely given how long he has been using porn.

As long as you stay with him, he will never be the father your kids deserve.

Have you confided in real life friends/family? You will need their support in rebuilding your life and self esteem.

Be kind to yourself x

Thanks Mad for your kind words. My friends and family have been hearing the broken record from me for the last ten years... but this time have kept it absolutely quiet.

However, have told my best mate today who's been fab :) she said some lovely things to me.

I'm not telling MIL, DM/DD until he's gone and the kids have been told.

I'm dreading that :(

Thanks everlong :)

I think that grown men who use porn in this way (mailing pornstars night before their wedding), or have some kind of porn addiction - I think there is something "wrong" with them inside. Could explain why he is behaving strangely, businesslike. Or perhaps he is doing some other kind of separation in his head, legal, financial, etc. I hope you are protecting yourself there. Sorry to hear your self-esteem has sufferred, but its really nothing to do with you. No matter who you were or what you did he would have these deeper problems I think.

Yes Jane. In the beginning the self-esteem issue was directed at myself because I'm overweight and it would be easy to see why he wanted other women.

However, the self-esteem thing is now, why did I ever let someone treat me like that? Am I stark raving mad? I think I must have been.

I am so sorry. He has an addiction and it is nothing to do with you being overweight, or anything else you did or didnt do. I know in your head you are thinking maybe he can change. But he will always be an addict and you will always be waiting for the next bad thing to happen. You are worth far more than that. Move on. Be strong. You will be fine. And one day you will look back and realise that you should have done it years ago.......

So sorry that you are going through this

Oh love, not mad - but too trusting, to nice, too hopeful, too optimistic maybe.

But now without him, you can be optimistic about the future - a happy future with just you and DC and no selfish addict continuously putting the knife in and twisting it.

You're strong to have survived this and you'll continue to be strong.

Regardless of the reasons, leaving a relationship that you are unhappy in is absolutely the right thing to do. You and your children will be just fine.

Best of luck, please keep talking to us if you need to.

Thanks everyone, your words mean a lot to me. Good to have reassurance that this is the right thing :)

I can hear him now in the next room, ringing round places to find properties.

I will post more as leaving day approaches.

Thanks :)

violets you will be fine, you are strong and brave and you will get through this

My story is so similar - my marriage had been wrong for many years, and I eventually discovered exH porn habit when I challenged him, he justified it, defended it, convinced my parents that he had done nothing wrong (his parents were 100% behind him because he had shared porn with his dad as a teen!!).

He left immediately, I told him that if he didn't, I would, and was prepared to go, and actually I would have preferrred it. He then proceded to have a breakdown, but not serious enough to need inpatient treatment so we negotiated solicitors, mediation and separation of assets while he was in an emotionally chaotic state, to say the least!

That was nearly three years ago, and I can honestly say that I am a different person. I am three dress sizes smaller for a start, I have my own business, my DD and I have a fabulous relationship, and I have a wonderful partner who considers me his equal

just wanted to say i'm in a similar boat. I have kicked him out of the bedroom and have now given him the ultimatum that he seeks proper help or its over. It sounds like you have given him ample chances to change and he chooses not to. Good for you for kicking him out, if my dh doesn't sort himself out I shall be doing the same.
Good luck x

crestico - the problem is that you can't separate the two things (porn and extra marital stuff), the two things are linked.

I do not agree that expecting your partner not to use porn is unrealistic - this tells us a lot about your views of men and your own standards.

Anybody is entitled to leave any relationship that they no longer want to be in - the reasons in a particular case are neither objectively right nor wrong, they are simply sufficient.

Good luck, OP.

Sorry crestico but mad is right, it's entirely about his porn addiction. The stuff he was talking about with the porn star is the stuff he likes. Or to put it another way, he became obsessed with porn with this woman in it.

Using porn in such a destructive way fries the brain. He cannot react with any emotion now to anything. He can no longer express himself or his emotions. It's a bit like talking to a brick wall, his eyes are blank.

Actually, I remember one time where I was convinced he had been watching and wanking, he looked like he was high. Just gone, spaced out.

Horrible.

In other news a room has now been found and he's viewing tomorrow.

Thanks for all your support guys :)

And yes, I am leaving him because of his porn addiction. Because he cannot stop and he lies to me.

I am leaving him because I nearly killed myself.

Really wishing you well for your future, PluckedViolet. Take special care of yourself in these coming weeks and look after your interests x

I wish you well too...best of luck and take care x remember we are here for you,

Hi op I feel your pain my 18 year marriage broke up 16 months ago due in part to his porn addiction, years of lies, sex lines, my dc being exposed to it on a couple of occasions, finding it all round the house, and all the problems that go with being with someone who can only get their joliies when replicating porn in the bedroom, it's soul destroying and nothing I did or didn't do made any difference, so I ended the marriage and I am fine so are the dc, we have stayed in the family home, we have enough money to get by and we are happier, yeah they have been some dark days but overall we are in a much better place, you will get through this and your self esteem will return over time

Bit of an update...

H still looking for flats,not sure if he is stonewalling. I'm very down then a bit up. Sometimes I feel as if I'm drowning.

A lot of 'stuff' from the past keeps coming back to me, things I had forgotten.

I've started to have nightmares about people judging me. I'm so conflicted. I do still love him and I so desperately want him to get help. But I am grieving too, for a life lost and hopes dashed. I'm scared that he will get help and I wont be able to open up again because I'm terrified he will hurt me again.

I don't want this for my kids but I'm so scared that this situation will NEVER stop.

I can't stop cryng.

Hi,

No advice, sorry, but am sitting here holding your hand and telling you that it can only get better.

None of this is your fault, you're doing the best you can for you and your DCs.

Violets - I have just read this thread, and you are doing the right thing. I know this from experience. I was married 22 years and have four kids. My husband became detached from me and our kids a couple of years before I threw him out. He was critical, demeaning, made me feel inadequate, and I just put up with it all for the kids, and because I thought that I wouldn't manage on my own. The final straw, after years of being put down by him, was when I found out that he was watching teenage anal porn on the family computer, and leaving links open and my teenage daughter (the same age as those he was lusting after) found the links. He said that all men do it, and just laughed it off, said she was over-reacting. She was terribly distressed and felt very uncomfortable around him. Her elder sister then said that she had often found dad watching porn on the family computer, and found it on his phone, but hadn't told me because I would be upset. I threw him out - I had no choice, I was disgusted with him, and his total disregard for his kids feelings. I really know what you mean when you say about the blank look in the eyes - my husband was like this. Suddenly I felt like a sex object, and not a loving partner anymore - it was degrading and horrible.

You have done the right thing for your kids - but most of all for yourself. You have your feelings, and it is your relationship: if you feel it's wrong, then it's wrong and that's all there is to it.

I didn't want to break up the family - but he put us all in a situation that was impossible to function in. Don't blame yourself - please don't. It's him with the problem, and nothing to do with you.

Look after yourself and your kids - you all deserve to feel respected and appreciated. X

Have you seen a solicitor? They do free half hours and they should be able to advice you on where you stand financially - this will help deal with some of your worries.

Please remember that all this is his doing - he is the one who is breaking up the family. Stay strong x