Leaving husband because of porn

[PluckedViolets]

Need a space to seek help please MN :(

With H for the last 16 years, will have been married for 10 years this year. Two DC, 3 and 5.

Have know about the porn from 2001, just before marriage. Had NO idea what the whole thing was about. Over the years, gradually became aware how serious it was.

There have been MANY occasions where he promised not to use, in fact lying to my face on so many occasions I cant begin to count. Every time,promises to get help. Sometimes I throw him out, sometimes I leave.

On one particular occasion, I found that the very night before our wedding, he was mailing some porn star in the states about his sexual fantasies (including wanting her to come over to the UK to do 'stuff'). Then had the audacity to tell her he was getting married tomorrow - she wishes us luck! I think my heart broke after I read that (from a public internet forum)

He has also contacted a previous school friend and shared intimate sexual fantasies with her.

Fast forward onto pregnancy with first child. He's at it again, very close to the due date. I had other horrendous problems going on with my brother (who had just tried to commit suicide).

And again, this time after my second child was born. Something in me snapped and I could not cope. I tried to take an overdose. I can not begin to describe the feelings of utter despair, heartbreak and sadness. The pain was too much.

I tired so hard to get him to get help from a professional. Met with stonewalling, delaying, outright refusal etc etc.

Fast forward three years. About a month ago I found out again he had been up to the same old same old. This time, going on since June last year. I asked him several times in that period, was he using? lets work though this? Lied and lied to my face. Looked me in the eye then lied some more.

I cant carry on. I have asked him to leave. We are separating. Feels different this time. He is behaving strangely, very distant,very cool, very businesslike. He is saying that he will get help and that he cannot do this to me again.

A normal person would be on their knees begging forgiveness, I almost killed myself FFS! He is oddly disconnected. He is not behaving like a human should.

Please someone help me. I am a regular poster but have name changed.

Tell me MN... am I doing right by my kids? Will I ever get my self esteem back? Will it be OK?

Thanks for reading.

Hi, I saw you posted on my thread yesterday... also about OH's porn use. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I really wish people would stop normalising porn use within a relationship and instead open their ears and eyes to just how many relationships are being destroyed because of it. Thinking of you XX

"I really wish people would stop normalising porn use within a relationship"

In many relationships porn usage is normal and doesn't cause a problem. That's a fact. Same as alcohol usage can be normal in some families and not a problem. However, if one partner objects strongly and the other carries on using, it's a serious problem. If using also starts to interfere with someone's ability to carry on the relationship, or if it takes priority over their family or their work, and if they lie about their habits, then it is a very serious problem indeed. The stimulant is almost immaterial - the addictive behaviour and the impact on the non-using partner is the issue.

This guy is way beyond containing his fantasies on the internet, he's contacting old school friends and sharing sexual fantasties with them, he's mailing porn stars.

I would count this as infidelity and would absolutely be a deal-breaker for me.

You're dong the right thing, so don't worry about being judged. The thing they'll find hardest to understand is why it took so long or even why you married him in the first place. At a time when his thoughts should have been on his wedding day he was in contact with porn stars!

Leave him for that and for the lies that continue.

I'd keep the other reason quiet. If your parents don't already know about it all you'll do is give them a reason to worry about you, well, worry more than they already will. A son and daugther who both 'try' that sounds a bit Eastender's-script to me, and how many of us would like to be caught up in one of those.

Err not sure what you mean by that last remark Yogii but yes, my mum and dad know everything (suicide, porn, everything) and have done for years. I'm not really in the habit of keeping quiet about stuff which is absolutely not my fault. I will not lie for my H.

In other news, H has paid the deposit and is now moving out on... wait for it... April fools day!

It has only been in the last day or so that the enormity has actually hit him. I wonder if he has been in some kind of denial?

But I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on this thread, you have helped me so so much. Thank you everyone .

Bugger. and and

He sounds like a real fool. Hope he enjoys living on his own away from family life where he can wank away to his hearts content. Yuck you are so much better off out. Frankly I don't think you had any choice but to end it.

PViolets the head-in-the-sand approach is not that unusual I don't think - my ex was in total denial until he was served with the divorce papers; I filed straight away as I discovered that he had spent so much on porn that the house was at risk; once the divorce papers were filed, the creditors had to wait for it to be sorted out

After initially saying that he regretted his behaviour, once he moved out, my ex began to justify his dependency on porn; he told friends and family how unreasonable I was for wanting to divorce him because of it. I don't think he told them the whole story though; the debt, how he couldn't take a 2 hour train journey without buying a magazine to look at when he got there and how much risk there was that DD could have walked out of her room and seen everything

I found some people really supportive of my feelings and others not so much - I have been hurt badly by family who have not understood my reasons - but after a year or so, you'll find it really doesn't matter to you what anyone thinks about why your marriage ended, or who was "at fault".

Once you have sorted the practical issues out, if you can, schedule in some down-time for yourself. It seems fairly common for there to be an emotional reaction to the relief of it being over - I had a month off work (GP note), counselling and was very, very gentle with myself. I had seen a lot of friends pretend that they were fine and end up in a much worse state. I knew for DD's sake that I had to look after myself too, and it gave me the chance to grieve for what I had lost (which I hadn't done because I was too busy dealing with the practical issues), to work out what happened, and to begin to make plans for the future - which I think stopped me falling into the same pattern when I met my now DP

Looking back, the whole experience I went through during separation and divorce is a bit like childbirth; incredibly emotional, painful and traumatic at the time, but the memories of which, once over, have faded and it doesn't seem quite real, somehow.

I had 8 years of this, the arguments, the apologies, the promise to change, the relapse, the lies, the lack of desire towards me.........................

Also abusive nasty comments blaming me, calling me fat, ugly, saying it was my fault for not showing enough interest in him and his hobbies.

Finally I left and it has come as a total surprise that there are men out there who prefer a real live, warm, breathing woman and who also find me attractive and treat me like somebody they value.

I am biased by my experience but my advice would be get out and start to build a better life for yourself.