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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Living with an alcoholic .... how to get local help?

28 replies

bunnymoo · 22/03/2012 15:38

I've been with my DP for nearly 9 years and although he doesn't drink like he used to, he still has 2/3 cans of beer (very strong beer) or a bottle of red wine most evenings. For somebody that doesn't drink (ie. me), that's an awful lot! He used to be quite aggressive when drunk but after an ultimatum handed to him a few years ago, he's definitely quietened down. However, when stressed (most days!) he has a drink and this leads to, the only way I can describe it, pathetic behaviour!! Coupled with the fact that we don't have much in common, we never go out, he always makes digging comments about my son and he can't communicate with his ex about their daughter which means we can never plan anything, I've come to the end of my tether. I can't do this any more. So this week I finally plucked up the courage to tell him that I'm done with talking, I want out and want to sell the house. He's now told me that he needs help and he knows he can't do this alone but that he's not "one of those" that can sit in a circle and admit his name and that he's an alcoholic. So apart from these group sessions, does anybody have any ideas as to where to start looking for help? I know that the counsellors/advisers that our GP recommends are not very good (friends have told me). I think he's going to need somebody pretty strong and "on the ball" to deal with him. Any ideas/info greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 22/03/2012 15:45

you call Al-Anon.

he needs to find his own help. addicts don't recover when someone else is in charge of getting help.

if the GP doesn't give him what he wants, then he needs to suck it up and go to AA along with everyone else. beggars can't be choosers frankly. yes it's embarrassing to talk about your problems with strangers etc., but you know what, he can go to online AA groups... he can try an AA alternative like Lifering... (again, they have online groups too if there are no live groups near him. here's a list of AA alternatives that you can give him to investigate www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=28817).

as long as you are taking responsibility for finding him help, you're just feeding into the addiction. sorry. call Al-Anon and go to meetings and talk to people, and you will find out that i'm speaking the truth.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/03/2012 15:53

Without wishing to play it down at all, his alcohol consumption is excessive but is he actually dependent? Can he go a day or two without drinking? Does he drink early in the day? Hide bottles around the house? Smell of alcohol at odd times? What exactly constitutes 'pathetic' behaviour? A lot of people are heavy habitual drinkers or binge drinkers rather than necessarily alcoholics and they respond differently to support.

bunnymoo · 22/03/2012 15:58

Thank you oikopolis, advice/links much appreciated. It's very difficult to take a step back but I know I have to do it - I know he needs to do this for himself. I've told him that even if it's the end of the road for us, he owes it to himself to get help for his future and any future people in his life. The problem is that I'm a very caring person and no matter what he's done to me in the past, I still want to help him find his way. How mad is that!!! I've just got to be really strong and stick to my guns. I think he's in denial about me calling it a day but I guess that's all part of the process! I'll definitely take a look at that link this afternoon. Thanks again.

OP posts:
misty0 · 22/03/2012 15:59

Watching this with interest.

misty0 · 22/03/2012 16:00

So hard to know when its alcoholism or just a habit.

Is there a difference even?

MissFaversham · 22/03/2012 16:01

I'd actually tell him to leave. Sounds like he's just saying this to buy him time. Tell him to go, he's even affecting your son now. Then point him in the directing of his GP or AA. NO more enabling OP.

oikopolis · 22/03/2012 16:05

alcohol is highly physically addictive. if someone drinks the same amount every single night, and has done for a year or more, there's very little chance that no physical addiction exists imo. (i am not a doctor though so take that for what it's worth)

the psychological addiction is just as dangerous though. and again. if you're doing it every single night, and it's affecting the people around you but you still don't stop, then there is an addiction there.

Dinosaurhunter · 22/03/2012 16:10

My dad is a alcoholic , up till 3 months ago he hadn't drunk for 12 years sadly he has now had a relapse and my mum is caring for him on the advice from his doctor .
She has to give him medication everyday ( I presume some form of detox ?) but she has a very sad life , no way out now after 30 years .

Dinosaurhunter · 22/03/2012 16:11

Oh meant to say everything is best done through a gp as you seem to have better access to groups , therapy etc ..

helpyourself · 22/03/2012 16:18

oikopolis then he needs to suck it up and go to AA along with everyone else. beggars can't be choosers frankly

I am an alcoholic in recovery and whole heartedly agree with you. The only stigma and AA bashing I come accross is from Active Alcoholics in denial- the only difference between me and the OPs partner is acceptance and humility.

OP do get in touch with Al Anon.

bunnymoo · 22/03/2012 16:19

CogitoErgoSometimes - I used to be in two minds as to whether he was classed an alcoholic but he said that he was and also after reading up on quite a lot of stuff, the following, apparently, are just a few indications of alcoholism: making his homelife unhappy, careless of your family's welfare, its affecting his reputation, he drinks to escape his worries, he drinks alone, he has memory loss as a result of drinking.

He probably could go a day or two without a drink but he doesn't. Doesn't drink in the morning as he needs to work but does grab a drink on the way home which he told me last night. 'Pathetic' behaviour in that he has to control the situation, if you don't eat what he's cooked for dinner he gets annoyed, you're expected to laugh at his jokes which aren't funny, he makes digging remarks about my son to me, more so when he's had a drink, and generally fills the house with tension. In fact it's got so bad my DS told me last night that his GF feels so uncomfortable being in our house, she doesn't want to come round anymore - how sad is that!!

As mentioned this is comparatively light stuff that happens now, you'd be astounded as to what I've had to endure over the last few years!!! Verbal/emotional abuse, kicking doors, abandoning me, my DS and his DD overnight on holiday abroad, driving into a wall in the car with me in the passenger seat and the wall on my side, urinating over my son whilst asleep coz he didn't know what he was doing, driving his car whilst drunk with me and his DD (aged 4 at the time) in the car with me pleading for him to stop, I could go on .....

OP posts:
JuliaScurr · 22/03/2012 16:20

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/about
Hope these people can help you Smile

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/03/2012 16:27

"when its alcoholism or just a habit."

I've had the misfortune to be involved with both types - several members of one family. IMHO and IME it's a very fine line. Alcoholics are dependent on alcohol. They cannot go one day without alcohol and it is by far the most important thing in their life - more important than children, partners, a job, their driving licence. If there is any alcohol they will drink it. If there is no alcohol they have to get their hands on some.

Heavy habitual drinkers will drink it because it's there. They drink because they're happy, sad, stressed, whatever excuse. Unlike alcoholics, they can stop drinking for a day or two and still function. If there is no booze, they're fine. Their addiction is the association... the bottle of wine with every meal or the evening scotches to wind down after a hard day... rather than the alcohol on its own.

One member of the family who fell into the second category quit drinking overnight because he recognised that his drunken behaviour was destroying his family. He did it without any support.... just cleared the house of booze and never drank again. His father and sister were alcoholics by contrast and, despite professional detoxes and various other therapies, never recovered.

bunnymoo · 22/03/2012 16:29

helpyourself - thank you and well done to you (alcoholic in recovery). I don't fully understand this disease and I've been reliably informed that it is a disease, but want to try and understand it so I'll definitely be getting in touch with the local Al Anon. I am worried though that DP won't want to go to AA because of the religious connections? I know that they say they're not connected with religion but as soon as he reads anything about God, he won't go there. Having said that, surely that means he's not willing to try!!!??

OP posts:
bunnymoo · 22/03/2012 16:32

Dinosaurhunter - I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad .. and your Mum. That's exactly the situation I don't want to find myself in. I know that sounds bad but I've put up with such a lot from him in the last few years, I really don't feel I owe him my life!! I wish you and your Mum all the best, she must feel awfully sad.

OP posts:
bunnymoo · 22/03/2012 16:33

Dinosaurhunter - I meant to say that I think maybe the GP would be a good option as at least they would know what is available locally on our doorstep.

OP posts:
helpyourself · 22/03/2012 16:34

It's difficult, because to recover the addict has to want it for himself- don't get involved in making him go or understand.

Remember (or let me introduce you) to the 3 Cs

I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it".

venusandmars · 22/03/2012 16:38

bunnymoo I agree with what others have posted - there is not much that you can do to help - you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink - or in this case - STOP it from drinking. I understand that you're a caring person, and sometimes the most caring thing you can do is to walk away and leave the alcoholic to work out whether they want to address the problem, or whether they will just carry on maing excuses for ever.

I write this as someone who is an alcoholic.

I know that I could find every excuse under the sun why the various options for help did not help me "didn't believe in a 'higher power'": "wasn't a group person"; "found the councillor patronising (she was!)"; "lived too far away from Rational Recovery group".... they were excuses everey single one of them, because I didn't want to find a solution - particularly not AA which I knew advocated complete abstinence.

I did attend some sessions run by a local charity, but one of their options was 'controlled drinking', so I chose that option, and pulled the wool over their eyes that everything was improving (didn't fool my liver). And of course I COULD manage a couple of days without drinking, I was very accomplished at looking as though I wasn't an alcoholic. But every minute of those 2 days, I'd be counting down to when I could have a proper drink again.

I am posting this to give you a little glimpse into how perverse and convoluted the mind of an alcoholic can be Sad And for me, the physocal addition is very small, the psychological addition was HUGE.

I wish you all the best.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2012 16:41

bunnymoo

You can only help your own self here and a good place for you to start would be Al-anon.

Your man seems to be in deep denial of the problem and does not want help. You are too close to the situation to be of any real use, besides which he does not want your help.

The 3cs re alcoholism that helpyourself has cited are ones you would do well to remember.

There are no guarantees re alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards. You are still not responsible for him.

You need to carefully consider your future with this man, infact I would argue you have no happy long term future with him and you and your son would be far better off without him in your day to day lives.

Would also suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Davies.

oikopolis · 22/03/2012 16:43

bunnymoo there are groups that don't have a spiritual element. LifeRing, Rational Recovery, etc. They all have online groups if there isn't one nearby.

Here's that link to AA alternatives again:

www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=28817

BelleDameSansMerci · 22/03/2012 16:47

helpyourself it's really brave of you to post like that.

Nothing helpful to add as all advice has been good. My father is an alcoholic. He has destroyed his life with drink. It's heartbreaking but he will not seek help.

bunnymoo · 22/03/2012 16:49

venusandmars - thank you for being so honest. So with everything that has been posted on this thread, from your point of view, do you think my DP is a heavy drinker or an alcoholic. He, himself, said he was an alcoholic but not being a drinker, its very hard for me to establish exactly what he is! I know he's a drama queen and has to be centre of attention, he has an addictive personality, does this help establish what he is? From all your posts today, I'm actually wondering whether he is actually an alcoholic or whether its more his anger management issues he needs to deal with first which then turn him to drink!!! I don't know. He's not touched a drink in the last couple of days but we've been here before and I'm sure that by the weekend he'll be saying I'm just gonna have one beer ...... and then we're off again? What do you think?

OP posts:
bunnymoo · 22/03/2012 17:02

oikopolis - thanks these sound a bit more interesting and they don't have a spiritual element attached.

Will spend the evening catching up on the links and info that you've all provided. Thank you so much to you all for your help. It's much appreciated.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 22/03/2012 17:06

This is for him to sort out tbh not you. Al anon can support you but as others have said he needs to tackle this himself. AA is not like he described at all.

TheCountessOlenska · 22/03/2012 17:20

He's a functioning alcoholic IMO.

My father was where your DP is when I was a teenager. He controlled it for periods of time but overall it was a slow downwards spiral - from a well-paid career, to a less well paid job, to a basic minimum wage job. From cans of strong larger and wine to vodka. His last relapse managed to scare even him I think and he hasn't drank for about 5 years. He had to want to stop for him - he couldn't do it for his family Sad

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