If he loved me he would of fought for our marriage right??

[JessyJ34]

About a year ago I told my husband I didnt love him and he accepted and moved out.
We were together 10 years and have 3 children.
I suffered terrible pnd and put on s much weight, didnt want to see anyone or do anything I felt so ugly and worthless.
He wasnt very supportive of this and I believe it must of been horrible for him to come home to.
We didnt talk or go out together and after our 3rd child slept in different rooms.
We both gave up. Many times I would say lets try please but still nothing.
Anyway after about 3 and a half years of not having sex together I said we both deserve to be happy. I couldnt love him how I should of and he seserved to be loved, I didnt want to change him this is who he was. Hes not a very emotional person and doesnt have much to say. He would rather please others than me.
He met a lady a few years older than him and moved in within 2 months of leaving.
I was fine with this and happy for him. I never cryed I just focused on me and the kids. I lost 5 stone and become a different person.
Now I look back and I see it was the depression and my marriage weighing me down but now I feel I gave up too easy but then I wonder would I be the person I am now if he hadnt left?
I asked him to come home about 3 months ago I said we can move start again and explained I was probably a rubbish wife but I was ill. Im different now.
He wont come home he said I made the decision and thats that.
Why would he come home though right this woman has money, we never had any. She lives in a big house her kids are grown so no stress as ours never slept.
He bought a new car and went on hol to egypt within the first 6 months. We never had a hol.
He blames me. If he truly loved me he would of fought for our marriage right?
Am I to blame?
In my heart I wanted him to be happy and he is. He has forgotten about his parental responsibilities.
There is so much more to tell but dont want to go on too much.

Of course he doesn't want to come back. He has found a "Mummy" with benefits and doesn't have to be an adult.

Does he see his kids? Does he contribute to their up keep?

I would suggest you get some counselling, and then get on with your own life. Ultimately you will be the winner as you have the kids.

Its not your fault, or certainly not solely. But it does actually sound as if he is dreadfully passive, and not really an adult.

you didn't love him so you did the right thing asking him to go. It's a shame he has stopped being a proper parent though.

You need to move on and and accept that you both have a new life now.

You told your husband you wanted him to move out and he agreed. Presumably, this wasn't a quick chat over a cup of coffee but the result of a long period of unhappiness on both your parts and after a lot of talking.

If he hadn't gone, you may well have come on here saying you were upset he wouldn't move out and got lots of answers saying how unreasonable he was

You got what you wanted. He moved out. He moved on. You moved on

Now you want to move back but the world has changed and he has changed. You need to change.

I'm afraid I agree with Dreaming, OP.

I remember reading somewhere how (big generalisations coming up, be warned) women, rather than saying what they want, tend unconsciously to set tests for their men, and if they fail these tests then it proves that they don't love them or the relationship is rubbish, and it sounds like this is what you have done and it backfired. You set him a test and he didn't behave as you wanted him to. Men (generally) tend to take things at face value whereas we expect them to second-guess what we actually want them to say/ do.

It must hurt that he has moved on so quickly, but you need to give this all time: it may be that he decides he does want to come home, but you could probably do with space yourself to make sure that it is actually what you want. If he does come back there seem to be loads of problems that you need to work through with him: if you don't your depression could return and you will be back to square one.

"It's a shame he has stopped being a proper parent though."

In what way is he now no longer a 'proper parent'? Because he started another relationship? Because he went on a holiday?

He has def got a mother figure and yes he isnt mature in the way he speaks, never has been.
He sees them every other weeked and pays very little to their up keep.
He has time to take them and pick them up from school but chooses not too.
He says he needs his space too.
I honestly didnt set a test though, I really didnt love him. I was a different person then. Its like Iv learnt so much this past year.
I just find it hard on my own sometimes wondering if I will ever find what he has.

No not because he has a new girlfriend or went on holiday. Why would I think that was not being a proper parent?
He never asks after them. He pays £20 a week for them. Stopped paying the mortgage. He will not go out of his way to be involved with their out of school activities. He wont look after them for me to work. Not even an extra hour. He says he needs his time. When your together he wouldnt argue this!

ecclesvet

I was responding to the OP saying that he "has forgotten about his parental responsibilities."

Obviously I don't know the details but was purely responding to those clearly written words in the original post.

As you can see from the subsequent post by Jessy there are reasons given but I am not the OP so can't vouch for those reasons.

Sounds like it has been a really complicated, tough time. Maybe you just would like him back as things are difficult at the moment? If so, focus on you. Take a course, do some training, get a new hobby. Get out socialising. Please allow him to fade from your thoughts. That time has gone. New things and new people will come your way if you are open to it and getting out and about.

If you aren't happy regarding access/maintenance arrangements then take it up with him in a factual manner. Hope he steps up.

OP - if you didn't love him, why would it bother you that he didn't fight to stay together? I think that encapsulates the problem here - you honestly don't sound like you know what you want. Until you do, just focus on the children, as HotBurrito says - keep all your discussions with him limited to them and getting him on board. But if he's not interested there isn't much you can do other than ensuringlegally that you are receiving what you are entitled to. And concentrate on moving your life forward without him. He does sound a bit useless but he may genuinely need space after what sounds like has been a tough time for all of you. You can't expect him to just fall in line with whatever you want him to be - it'll take time.

He pays £20 a week for 3 dc??!! Was that figure set by the CSA?

Are you divorced?

£20 for three kids! I'd missed that post

His relationship with you, and his relationship with your DCs are two seperate issues.
You asked him to leave, and he left. He then moved on. Whether or not you were ill, you ended the relationship, and tbh it sounds like he wasnt too upset. You cant expect him to come running now you have decided that you want to give it another go. He has his own life.
The children are another matter, he should be taking responsibility for them. maybe the CSA is the way to go.

Oh dear - I feel really sorry for his children that he is demonstrating his lack of deep care to them - that must really hurt. I am sure they are glad to have you.

I totally understand how it must be hard to be alone, especially with 3 children to look after and no-one to hand over to if you're having a bad moment - but you sound great - you have totally turned yourself around and that is no mean feat so give yourself a pat on the back. :)

If you didn't have history with him and he wasn't father to your children how would you view him then? In other words if you met on a night out and heard he was a father of 3 but kept himself aloof emotionally and financially despite having the resources to contribute in both ways would you give him even a second glance? Probably not.

So view him for what he is - a self-centred person who has no ability to give of himself in ways that are not convenient to him, and whose relationship with someone who doesn't 'need' to rely on him for childcare support or money (in other words as a real team partner) is probably the best one he could be in as it limits the impact his selfishness can have on someone else's life.

I hope you find someone nice to have for yourself but the emotional desert you have left behind should stay in the past imho.

I do think sometimes thats true that maybe things ar tough so I want things to be normal again. I know they wernt normal but it was for my children. It would be easier for me to work etc.
I crave my family!
I am trying to get out and change my life its so hard!!
I have tryed to talk to him about having them more for me but he likes how his life is now without having to do the parental things we have to do and should want to do.
I didnt love him and yes he left but I honestly feel I was ill and was clouded but believe if he loved me he would of fought, he obviously didnt love me!
Im just scared of not having normality and I feel ancious all of the time, like Im searching for my happy ever after!
My children come first to me and I concentrate on them before anyone else. This is why I want to move on but find it difficult being a single parent and starting all over not just on my own but now I do not suffer with depression all of a sudden I find myself lost as I didnt really have a life for many years.
Yes csa have calculated this. He works part time.
No I dont expect him to come running. I know I wasnt too nice to live with I would just like him to see Im a different person. We have kids together we could of made it work. I changed! He didnt!
Thankyou GinPalace.
This is true I wouldnt want to be with him if I looked at it like this.

Well, thank goodness you have managed to escape the cloud that depression casts over your life. Wahey! :)

Now you are in the rebuilding stage and you never know what is round the corner! Can you get involved in things that interest you and forget men for a bit? A local running/book/wine appreciation etc club. Can you find one day/night a month that you have a babysitter and you do something just for you - with your friends or out meeting new people?

It is like being in the mountains, you are about to crest the summit - you look back and see how far you have come, you have a marvel at yourself and how fit you must be and how amazing it is the calories from two bricks of weetabix and a slice of toast can get you so far, then you get to the top and see you have come a long way but the real summit is a little further on. So you have a quick sandwich, look at the fab view and get going again, and though the you had come a long way, when you get to the real summit you really will be on top of the world!!!

It must be quite irritating in way that he is living like Peter bladdy Pan while you are bearing all the responsibility. But when your kids achieve great things, and become lovely adults, and get married and you hold your grandchildren, and your kids say 'thank-you, we know now it must have been hard' - all that pride that will make your heart burst will be yours - all yours!!!! Your life will be richer - maybe not easier - but infinitely richer.

I have actually just started running, I need to get used to it before joining any clubs Im still slightly overweight. I wish I had more confidence.
I put a post on here about internet dating and just set up a profile but your right I dont want that to be most important I want to find a life for me first.
They are very good words. I like how you look at things :-)
Ha that also made me laugh peter bladdy pan! Sounds about right. Its does irritate me in many ways.
Yes this is so true about life being richer! Thankyou :-)

WOW- I am so impressed. You've recently lost 5 stone and now you have taken up running!! All while still living under the weight of reduced confidence and coming out of a major life trauma - amazing!! You'll be unstoppable once you throw off the last of the stuff dragging you down - I wouldn't want to stand in your way. Go you!!!

What are your friends and family like? Are they supporting you? :)

I think it just sounds like you need some fun! What is fun for you and where can you get some. You need to have a really good laugh!

How old are your kids? Can you get them involved in the fun? Go camping for weekend? :)

4, 6 and 9.
I dont have the equipment and a little strapped for cash right now but I would love to go camping.
Fun is what I definitely need. A life is what I need to be honest.
When you separate from a partner life is so different and you realise you have no single friends.

Sorry missed your 1st post! I have my mum and a close friend that support me.

And thanks for your words of kindness, I am doing ok arnt I? Im trying to stay positive and build a new life. I just get a little lost sometimes and lose site of hope. I know its not everything but I do miss having someone in my life, someone that is interested in me. Someone to give me a big hug sometimes.

Hmmmm - free fun ideas needed.

Start a new thread for that one - should get some creative answers!

Going to the pet shop at the garden centre and pretending it's a zoo
Go to the nearest beach/hill for walks with a frisbee
Have a girly party at your house where everyone brings a dish and you all stay in and have a laugh (doesn't matter if they aren't single!)
Borrow camping gear - (you must know someone with a tent?) just go for one or two nights so you don't have to take too much food or washing gear or changes of clothes. Live off crisp sandwiches and apples and bananas for the duration - the kids won't get rickets.
Think of another friend with kids who lives somewhere else and is fed up too and have 'holidays' at each others houses, visiting their local parks/swimming pool etc.
Go on your council website and look at the Things To Do section - they are often pretty good and list all the local free stuff i.e local ranger talk at nearest nature trail etc.

Hmm

most of those are bit child centred aren't they.

Could you volunteer at your local riding stables and muck out in return for riding lessons...

just trying to throw ideas out in case something sparks a thought...

You're doing great - fab actually - and it is completely normal to want someone interested in you and a massive hug - if you didn't I'd be worried you were a sociopath!!!

who can you talk to in RL?
:)
Is there a rambling club near you?

One that isn't all oldies that is!