Tell me how to handle this please

[hesnotthatintomeishe]

Been seeing someone for 3 months. I like him a lot, he seems to like me. He is a bit younger than me has no dc, I do.

However when we meet up it is always driven by me, its always me suggesting it although he seems happy and excited to do stuff with me. I don't think he has once suggested us doing anything. I have told him when I am available each week when the dc are with their dad, but still he does not suggest making dates. Things just drift until I suggest something. However he texts or calls at least four or five times a day. We have an amazing time when together.

Would you say something? I am beginning to feel that I am much more into this than he is and that is not a very good feeling. I don't know whether to come straight out and say "why don't you make dates with me?!" or just not suggest anything and see what happens. Both options make me feel not great to be honest.

So opinions please.

WHen I started dating my dp he always left it up to me to arrange when we saw each other next, mostly because, like you, I have dc and he didn't. It would be awful for him to keep suggesting a time and you keep knockign him back if you can't do that day. By all means bring it up with him but I wouldn't jump to conclusions tbh. Maybe he doesn;t want to pressure you.

Ok, but I have been really clear about the days I am available. They are the same two days each week, mid week. I have said it a couple of times as in "well I do get quite a lot of free time, kids with their Dad on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, every week". It is really obvious.

But maybe he assumes you don't want to spend all your free time with him? WHat did you do on these days before you met him? Are you definately an item, have you talked about being exclusive?

Not really, last time I saw him we both said we weren't dating anyone else but just left it there really. It just gets a bit soul destroying actually to keep saying well "do you want to do something next week or the week after" its always me, never once has he suggested anything.

Would the idea of being the driver in the relationship not bother you in the long run?

I am the driver in my marriage and I have to say that it drives me bananas sometimes, I just want DH to make suggestions!

I don't actually mind as long as I can be sure he likes me and I am not forcing things that aren't happening naturally iyswim?

I thought about just not suggesting anything at all and not texting for a day or two to see, if he doesn't bother to keep things up then i will know won't I? but that feels a bit like game playing and I really don't want to do that. To be honest I am rather fragile about the whole thing as this is my first "relationship" after a ten year, unhappy marriage. Neither slowing down communication or asking straight out really appeal to be honest, I am aware that this pretty much leaves me nowhere.

is he a little lacking in confidence? perhaps he sees you as the stronger one of your two?

I agree the kids thing would also be a factor. Also the assumption that ALL your free time is available to him potentially if he were to ask.

If you like him, and it seems clear he likes you... why not sit him down and say. Look, I'm always free on x and y, so when would you like to meet up next and what do you want to do? PUT the ball in his court...

OK, if you are not keen on taking the bull by the horns just yet, just enjoy it for what it is and keep at it until you HAVE got the confidence to suggest that the next date is down to him. he plans it.

Am I thinking about this too much? I am trying to enjoy it for what it is but its very, very hard!

I'm not sure. If he is in touch with you a lot that's nice, and suggests he is into you, but without wanting to be in charge at all - he's leaving that up to you as you're older, well, maybe he ses you a little tiny bit in a motherly role?

It's up to you if you are comfortable with that but I think it'd drive me insane.

DP always makes suggestions, says when he would like to come round and I like that as I always say yes, and so we're both happy.

But then he is working FT and I'm not, and he's older than me. It makes me feel more secure, which suggests to me that perhaps your date isn't all that secure in himself.

I dunno...it's tricky.

Cross posted, I'd say if you're not really enjoying it as it stands, it's not really doing it for you enough to stay.

You have to be having a good time and right from the start, really.

But it sounds like a nice ego boost anyway - take it for what it's been, a good thing, someone you like and he likes you, just it didn't have quite the right balance.

I would find this hard... it tends to suggest either that he's not that into you, or that he's a very passive personality. I don't think it's game-playing to wait and see if he suggests something next week, rather than leaping in yourself first.

Thats what I think mooncupgoddess, that he is not that into me, which feels a bit crap but certainly not as crap as keeping on chasing him would. He hasn't actually texted today although did loads yesterday. In fact his was the last text so I suppose its "my turn". Do you think I should leave it to drift a little bit? See what happens.

I would try leaving it for a day or so, and see what happens.

Yes, I may never hear from him again and that will feel just great but better than asking straight out to be told I suppose.

OMFG! He has JUST texted me asking what I am doing next week! MN you brought me luck!!!!!

I am beginning to feel that I am much more into this than he is and that is not a very good feeling

Hmmm... listen to your feelings, I have learnt from experience. If you are not having good feelings, its telling you something. Chances are if you give him an opportunity to clarify his feelings you may get more insight.

Well thats nice, but after 3 months I would still ask . Good luck.

Thanks Jane. Just so apprehensive about having That Conversation. Have never really had to in the past things just happened naturally.

Anyway am seeing him next week at HIS instigation so we shall see. Can't believe I got THAT text while I was moaning on here .

I would say he needs to man up a little here TBH.

Without game playing why no arrange for you and a friend to do something on a night when you don't have the children, rather than put all your eggs in one basket. If you were married for a long time it would be good to experience single life before you get too involved with someone after just 12 weeks. Far too soon to start worrying - you have probably only just put one big worry behind you - don't start another worry just yet!!

I always say, don't tell them how to treat you, but watch how they treat you and make your mind up from there otherwise ten years down the line you might be saying, he was like this from the outset, I shoud have know it would always be me making plans! Have fun.

Why don't you use the fact that you are pleased that he has instigated something as a positive way to open the conversation about how he rarely does this? ie mention to him how pleased you were that he suggested doing something because you have been feeling a bit like it has all been you and it was nice to feel that he positively wanted to arrange to get together?

It's good that he has finally asked.

It just struck me, though, one thing I've read about men and how you know if they like you or not is that they'll always be in touch to try and arrange to see you again asap. (I know, cliche - it's from some website!)

But I've found it's true. The ones that have been really into me, I've not had to wonder at all. I've always been called really soon, they always want to make plans, they don't ever wait for me to call them. They just call and call and call. You get a very strong feeling that they want to be with you all the time.

In fact it's pretty hard to fend them off sometimes
Whereas the ones that are just drifting a bit, not full on into me, not really sure - they are the ones that tend to go Dutch on the invites, or wait for me to suggest things, etc etc.

I have never needed to even think about calling a man who is into me in a big way, because he's called me before I have the chance to.

So I wonder if you are sensing that he isn't all that interested by his behaviour in other ways? He might just be young and shy and not want to be pushy, but anyway, see how it goes.
I think you'll figure it out pretty soon, either way.

hmm but men who are pretty hard to fend off and call, and call, and call have their own issues and are not necessarily genuinely into you but may be types that are always massively 'into' someone new or they may be pushy, possessive god knows what.

OP i'd just mention that it was nice for him to call and arrange something for once as you were started to feel like it was always you and wondering whether you should back off a bit. it'll encourage him to keep up his end of things if he doesn't want you to feel like that - if he doesn't then regardless of whether he's into you or not you'll know he doesn't change simple things in order to make you happier.

Very true! Yes , one or two have been like that, and it's not good.

But the nice ones who were really interested in me also called a lot - not too much, you understand, but enough so that I didn't have to worry about it.

The ones who called too much were the strange ones!