Things plummeted to new depths with h

[feelokaboutit]

After latest argument with h, he is now totally stonewalling me. He is prone to doing this but will normally communicate about logistics to do with kids etc... He has now blasted me into kingdom come (metaphorically!) and is behaving as if I am not there. I asked him two questions today and it was as if I had not spoken.

Am worried what I might have to go through now emotionally .

If it was just me I would definitely be off. It would be the most freeing thing in the world!

Oh wow, another one.

• workaholic, distant, communication through text, not much sex, 'you are the problem', you doing all the work on the relationship, feeling uncared for and not respected.

Been there, done that.

It does affect the children, it really does.

It made me ill to live like this, after 20 years, physically ill.

I would ask him either to go to Relate or move out.

I am still with mine but we did go to relate (after I threatened seriously and with intent to move it).

hi fiventhree - can I ask if your relationship with your dh is a lot better now? I have asked h to go to counselling before and he flatly said no. If it does come to us separating, I will suggest counselling and see what he says. He is very very stubborn and comes from a family of extremely stubborn and unbending siblings. I can imagine it made you ill. That's what they say stress does eventually .
It does sometimes cross my mind that if I were seriously ill, h would still be on his computer, hardly noticing anything or talking.

I am really glad that nobody is taking any notice of the book quoted above by the author Simon Sasha Baron-Cohen, basically saying that most men are on the autistic spectrum and lack an empathy gene, thus excusing shitty behaviour like this.

Worra a load of ole shit

Can I just ask straight - do I deserve not to be spoken to because I said h is aggressive and horrible and his opinion meaningless (all this in front of kids)???

Yes, you deserve better. The only qualification for deserving better is to be a human being.

That you told him that you didn't want him to call the kids stupid is neither here nor there. What you said to him isn't the issue i mean. You should be able to discuss these things without fear of him ignoring you for weeks. You are allowed to speak your mind, that is your right.

What's the alternative? To never say what you think? You can't live like that. It wouldn't be doing the right thing by you kids either.

The way he reacts is dysfunctional.

AF - I've heard similar comments made regarding "most men being on the autistic spectrum" . I also think it's rubbish as it almost implies being male is a disorder.

I speak as a father of DS with asd and would probably be considered by many as being on the spectrum myself so I'm maybe not best placed to talk!

That said, I think many men struggle with the discussion of emotions and feelings but the behaviour exhibited by the OPs dh goes way beyond that.

manfrommars, I also think that simply "having a penis" does not confer a problem with empathy, communication and having the desire to treat a partner with respect

because gosh, that would be a bit of a man-hating kind of comment, wouldn't it ?

AF - sorry you've lost me....where did I imply you had made a man-hating comment?

you didn't, manfrommars, I was using irony

we were agreeing with each other, and the "man hating" comment means that anyone who believes that shit doesn't think very much about men

that was a genuine not a passive aggressive btw

AF - Apologies....I don't do irony particularly well. Perhaps I should get a dx

"If it was just me I would definitely be off. It would be the most freeing thing in the world!"

If you are staying 'for the kids' please know that they are directly suffering as a result of living in an environment where the man thinks it's OK to call them stupid (verbal abuse) and to stonewall their mother as a punishment.

This is abuse clear and simple and I'm willing to bet is the tip of the iceberg.

Don't stay for the children... GET THE HELL OUT FOR THE CHILDREN.

hehe, manfrommars, no need to apologise

irony and sarcasm don't come across too well in text

feelokaboutit - please don't stay for the sake of your children. They pick up so early on about tensions between parents. I finally left my XH when my son was 2 because he was starting to pick up on things, and I didn't want him growing up thinking that sort of behaviour was normal. Please go for the sake of your kids.

Staying for the children won't really work i don't think. They will learn all the wrong things about how to have a relationship and then his dysfunctional behaviour will be passed down another generation.

Ignore me if i am wrong but did you say that he said that his not agreeing to counselling indicates his not wanting to save the relationship? So he said it was over?

I don't see how you can be happy with him. He doesn't want to change and he's a nightmare to live with!

I understand you not wanting the situation where you're kids don't live with you. I wouldn't either. Not sure there is anything else you can do though.

And no, what you said doesn't justify his stonewalling you.

How old are they?

sometimes it really is just a smile, I am a smily person, not a maniacally-grinning one

"if I were seriously ill, h would still be on his computer, hardly noticing anything or talking."

This happened to me. I was seriously ill in bed whilst he focussed on the kids (so not computer this time, but either way you, woman, are invisible, I eventually after a couple of days knowing I was on my way out, had to break a mug on the floor to get his attention and ask to go to a hosp., ended up on a drip.

You cannot underestimate how little they care or connect with you. I cannot IMAGINE leaving someone in bed for days, but it happened to me.

Abitwobblynow so sad for you that your DH did that to you - i hope he is an ex, what a cunt!

OP - i just could not deal with the not speaking bullshit. I have, at times been so mad with my DP that i might not respond to him at that instant but to not speak to someone is just cruel and infuriating. If this was happening between my DP and I i think i would know that the time had come to call it a day - im so sorry that you are going through this

Thanks for your messages. Our kids are now 6, 8 and 10. Both dds had their birthdays this month. I agree that h has dysfunctional reactions to things that I am pretty sure must have been learned when he was small. His mother is kind and adjusted but his dad must have been a piece of work. Always falling out with neighbours, an alcoholic, not particularly nice to h's sisters, these are the only things I have heard but there must be more.

I must reiterate that h is generally lovely with kids and loves them incredibly. He has a short fuse however which sometimes flares up. All three dc get on with him and love him though ds (10) understands more I think that he can be difficult sometimes.

His reactions towards me (ie. stonewalling for expressing my opinion in an angry way) are dysfunctional and bullying yes. He has very similar behaviour to his younger brother who is really not a very nice person. H is softer and more responsible, but they are both on the emotionally abusive spectrum I think. His brother still makes his partner's life (they are separated but messily) a misery when he wants to and is the most arrogant, entitled, angry, unpleasant person. I actually like h much more than his brother!

I like the idea of an unusual compromise vivian, but I literally cannot discuss anything with h and his behaviour now makes me think what on EARTH would he be like if we separated? How does one co-parent with someone who pretends you are not there?

I'm sorry you were left ill in bed abit .

If we do divorce, what kind of arrangement of who has kids when do you think we are likely to end up with ??? This is not a case of me wanting kids all to myself at all, I am just panicking at how little time I might actually end up being with them .

I have a whole host of other issues too. All property belongs to h. He is very bitter about first divorce when his ex ended up with his beloved house and he ended up with a much smaller one. I have had a bit of a shopping addiction (which has really calmed down) over the years, spending money (my savings) on stuff like books, bags and cheap jewellery. This is one of the things h is deeply resentful of but we never discuss it. Because of this however (or maybe it would be an excuse) he would say that I don't deserve anything. However I have spend 10 years at home with kids, I am trying to recycle myself as as teaching assistant but it is proving difficult. TAs earn very little anyway. I have also used savings to buy things for house, pay for holidays and have lent him some money. I never handed it all over to him (not a huge amount) because of all properties being in his name, nothing in mine (he has a mortgage and debt so not rolling in it).

ANYWAY I AM RAMBLING. I am trying to say that I am not in a good financially independent position. Divorce would be much easier if we won the lottery!

PooPooInMyToes, no the first time I asked him to go to counselling there was no ultimatum involved. I haven't yet made the ultimatum involving the counselling. It was my aunt who suggested it. I think it is pretty clear that he is not interested in the relationship! It basically feels as if in his eyes I have misbehaved, and yes, now I am being punished!

Thanks all for your kind messages.

SPENT, not SPEND!

What i meant was that i thought HE said that if HE decided not to go to counselling that meant it was over? Maybe i misread.

As for the properties. Are you actually married? I think I've read on here before that if you are married then the fact that they are in his name is irrelevant and you are entitled to a share. Could be wrong.