Can dp take me to court for dd if we split?

[tobeheard]

I have written a recent thread on here about wanting to split with my DP as we've had no relationship since baby was born, we are literally just flatmates, no sexual relationship, sleep and eat in separate rooms etc.He is a decent guy, I am a decent girl, just doesn't work and both very unhappy together

Today I finally plucked up the courage to tell him I wanted to separate and move out (that would obviously include moving out with dd). He has been aware how unhappy things have been and I asked a few times for us to go to counselling but he flatly refused. So this is my only option now as I know there is no future. Understandably, he has not taken the news very well and told me that he didn't want to cooperate,didn't want her growing up on benefits (I am currently at SAHM, he is self employed and earns a decent salary). He has said he will only pay the minimum money and he will take me to court so DD can live with him. Can he do this?

I am hoping this is just the hurt talking as I have tried to make him see that two happy parents who are apart is surely better for our 16 month dd in the long term than her growing up in a house with two unhappy parents together. Alas, he currently doesn't see this. Just sees that I'm "taking" his daughter away. I have assured him 100% that I want us to co-parent and want us to work towards an amicable solution which is best for everyone involved. Am I being naive or can he just take me to court and suddenly become the primary carer?

Hope someone can help. Thanks in advance. x

He can try. But since she is a toddler and you are her primary carer he is unlikely to be awarded residence. Shared residence would be considered the norm, although probably not 50/50 for a child so young.

He can try, but it's unlikely that he'd get sole custody, if there's no reason she is unsafe/at risk with you.

Let him give you the minimum amount he can get away with - he sounds like a dick.

Hopefully it's just the hurt talking and he'll come round and cooperate. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you into staying though, you are absolutely right that your DD is better off with two happy parents, and if that means separate, then do it.

As he's self employed I would photocopy any financial docs of his you can lay your hands on because you can bet your bottom dollar he will down play his income to the CSA.

"you can bet your bottom dollar he will down play his income to the CSA"

That's not fair at all. I'm sure there are many men who pay over and above what they 'should', and a very small percentage of them who lie about their income.

How is he going to work if he has to look after the baby?

You're sure of that? Good for you.

Not as confident as you, obviously.

Well as he has told the op he will pay the minimum possible I think she will be well advised to equip herself with as much proof if his income as she can. If I'm wrong, no harm done. There is if your wrong though.

Maybe he's hurt and is utterly panic-stricken at the idea of only seeing her every other weekend and is lashing out. Give him some time?

Also maybe think about options so you can give him some concrete examples of how you will co-parent. As he is self-employed can he juggle work around to give him blocks of time with her?

Is your dp named on your dd's birth certificate? Are you living in rented/owned/mortgaged property which is in your joint names, or is only one of your names shown on the tenancy agreement/deeds/mortgage?

After about two years and a great deal of expense he's likely to end up with every other w/e and half school holidays.

As he is self employed he is in a good position to hide income so beware.

Give him a chance to be reasonable and give mediation a go because few people enjoy the family courts and the dreaded CSA

Good luck

curiositykitten - no she is definitely not at risk with me! Only risk she has with me is of her laughing too much (which she does a lot :) )

Izzyizin - We live together but it is his property, nothing joint at all money wise. He is on the birth certificate yes.

Balia - yes, I am hoping that he is just upset and hurt about the prospect of not seeing dd everyday (understandably, how incredibly upsetting). I have explained to him that I was hoping to c0-parent, (ie, I was hoping he'd see her everyweek, in the week too....I don't want him to be cut off from her, for both their sakes). Again, perhaps I'm being naive. I don't want them to only be together every other week, no way.

I am of course aware that he can hide his full income. He may well do this, which to me seems incredibly selfish as it will be dd that suffers. He explained to him that sometimes people share the rent, or pays towards some of it etc...he said that he would just pay the minimum that child maintenance was the child's upkeep. I explained to him that where the child lives is part of her upkeep and did he really want her to live in some skanky flat?

Basically, as he is self-employed I was hoping he would agree to say I was working for him so I could at least get a decent flat for me and dd (as not many places accept Housing Benefit). I could then get a flat ont he premise I was employed not a SAHM, pay a few months rent and then claim HB and the letting agents wouldn't know (as they don't tell the agents these days when you claim). I would then be able to get an ok place for us to live very near to DP so he could see her often and we could try and work out some way for me to work (childcare costs are the problem as well as actually finding work). I am hoping to do a masters degree next year to retrain, and by that time she will be entitled to 15 hours of free nursery.

Does this all sound reasonable? Has anyone had experience of splitting but eventually (in time) amicably co-parenting?

henry - yes I am hoping he will give mediation a go. It's all very upsetting for everyone but I am hoping it can be done with some dignity. Notice I use the word hope a lot!

I have experience of this, although I was working. It is usually a good idea to go for mediation, and also a good idea to live really near each other, if you can, and get as near to a 50/50 shared care arrangement as possible, as well. I would recommend you find yourself work (presumably p/t at the moment, given that she is so young) so you can stand on your own two feet a bit, if at all possible.

Give your dp time to calm down. I don't think he'd lie for you to get a flat by the sound of what he says. Good luck to you both

You are being very reasonable, perhaps find the local Families need Fathers group for your DP, I promise if he went to one of their meetings and described the situation and what he has been offered they would tell him how very lucky he is.

BoffinMum - yes, I'd love to find myself some p/t work so I can at least partly stand on my own two feet (I've been on benefits before and I hated it, very bad for the self-esteem and coupled with then being a lone parent it would be very hard to deal with). However, childcare is the problem as much as finding work. Whatever I earned with just pay for childcare and thus it would seem crazy working to pay for someone else to look after my baby and not actually make any extra money. How hard have you found it in your situation? Is your child ok? Do you and your partner have an ok relationship? How is it when your chiild is at your ex's place?

I have thought about this for so long, about splitting....and in my head I think it'll all be ok but I think again I'm being naive and that actually it's going to be beyond upsetting and hard, the shame, the guilt etc.

I think asking him to lie is, well, a BIG ask. I would not be comfortable with this and seems a little bit like blackmail. (Lie or DD will live in a skanky flat far far away from you...)

Maybe you have had a lot more time thinking about this than he has and you need to give him some time to get some plans of his own in place. I agree with BM, mediation seems a good way forward - organise it, they will invite him along and he can talk about how he feels. If he can organise his working life so that he provides care 50/50 then the childcare costs won't be such an issue for you returning to work.

Henry1980 it isn't a race to the bottom, is it? I'm sure OP doesn't want her DP to feel 'lucky' because he is 'allowed' to see his child? They should both feel that they are important in this child's life and that they can decide together what happens.

balia - oh no no, I didn't mean it in a blackmail way AT ALL. I just realise that it will be very difficult to get a flat on housing benefit as most places don't accept that. I have been on his payroll before (but not actually working for him) for tax reasons. Perhaps I am wrong, but I was hoping that he may do this for dd, so he would know she was in an ok place. I certainly have not presented it in the way you suggested.

But, where will I live if I am on HB? Perhaps I am being naive and as he said I'll end up on some council estate somewhere? That's terrifying. It makes me see why so many people stay in unhappy marriages due to the financial issues.

I don't think he will go for mediation as he said "over my dead body" when I asked if he would go to Relate with me a few times.

And no, I don't want my Dp to feel lucky to see dd....I completley want him to be as much a part of her life as possible. God, talking about this on here makes it all seem real.

Yes, he needs time to think about what I have said. Is it best I leave him to think about things for a few days and then ask to talk again?

Given that you guys have not been communicating for a long time, it is not surprising that he is not able to discuss things properly with you at the moment. Let the news sink in and let him come to terms with it.

Obviously from your last thread, even this lateste move has not prompted him to 'negotiate' 'talk' or 'fight' for the relationship, so it must be so dead in the woods he has simply given up.

It would not be a good idea to start your new life on a lie, so I would look at all options regarding a place to live before you make yourself reliant on someone you plan to leave. I cannot see him 'helping' you in any way TBH especially by enabling you to go by claiming you were employed by him. It will just leave you vulnerable.

You will have to ahead without his help.

I must admit to being intreagued as to what he said when you told him though. Did he just say fine or did he ask you to re-think your decision?

Does he still say no to relationship counselling? Maybe he just didn't realise how unhappy you were, and will give it a go, now. Would you still be prepared to go down this route? Surely the best for all three of you, if it could work.

Hi Rightchoice - no the chat we had today hasn't made him fight for the relationship. What happened today was he came in to tell me about our new financial situation as child tax credits will stop soon as he is now earning too much, explained everything to me,how he was going to give me money etc....and I felt awful as there he was talking about financial plans (even after I told him I don't love him anymore). I ended up in tears and I just told him, said I couldn't do it anymore, couldn't live like it...at first he said it had been hard and he was persevering etc but then I said we had no future together and I think we should split. He then said "but I don't want to lose my daughter"....no mention of me at all (which is fine). He then took no responsibility for his part in everything...and then was just concerned about dd growing up with me on benefits/council house/skanky place....I tried to explain we couldn't remain together and unhappy, not fair on anymore long term. I was very calm. I feel very sad/guilty about it. BUT, then I tell myself that two people create something, not one.

Yes, you are right re starting on a lie. But, that really leaves me scared now as to where we will live. SHIT.

handmadetail - He realised very much how unhappy I was, trust me. He told me today he was just staying out of the way (head in sand). I would be prepared to go to counselling with him yes (I am now going on my own), but he doesn't see he has done anything wrong so what can you do?

No, you are right. It does take two to make a situation, and as you say, if he wont take responsibility for his part in the breakdown, it's not going to work, I suppose.

I just know that when my DH and i had a bad patch (i mean thinking of splitting up, as well) we did a course, and it really helped to see each others side of things. We are still together, about 9 years, and one more DC on.

Actually, a male friend suggested it to him, which may have made him more receptive to the idea.

But I do hope things improve for you, either together or apart. You are right to say that it is better for your DD if you are happy, even if that means separating.

Incidentally, re the self employed income, I expect the CSA will get the information from his SA tax returns. If he suppresses his income on those, he may get heavy penalties if he is caught. Also, mortgage lenders always ask to see them now, so if he wants to borrow money, and has shown a low income to HMRC, he wont be able to do so. So it's really not worth his while to lie about his income, just to spite you!

Thanks HandMade.
Perhaps if DP and agreed to counselling before things could've been salvaged but now I feel I can't love hiim anymore, I have never such resentment in my life and it's making me act not like me (if you know what I mean).

Yes, I can imagine if a male friend suggested counselling to DP he would probably go. Weirdly, we went to Relate once about 3 years ago. He was open to it then but completely unopen to it now. Doesn't make sense to me. Now when he has dd to lose.

Glad for you that you got through your bad patch. Well done :)