Can dp take me to court for dd if we split?

[tobeheard]

I have written a recent thread on here about wanting to split with my DP as we've had no relationship since baby was born, we are literally just flatmates, no sexual relationship, sleep and eat in separate rooms etc.He is a decent guy, I am a decent girl, just doesn't work and both very unhappy together

Today I finally plucked up the courage to tell him I wanted to separate and move out (that would obviously include moving out with dd). He has been aware how unhappy things have been and I asked a few times for us to go to counselling but he flatly refused. So this is my only option now as I know there is no future. Understandably, he has not taken the news very well and told me that he didn't want to cooperate,didn't want her growing up on benefits (I am currently at SAHM, he is self employed and earns a decent salary). He has said he will only pay the minimum money and he will take me to court so DD can live with him. Can he do this?

I am hoping this is just the hurt talking as I have tried to make him see that two happy parents who are apart is surely better for our 16 month dd in the long term than her growing up in a house with two unhappy parents together. Alas, he currently doesn't see this. Just sees that I'm "taking" his daughter away. I have assured him 100% that I want us to co-parent and want us to work towards an amicable solution which is best for everyone involved. Am I being naive or can he just take me to court and suddenly become the primary carer?

Hope someone can help. Thanks in advance. x

It really does sound like there is no passion on his side at all, and none on yours either. His only concern is for your DD, which is at least something, but you genuinely do not have to live your whole life with someone who wants nothing from you other than being a baby sitter for your DD.

He does sound reasonable regarding money, which is something. I suggest all you can do now is accept that this relationship has no foundation and let go and move on. Who knows when you have moved on you might just accept him as a friend and feel less resentment over the fact that he does not seem to have a love and passion for you at all. Good Luck.

Stand back for a moment and try to step into his shoes.

Imagine that you'd decided when you had DD that you would be the working parent and he was going to be the SAHP. Imagine then that he had told you the relationship was over and automatically assumed that he would be your daughter's primary carer and was going to move out with her.

How would you have reacted?

Yes, he's put his head in the sand about the relationship and his refusal to go to counselling will possibly be a lifelong regret but right now he's shocked and he's hurting. So he's lashing out, but it's probably the hurt talking and not what he would really intend to do if he loves his daughter as much as it sounds.

If he has been closely involved with DD's care up to now, it's certainly possible that he will try to agree 50-50 shared parenting and if that's best for DD, you should co-operate with that arrangement. It will mean you both having a different work pattern but will also mean that you could each work long hours on the days you're not caring for DD.

It's much better that you try to get work and achieve financial independence than get your ex to lie in order to get a flat. The best solution short term would be to broker an agreement between you where you get a job first and live together as separated parents for a short while until you have the wherewithal to get a flat on your own merit. Unless you are going to be at daggers drawn, would that be possible?

But cut him some slack here and try to empathise. See the opportunities of shared parenting for all of you.

Oh I do empathise with him for sure. I do, I will feel terrible if/when we split as I don't want to hurt him (I've told him this), but the relationship is over. We are more like flatmates and I can't ever imgagine an intimate relationship with him again (and he has made no noises about that since DD was conceived so I guess he must feel the same).
He hasn't been closely involved with Dd's care as he constantly works, but I totally want him to try and do 50/50.

Yes I do agree that getting a job first so I can have financial independence is the best idea. HOwever, I would thus end up working part time (even if I could get a job, there aren't many around here part time) and would be paying for my young dd to go in a nursery (don't want that) for no financial gain at all. Nurseries around here are at least £50 per day and the wages are low.

Since I have told him how I feel he hasn't mentioned anything but has suddenly started to all go out together etc, working less. But it doesn't change the fundamental problem, that there is no romantic love there on my part anymore. I feel so sad for us all, sad for him as he's a decent guy, but like others on MN, I just don't love him anymore.
Thanks for your words.

But 50-50 generally means a child lives with each parent for half the week, with a rota for alternative weekends.

This means you wouldn't necessarily have to work part-time - you could do full time compressed hours and long days on the days you don't have DD (same for him or his job might pay enough to make childcare worthwhile) or you could work part-time on your non-DD days and therefore you wouldn't need childcare at all.

curiositykitten
"he sounds like a dick."

he sounds like a man who is about to lose his DD and is lashing out.

Yes, agreed, I just think he is lashing out. I mean, how awful to face the very real possibility that your child isn't going to live with you all of the time, to have the normal family life etc.I hope he is just lashing out.

I'm just finding it all very confusing. 3 weeks ago I told him I didn't love him anymore, 4 days ago I told him that it just isn't going to work, that there is no future, that we would be happier as friends/co-parents etc... the day after he said he wanted to let me know he had looked on CSA website stating he would only have to pay a certain amount (he has got his figures wrong as I phoned them)and suddenly he's become Dad of the Year, not Mr Workaholic, total transformation, not acting selfishly towards me, he actually gave me a kiss on the cheek yesterday (after all that I've said), and today we've all gone out in the sun together and he's been with dd all afternoon.
Last night he was going on about how we could get a new microwave and oven if I wanted to(we need one) but then joked "there's no point though if you're going to leave me".

I'm finding this behaviour a bit strange to be honest. Is he just trying hard as he doesn't want to lose dd? If so, I would rather he actually said this to me, had a discussion about it. As it is, it suddenly feels fake.

And I just feel trapped and upset as I know I want out but I'm not sure I can go through with all the hurt. But I can't live a lie, it's not fair on him or me.

Hattytown - thanks for your advice re work situation x

Why do you feel you have to move out? Is it very uncomfortable living there? I mean if you are living essentially separate lives and there is no one else involved is it not possible to live together, work at it being friends/co parents then you could maybe get back into part time work and essentially job share the child care?
I know you feel trapped but financially its a sounds idea - you can build up saving even maybe and get on a better footing,he will have more experience caring for dc. This does work well when the couple can get past their own issues I know 2 sets doing it very successfully . And if your partner sees you making the effort he might just treat you better as well.
Just a thought :)

Thanks fallen. In response, it's not particularly uncomfortable living here, but I do find myself feeling sometimes snappy towards him and very irritable and upset in myself because I know there is no romantic future and I feel trapped ie - I don't like the way I feel in this situation.I don't feel calm and relaxed like I do when I visit my parents, for instance. I also feel guilty, and I am living a lie.

Your idea sounds great, but in reality, we live in a 2 bedroom flat,my DD and I share a room and he is in the spare room. She is nearly 17 months. She needs her own room. She is also going to become much more aware of things as she gets older. I don't want her growing up thinking that this is a normal relationship, when it's not a relationship anymore (for me anyway). I guess what I'm saying is, yep, I could easily do what you are suggesting in the short term but in the long term it's not fair.

My DP has told me tonight he doesn't want to lose me or her, that he loves us but that if I want to leave then that's my decision and he feels the same as he said the other day, he will not cooperate with it. So it's up to me to decide what to do, how I will go about it practically.

It seems very wrong and selfish surely for me to just bide my time, get myself back into work, try and get some money together and then leave. If he agreed with the situation and felt as I did then it would be ok short term, but he says he doesn't and wants things to be normal. I suppose I am looking longer term, I want to cause as less hurt as possible and the older dd gets and the more attached she gets to DP and he gets to her, the more painful it's going to be for everyone.

Can you tell me more about the people you mention in a similar situation?

tobeheard it's great that you want to co-parent etc, but I am also a bit surprised that you are not making plans financially that are a bit more concrete. If you don't want to end up in a tower block somewhere, then you need to go out and earn money. As a single parent, you will get a lot back in tax credits or your work may run a voucher scheme (his income won't count if you are separated/divorced). His contribution (CSA) will be on top of that.

I didn't really like my dd going in a nursery, but needs must. I understand childcare is expensive, but as I say, you can claim a lot of that back as a single parent, plus if you start working now, you'll get promoted/progress later on, whereas if you sit on benefits for years, you have a gap in your CV and things are much harder. Him helping/taking his share of childcare could actually be a bonus for you.

I am also a bit surprised that you think it's better as DP won't be so attached to your dd. I think it's often better to do these things early, as children get used to the living situation they are in, but it doesn't mean they will be less attached in the future. I don't think you really mean this, as you seem very positive about 50/50 or some type of shared parenting, which would work really well for you and your dd in lots of ways, I think.

Mumsyblouse - I totally agree with what you are saying re getting some financial stability. Of course, I don't want to go on benefits etc and am very aware that the longer I leave it the harder it will be to get a job. But, practically, I just don't see how it can work. I have spoken to DP if he can look after dd if I get some part time work, alas he says he can't. So, even if I could get a part-time job, I would then have to put dd into nursery which would potentially cost more than I would earn a day (previously before dd I was doing secretarial/PA work, contracts, temping etc)....most you can earn around here is about £8 per hour, rent on a 2 bed flat, cheapest is £900 per month, most £1,000.....daily rate for nursery £50+ per day. Can you see my predicament?

I would love to work part-time not only for financial independence but also to so do something for myself, to use my brain again. Alas, DP says his self-employed won't allow this. He suggested I try and get a job in the evenings.

Regarding DP and dd being attached....of course, I know they will be attached whether we split now or in 3 years time. What I meant was, it would be less of an upheaval for dd now as she would be too young to know any difference.

As it is, I think it's fair to say that I will just have to carry on as things are (as many women who are not financially independent do). Try my best to get a part-time job and see what the future holds. Just feels very unfair to DP though. He is starting to try much harder now, but fundamentally I know that we are only just friends now. If I was able, I would've rather 'set us both free' if you know what I mean. He could find someone who loves hiim for him and I could move on too.

Thanks so much for all your great advice everyone. x

It would be far better if you can both sit down and sort out arrangements between you so that your dc gets to see both parents a good split hopefully as near to 50/50 as possible of the time and therefore you both continue to parents together but living apart.

It is not obviously that the child should be with one parent or the other - it is obviously you both love the child, but do you love the child enough to parent together? Whatever you think of your soon to be ex doesn't matter it is do you love and care for your child enough to have an amicable split?

Hi tobe Well obviously I can only say it as I see the situations Im not living it but one couple decided that they were no longer together but neither could afford to move on. Now I am not saying it was easy in fact at first the woman was beside herself as she too felt trapped, she would moan how cramped in she felt and like he was watching her every move.
But after Id say 3/4 months and lots of soul searching together they worked out ground rules, had one weekend where he would spend it with dc and the next she would. of course they were able to swap as they kept a sort of mutual calender.
They seemed to co habit quite well, had their own food but she cooked for dc except on his weekends. Shared all the other bills, and when he began to consider dating they kept it out of the house, Dc was always aware mum and dad were not together. They had different surnames which helped.
It wasnt all, hugs and puppies, they had to work at it but 1 year on they seem from my perspective to get on fine.

actually it must be nearly 2 years now!

Hi fallen...I'm really not sure that set up would be for me at all, living together yet not together (silly really, as that is iin my mind the situation I am currently in), but you know what I mean.Each to their own though!