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Original poster

Cheating partner... please help.

33 replies

newbiemama · 20/03/2012 12:31

I have been with my oh for 5 and a half years. We have a 2yr old son and an 8 week old baby. I thought we both loved each other so much. For me that has always been very apparant no matter what hardships we may have crossed. This is the longest and most meaningful relationship we have both been in.

I have found out that since our baby has been born (possibly from New Year), he has been cheating on me. He has been seeing, speaking, e-mailing and texting a girl from around work everyday. I have found really upsetting messages with them planning on meeting up for movies and nights in when he has told me he is working late. Most of the messages that I have found have been written whilst I am in the same room, even sitting next to him! They have sexual content from him and there seems to be a very emotional relationship between them.

I have confronted him and keep having to go through his denial and lies even though I have the messages in black and white. To make it even worse I have found out about all these messages over the birth of my son, my birthday and mother's day.

I am so upset and completely heart broken, how will I ever recover? If I didn't have children with him i would definitely leave but the fact that I have recently given birth makes me feel that I have to try staying.

I feel so dead inside and can't stop crying. I feel so guilty everytime I get upset in front of my children. This is awful. I have been made to feel that my relationship and I have been completely mocked. I feel ugly, rejected, stupid and generally not good enough. Why did he put his energy and advances towards her and not me? Whilst all this has been going on,I thought we were getting on especially well despite oh's occassional mood swings! I am wrecking my brain for a reason as to why this has happened. What did I do wrong to deserve this. I have no trust and am doubting my love, will this ever grow back and get back to normal?

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 20/03/2012 12:37

God you poor thing:(
You don't have to decide now. Deciding to forgive him while he is still in post discovery anger phase is a terrible idea! You are allowed to ask him to leave and give you some space. He needs to feel what he risks losing then cOme to you with an open heart and 100% effort to be forgiven if you have any chance. If you let him believe there are no consequences then his remorse may not be strOng enough.

Don't be scared that if you kick him out you will be sending him to her arms. If he goes to her then he would have done it anyway, probably behind your back.

HereIGo · 20/03/2012 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinahMoHum · 20/03/2012 12:49

what an arsehole. What a horrible betrayal.
I wouldnt be able to get past that at all.

PooPooInMyToes · 20/03/2012 12:56

What does he have to say for himself?

MissFaversham · 20/03/2012 13:19

Oh OP, how sad. Yet another case of a man not being able to keep it in his trousers during baby years just because he's no longer in the limelight Angry

Can you not make him leave until he decides to own up?

PeppermintPasty · 20/03/2012 13:19

You didn't do anything wrong love, it is his wrongdoing, his betrayal.

You will feel as though you are on a rollercoaster for now, but I agree with HereIGo, you won't get anywhere unless he's prepared to admit it.

Have you got real life support? -Someone who can come round, help you with the children, make sure you eat and get some rest?

Original poster
newbiemama · 20/03/2012 13:23

He denied it, until I sat with him and read out all the messages that I found. He said it was a huge mistake and it wont happen again but how am i ever to know that? He sees this girl every day at work.

He told me that all contact was broken with her the first time I saw messages and confronted him but after that I found more messages. I have even found out that they are still calling each other. He said it was to confirm it was over and she was really upset. But i don't think it needed that many calls, even at 6am!? He says its now completely over and I sent her a message to say that I know and to please stay away as she is breaking up a family. She has even been sending him links on shoes to buy our son!!!!!

I have stopped him from using the laptop and am getting him to give me his mobile when he gets home. (this started last night and is how I know he has spoken to her).

He has a week off booked from a while ago, so I guess i can monitor him. I don't want to live constantly paranoid but don't know how else to combat this.
He says it was the biggest mistake, he loves me so much and wants to try and make amends. How can I ever believe him and move on?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2012 13:25

"What did I do wrong to deserve this."

The only thing you did wrong was choose a liar to have children with. You have no reason to feel guilty. Why would you? Why does it happen? Because - putting it bluntly - some men don't give a shit about anything or anyone else if it gets in the way of getting their legover. Judging by the way he can run his two lives seamlessly side by side, this is clearly very ingrained, repeated behaviour and, I'm sorry to say this, it is unlikely to change. He has total disregard for your happiness, does not respect you, inflicts his 'mood swings' on you, and is behaving like a single bloke rather than a family man with responsibilities. You are not stupid, ugly or inadequate. Direct your anger where it belongs i.e. with him, not you.

You don't leave... you make him pack up and leave. This will get him out of your hair so that you have a chance to play through the shock in private and think calmly about what to do next. STD checks would be advisable - sorry to land that one on you. Get some friends around you... stay strong.

Some people manage to make a go of life after affairs but it's rarely a good life. If you have no trust, you have nothing. Good luck

Original poster
newbiemama · 20/03/2012 13:28

Peppermintpasty: I have no support, I am all by myself talking care of the bubbas and now having to deal with this. My mother recently moved out of town and a part of me doesn't want to tell anyone though sheer embarrassment and the fact that the more it is shared with people I know, the more real it becomes and won't disappear.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 20/03/2012 13:28

I would send HIM for the STD checks. Partly to ram home what he has done and partly to humiliate him . . . is that so wrong? . . .

[looks innocent]

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2012 13:29

"He says it was the biggest mistake"

He means 'it was a big mistake to get caught'. You really have to get him away from you. Tell him to spend his week off out of the house so that you have chance to think. Show him you are deadly serious. All the time he is around he will soft soap you with platitudes..... 'I've dropped contact', 'It was a mistake', 'It won't happen again','I love you so much' 'She meant nothing to me',

You cannot carry on a relationship being his monitor.

PooPooInMyToes · 20/03/2012 13:29

Oh and force him to leave so you can think.

You might be worried about sending him into her arms but if that's going to happen it will happen anyway.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2012 13:31

Pick a close friend and tell them what has happened. You have no reason to be embarrassed whatsoever and you need to move from the 'shock phase' of finding out and the 'fear phase' of wondering what you're going to do through to the 'angry phase' as quickly as you can. When you get angry you'll start feeling better.

tallwivglasses · 20/03/2012 13:32

Maybe you never will. I can't help thinking he's got off lightly. I hope he's treating you in the emanner you deserve now - listening, helping, responding to you, being open. I would warn him that this isn't just all brushed under the carpet now for his convenience.

Parden my cynicism but keep an eye out for a second phone.

Do NOT blame yourself...and don't let him blame you. ((a wee hug))

PeppermintPasty · 20/03/2012 13:34

Yes, you will be even more miserable if you feel you have to police him. I'm sorry, it doesn't sound like he's broken contact and nor will he if he thinks you will put up with it, as it were.

He needs to be the one making all the moves to put this right, not you.

Original poster
newbiemama · 20/03/2012 13:44

So what shall I do? Kick him out and go on a break, end it or give it another go for the kids? God this breaks my heart, I have never been in this much pain.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 20/03/2012 13:50

Kick him out so you can have space. You don't need to make this decision instantly. You are still in shock. Give yourself time and tell HIM to give you time.

He can hardly complain after what he's done.

And seriously send him for an STD check.

Technoviking · 20/03/2012 14:01

I can't see what's to gain for you or your children by giving him another chance. Even when confronted with the truth he denied and denied and tried to twist out of it.
I don't think you'll ever be able to trust him again, you'll be expecting every thing he says to be a lie.

He can still be a good parent, he doesn't have to live with you for that. He may regret cheating, but it is probably best that he regrets it alone and doesn't waste more of your life having you worry and be on edge.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2012 14:18

Never stay together 'for the kids'... It's a lot of responsibility to put on small shoulders that you're prepared to tolerate bad behaviour and sacrifice your happiness just because they exist.

What happens next is entirely up to you. But, speaking from personal experience, the pain of chucking out a partner you thought you loved is nothing compared to the slow death you feel when you realise you have given away all your self-respect, just so you can still have a man in your life.

chocoraisin · 20/03/2012 14:26

oh newbie I understand so much of what you are feeling :( I've been going through a similar betrayal, with a young DS (20 months) and am pregnant. I can't possibly advise you on what to do with your own relationship, but if you're looking for a way to understand him, or to accept his decisions... it's not possible to understand. He has had a very long time to construct his own version of reality, one where his feelings/actions towards this OW are 'allowed' and 'inevitable'. I suggest you spend a bit of time looking at this website if you are feeling strong enough. Especially the healing library which may go some way to answering your questions.

You are NOT to blame. You did NOTHING wrong. You have absolutely no part in his decision to do something so self-serving and selfish as have an affair.

If you choose to give things another go, there is invaluable advice and understanding there on their forums. If you choose not to put up with it, or he decides not to try, please don't feel that any of the shame belongs to you. Your friends and family will be disgusted with him - not you. In all probability HIS friends and family will be too. You need to be supported by people who love you and can help you through this - can you confide in just one person in RL so you have someone to talk to/cry with/turn to?

worldgonecrazy · 20/03/2012 14:41

Firstly, to reiterate, you have done nothing wrong except choose a complete waste of space as the father of your children, but Mumsnet jury forgives you for that :)

Secondly, this is not just sex. Movies and nights-in suggests a fledgling relationship, so if he says it was just for sex he is lying. Ask him to move out to give you some space - he will probably move in with her but he would have done that any way at at time of his choosing. At least this way you get to do the choosing and keep some self-respect.

Please don't feel ashamed. You have done nothing wrong and you need the support of your friends and family. He is the one who should be hanging his head in shame.

HereIGo · 20/03/2012 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2012 15:35

what HereIGo said

you cannot forgive this, the way it is, OP

LiarsWife · 20/03/2012 16:06

Sorry this has happened to you ... Kick him out and get some headspace

And you have nothing to be ashamed of.. When I got proof that my STBXH was cheating I told EVERYONE what he had done

xx

DinahMoHum · 20/03/2012 16:20

hes only sorry because he got caught.

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