Cheating partner... please help.

[newbiemama]

I have been with my oh for 5 and a half years. We have a 2yr old son and an 8 week old baby. I thought we both loved each other so much. For me that has always been very apparant no matter what hardships we may have crossed. This is the longest and most meaningful relationship we have both been in.

I have found out that since our baby has been born (possibly from New Year), he has been cheating on me. He has been seeing, speaking, e-mailing and texting a girl from around work everyday. I have found really upsetting messages with them planning on meeting up for movies and nights in when he has told me he is working late. Most of the messages that I have found have been written whilst I am in the same room, even sitting next to him! They have sexual content from him and there seems to be a very emotional relationship between them.

I have confronted him and keep having to go through his denial and lies even though I have the messages in black and white. To make it even worse I have found out about all these messages over the birth of my son, my birthday and mother's day.

I am so upset and completely heart broken, how will I ever recover? If I didn't have children with him i would definitely leave but the fact that I have recently given birth makes me feel that I have to try staying.

I feel so dead inside and can't stop crying. I feel so guilty everytime I get upset in front of my children. This is awful. I have been made to feel that my relationship and I have been completely mocked. I feel ugly, rejected, stupid and generally not good enough. Why did he put his energy and advances towards her and not me? Whilst all this has been going on,I thought we were getting on especially well despite oh's occassional mood swings! I am wrecking my brain for a reason as to why this has happened. What did I do wrong to deserve this. I have no trust and am doubting my love, will this ever grow back and get back to normal?

So sorry, I know how devastated you must feel - please remember that none of it is your fault, even if he had issues with the relationship, he could have chosen counselling, talking etc instead of having an affair.

You need time and space to process your thoughts and feelings. You also need to start confiding in people as you need real life support, esp with a baby and a young child.

newbiemama

You must be in absolute pieces because of what your oh has done, please believe all the poster's who have said that NONE of this is your fault,.

He has proved to you that he has NO respect for you and your relationship with each other, it would be bad enough if he'd gone out, got hammered and ended up having a one night stand, THEN he could try and get away with saying it was a mistake.

But the fact is, he carried on with his MISTAKE for god knows how long and he even took her out etc whilst you were at home looking after his babies. What a bastard he is!

The way I see it, your oh should be in his element with his new young family and not be off screwing some tart from work.

I'm sorry to be blunt but I honestly believe that if you stay with him then even if he finishes this affair there will be other affairs to follow, even if it takes some years before he cheats again.

Its far easier to be a single parent (and give yourself a chance to find a decent man) than it is to live with a man you can't trust.

You deserve better !

And of course, he will give you his mobile when he comes in.

Doesn't prevent him from getting another payg!

Sorry, not helpful I know but if he's already sneaky......

My husband had 2 affairs and was caught out both times, the second was when our daughter was 5 months old. I managed to forgive him both but I never forgot it and it did get brought up in moments of sheer anger. I too monitored him and made him leave his mobile on the side as soon as he came in and constantly opened his mobile phone bill and monitored his computer usage. In time the need to do that faded, and we had a few more good years together (or so I thought) until i found out last year that he had been emailing, texting, phoning and facebook messaging another woman. When he was confronted with it he lied....but I realised that I could take no more of his lies, so I left him and took our 3 children with me. Since we have seperated he has continued to lie and cheat on me so even after all the chances he was given, he still never changed. unfortunately, i do believe that if a man is able to do it once, he will go on to do it again eventually. A leopard never changes his spots and you must not stay for the children's sake - they deserve to have a happy mum and not a mum that is constantlly looking over her shoulder and doubting her husband. Where there is no trust, there is no love :-(

How's things?

The day that I have to BAN a H from using the laptop and get him to turn over his mobile when he gets in, and monitor him 24 hours a day for fear of him being able to contact so some sewer rat of an OW is the day that he packs a bag.

For the absolute sake of the children you have to kick him out. You can't allow this to go on, you can't be HIS mother too while he's catting about like some honry teenager.

I may have put up with abuse and shit in the past, but those days are over, the first WHIFF of anything like this I'll be thinking of my son and booting the ffer out.

I'll tell any child of mine too. What happens when you lie/cheat/abuse your wife/children? you get slung out.

Houdini has it in a nutshell.

Why should you put up with a relationship where you have to police his every move? If you can't trust him, there's no point.

Your children will see how miserable you are, how is that good for them?

Hope you're doing ok.