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Original poster

Oh please help again. Ex introducing new girlfriend

30 replies

tryingtobecoolandtough · 20/03/2012 11:22

Oh help.
I'm in bits again. Every time I think I have things sussed the bastard throws something new in.

Some of you know my history. Moved back from US after splitting up there. Poor kids dragged from pillar to post. Am now living in the countryside with them, sharing custody (two nights a week and every other weekend) He is 10 miles away. they go to the local school here. (I've no idea if any of this is relevant, just didn't want to drip feed)

So I got a job (woo) its only for a couple of months, but I'll be working late (til 7) every Friday. He said he was happy to have girls on my weekend, and I can collect from him after work.

Phone call this morning, he is seeing someone (no surprise really) But, 'due to my working hours it will be impossible for the girls not to meet her'.
I said no, its too soon and he has announced "If I am happy, they will be happy"

I want to kill him. What do I say/do? My poor girls are not going to know which way up they are, they've been through so much. He is the most selfish bastard on the planet

OP posts:
LittleHouseofCamelias · 20/03/2012 11:28

On the positive side he is agreeing to help you with child care. But does that mean she will be looking after them? Or just that she will arrive while he is looking after them?
If the first then you would be better getting a registered child minder or nanny to have them so you can vet them properly. If the second then you probably have to grit your teeth if you want him to look after them for you.

Be glad he is happy. It will make your life much easier!

MissFaversham · 20/03/2012 11:30

How long have you been apart?

Original poster
tryingtobecoolandtough · 20/03/2012 11:33

He would always agree to childcare as he sees the children as 'his' he would like me to just disappear. In fact he offered for me to travel round the word for year so his older daughter from his first marriage could look after my girls. Cos that was going to happen Hmm

there is no way I could possibly afford a childminder, I'm struggling to pay the 8 pounds a week for breakfast club.

I couldn't give a shit whether he is happy or not, he will never make my life easy. All I'm worried about is my girls having yet another thing to deal with. and not killing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtobecoolandtough · 20/03/2012 11:37

missfaversham we separated in September, but lived in same house til we came back to UK in December.

OP posts:
crestico · 20/03/2012 11:45

shoot me down, but isn't it a little controlling to enforce your rules on your ex? i mean sure, it sucks for you that he's moved on, and it could potentially be confusing for them ... but eventually everyone just has to move on and if he's confident enough to have them meet her... why not?

Amateurish · 20/03/2012 11:49

Sorry, I don't know the backstory, but your description above doesn't make him sound like "the most selfish bastard on the planet" to me.

Original poster
tryingtobecoolandtough · 20/03/2012 11:51

oh right. Its obviously me then Sad

Thanks for your words. I'll try and be reasonable.

OP posts:
MissFaversham · 20/03/2012 16:05

Oh OP, it must be difficult, him playing happy families and you being alone Sad

grumpypants · 20/03/2012 16:12

Without knowing the backstory, this sort of thing doesn't really portray women in a great light. Your ex will facilitate you working, sees his kids, and has had the courtesy to forewarn you of a girlfriend they may meet. Before they meet her. See how that looks when you them call him a selfish bastard?

upahill · 20/03/2012 16:14

Sure I get you don't like it but as others have said it could be a hell of a lot worse. I don't mean that lightly but having seen kids cry because their dad has promised to pick them up on Saturday at 1.00pm and never doing so is a lot worse. (Every single week for months until action was taken as not to be in the house at that time to avoid the inevitable disapointment)

Therefore he is not the most selfish person on the planet.
What do you say? How about 'Your dad has a girlfriend, she'll be there on Friday when you go over, I'll see you after work' That should cover it.

solidgoldbrass · 20/03/2012 16:21

You are separated so it is up to him if he chooses to have a new partner. Unless there's a lot you haven't said, you are sounding like the unreasonable one. Now would be a good time to start focussing on your own life, on building a social life - given that your XP at least seems to be taking an active interest in the children and on building a relationship with them, you can start socialising as well. Don't olet yourself turn into one of those martyr women who sits at home blubbing because she's single, when an XP who is a decent parent means you have the opportunity to enjoy childfree time knowing that your DC are in the safe hands of someone who loves them.

WinkyWinkola · 20/03/2012 16:25

Actually, I agree. I too think it's kind of soon to start introducing new partners to the children.

Unfortunately op, you have no say in this matter if your ex wants to introduce his new gf to his daughters.

I think it will end in tears and confusion for your dds but that is where you will have to pick up the pieces and keep things stable. It's very hard for you but you can't make other people do as you would do.

HoudiniHissy · 20/03/2012 16:42

Op, do I know you? On twitter?

How long has he been seeing her if you've only been apart since Dec? Imho, he should wait at least 6m to introduce a gf to the DC, if nothing else than to prevent a line of gf being introduced, and the resultant impression of women as a commodity. For a gf to be introduced to his girls, they have to know she's special. It's only a night or so for a couple of months.

The GF has to understand his kids come first. He has to put them first.

Dworkin · 20/03/2012 16:43

What age are your children? I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I would not be comfortable with this. I've seen girlfriends behaving like a substitute mother to the children and so much so in one case that the child even called me her name! I'm just a friend of his mum's.

It's very distressing for you especially as you're finally getting back into the workplace and getting some financial independence. However, in the passage of time and as your working hours grow, you will hopefully meet someone and then gently introduce them to the children. See how he likes it when a substitute 'dad' comes along!

I wish you well in your new job, and please don't let this affect your performance. Oh and if the children start to tell you about what they did, tell them that their time with their father and his new girlfriend is none of your business. It's better that you don't know.

One more thing. If one of your children doesn't want to go, then have a chat with your ex and see if he can compromise for the sake of the child's happiness. Being forced to do something you don't want to is an intellectual way of saying "all that child needs is a slap".

undermyskin · 20/03/2012 16:54

It is all very easy to say that your exP is being very reasonable (and it is good that he has given you prior notification) and as you are now separated you no longer have a say in his life, but you will probably still be grieving the loss of your family unit. Nothing brings this home more than your DC being introduced to exPs new girlfriend.

I am afraid that you will just have to accept that it is going to happen at some time and your exP has decided it will be Friday and is not making a great deal of it (he could as easily just said he could not cover for you re the DCs). You will probably be surprised and the DC will take the lead from their father and similarly not make a great deal of this.

Ratbagcatbag · 20/03/2012 16:54

Ok at the risk of being lynched, my DH spilt with his then partner and mother of his son. They sold the house and she moved out on the sat and he was going on the following sat. The same day his "now ex" partner moved out, a bloke she had been seeing who lived local moved in with her and the following sat I moved in with him! Holding hands up in defense here and saying that it wasn't right what we did, BUT my DSS is now 13 and more than happy - if anything he was fine with it all, but mum and dad did explain that no matter who mum and dad lived with, they would never be mum and dad, IYSWIM. It all worked out fine for us honestly.
Be positive she may be a fab influence.

Original poster
tryingtobecoolandtough · 20/03/2012 17:12

HoudiniHissy i'm fairly sure you do, don't out me, there's a love xx

There is a massive back story, I've posted some of it on here. He is incredibly selfish, one of the (many) reasons we split up.

My girls are 10 and 7.

We agreed that it wouldn't be fair to introduce massive changes for a while,as they have had such a lot go on in the last couple of years. This feels like a massive change.

He cant have been seeing her more than 8 weeks. I still think its too soon.

As you've all pointed out. I have no choice. So may as well just leave it now.

I'm afraid I am very much at point of not wanting another woman looking after my girls. It actually makes me feel sick. Sure I'll get over it.

Thanks for posting.

OP posts:
Happylander · 20/03/2012 17:23

I am with you about partners being introduced too soon for children to cope with. However, while we may know this and care about our kids emotional welfare those in the throws of love don't give a toss about anyone else's feelings but their own.

I like you have said it is too soon but know I will get ignored and that DS will no doubt have a to deal with a new person in his life every couple of years if my Ex track record is any thing to go by. Just be strong for your girls and consistent and don't let them see how much it sickens you.

I can't stand the thought of OW touching my child, I really can't so I know how you feel. All I hope for is that she is lovely to him.

Feel free to rant about how you feel as you are entitled to express your feelings but don't do it to him just save it for the internet Grin

Smum99 · 20/03/2012 17:34

I do wish there were guidelines for separated parents as this issue of "how long" always comes up. There are guideline on what kids can eat (5 a day) but nothing on how parents should behave in the event of a separation which iI think is more important. Vent over...

I think you have to go with it - the new partner will not be raising your kids, have that clear in your mind and it will help. She is just another person in their life, like a teacher. Maybe they will grow fond of each other, maybe she will be around for a long time but at this stage just treat it lightly and the girls will be fine. DC's just want to know that both parents love them and most of all they want co-operative parents. A childhood of separated parents they can get over, a childhood of fighting parents they can't.

HoudiniHissy · 20/03/2012 17:43

Op, you know where I am love, DM me anytime? I mean that! Tad broke atm, but will be better soon, so may be up for a visit...

You want me to withdraw my post(s)?

Original poster
tryingtobecoolandtough · 20/03/2012 19:21

I'm glad to see that somebody agrees with me, and I am not a total witch. I have tried very hard to be reasonable (in the face of some incredibly awkward behavior)

As for being grateful to him that he is "facilitating me to work" what I have actually asked for was 4 hrs a fortnight in addition to our arrangement, the arrangement he wanted. Bearing in mind he was travelling for 10 days last month, 5 days this and god knows what in the future, which I have happily and graciously facilitated.

In addition to that I "facilitated him to work" as much as he bloody wanted (a lot) by being a stay at home mum to his kids from his first marriage and our own for 13 yrs, not to mention dragged the family halfway around the bloody planet and back to "facilitate his work", only to be told repeatedly and regularly that I was a "parasite" and a "lazy bitch" among other choice names... Forgive me if I'm not wearing my most grateful face for my four hours a fortnight.

OP posts:
upahill · 20/03/2012 19:23

OK so you have done a drip feed on us.

We can only comment on what you post on this thread.
We can't read everyone's back story and have to take things at face value going off your post.

Original poster
tryingtobecoolandtough · 20/03/2012 19:25

I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to. When I first posted I was v upset and emotional, now I'm just cross.

I apologise for drip feeding. If I gave the whole story no one would have ever got to the end of the OP though. Sorry.

OP posts:
curiositykitten · 20/03/2012 19:29

I'm not quite sure why they will have to meet her? Can't he stand the thought of being away from her for those four extra hours a fortnight?

Original poster
tryingtobecoolandtough · 20/03/2012 19:32

Apparently not.

What it is really is making sure I'm to blame for it. It's his classic Teflon behavior. I should be used to it really.

OP posts:
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