I'm so scared of losing him

[ToiletSeatPube]

I'm a long term lurker and could really do with some advice because I'm frightened to death I'm going to lose my fiancée. I don't expect sympathy, not why I'm here. I know this whole thing is my fault but I desperately want to put it right.
He found out 2 weeks ago that I slept with someone else on new years eve. I had wanted to tell him ever since, there was nothing going on before and nothing since but I have been blackmailed by the guy since and I've just been in a world of my own wondering what to do. We started arguining (dp and I) and he asked me outright if I'd "fucked" someone else so I think other guy must have told him. I said I had and he hit me and started screaming and shouting at me and then left saying he was scared he would kill me if he stayed.
He came back early hours of the morning and we didn't speak until the next day and he saw the mark on my face and he cried and said he was sorry and he'd never meant to hit me and he was obsessing over it all day. I told him about the blackmailing and why I'd slept with him in the first place and basically we just stopped talking about it and carried on as if nothing had happened.
But its not the same, we have not slept together since, he wont come near me and all talk of marriage has stopped. He is so distant and I've tried to bring it up and ask him what he wants me to do and he says he doesn't want to talk about it.
Do I force the issue or will that drive him away even more? I need to save this/

Im not sure you should try and save it.

He hit you. He fucking well hit you!

That is your main concern,yes you were wrong but he was more so.

why are you scared of losing someone who will hit you?

what on earth did you sleep with someone else for if you love your fiancé?

I think youre screwed and I doubt there is anything you can do about it now.

I don't think it's worth saving - he's violent and you're a cheat. Can't see how that can ever be anything better than a bad episode of Jeremy Kyle.

Okay, I am going to give an alternative opinion to the majority I expect.

A one off, isolated, episode of violence is NOT okay, but it is also not necessarily the start of more, nor completely unexpected in the circumstances. People lash out when in severe mental pain. Finding out your partner slept with someone else is about as severe as it can get, and I doubt there are many of us here who, on hearing that, would not be tempted to react without thinking, and lash out in temper.

OP, your fiance sounds utterly remorseful about hitting you, so I suspect that it is not something he has ever done before, or is likely to do again, but the trust in you has gone, and that is something that is very very difficult to rebuild.

You have to talk to each other. He has to talk to you, even though it is going to be painful for him to hear and which is why he is shutting it away at the moment.

What made you sleep with someone else? Is it someone who is likely to be a person that you bump into all the time.. in which case that will make it all the more difficult for you to repair your relationship.

People are not perfect, sometimes we make huuuuuge mistakes. It can be salvaged, but it takes a long time, and neither of you can pretend it never happened, or turn back the clock.

What you can do is talk, and if you decide to try again, you have to promise that a line is drawn under this, and it is not something that gets thrown back in every future argument.

Squeakytoy talks a lot of sense, OP. People make mistakes, we're only human.

I agree with squeaky in that albeit violence is always unacceptable, there are certain circumstances where, while not condoning the act, lashing out can be understood and seen for the isolated incident it is.

The danger, however, is that once the moral brake has been released, it may not remain a one-off caused by a temporary aberration and could become a habit.

Why did you not spend New Year's Eve with your fiance and what led you to have sex with another man?

As far as forgetting infidelity goes, you picked one of the worst nights of the year to get off with another man as your fiance won't be able to help being reminded of your unfaithfulness every time the event rolls around.

You've said that the other man has been 'blackmailing' you. Has he been trying to extort money from you or persuade you to have sex with him again?

I'm not surprised that your fiance 'hasn't come near' you. You've destroyed his trust and faith in you and he is most probably devasted by your duplicity.

The least you can do is get yourself tested for stis and give him a copy of the results.

As for saving this relationship, only time will tell if your fiance can find it in himself to start over.

I would suggest that you would both benefit from a break as if you had sincerely loved and respected him, you wouldn't have betrayed him and it could be that your feelings for him are not as deep as you may believe them to be.

i think id rather be hit than cheated on, so there is no moral high ground there to be had at all

neither is acceptable in a relationship

I think/know I'd rather be cheated on than hit! I cannot believe anyone would rather be hit. I can only assume they have never lived in an environment where DV is the norm.

Hitting is never ok.

Face it, you have bad taste in men. You sleep with one that subsequently blackmails you. You are engaged to another that slaps you around and feels murderous when upset. The marriage is clearly off, the relationship is clearly over and I think you should take a step back and stay away from dating for a while until you work out why you keep choosing to waste your affection on such horrible men.

I agree with cogitoergosometimes. You need to take a step back and work out what is going on in your own life that you are choosing not very nice men. As for your relationship, I don't think there is anything to save. I'm fairly certain it could limp along with some semblance of a relationship and you could fool each other that you were happy and had got over it, but always you would be waiting for the next slap and he would be waiting for your next episode of infidelity.

Sometimes it's best to walk away.

What Cogito said. (as usual.)

You don't "need to save this" relationship, OP.

You do need to save yourself. Take a break from men and find out why you have such a low opinion of yourself that you are desperate to please a man who hit you.

How old are you? You sound very alone and scared, do you have family or any good friends?

He hit you. Leave. Fucking leave.

He will hit you again, and his apology will be laced with 'Well, you DID cheat on me...'

Don't let him have that power over you. You owe him nothing.

He hit you and threatened to kill you.

Be thankful he showed his true colours before marriage!

It broke my heart to leave a man who also in a fit of temper told me he would kill me (he had never laid a hand on me). The thought of that looming over me in the relationship was just not worth it in the long run. Once they've showed that side of themselves you find yourself walking on egg shells.

I'd been in a relationship before with DV, so it was a huge red flag.

My GF hit me once so I hit her back. Does that make our relationship a screwed up mess where we're going to spend the rest of our lives hating each other, or was it an isolated incident based on exceptional circumstances?

I think the relationship was over when you slept with the other man. Your fiance shouldn't have behaved the way he did when he found out, but everyone's human. You definitely shouldn't leave him because you think he's physically abusive- he should leave you because you slept with someone else, but if what everyone's saying about him being physically abusive makes you want to break up with him then that's not bad thing IMO.

I also think you should involve the police since he blackmailed you, and now the truth's out you haven't got anything to lose, and you might stop him bullying another woman.

My GF hit me once so I hit her back. Does that make our relationship a screwed up mess

Yes.

Why are you worried about losing someone you cheated on?

"You definitely shouldn't leave him because you think he's physically abusive"

She doesn't think he is, she knows he is. Same as you are, unfortunately. You may have been able to get on with life after hitting your girlfriend and think nothing has changed, but don't be surprised if she, like me and the poster above, thinks you're a nasty little shit.

Infidelity and violence are both examples of bad behaviour. One does not justify or morally trump the other. Two wrongs don't make a right.

21YrOldMan

Yeah, it makes your relationship VERY screwed up and VERY messy. Jesus Christ.

And yeah, she should break up with him because he hit her. He should have broken up with her because she cheated, not responded by using violence ffs.

I'm inclined to say end it. I do also understand squeakys point people make mistakes sometimes.

Are you quite young? I feel like you have loads of time to find your prince charming.

I dont think there is any excuse for a anyone to hit eachother.Where do we draw the line here?Its ok as long as they are provoked in some wayThat is a dangerous road to travel.

You must have known you risked losing him when you shagged the other man.
He shouldn't have hit you, the other guy shouldn't have blackmailed you but you started the ball rolling on New Years Eve.
Cut your losses and walk away. It will never be the same again now.

He hit you, he was upset well he's going to be upset again and then what.....why if you love him would you cheat? I agree that mistakes can be made and people can be remorseful but I think you need to save yourself not this relationship. Can you ever see yourself not being afraid he would act that way again? Leave take time to look after yourself, to recover from all the emotions -if he is truly sorry and you truly just messed up then you could decide to try again once everything has calmed down.