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Relationships

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Original poster

dp confesses sex fetish

29 replies

transformation · 19/03/2012 19:53

A few weeks ago dp confessed that he has always had the fantasy of dressing up as a woman. His fantasy was to wear tights, underwear, dress, high heels and make up and then have sex. I would never have suspected dp of having this type of fantasy but really tried to hear him without judgement as I felt he'd really taken a risk in opening up about this to me.

I am the type of woman who really likes men to be men and dp fits this type by being well built and muscular and working in a very masculine type job. I wasn't sure how I felt but I thought about it for a few days and we spoke some more about it and any fears I had such as dp becomming obsessed or it taking over our sex life.

I forewarned dp that this was his fantasy and that while I would try to give him the space to experiment I wasn't sure would I find it a complete turn off. I agreed to help him search for shoes etc on the internet. While we were looking on the internet I noticed that dp was very excited but I still wasn't sure how I felt about it all.

The other night I decided to throw caution to the wind and I gave dp some of my underwear and suspenders to experiment with if he wanted. I went into the bathroom and when I came out he had them on but was under the covers in bed. He was very turned on and we ended up having great sex. I wasn't at all turned on by it but seeing him so turned on helped me to go along with it.

I'm not really sure what my question is but I am wondering if anyone else has any experience of this. I'm still not sure how I feel about it all but overall I think it's probably a bit harmless if I can overlook how ridiculous dp looks in female underwear. Anyway, for anyone with more experience is there anything I should be worried about with all this?

OP posts:

Goawaybob · 19/03/2012 19:57

I think you need to know if this is just a sexual fetish or a lifestyle thing for him - having a bit of fantasy in the bedroom is one thing and its probably as far as he wnts to go with it, but you need reassurance that he isnt going to want to take it further.

Seeing someone very aroused is arousing in itself and you obviously have a brilliant relationship if he can be open with you about his fantasies and involve you in them.

ParsleyTheLioness · 19/03/2012 20:16

Like Goaway said, depends on how much he wants to get into the whole lifestyle. If it is just an occasional thing, wouldn't bother me. I would expect to have more 'conventional' sex too, if that was more my thing.By occasional, mean once or twice or week (depending on frequency of marital relations I suppose).

TooEasilyTempted · 19/03/2012 20:28

I think you must have a fantastic relationship that your DH felt able to open up to you about this. Continue being as open and honest with each other about how you feel.

TooEasilyTempted · 19/03/2012 20:31

Clicker send too soon...

And as much as you indulge his fetish, equally he needs to respect and indulge your 'fetish' of sex when he's not wearing women's underwear if that's how you prefer it.

Original poster

transformation · 19/03/2012 21:09

Thanks for all your responses, I feel a lot more reassured about it all having read the above. We have discussed it quite a bit since he opened up and it's definately not a lifestyle thing. It is only something he wanted to try once but I think now that we have done it the once and it was okay for me that he might look to do it every now and then. Maintaining our 'normal' sex life is a priority for both of us though and dp did say that he equally gets as much pleasure from our 'normal' sex life and that this was more a fantasy that he always wanted to try out.

I do think we have a very good strong open relationship and this is why despite my own reservations I wanted to give dp the opportunity to try this out.

When I was reading up about this type of fetish last week I discovered that there is a link between this type of fetish and unresolved childhood trauma with the parent of the same sex. This would certainly be true in dp's case. When I read this it really helped me understand it more. It also helped to know dp has no interest in being a woman or experimenting with a man, so I am looking at this as being more of a harmless fetish.

OP posts:

conorsrockers · 19/03/2012 21:39

Just to echo Tempted. You are very lucky to have such a loving and open relationship, it's great that he could be open with you about this, and the fact that you listened without judging and 'indulged' his fantasies is truly admirable. I see it all as incredibly harmless - good luck to you both.

Goawaybob · 19/03/2012 22:02

so long as he doesn't stretch your bestest undies, its all good

blowcushion · 19/03/2012 22:03

OP For how long have you known each other and how did you meet?

JasperJohns · 19/03/2012 22:07

There is something wrong with me.

I just think 'ewwwwww!'. I simply could not have sex with my husband if he was wearing my underwear!

Original poster

transformation · 19/03/2012 22:40

Goawaybob I made sure not to give him my best

Blowcushion together two years and met through friends, not sure why this is relevant!!

JasperJohns I would have felt like you in the past but I have become surprisingly tolerant with age . I was also able to see that this is just a tiny part of dp and that no matter what he was wearing it was the same dp I love beneath. I actually feel we've become a lot closer since sharing this experience. I think dp also feels that he exposed himself fully and really appreciated how I was able to accept him, still love him the same and not judge him in anyway.

OP posts:

JasperJohns · 19/03/2012 22:57

Good for you, Transformation - I admire you.

blowcushion · 20/03/2012 00:20

Two years together and he has only just revealed this? Bit odd!

threeleftfeet · 20/03/2012 00:36

Why on earth is that odd blowcushion? It's hardly the kind of thing a man reveals on the first date.

I bet there are many men who have been with their partners for two decades or more who've never summoned up the courage to tell their OHs that this is what they want to do - let alone two years.

redwineandchocolate · 20/03/2012 00:42

OP, I really admire you for dealing with this so well. I hope I would do the same if my DP were to suddenly announce something like this. It's no wonder he's left it two years, it can take a long time for someone to feel able to share such 'controversial' fantasies with their partner. He must feel lucky to have a partner as understanding as you who hasn't rejected him for this. Good for you.

GothAnneGeddes · 20/03/2012 00:51

Good on you OP. He is indeed very lucky to have you.

ettiketti · 20/03/2012 03:46

Good for you! My DH opened up about something sexual he wanted to try at a similar stage in our relationship. I too had reservations, but gave it a go and its not a regular part of our sex life, but we still indulge every so often and part of the thrill for me is how turned on he is by it. thankfully he loves cunnilingus more than lots of things, lucky ole me

ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 20/03/2012 09:12

My DP has taken over a pair of my underwear, i bought them while I was pg, frilly sheer short type pants, to try and make me feel more sexy less whale like.

He wore them once as a joke, and to be honest he looks quite cute in them, he doesn't wear them normally, but occasionally will put them on (they are now streached well beyond my using them again) and it's all done in a very light hearted manner and a bit of fun to add to our sex life.

Original poster

transformation · 22/03/2012 11:58

Am back again, shameless bump to see if anyone else has had a similar experience. Dp has bought a wig, dress, high heels, tights & underwear. We are planning a night in a week or so time when he will dress up complete with make up.

We have talked a lot about this and I feel comfortable that it is just something he wants to try and that he has no interest in being a woman or letting it take over our 'normal' sex life. In one sense I feel very comfortable about it all as we have discussed it so much and I feel glad that our relationship is strong enough to hold this and that he was able to trust me enough to take the risk of opening up. In fact I feel it has brought us a lot closer and we have a whole new openess & honesty.

I am able to see this is just a tiny part of dp that he is giving expression to. In other words I don't feel this changes the man I love in that I can see he is the same person no matter what he wears. Not really sure why I'm posting again, just looking for more perspective I guess or stories from anyone who's dp has done similiar.

OP posts:

Abitwobblynow · 23/03/2012 08:07

Transformation you showed kindness, tact and acceptance. Lucky DP.

Here is a big Mumsnet round of applause for you.

Abitwobblynow · 23/03/2012 08:08

Yeah, I'd say that is unconditional love.

tadpoles · 23/03/2012 09:21

"exposed himself fully" - snigger - sorry but men dressed up as women I find hilarious. My problem.

I am just wondering where the OP is in all this? Behind all the PC self-righteous back-slapping of other posters, where exactly have the OP's wishes and desires gone?

To my mind, this post demonstrates something entirely non PC and very rigid and traditional and by so enthusiastically embracing the OPs 'tact and acceptance' some of the posters are actually demonstrating their own deeply rigid views about a woman's role in a relationship. That being - to service her man, come what may.

I can tell you one thing, if my partner dressed up in all that stuff my libido would run out the door. Equally, I think my partner would run a mile if I was hugly turned on by dressing up as a 'cliche' man - eg: the full macho works, whatever that is.

Call me old-fashioned, but I want my man to be excited when it's me wearing the suspenders and not the other way round.

However, each to their own.

tadpoles · 23/03/2012 09:28

"the fact that you listened without judging and 'indulged' his fantasies is truly admirable" - yes, it is the role of a good submissive woman to indulge in her parnter's fantasies even when they are not hers.

LittleAlbert · 23/03/2012 09:34

tadpoles - i think that's a rather extreme reading of the situation. He's not forced her to do anything.

"exposed himself fully" - snigger - sorry but men dressed up as women I find hilarious. My problem"

You see I think your view is more about your feelings above than about any feminist sensibilities you might have.

It's up to op to do as much as she is comfortable with - and if their relationship is as open as she says it then I am sure her needs will be met too, if not, then there is an issue which must be sorted out.

Helltotheno · 23/03/2012 10:14

It's a good thing for couples to be honest with each other BUT, since this guy has gone out and bought a full set of lady kit since their first encounter the previous week, I very much doubt it's going to be something that happens every now and then (in his view).

It wouldn't be my bag personally, particularly make-up. If it was my dh, I wouldn't love or respect him any less but sexy times would take a hit if I was expected to be on board with it. That's just me. As an action in itself, separate to me, I have no issue with it.

The worry I'd have for you OP, is that now it's out, and he's actually spent money (presumably your joint household money) on lady clothes, I imagine he'll be looking for this to be a regular part of your lives. Over time, this may not be something you're up for.

Original poster

transformation · 23/03/2012 13:24

Thanks for the further comments and perspectives on this. Tadpoles, he is still very much a man and finds it a huge turn on when I am dressed up in lingerie and suspenders or whatevere. He is still also very much a red blooded man who loves 'normal' sex and as I said does not want to become a woman. This is just a part of him and not the whole person but now that he's come out with it all it's obviously a big thing for now and he's keen to experiment as I have said I will try it out and see how I feel.

He bought all the stuff because he wants to do the full works once to fulfill his fantasy. He does not see this as something he will want to do regularly or continue with once he has carried out his fantasy. I am a bit doubtful on this front and think he might enjoy it so much it might be something that he does every now and then.

We have agreed that if it takes over or if I am in any way uncomfortable he will drop the whole thing. His priority is our relationship and if anything goes wrong he has agreed to go to counselling to address the issue rather than let it contaminate our relationship. He very much is taking my desires into consideration and will only go as far as I am comfortable with. Equally he makes sure to look after all of my sexual needs so I am in no way the submissive wife.

The joint money being spent is not an issue as I equally spend plenty of joint money on spur of the moment or impulse purchases. Obviously I have some fears that this could all go horribly wrong i.e. that he could become obsessed or it could take over but for the most part I think this is outside of my control and I can only deal with things as and when they arise.

OP posts:

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