am I wrong?

[liverLadyLass]

i was getting my ds ready for school and I shouted up to him to hurry up as he was going to be late, my DH reply was, don't shout ? I'd said I was only shouting on him to hurry up? he'd said but the neighbours will hear you! and he feels that there is no decorum in that?? ‘I only shouted up the stairs to hurry him up' if I don't he'll still be upstairs,, he said his mum would do this when they were kids then say if the neighbours had heard,,? he is constantly correcting me and I feel he undermines me all the time and when I try to talk to him about it he gets defensive and inpatient with me, Almost like how dare I question him,,
he was ironing his trousers, and I'm standing In the kitchen, he burns himself gets all agitated and tense and tells me, I know its not your fault but can you not stand here??? I was a foot away from him,
I'd said to him I feel like my anxiety has alot to do with his behaviour, eg I've always been worried about what people thought about me,I never used to,
am I wrong,? is this normal behaviour

He sounds like a whining arse

God help him if he lived next door to me, I shout from my bed for my teenagers to get up and bugger off to school

his behavour is not normal. why does he care that the neighbours heard you telling ds to hurry up? children need to be chivvied along sometimes. it is nothing to be embarassed about having to shout up to them. what is he worried about?

his not asking you to stand in the kitchen? i dont understand that. the only way i can interpret that is that he knew he was being a dick to you and wanted to not to be present reminding him of it?

Keep shouting in this house to be overheard above the total chaos occuring either side of us. Do you know your neighbours?

I sense a very fragile ego here. egg shell thin.
I remeber someone refereing to Rose Fiztgerald (mum to JFK) as orange box irish. in that there were lace curtains on the windows but no furniture aside from orange boxes to sit on.
Keeping up appearance is very hard on the soul

I'll be honest and say that when I get really stressed about something (cooking going wrong, breaking something) sometimes I do ask my partner to just go and be somewhere else so I can get it together. I know when I'm doing it that it's unfair though, and I only do it occasionally. It's not nice for the other person because it does feel like they're being blamed.

He sounds like he cares way too much what people think, and has done it enough to make you the same way. That isn't right. It can be exhausting being around someone who gets so worked up about the things you describe. And the correcting thing would get right on my nerves.

It's called being too close to someone. Taking them for granted. Making big behavioural problems out of tiny bad habits. Finding normal things (like standing in a kitchen) irritating. Happens to people in long-term relationships. Happens to best friends thrown together for long periods.

Do you ever spend time apart or do you live in each other's pockets?

Was he told off a lot as a child? It seems like his first instinct is to blame others for stuff.

I have been in a very long term relationship

I don't treat my partner like this, nor would I accept it as something that just happens after X number of years

Quite right AF. Not saying it's inevitable but being snippy with each other is a very common feature of a lot of long-term relationships.

I shouted from the bottom of the stairs,
i don't understand why it bothers him? I'd said it's as if he's embarrassed of my shouting up to our ds, he'd said it's not that it's just having a bit of decorum
I'd explained that I wasn't worried what the neighbours thought, he'd said ‘I know you don't care what the neighbours think' sarcastically,, I'd said that I'm trying not to worry what people think of me anymore, if they don't like me they can look the other way, that's what my therapist told me, so how can it be wrong?
I can see him bubbling inside like he's trying to keep his anger under control,,
I think he's always been like that but I've never questioned it till know,
I fear he's controlling, and constantly corrects me,
it's getting worse lately almost every day,
if I ask him to do something he makes out like I'm telling him? yesterday we got bk from the caravan, and I needed to get the kids stuff for school from asda, so I'd said that I'd leave the kids with him at his mums whilst he visited her and I'll get what we needed from asda, my ds was playing on his bike outside, my son didn't want to go anywhere, I'd said to our ds that I have to get this stuff or he'd have no packed lunch for school, and my DH said to me why won't you just let him play out, I mean that's why we moved here so he could play out, right in front of my ds,, I felt he was out of order but he made out I was?

Yes, it's common and it's crap

it should be stamped upon if one partner makes it a dominant feature of the relationship, or you end up feeling like the OP...

Blimey. It doesn't sound like he likes or respects you very much. From what you've said it's as if he just instantly switches to annoyed and irritated at you, like you're a frustration he has to deal with. You should not be treated this way. You do not deserve to be constantly corrected and told off while he gets annoyed when you question him. He is not automatically right even if he thinks he is.

What worries me is that you say it's always been there and that it's getting worse and worse. It makes it seem like he has less and less self-restraint when it comes to treating you this way.

He is controlling. This is how emotional abuse starts unfortunately. Starts with low-level nit-picking, criticism and undermining decisions. Progresses to making fun of your choices, ambitions, friends, clothing. If you're not careful it ends up as actual bullying, controlling you by smashing your confidence. They rarely get violent but they keep you on eggshells... nicely subdued and worried about their reaction. It's a subtle process and the only way to stop it escalating is to be assertive and stand up for yourself. Next time you're being 'corrected' tell him it's not acceptable. If he's got some kind of problem he's struggling with he should explain it rather than make your life a misery.

I think you have got some different expectations of how to bring up your childrenrun your house/live together.

It sounds constant and very draining. I think you should sit down together and try and make some compromises by talking honestly and LISTENING to one another as well. That's your best chance otherwise you're going to drive each other barking

Good luck!

his mum n him didn't get on when he was younger, always arguing, but they are so alike, he gets annoyed when I say this, I worry he tries to make sure that everything I am as a person he makes sure I'm not remotely anything like his mum eg, lazy!
and keeping appearances makes sense to,
he likes to come home and not have to do anything bar relax afterwork as it's mentally tiring, and tells me that it should all be done during the day, then in another breath says that he doesn't expect the house to be gleaming when he comes in?
I do feel exhausted with him,
I feel it's getting more harder to talk to him about him! he gets very defensive,,

the frustration thing makes sense to me,
I can go moths without even bothering about sex, and I have my reasons for it, he says he understands, and that if he has a go at me every know and then, I should understand as he's frustrated,,

I worry it's gone by that, cog' and I'm just getting my confidence back little by little but I do still have moments of anxiety attacks,, I'm getting better, slowly but surely,, but the sex part isn't, and I've tried to convince him that we should maybe benefit from couples therapy he just won't entertain it or brushes it off,,

Hmm. It sounds as though he is able to see his own behaviour to some degree and take responsibility for it, but also has certain expectations of you, that you might find hard to accept or live up to and in that instance he has to be made aware that he cannot control you, and that does not mean you are going to turn into his mother.

It sounds like his problems are centred around years spent being upset by her behaviour, which he has never got over and is really scared that you will turn into her and make him feel the way she did.

This is really common but he has to know he cannot change the past, and that he needs to focus on you as a team and talk honestly across a table perhaps about what he needs from you, and what you need from him and whether you are realistically able to meet each other's wants in that respect.

I hope you can get him to sit down with you and figure it out.

decorum??
Are you living in the 50s?
Doesn't every mother shout at her kids in the morning? I sound like a fishwife some mornings but my dc would never get to school if I asked them politely 'with decorum'
It sounds like he is trying to knock your confidence and make you feel inadequate - and succeeding too

I agree with lolaflares - your DH has a very fragile ego stemming from insecurity. Also agree with JaneB.

The way we were parented as children has a huge bearing on the sort of adult we become. I don't think it's so much that he's scared you will turn into her, but his poor r/ship with his mother in childhood will have left him with issues that he suffered for as a child (like the shouting so the neighbour can hear)and will surface again when the same thing happens. Almost certainly he won't be conscious of this and they will be unconscious(in the sense that he is not linking up the feelings he felt in childhood (related to his mother's shouting) and your just shouting up the stairs.

In a r/ship both partners "bring" into the relationship issues from the past, especially the way they were parented (again these are not conscious) issues. He will get defensive when you try to discuss them because he may then be reminded that he is more like his mother than he wants to be - in fact he could become really angry as he sees history repeating itself, and he probably doesn't know how to stop it.

I have been with my DP for 40 years and I could see many traits in him that were very like his father, who was controlling and domineering. It wasn't that he was like this with me, but I always knew he was desperately insecure because of the way he was parented by his father. His mother was quite a kind woman but couldn't stand up to his father. To make matters worse my DP had always put his father "on a pedestal" although as his father got old and lost his independence he was horrendous and my DP "saw" for the first time what his behaviour was like. It doesn't help that my DP looks exactly like his father and has the same mannerisms!

My DP was always fussy about "sets" of things, cutlery, plates,bowls and if an item was lost he would cause a great fuss. He told me once that when he was a kid, they always had odds and ends of these sorts of things and he made up his mind that he would have "sets" of everything. He's still like it a bit and buys sets of cutlery and a dinner service that we don't want or need!

In the end about 10 years ago I just felt I had had enough - our kids had left home and I wanted out. However he did have some very nice characteristics. In the end I issued an ultimatum - we went to therapy or I would leave and he grudgingly agreed. We had 18 months of therapy and the therpapist was able to help him to understand how childhood issues were still affecting him. She used to talk about the "there and then" (what happened in childhood) and the "here and now" He always said he couldn't remember his father being controlling but the therapist said this was not surprising because as children we just accept whatever is going on. It is only by looking at the adult's behaviour that we can trace back to how they might have been parente and their behaviour in the present is an echo of the past.

My DP's father was very very mean and many rows have been caused by my DP's worry that he is the same as his father. He can become very angry and irrational at times, almost like a 3 yr old in a rage!

Anyway the therapy really improved our relationship. I am not saying it is perfect (cus nothing ever is) but at least it has helped me to have more understanding of the cause or trigger for some of his behaviours.

I am not trying to excuse your DP and I can tell how hurt you are by his behaviour. I suspect his mother used to "stand over him" when he was doing something, even ironing. He won't accept any of this if you try to talk to him about it, because it is entrenched behaviour "the sins of the father (but inthis case mother visited on the sons" - not sure who said it but it is certainly true.

SO I don't think it is a case of you being in the "wrong" - and I have to say that unless he will agree to therapy (you need a psycho dynamic therapist whi will delve into your backgrounds) his fundamental insecurity will mean the r/ship will probably go from bad to worse.

If I am reading you right his behaviour is causing you to be anxious of what others feel about you. His behaviour is NOT your problem, it's his, but it becomes your problem because of the way he is blaming you for whatseem like trivial things.

Issue with an ultimatum - best thing I ever did! Sorry for long post.

I can relate to that very much, he's in denial that anything is Wrong with him, he also started taking my medication for anxiety which I'd told my therapist I was worried as he wouldn't listen to me, I ended up not taking them to contribute to what he was taking, it ended up my therapist told him to stop as he was making me worse than better,
and know he's taking co-codamol for sore heads which I feel he's know addicted to, and occasionally has a diazepam to calm his nerves and I get so angry towards his mum as she's the one who gives him them and I feel that his headaches are down to him having his mums un subscribed meds,
she's got boxes of drugs she doesn't even use,, but keeps them? I feel she's got him addicted to prescribed meds, and I've told her not to give him them as it's making him unwell and she still does but then makes out like she's only given him what I just saw,, he'll not listen with the meds either as he says if he doesn't take them he'll not get through the day, it's like let's pretend it's not happening kind of thing,,
he does make me feel very un confident, I feel he doesn't realise they way he makes me feel sometimes, it's always a competition on how much he's done today and how much I could of done,
but if I say anything it's, for god sake can't you take a joke,
he's very clever the way he says things, I feel he's very manipulating and patronising , and his mum is that way to,
I do fear I'm getting unwell again because of him and his problems and I feel they are what triggered it all of in the beginning,
he tells me he's sick of the way I carry on? but can't explain it,? and then in the next breath he says the only bad habit I have is I may talk over him sometimes?
I don't have anyone I can confide in either,
I'm worried if I did give him an ultimatum

LLL, I believe if you got away from this man and his weird mother your mental health would improve dramatically

I don't want to leave my DH, I love him but don't like him very much sometimes,

oh well

you can't change him, he has to want to change

otherwise, you will still be here in 10 years time, except a little more beaten down

I too am worried about your mental health LLL especially as you say it is your DH wh has caused your anxiety. What exactly are you taking - and if it is diazepam what dosage is it. I asked because as you probably know it is a major transquilliser and can become addictive and you need more and more of it. There was a major scandal about this some years ago because GPs were just upping the dose and woman (as it was mostly prescribed to women) were living their lives like zombies. It stopped the anxiety but it also stopped all other emotions.

It is very easy to become dependent upon codeine. There is a difference between addiction and dependency. Addiction is when you want more and more (as in drugs ike heroin) and dependency means you need to take it frequently.

It certainly sounds like he is also suffering from anxiety and this may well be related to his past. It also sounds like he is under his mother's influence, by taking prescribed meds from her.

How long have you been together and has it always been like this or have things got worse. How old are your children? Do you work outside of the home and what is his job. Sorry to ask so many questions, just tryng to get a better picture.

Sadly I think Anyfucker is probably right. If you can't issue an ultimatuum then can you tell him how important it is to seek counselling for both of you as you are both suffering from anxiety, and your relationship difficulties will come out in the therapy.
,

I know anyf, he had said to me that he was going to go and speak to the doctor but not about his behaviour or his meds, it was because he's very nervous like his mum,
I'm so annoyed that he still listens to her, as his health is deterating mentally and physically, he's not working late tonight so hopefully if he's not to tired I will talk to him, he's also stressed over his business, but does not listen to advice I give him, which always turns out right in the end, every time I mention his behaviour he then ends it with a ‘but you' like a child..