am I wrong?

[liverLadyLass]

i was getting my ds ready for school and I shouted up to him to hurry up as he was going to be late, my DH reply was, don't shout ? I'd said I was only shouting on him to hurry up? he'd said but the neighbours will hear you! and he feels that there is no decorum in that?? ‘I only shouted up the stairs to hurry him up' if I don't he'll still be upstairs,, he said his mum would do this when they were kids then say if the neighbours had heard,,? he is constantly correcting me and I feel he undermines me all the time and when I try to talk to him about it he gets defensive and inpatient with me, Almost like how dare I question him,,
he was ironing his trousers, and I'm standing In the kitchen, he burns himself gets all agitated and tense and tells me, I know its not your fault but can you not stand here??? I was a foot away from him,
I'd said to him I feel like my anxiety has alot to do with his behaviour, eg I've always been worried about what people thought about me,I never used to,
am I wrong,? is this normal behaviour

nana, my kids are three and eight and very demanding sometime ,
we've been together for ten years and married eight,,
my DH has his own business,which is giving him alot of stress, and I look after the children and home, and everything that goes with it,
I'm going bk to work when dd goes to school, as I'll be working for buttons whilst paying for childcare,
I don't take the diazepam, I've never taken them, I take an antidepressant called cipralex, and I am on only 10mg,,
it's my mil who has them, she's constantly ill with something, pretends more like! there's not a week were she's not found something wrong with her,
mil is very nice to everyone but very bitter,
if there is something wrong with you she's helpful,
they take the kids once every two weeks so we can have a break which Is good,
my DH has a self defence class once a week, and I look after the family but today I did something for me,, I went swimming whilst the kids were at school or nursery,, I fully enjoyed it but felt very scared I don't know why? but I really enjoyed it
DH has started to help with the kids which is good,, as he was always tired when he came home and I did all the cooking washing homework cleaning up bedtimes etc, whilst he sat downstairs as I was made to feel by him which he'll never admit, that I was wrong to ask him as he worked full time, he just wanted to come home n do nothing basically, but he's starting to help out like playing with the kids when he comes home, he'll help clear up or take the bin our etc,, so small steps but better than nothing..
I fear your both right tho, I do need to sit and make him see how it is affecting us all,, ive tried it before only for him to say ok and I'll make an appointment but it never gets done...
he is a good man, he works hard for his family, and we want for nothing and even that's hard to come by in a bloke these days,, but it is also him that tells me this leaving me feel guilty...
sorry lady's a bit long x

sorry if I'm not making much sense, I'm wond up a little my ds has been a bugger since I got him from school, he just looks for an argument from me all the time, it's tiring, he is also a terrible eater and that's a fight every night just to make him eat but I'm getting there with that to, small steps but progress...

LLL, you have an awful lot going on in your life

you sound exhausted, and confused

have you anyone to confide in, in RL ?

would you consider asking for some counselling to help you gain some strength on your own account...your experience at swimming today sounds like you are crying out for some time to simply be you and talk about the things that are weighing heavily on your mind x

It sounds quite worrying, what you are saying about him taking his mother's meds. I know having a business is very stressful, but this is 'putting out fire with gasoline'.

BTW both mine were picky eaters, I made sure they had weetabix or cooked breakfast, and supper of rice pud, and tried not to worry if they didn't eat much at meals, and they could always have bread and butter and peanut butter or something like that instead. All the books say they won't starve themselves, tho it can be hard to believe sometimes. Every so often they would go into eating overdrive though, and have a couple of 'hollow leg' days.

That's an interesting post from Anyfucker - did you find it helpful LLL. I was interested that you felt a bit scared when you were swimming. Was that because of general anxiety about being in the water, or maybe because you were doing something for yourself and were worried whether your DH would be annoyed. Sorry if I am on the wrong track.

Maybe you need to think about your own parenting and hence what you "brought" to the marriage and how that may be clashing with what your DH "brought" - could you maybe start a conversation about what memories you have of your childhood, and what your parents were like when you were a kid, and perhaps he will open up about his past. I still think the things he gets on to you about are triggers that remind him of being a child and possibly being scared or wary or embarrassed or whatever. They won't be conscious thoughts, as you have to learn (with the help of a therapist) how to have some understanding of how your past is affecting the adult you have become, and that goes for both of you of course.

The other thing is that you need to understand is that A cannot change B's behaviour, but A can change her behaviour towards B, which will bring about change. I'm not saying this is always change for the better but the dynamic between couples become set as in concrete, and if you change the way you behave it will alter the dynamic. It doesn't need to be anything huge and it's best to practice with small things first and notice the change.

To give you an example of what I mean, my DH hates losing things and in the past he would start a search around the house, and I would get anxious and join him in the search. Then I decided I would change my behaviour and next time he lost something (happens a lot) I just sat watching TV and didn't join in the search. He was confused; he kept coming in the room and saying "I've lost my torch" and I said "mmm" and carried on watching TV. It was quite amusing to see his confusion because I wasn't doing what I had always done. Don't forget IF you DO what you always DO, you will GET what you always GOT.......

You've been together for 10 years - has he always been like this or are things getting worse. Is the business stress making things worse, do you think.

Nina, my post was mainly prompted by something else that LLL posted today

if you are still around, love, or come back to this tomorrow, I am not going to link to it here, but you have such a lot going on in your head right now and I am sorry if my previous posts have come across as a bit simplistic about how you should simply change your situation

it is rarely as black and white as that, and I am very sorry x

As I have long admired AF's ability to cut through the crap give succinct responses which accurately reflect the reality of any given situation, I feel compelled to say that it very often is stark black and white but we choose to add the colour which blurs the lines.

I would suggest that you abandon any plans to emigrate until such time as you have resolved the problems in your relationship with your h, lLl and are reassured with regard to your physical health.

hi sorry ANYF: I've not posted bk for a while my last post on the ‘other' post kind of upset me for a while,, please don't be sorry you've nothing to be sorry for

I've also hid this from my thread so DH won't see it...

I was scared when swimming as I was on my own around people on my own, I'd of never done this before know.. went swimming without DH there with me,, I have anxiety problems, i find I freak out in public places, in social places also,, not because of DH, he was glad I'd gone and did it, he normally has to push me,,

we've done some talking and he did it again.. pretending that he has any problems and that it's all work related,,
he has a way of listening to you then instead of giving you an answer, he'll say, but you do this,, like a child,,
I finally told him that he does have a problem with prescription drugs, with stress, and problems with his behaviour that related to his mum, he disagreed with everything apart from the stress,
I've asked him to seek help from a therapist,I explained how talking could relieve stress and give him tools for life problems so that he won't be dependant on painkillers, it was long but he agreed to see one, he'd said that he doesn't know what to talk about, I'd explained that they have you talking about things you didn't even realise you knew were in your mind.. he even tried to make out that he was right of a therapist view at one stage which I pointed out and we had a giggle over,,
but yet still no appointment has been made to see the doctor,, I don't know if I should just make it myself and pretend it's for me and that i want him there?
I shouldn't have to tho,,
things have been better, even though the work isn't getting any better,
I've also went to see his mum and talk to her basically explaining that her son IS addicted to meds and that he's not going to see 40 if he doesn't slow down and stop taking them,
id also said that Ive given him an ultimatum regarding this,, I think I may have finally gotten her to listen and realise that she ain't helping him only making him worse, I'd explained everything he was taking on a daily basis, I think hes been lieing to her to, to be honest, she's promised she won't give him any more diazepam or co-codamols

I've told him he's to stop bailing people out of there problems also and making them his, I've told him he's to stop being a bank for all the family,
there's lots more but I won't go on,
I think he knows I'm right, but I think he hates it?
his brother had asked him for more money to cover his bills again and we can just about pay ours! his brothers behaviour really opened his eyes,, finally!!!!
it's always what can you give me and fuck off I'm to busy to help you.. kind of thing
I'm sorry I'm rambling!!
I was told tonight that my DH and ds don't like the new me,,
I told them that's just because I'm standing up for myself know and saying how I really feel, or not letting ds speak to me like dirt and letting him get away with it.. and it's a shock to them because they are not used to it.. DH agreed with me with that (of ds) but not with him?
my dd is sick just know so I've had time to think of everything and how it affects me,
sorry I'm ranting again I'm terrible explaining things...