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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally broken free

28 replies

Iceaddict · 18/03/2012 23:13

I have recently woken up and smelt the coffee, my partner and dcs father who is my first love and the only person I've ever really wanted to be with has emotionally and verbally abused me and generally treated me badly for so long. I feel like I've made the right decision to split but it hurts like hell, putting a few things in a bag for him to collect tomorrow actually physically hurts. I know I can't let this go on and it will never ever stop, I have given him so many chances. I need to be strong and try not to crack but it's the most hurt I've ever felt, I once loved him so much and it's gone. When will this start to get better?

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devonsmummy · 18/03/2012 23:21

Big hugs xxxx
I've also decided to split from my husband tonight.
Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

snoopdogg · 18/03/2012 23:22

It will take time. You need to acknowledge that the hurt is what might make you let him back in.

try to hold on to your sureness about the reasons for the split.

He will do everything he can to get back in and to groom you for further abuse.

this will not be easy, try to find a mantra like 'he's a cunt and I deserve more' Grin It will stand you in good stead.

Original poster
Iceaddict · 18/03/2012 23:24

Thank you, big hugs back x it feels so lonely I am a grown woman with children and I just want my mum, god how pathetic!

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Original poster
Iceaddict · 18/03/2012 23:26

I do deserve better and my kids deserve a happy mum it's just the transition period it's horrific felt so many emotions today

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MyLittleMiracle · 18/03/2012 23:27

It took me a lot of heart ache to let my husband go, but he was abusive in every way, including stabbing me. It hurts, but look at it this way, if you stay with him you will ALWAYS BE HURTING, might not be as intense hurt like you feel right not, but it will hurt, or you can get out now, and HURT, and then get over him and move on and be happy.

Some of this hurt is also that you have wasted x amount of time with this person adn they say you always love your first love, and i still do, to a degree.

It will get better, given time, you will start feeling stronger, i know i did, and with some encouragement went on dating sites, 5 months on, i have had one date, nothing really clicked, i am about to move into my own place, i have everything i could possibly need. I am getting a divorce going through mediation and guess what... I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

I am looking forward to a date in a couple of weeks time after i have moved and see where life leads but you know what, i am having FUN again, and no one is controlling me!

You will get through this, just be strong, cry it out, but stick with it. PM me if you fancy a chat!

devonsmummy · 18/03/2012 23:28

No it's not pathetic wanting your mum. I wish mine was in the same country as I could do with the support right nowSad

Gonna be a rough time but life can only get better xx

MyLittleMiracle · 18/03/2012 23:29

And in my moments of weakness i looked down at my leg and saw the scar, the tattoo on my back and my collar bone that never healed properly so is still visibly out of place. It gave me the strength to carry on.

Original poster
Iceaddict · 18/03/2012 23:30

Thank you so much. And good for you. Hearing that helps a lot

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Original poster
Iceaddict · 18/03/2012 23:32

My god it must have been terrifying. His angry face was scary enough for me

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UnhappyLizzie · 18/03/2012 23:33

Feel for you. I've been miserable for years and finally decided it was over 5 weeks ago. Kids seem OK, but it's horrible having to dismantle a shared life. We are still under the same roof because we have to sell the house. I keep wondering if I should just throw in the towel and stay...
Good luck with it all.

Original poster
Iceaddict · 18/03/2012 23:35

I'm lucky my mum is close I know, I just want to stop hurting now. The guilt of sending away my childrens father is just as bad

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Original poster
Iceaddict · 18/03/2012 23:38

I know I feel like that but we have to focus long term, I don't want to go another 20 years and regret not leaving him and reclaiming my life and happiness. Stay focussed other people do it and survive don't they

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MyLittleMiracle · 18/03/2012 23:54

Kids pick up on your saddness, my little boy aged 2 in june, seems so much happier and is running around full of energy and always smiling and happy. Honestly, do it now, while you can or he;ll always assume you will go back.

Good luck. And be strong. Honestly PM me if you need someone to hold your hand. It was only 5 months since i left my now ex, who i am divorcing, and i feel like a completely different person, i feel like i can and am ME again!

Urbandecayed81 · 18/03/2012 23:55

Be strong remember you will be happier in the long run *hugs

ThePinkPussycat · 19/03/2012 00:12

Hi, glad to have found your thread. You will be grieving for what you hoped your relationship would be, that is only natural. I found the pain comes and goes, comes and goes. Then the stress comes and goes, comes and goes. You have to kind of accept your process and let it happen, while holding fast to the decision you have made. [another hug]

MyLittleMiracle · 19/03/2012 09:50

(((hugs)))

It gets easier, believe me. I find life so much more enjoyable now and can do whatever i please, when i please (within reason, obviosuly no all night clubbing) but i can buy what clothes i like, i can wear what make up i want or dont want, i can do my hair however i want. Oh god just writing it makes me see now just how controlling he really was!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2012 09:55

Definitely takes time for it to get easier but it happens much quicker when you're the one taking the initiative rather than waiting for them to make a move. You'll cycle through periods of regret but, if you can keep reminding yourself why you've had to take action, those will get fewer and further between. Life's not a rehearsal. Don't waste it on things that make you miserable.

Good luck

foolonthehill · 19/03/2012 10:50

your DCs will have a happy mum who will show them how to treat others well, and how to expect respect and good treatment for themselves and herself...you will go through the sadness, anger, pain...but it will fade and you will heal and it will be BETTER.

sending (((hugs)))

Original poster
Iceaddict · 19/03/2012 14:04

just come back on here to all these brilliant supportive messages, thank you so much its good to know you're all here x :)

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HoudiniHissy · 19/03/2012 17:17

Well done!

You have done the kindest thing in the world for your DC and for yourself!

There are lots and lots and lots of us here that understand you and know the courage it has taken for you to get to this point.

You'll be needing support for a while, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1425123-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-abusive-relationships-number-7 is a great place to start...

also if you've not already read it... get yourself a copy of WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. It's awesome and will really help you understand the dynamic of what happened to you and that also none of it was YOUR doing.

tunaday · 19/03/2012 20:00

Huge admiration and hugs. I stuck out a lousy, emotionally and financially abusive relationship for 23 years. I wish I'd done it years earlier though but I didnt have either the courage and support. I expect you will still be feeling 'shell-shocked' about what you have just done and the enormity of it right now, but it will start to sink in and become more real and you will start to rebuild the life you want and deserve. Stick in there. I wish I'd known about MN when I left my h and hope the encouragement and support you get on here help you through.

wilkos · 19/03/2012 20:45

Hi, I finaly had my epiphany moment at the beginning of february and am now divorcing. I can honestly say that I am finally after 7 years and 2 DC's getting back to being me, just me. It feels amazing!

Unfortunately because of the DC's and their ages I am having to still see him and endure his emotional and mental torture, but now i have started the process it is so much easier to drown him out. I am so glad I am doing it now, he nearly drove me to a breakdown. He is an evil twisted and unhappy man, but he will soon no longer be my problem!

Wishing you every happiness xx

Original poster
Iceaddict · 20/03/2012 09:38

Thanks i saw that thread that's what made me realise what i was doing to myself staying with him.
May have to name change now as i went on here on the IPhone the other night, he has now taken it and looked in the history so I've had him slating me for talking about this. he has also removed me and all my family from his facebook, which I just thought was ridiculous!
He was sending me texts all night last night, I had been crying and missing the nice him, when he started texting, I'm glad he did he reminded me what I hate about him. I hope he continues to make it easier actually, if he starts to show me the nice him I'm in danger of crumbling.
kids are 2 and 4 so its going to be hard every weekend, which is the reason I have put it off I think. He is staying with his mum she hates me and I can't say I'm keen as she favours one of my children although they are both her grandchildren, makes me sick really, and he can do no wrong, if he had hit me she'd find a reason why it was my fault.

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Original poster
Iceaddict · 20/03/2012 09:39

Well done to those of you who have been there and done it, I'm wishing my life away to get there :)

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