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[BellaBoo85]

Ok so this may be a little long. I just need others' perspective on it.

Split up with exP about 5 maybe 6 weeks ago. We're still living in the same house (awkward) and there are 2 children involved. Dd1 is from a previous relationship and dd2 is exP's.
The house is his so obviously it's me and the girls who have to move. There are a few houses to rent around where I live. it's quite an expensive area to rent in but I don't want to have to move dd1 to a new school, take her away from her friends etc.

It was me who ended the relationship after months of no support or help from exP and tbh I've grown to resent him. A lot of the time I couldn't stand to be around him. And the mere thought of having to spend extra days with him (he had some time booked off work) sent me running for the nearest bridge.
So we've established the fact that I don't like him, never mind love him anymore so the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere.

Yesterday he dropped the bombshell on me that he doesn't want me to leave and he still loves me.
I'm thinking maybe the fact that I've stayed in the house for the last few weeks has given him some kind of false hope.
So now I'm completely confused. I know I still don't love him and I don't think that'll ever come back. Before the relationship was over, the last few months of it I was here for the girls sake not mine. I thought as long as they were happy then I could plod on being unhappy (unfortunately not)

I know I need to move, but how? I need a deposit and a months rent upfront never mind money for furniture etc. I'm on maternity leave so no chance of saving anything.

So do I stay here for the sake of the kids and because I can't afford to do anything else, making me even more unhappy in the process??
I'm already on medication for PND (of which the dose has just been increased) and I see a counsellor but I can't seem to make sense of anything. It's all just a big jumble in my head and I don't know where to start.

Thanks for reading if anyone has got this far and sorry it's long.

Did you feel like this before you had your DD2 and the PND was diagnosed? Do you think your negative feelings towards him could be the stresses of having a new baby, and/or the PND.
If not, is couples counselling an option at all?

No it's since having DD2. I've tried for months to work out if it's because of the PND or it's actually how I feel. It's maybe a bit of a mixture of the two.
After countless conversations and discussions about things nothing changed. Maybe I am horrible to live with, being like this, but the lack of support I guess just took it's toll. I was doing everything and had to be grateful for him washing the pots after tea. Once he clocked off from work the rest of his time was his own.

And I think maybe I'd want it to work for couples counselling to be of any benefit??

I would give it some more time, sounds to me like the PND talking

It may well be the PND, but that's no reason not to have couples counseling, might be worth a try. If not to improve your romantic feelings towards him to at least get some support

I agree. too soon to make drastic changes to your life. Give yourself time, when PND has lifted, see how you feel then.

Good luck

That's what I've been confused with. Was diagnosed with PND in July. Wasn't sure if it was the PND not helping the situation or the situation not helping the PND.
Been on medication a long time with little change so just don't know

Is he willing to help you more now though? If he isn't then I can't see that, PND or not, there is any more of a reason to stay.

No everything's the same as it's been for the last 8/9 months. So I honestly don't know.

I wouldn't make any big decisions until the PND is under better control, you say your medication has just been upped, maybe wait until you've finished session with the counsellor and you and the doctor are in agreement that this is the right dose/type of medication for you, and I say that as someone who experienced awful PND too. :) I hope things get better for you.

If he's not supporting you enough, could you write a list of what you want him to help out with, and discuss it with him, and see if he sticks to it?

My mother has such bad PND she developed anorexia and nearly died, so I agree with the others who say give it time and to try couples counselling.

Perhaps your partner has no idea how bad PND is and that he really needs to pull his weight around the house and with the DDs. The counselling might give him some perspective on how things are for you.

It might be the reaction to your relationships woes that is causing the depression, and you may have been misdiagnosed because of having given birth.

If he would pull his weight etc, then you might be able to tell the difference.

I understand 100% what you are all saying so thankyou. It's not the first time I've been told not to make any life changing decisions while I have this (don't want to turn it into a thread about PND) but it seems to be getting worse rather than better.
ExP spoke to my HV a few months ago about what he could do to help. He changed for about 2 days then it went back to normal. We've had numerous conversations about it and it doesn't make a difference. I feel like I nag about talk about the same things over and over again.

I'm not trying to disagree with anything any of you are saying because I really do value your opinions and it makes a lot of sense.
I just wish it was easier. I wish I was strong enough to be here and be normal for the girls. They're my priority and I don't want to mess up their lives like I seem to be
messing up my own.

Thankyou again

Oh and he won't go. It's not like I can expect him to with it being his house. But he already said I need to find somewhere else to live.

This is the Support thread for EA relnships, which you might find helpful? There are lots of good links in the top post, and a host of good people on the thread. He sounds like he fits the bill, to me, but you're the best judge of that.

Thankyou the link doesn't seem to work on my app. I'll try online instead.

It's fairly active atm so should show up on Relationships in the usual way.

I've found it now. Thankyou

I am wondering if, as you probably looked after your own dd on your own, he thought you would just continue but with 2, whereas you thought that he would take an active role once your DD was born.
If you are considering staying but not being 'together' maybe you could suggest that he has his allocated contact time where he takes total responsibility for his DD, as if you were living seperately. That way at least you are getting a break, and you may have a chance to see if things improve before you make a decision to move out. Its quite possible that the PND is linked with his total non commitment to the child and his new responsibilities. Its certainly not unheard of.

If you did end up splitting up, you'd be on your own with the children almost all the time with no support and help. That's what going it alone would mean.

IME, gratitude and appreciation goes much much further towards changing someone else's expectations about how much to help out, and what to do. You could try adding up each evening three things that your OH/stbx has done that day which would constitute "help" or "support". Anything: putting the bins out, doing the washing up, reading a child a good night story. These are all things he won't be doing at all if you move out.

So why not express gratitude? (and I'm sure relationships regulars will jump in to say "you shouldn't have to be grateful" but actually, in your position, perhaps you really should be, since you are contemplating choosing a life where such help and support wouldn't be forthcoming from anyone)

These situations can so easily get out of control - one partner does less to help with the functioning of the family than the other wants, and then the resentment builds and the nagging, and then the partner doesn't really want to help, because no-one wants to be nagged into assisting. And remember that he's a new dad, even though you aren't a new mum (at least, that's how it reads upthread) - you know better than anyone what an overwhelming life change that is. Because your first child is not his, you may well have been in a pattern where you take most of the responsibility for her. So he probably has no idea how to step up to take a full share in looking after the new child - that's not been established in your parenting pattern (but it can be).

There mightn't be anything useful for you here. I just would hate you to underestimate your own potential power in either killing or saving your relationship. It's going to be a huge amount of energy either way - but you get to choose how to use all that energy.

cross posted with nettletea

great minds think alike :)

Maybe you're right. But I don't like to have to nag either. Which is why, a lot of the time things get done because I do them. He's 30. I shouldn't have to say to him "will you lay the table for tea" it's the little things like that that really make me wonder who he thinks I am. I'm not here to run around after him, as well as the kids.

And tbh I am grateful if he say washes the pots after tea, because it means its one less thing for me to do before the kids need to go into the bath and be put to bed etc.

I'm not in any way getting at what you said, I need others opinions, that's why I posted here. But take today for instance, he got up, got ready for football and left the house at 9:15. I sorted the kids breakfast, got them dressed etc. He strolled in at 1:30 got in the shower, came downstairs and watched football for the afternoon. I entertained the kids. I cooked tea. He washed the pots. I've put the kids to bed and I'm about to sort school stuff etc out for tomorrow.
So I guess I can say today he's helped out once.

I think, amongst other things, having days/weeks/months like that is what's done it. No I'm not perfect. I've been told I'm not very nice to live with. But I'm finding it harder to keep things normal for the kids and I don't want it to have to be like that. I want to be happy but most of all I want them to be happy.
Hope this doesn't sound to ranty. It's not meant to

Yes I did look after dd1 on my own. I lived on my own with her for 3 1/2 years and I honestly found it a lot easier than I'm finding it now.

Oh god, he plays football at weekends. And then he watches it.

I take my last post back.

I have never understood how women whose husbands work full time and then hare off chasing a ball around a field all weekend (football or rugby in winter; cricket in the summer) cope. I just don't understand how that is sustainable post-children. I do know women who seem to live with it cheerfully, but their husbands pull their weight, in a somewhat shamefaced manner, once the football is finished for the day.

When I am prime minister, I will BAN amateur football for all fathers.

(((BellaBoo)))