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[BellaBoo85]

Ok so this may be a little long. I just need others' perspective on it.

Split up with exP about 5 maybe 6 weeks ago. We're still living in the same house (awkward) and there are 2 children involved. Dd1 is from a previous relationship and dd2 is exP's.
The house is his so obviously it's me and the girls who have to move. There are a few houses to rent around where I live. it's quite an expensive area to rent in but I don't want to have to move dd1 to a new school, take her away from her friends etc.

It was me who ended the relationship after months of no support or help from exP and tbh I've grown to resent him. A lot of the time I couldn't stand to be around him. And the mere thought of having to spend extra days with him (he had some time booked off work) sent me running for the nearest bridge.
So we've established the fact that I don't like him, never mind love him anymore so the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere.

Yesterday he dropped the bombshell on me that he doesn't want me to leave and he still loves me.
I'm thinking maybe the fact that I've stayed in the house for the last few weeks has given him some kind of false hope.
So now I'm completely confused. I know I still don't love him and I don't think that'll ever come back. Before the relationship was over, the last few months of it I was here for the girls sake not mine. I thought as long as they were happy then I could plod on being unhappy (unfortunately not)

I know I need to move, but how? I need a deposit and a months rent upfront never mind money for furniture etc. I'm on maternity leave so no chance of saving anything.

So do I stay here for the sake of the kids and because I can't afford to do anything else, making me even more unhappy in the process??
I'm already on medication for PND (of which the dose has just been increased) and I see a counsellor but I can't seem to make sense of anything. It's all just a big jumble in my head and I don't know where to start.

Thanks for reading if anyone has got this far and sorry it's long.

Haha
He's also booked Tuesday off work to go and play golf!!

Your PND will go when you've got rid of him. He's a lazy selfish prick and it's no wonder you are miserable.

An awful lot of PND would be better diagnosed as 'living with a crap man.'

Maybe if you are having counselling speak to your counsellor and or health visitor about it and they may be able to put you into contact with organisations that may be able to help you.

I know some people have said it may be the PND, talking, but in my case it was my now EXHusband who certainly wasnt helping the PND, and i feel so much better now that i am away from him!

I suffered terrible PND after my ds was born and was in a similar situation to u, in a relationship that was going nowhere I no longer loved or liked my ex and made the jump to move out and go it alone. I'm not saying it was easy but my relationship with my son is 100% better and I've been a SM for 2 and a half years now.

When I first got diagnosed with PND my meds were all wrong and it took numerous attempts to get them right! I finally got the right course and right dose (which I still take now) I have good days and bad but the good far outweighs the bad now. It's a big jump to make but something to look back on and think yes I did it for the right reasons and me and my child are far better off for it.

Could the council not rehouse u? I'm in private so don't know much about that but worth a go?

Again, not the first time I've been told that either. It's only recently I've opened up to my HV about how awful things are. I used to pretend I had a lot of support at home etc because I was too ashamed to admit that I didn't. I felt embarrassed because I didn't want people to know that he obviously didn't love me enough to be there for me and help me out more.
And now I've admitted that it's not there but I know that I'm not perfect either.

My HV is looking into some stuff that may or may not help me. As for the council rehousing me I have no idea. I've private rented before and that seems the best way to do it as I want to stay where I am.

I've also been on a couple of types of medication and you would think that 8 months on it would be so much better. But it's not. And I can't see it getting any better if I stay as I am.
I think writing it all down is putting things into perspective and it's starting to seem a little clearer.

At the end of the day ur children have to come first and if being with this man, PND speaking or not, is making u unhappy then they are bound to pick up on it. Don't put them or urself through the heartache and make the jump! If later on u feel differently towards him then try again but right now ur not happy and u deserve to be!

Thanks.
I think you're probably right. The girls are my number 1 priority. Whatever I do needs to be for them.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for being in a relationship. Maybe my whole experience of doing it alone/living alone is what I'm used to and it's why I can't do it this way.
I don't know but whatever it is, there's something somewhere I'm doing wrong.

I would sit down and do a proper budget and work out how much you can afford to save every month. Be ruthless, to get there quicker. Go with the average price of a 2-bed house in your area and triple that to get a ballpark figure to aim for. Then you will know how long you will have to be there, and once you have enough for one month's rent, start contacting landlords too via local ads etc to see if any will accept a minimal deposit or deposit paid in instalments.

Sign up for the council housing list, if they offer you something, you don't have to take it. It won't affect any claim you have to housing benefit, and it's another option.

In the meantime, perhaps try the contact arrangement thing as NettleTea suggested as both a chance to give you a break and a real concrete thing to him that he needs to do more/spend some time with DCs. Of course this is unlikely to help with the housework thing - perhaps designate different rooms to each of you? If you do this, don't cave - don't do anything within that room no matter how bad it gets. And/or split things like clothes washing, washing up (harder) etc.

Ultimately if he doesn't listen when you tell him you need more support then any kind of coping strategy in the short run is going to be unsustainable. And I was also told I had PND when I posted about being exhausted and needing more help from XP, he is now an ex and it was so much of a relief TBH. A relationship should be supportive and you shouldn't have to feel like you are asking the impossible by asking for support.

Also, don't put yourself down. I don't see anything in your post which suggests you're doing it wrong. Perhaps all that's wrong is your expectations in relationships being a little low? Have you come across www.baggagereclaim.co.uk? I find the articles there really striking and they pick up on stuff which I didn't even realise I thought/believed. It's interesting.

There's some brilliant suggestions there. Thanks. I think I do need some kind of budgeting plan so I'm going to have a go at it. See what I can do.
After having a sleepless night thinking about things I know what I need to do so thanks everyone for your suggestions. It's all a lot clearer now.

Ok so the relationship wasn't good for a long time, but I feel like I'm moaning over really small, insignificant things. It's not like he's done anything bad to me. I know many people have it a lot worse. So I am sorry because reading my posts back I kind of realise what I sound like and there are so many people who have more important things they need help with. I think everything just got jumbled up in my head for a while but I know what I need to do now.

BertieBotts I love your name

Thanks everyone

Most people suffering from EA (which it seems you are) say they feel they are moaning over really small, insignificant things. We come to realise that no, it isn't like that. More like Chinese water torture.

I've never looked at it like that before. I read the EA link on that thread and I can relate to some of it.
But surely things like the lack of self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, depression and anxiety, the feelings of guilt and of not being good enough all come under the spectrum of PND too.
So then I'm left thinking what comes first?
And I'm not trying, for one minute, to make out there is any kind of EA going on.
But what on earth is going on.

That's what me and solidgoldbrass were trying to say upthread. You could easily have been misdiagnosed because someone thought 'depression + new baby = PND' especially if you minimised the other difficulties in your life.

Ohhh I see! Clearly I wasn't 'getting' that
Thankyou