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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

new here and hope i can be welcomed

40 replies

Dreamless · 16/03/2012 13:08

Hi everyone, just thought I'd introduce myself. I'm 27, have been with my DH for 8 years. TTC for 7 years - unsuccessfully. We have a strange relationship, huge ups and downs. Mainly down to him being a typical man - he lies, cheats occasionally and is sometimes very violent.

I've also been a professional escort for the past year. I don't expect people to be able to understand, but I'm practically supporting 2 households since a bereavement caused one of them to become unable to support themself. I don't live a lavish lifestyle, I can barely pay my own rent after looking after everyone else. Believe me I would quit in a heartbeat if I had the option.

So there you go.

I await your judgement. :)

OP posts:
rubyrubyruby · 16/03/2012 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 16/03/2012 13:13

him being a typical man - he lies, cheats occasionally and is sometimes very violent

erm... not so typical imo Shock

sweetie, why are you in this relationship?

Scootergrrrl · 16/03/2012 13:14

Why should people judge you? You don't sound happy with either of the aspects of your life you have described. Are you posting because you want to change them?

Lulabellarama · 16/03/2012 13:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Catsdontcare · 16/03/2012 13:15

Violence and cheating isn't typical male behaviour you need to raise your expectations

UnnamedFemaleProtagonist · 16/03/2012 13:18

You are welcome but sorry to hear that you are with a man that is "sometimes very violent". Shock Sad

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2012 13:18

Can't be a serious post, surely? Hmm

HereIGo · 16/03/2012 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Dreamless · 16/03/2012 13:20

Sorry, I didn't mean the violence is normal, I know its not. I guess I'm just jaded about men though when it comes to lying and cheating, I hear so many people going through it. :(

I'm with him because I love him. He's my first love and my only experience of a relationship. We have good times also to balance out the bad but tbh I'm terrified of leaving, being without him and also think he'd go crazy and try to hurt me possibly.

I don't think I can get pregnant also, I think it would have happened by now, its been 7 years trying.

OP posts:
DoomCatsofCognitiveDissonance · 16/03/2012 13:21

Sorry, but I agree with the others. None of this is 'typical'.

You sound very combative or worried we'll judge you - are you? You know that his behaviour is certainly not your fault and it is not excusable, ok?

Can you tell us what you'd like to talk about given we are not going to sit around judging you? There are loads of posters, especially in Relationships, who are very good at providing advice and a calm listening ear. I don't mean to sound unhelpful, but other than reassuring you you don't need to nerve yourself up to get judged, especially about a violent partner, I simply don't know what you are asking as there is so much in that OP you must be struggling with.

I hope you get some good help here.

Original poster
Dreamless · 16/03/2012 13:23

HereIgo that sounds like a dream to me. I'm happy for you. I know some men are good but I'm sorry, in my profession I have learnt a lot about men and the lengths they go to not to get caught. It hasn't helped my general opinion on them.

OP posts:
DoomCatsofCognitiveDissonance · 16/03/2012 13:24

Cross-posted with you dreamless.

Look, do you want to leave him? It sounds like you really, really do. I get that he's your first love - but there are loads of lovely blokes out there who would treat you as you deserve to be treated. It's no sort of life feeling he might hurt you at any time and it sounds as if you have very little to keep you there.

Obviously I don't know you and this is very personal, but I'd say let the TTC wait a little. You're my age - we have time left and you sound like you have more than enough of your plate right now.

PineappleBed · 16/03/2012 13:25

Lying, cheating and being violent aren't typical partner behaviours they are cruel abusive behaviours. Are you certain you want a baby in that environment?

Why would we judge you? You've come here for help nor hassle.

Original poster
Dreamless · 16/03/2012 13:25

Doomscats... I guess more than anything I just wanted to be 100% honest about myself to someone. I can't tell my friends or family about any of this because they'd worry themselves to death.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreamless · 16/03/2012 13:28

I don't know if I want to leave or not. I'm confused because we're going through a tough patch... I think I'm actually holding out because I can see a better future. When I can stop escorting things will be a lot better because it causes a lot of the violence as he finds it hard to deal with.

OP posts:
DoomCatsofCognitiveDissonance · 16/03/2012 13:29

It sounds like your family care about you then - that is good. What do they think to this bloke?

Original poster
Dreamless · 16/03/2012 13:32

They never liked him but after all this time they've accepted him in my life. They would be livid if they knew what was going on but their happiness is very important to me so I'd rather put on a brave face when I see them rather than have them worrying about me constantly.

OP posts:
ChaosTrulyReigns · 16/03/2012 13:33

Please don't feel that as this is your only experience of a relationship, that this is what relationships are like. It isn't - there are many different relationships out there. Please, please take time to listen to the many many wise voices on here. This place can be what you want it to be.

Welcome to MN and, please, look after yourself.

Smile
NinthWave · 16/03/2012 13:34

Hello OP

Can I ask if your partner works, or is it just you bringing in money? How come you have to support another family too? That sounds like a huge responsibility. How does he feel about your work?

You deserve better, really you do.

DELHI · 16/03/2012 13:35

How exactly are you seeing this 'better future' and when or how do you foresee stopping the escorting? You sound like you're trapped in a situation you'd love to get out of, but are afraid to try and burdened with supporting all these 'other people' . You've only ever been with this one man and I'm sure if you could get out and meet new friends and see a different side of life, you'd realise you deserve better and can have better, too. Good luck

ChaosTrulyReigns · 16/03/2012 13:35

Please don't stick in a relationship because you think it's making your family happy. Please don't.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 16/03/2012 13:36

Sorry, pressed too soon. They would not be happy knowing you're pretending, would they.?

Original poster
Dreamless · 16/03/2012 13:38

He is self employed and doesn't make much. I have to support other people who cannot look after themselves, its quite complicated and I don't want to be recognised so would rather not go into too much detail... basically I cover all the bills and living expenses.

He hates my work and gets very angry and jealous, which turns to violence.

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Original poster
Dreamless · 16/03/2012 13:40

No they wouldn't be happy knowing I'm pretending to be happy, but I'm just holding out. He is setting up his own business so when that's sorted out I should be able to stop working...

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreamless · 16/03/2012 13:40

...then things should be better.

OP posts: