new here and hope i can be welcomed

[Dreamless]

Hi everyone, just thought I'd introduce myself. I'm 27, have been with my DH for 8 years. TTC for 7 years - unsuccessfully. We have a strange relationship, huge ups and downs. Mainly down to him being a typical man - he lies, cheats occasionally and is sometimes very violent.

I've also been a professional escort for the past year. I don't expect people to be able to understand, but I'm practically supporting 2 households since a bereavement caused one of them to become unable to support themself. I don't live a lavish lifestyle, I can barely pay my own rent after looking after everyone else. Believe me I would quit in a heartbeat if I had the option.

So there you go.

I await your judgement. :)

That sounds like a hard life Dreamless.

I don't think cheating and being violent are typical male qualities either, I think that does all the decent, kind respectful men out there a great disservice.

You don't need tout up with this you know - you deserve respect and a life free from violence and exploitation.

I hope you get the support you need here, welcome.

To put up with this.

Things won't be any better at all. And it's not love you feel for this man, but co-dependance.

The single thing that would make your life better is if you got away from the influences of abusive and misogynist men i.e. your partner and your clients.

I'm not surprised you have a jaundiced view of men, but it's distorted and incorrect. There are far more men who are unlike the ones you've encountered, but you're never going to meet them unless you end your relationship and your job.

And when you do, you need to be on your own for a while supporting yourself and others if necessary, in a job that demands more than your looks and your sexuality. Being on your own and being valued for your core self will bring about the esteem you lack.

I think you are likely to have been very damaged by your experiences, so getting out of both situations won't of itself heal you. I'd really encourage some professional therapy to set you on your way to a better life.

Charbon said everything I wanted to say, and better, cos I know I'd have sworn..

Not at you dear Dreamless, but at your situation.

You are worth more than this and yes you need lots of help and support to get you through this.

What Charbon said.

Dear god yes, what Charbon said.

Dreamless, I'm so sorry to read your posts, I can sympathise. I was engaged to my first love, and accepted the violence as normal, but after leaving him (and taking a very long time to sort myself out - including dating a string of men who were as bad or worse than him) I eventually found my DP (soon to be DH) and he is amazing, sure he can be a grumpy bastard when he's not had much sleep and we bicker occasionally, but nothing major, and I have never once felt scared around him, I state I got so used to I accepted as the norm.

I also looked at working as an escourt, although I couldn't go through with it, and if it bothers your partner so much, has he thought about working for someone else so he can bring in some more income and lighten your load a bit.

It's so easy when you're stuck in this sort of situation, to accept it and just put your head down and carry on, but there really is a better life out there for you, and by the sounds of it, you deserve all the good in the world. I don't know many people who would work to support others, find someone who will appreciate you and give you the life and love you deserve.

Hi Dreamless. i just wanted to say, stick it out here and listen to the ladies who give you advice, they know the score. they really do.

there are a lot of decent men out there. being as escort, you are unfortunately in a position where you're going to meet many, many horrible men. of course that gives you a dim view. but it doesn't mean good men don't exist.

it sounds like you really love your family. you sound loving in general really. they are lucky to have you in their lives.

very sad to hear about how your H is treating you. you deserve a lot better than that.

i hope you can start to see your own worth soon. escorting is a hard life, i have friends in the business and they've got stories similar to you, and so often those experiences make them feel worthless and alone, which is so sad and so untrue. i'm sorry that's what you're going through every day.

much love to you.

I can't begin to think how I'd feel if you were my daughter. If I thought you were pretending to be happy when you were at risk of violence, suffering your partner's infidelity and having to work as an escort... I would have to stage an intervention.

You could have a lovely life, you know. You're so young and you have so much time to think about having a family. You do know, don't you, that violent men become more violent when there are children around? It seems you pander to him and you won't be able to do that if you're pregnant or looking after a baby.

Please think about talking to your family and telling them the truth. Ask them for help. Think about your own (future) child - how would you feel if you knew she was at risk in that way? Wouldn't you do everything in your power to help her?

Hi Dreamless, the people who you are having to support because of their bereavement - have they been to CAB or another advice agency about their money situation, to see if there are any state benefits they could be entitled to that they haven't claimed, and to look at housing options and debt solutions if relevant?

Hi, Dreamless. I'm too tired to read your thread properly now, but am posting to put you on my 'active' list.

Your profession typically leads to an extremely jaded view of mankind, due to the side of life you know so intimately. It's not so different from the way many police officers end up believing everyone's a criminal!

"Typical" men are not the ones you meet at work. Ordinary, yes, but that's not the same thing.

Going by what you've shared in your first posts, I'm supposing you have a deep distrust of men in general, and a long-held belief that you can't have a balanced, safe and lovely relationship or don't deserve one. Maybe even don't believe they exist. What caused that?

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice.

I have suggested he find a way to make some money and support us so that I can work a lot less (if not quit completely), but he's really into his company and is determined to make it work. He won't take time out from it to do paid work.

I AM afraid to leave him because I don't really believe I'll find a Prince Charming out there waiting for me - and a part of me knows that I feel this way because I'm slightly damaged and have got used to life being shit.

I'm not sure I can be helped but I'm happy just to have gotten a few weights off my chest. :)

I AM afraid to leave him because I don't really believe I'll find a Prince Charming out there waiting for me

Can you manage without a Prince Charming?

I'm not sure I can be helped

Noone is beyond help. But only you can help yourself. Others can only truly help when you ask them for help (and if they agree).

You are a unique and worthwhile individual, Dreamless, and you deserve to be happy.

Dreamless - I can't remember what thread it was on but just this morning I noticed your name because you posted something succint but meaningful and insightful. You are, of course, welcome here and I hope posting on here will help you with your situation...which does not sound like a happy one.

Why should anyone judge you? we are all doing the best we can with what we have.

Keep your chin up, girl and look after yourself and those you love, but not the hangers on.