How the fuck can you sit back and have four kids be abused under your nose and claim not to realise ? Seriously, how the fuck can you ?

[Noogle]

I've namechanged for this because well........I am baffled.

I grew up knowing from a young age my 'dad' had abused young boys, I later found out he'd also abused my elder brother and sister ( his step children )

He was prosecuted for abusing a boy when she was pregnant with me, she stood by him in the fucking court, what the hell must she have looked like ? Stood there about to drop, SUPPORTING an abuser of children.

When he was in the bail hostel she made my brother and sister visit.

He came back to the house when he was released, when my mother was in hospital with me because I was ill he was at home having a fucking field day with her kids.

She caught him in her sons bed for bastards sake, how the actual fuck can she not have realised ? What is the fucking POINT in even denying any knowledge ?

She eventually got rid of him, at least she took some responsibility

Then we get to me, I was abused by two seperate men, grubby old man down the road who used to cop a feel when I was 4 or 5 ish ( why was I allowed into his house ? Had she not learnt the first time ? ) And again when I was 6 ish. This was my sisters friends grandad, we used to sleep over at his house and go on days out. She actually didn't like us going there, why didn't she put her foot down ?

What had happened to me that I was willing to put up with a grubby old man doing things that I KNEW were wrong because he gave me treats ? Why ? I used to lock the door FFS. Had something happened way back that labelled me victim ?

Oh and tonight, fun and fucking games. Tonight I found out my other sister had also been abused, by the foster son of the next man my mother got with. She has had a complete mental breakdown, her kids are now being cared for elsewhere because she cannot do it.

Why the fucking hell as this happened ? Did we deserve the abuse we got because we're the product of an abuser ?

I feel so fucking dirty I wish I could scrub my skin off, I just want to disappear, I cannot get my head around any of this at all.

i'm sorry this has happened to you and your family.

the damage done by simple human frailty (just that alone -- never mind pure evil, pure cruelty) is staggering and the cost borne by the innocent is unthinkable.

again
i am just so sorry.
it is all so sickeningly unfair.

and you all were innocent and deserved none of this, btw.

that's sometimes harder to bear than feeling you deserved it... because if you deserved it, it wouldn't be so monstrously unjust.

It's awful, absolutely awful and you've got absolutely every right to feel furious about the lot of it. You, your siblings and the other victims of the abusers didn't deserve abuse, no, no way. The only person responsible for abuse is the person who carried out the abuse. I can also understand the fury towards your mother, feeling she should have protected you and the other children. I don't have an answer. Parents, grand parents, other adult relatives and other adults in a child's life SHOULD protect children, but they don't always, either because something is screwed up in their heads (yes, perhaps they were also abused and somehow believe it's "normal" or they are controlled by/threatened by whoever is carrying out the abuse and don't feel they can do anything about it - but trying to understand why they might do that isn't the same as excusing it.)

It sounds like maybe you could do with talking with someone - Rape Crisis, Samaritins, some service locally, anything. Hopefully others will come along with better ears and ideas.

It's wrong, all of it, you didn't deserve it, none of you did, full stop.

None of it is your fault. None of it was ever your fault. She should have protected you and she didn't; maybe she was mentally ill,maybe she was under coercion ie the abusers had threatened to kill her or the kids if she spoke out, maybe she had been abused herself to the point where she thought it was normal - but she was an adult, you were a child. Some blame may attach to her but NONE AT ALL to you. And the real blame, the vast massive majority of the blame, attaches to the abusers. They were scum. They did wrong. You didn't deserve it and you are entitled to happiness and peace, and you will get there.

Sorry. i'm not in a great place right now.

For some reason I feel angry, real fury. I feel like marching up to her grave and stamping on the damn thing, stupid, stupid woman.

Is it bad that I take comfort in the thought ( hope ) she was abused herself ?

She could have had a good life, the man who wanted to marry her turned up at her funeral, he'd never got over her leaving him and stayed alone for 40 years. Such a lovely, gentle man. We could have had a normal life.

But no, she went from one abusive man to the next, thank fuck she learned her lesson after the 3rd so we didn't end up with a series of 'uncles'.

And what about family, I cannot get my head around them, why didn't they step in ? or even ask ? These were doting grandparents ? Aunties, uncles. My sister used to beg to sleep at theres to get away, did they not realise ? And social services, did they not care ? The school ? Why were we left there ?

It makes me feel sick, my brother suffered the worst abuse at the hands of 'him'. Such a good looking blonde boy, getting battered at school because his step dad was a 'kiddy fiddler' then having that dirty bastard creeping at him night after night. I cannot bear looking at photos from then, because I know what's behind the fake smiles.

He's 41 years old now, he's done ok but he still constantly walks with his head down, he has no self worth.

I just feel so fucking angry, and I don't know what to do with it.

Jesus christ, you really fucked up that time mother.

There's no real reason why you shouldn't go to her grave and stamp on it. Or piss on it, if you want to. Except perhaps picking your time so you don't interrupt someone else's funeral rites.
Or write a letter to her telling her in great detail what you think of her, how angry you are and how it's affected you, then take the letter to her grave and either burn it over the grave or fold it up and shove it into the soil. Your anger is perfectly understandable and it's fine to want to express it and let it go. Send it to her, send it after her wherever you think she's gone. Then it's out of you and away, and you can turn to the good life you can build for yourself, because your future is yours.

That's what i'm most pissed off about, I can't even shout at her about it.

Or see her choke on her own fecking justification.

Can I offer a Noogle can empathise a bit, it is v difficult to be faced with how shit the human race can be especially when it's shit handed out from those who are supposed to love and protect us from harm. I know I struggle to get my head around how many men my mum found who were complete bastards. Praying you will get some help and healing with how you're feeling right now x

I am so so sorry for you. For you loss of childhood, your loss of innocence & that you feel great pain & anger. I wish I had more than "I'm sorry" but I haven't!

I don't know why no one around you did anything. But it isn't uncommon. A man I knew abused his children, his eldest girl sexually & the rest physically. His wife stood by him & she lost all 5 of her children because of it. I have no idea what either of them were thinking!

The best you can do is stop the cycle of abuse. If you have children, I am sure you won't let them live that life, and that takes a strong person to turn that life around. I know that isn't much help!

I am so sorry you are having to go this, unfortunately it echos a similar experience of my EXH kids (from his 1st marriage). Their Mum was abused by her Dad (their Grandad), and as her girls got older, she used to leave them in the care of the Grandad whilst she and her Mum went shopping, I mean WTF! They were both being regularly raped.

He was finally arrested and imprisoned, but how the hell did she not get done for neglect?

Your anger is entirely understandable, fury even!!

x

Noogle I can't offer any words that are in any way adequate, but just to say that I am so sorry that you all went through this. None of this was the fault of anyone except the person who did it and the person who stood by......

Your anger is completely justified. our mother failed to protect you and your siblings and that is a devastating thing to have happened to you all. I am so sorry . Have you had clunselling? You need some outlet for your rage, and to be able to start to make snese of this all, with support.

I wouldn't be surprise if your mother had been abused herself, not that its an excuse. She sounds like a deeply damaged woman.

My uncle's new wife has had a similar situation her family. Her father abused her and her three sisters for years. One of the sisters told their mum back when they were kids, and she asked her not to say anything and 'not to upset the apple cart'. Un be-fucking-lievable! As adults, they came together to confront their mum and dad again. Their mum drove them out of the house for 'bringing up the past' and 'nearly giving their father a heart attack'. Utterly damaged and depraved woman.

I know I would cut off the balls of any man that did that to my kids, and I mean that literally.

I feel your rage!

Your mother, not our

counselling = fecking typos

Wods fail me also. I cannot understand how people just allow it to happen. I often feel quite vengeful when someone has been mean to DD, never mind anything else.

Rock the apple cart? I'd be kicking the fucker sky high if I uncovered anything sordid.
OP, you did nothing wrong, you are entirely blameless for the very bad parenting choices you experienced as a child. Write that letter, dance about on the woman's grave if it makes you feel better. Rid yourself of the responsibility you feel in any way you see fit. And know that you'll be a better parent than she was.

I can understand the OP's anger but isn't railing at a dead woman just an exercise in futility? Shit happens and, if we can't do anything about it or go back and change it, then all the grave-stamping and breast-beating in the world doesn't do anything except raise our blood-pressure and make us miserable. I'd suggest to the OP to turn this anger into something more constructive ... I don't know... working with a victims' charity or taking up a career in social services. Maybe encouraging their siblings to talk openly and help them. Having so much bitterness rattle about inside with nowhere to go is doing nothing except destroy them

Noogle - it is hard to fathom isn't it? I am so sorry for what has happened to you and your siblings. Anger is good and expressing it (healthily)is good. I was abused by my father and I told my mother when I was an adult. She is still with him, my brother knows and told me it is nothing to do with him. I struggle with anger as my way of coping was to disassociate from the whole experience. Therapy helps enormously. Keep raging until you need to rage no more and find ways to help yourself. I don't think abuse happens in happy functional families. It is shit though.

Noogle :(

In terms of practicalities - as in trying to find ways to vent your feelings and find peace as best you can - would it be worth talking to your brother? I am sure you are loathe to dredge up all the pain again, but maybe he feels the same way and would feel better for having a chance to vent too?

I might not suggest this if he was happy and getting on with his life, but it sounds as though he is suffering and being held back.

And of course talk to a professional if you haven't already. It might be a few tries before you find the right person, but once you do, you should be able to find a way to to start to come to terms with such and awful awful childhood

I can understand the OP's anger but isn't railing at a dead woman just an exercise in futility?

In the long term yes but in the short term its important to actually "feel" emotions. A lot of difficulties with people who have been abused are caused by the (natural) denial and suppression of emotions that are too difficult and painful to deal with.

Please consider therpay OP, a safe confidential place to discuus your experiences, thoughts and feelings. Abuse is horrific but the feelings it leaves you with can often be worse - feeling dirty and worthless like you have said and can affect all relationships in your life. Its not as easy as saying it happened and you have to get on with your life, ultimately you need to work through all the issues before this can happen.

You also have your understandable feelings of being let down by your Mum to come to terms with - to think that the 1 person in the world whos meant to protect you and look after you has ultimately failed. That you havent had the Mum you should have had. Its a lot....of course you feel angry. Please consider therapy (big scary thought though talking about your innermost feelings). None of this was and ever will be your fault.

I nearly vomited reading this esp your poor brother Noogle
I really don't know what to say only that I am disgusted what happened to you all as you were all innocent children.
I am not sticking up for your mum but they say an evil person like this can smell vuln women and prime them to believing they are the best thing since sliced bread.

I do wonder if your mum was abused growing up and just accepted it as deluded /ill in some way ...sorry I don't mean to make up excuses for the woman but it is possible. She possibly searched for this type of person....hence dumping the normal loving man?

The washing your skin is a common reaction I have heard...is their any support groups you can join and can your gp refer you to a specialist psychologist for childhood abuse?

If you can try and step outside your body though Noogle see it as happening to someone else...what would you tell that person to do? Some self help books around this experience (sorry don't know any) might help but speaking to people in same boat in RL I think is the best way through a supported trained leader.

I hope you can find a way to dampen the anger and pain and help you move on to some sort of life...your sister's disclosure has obiv brought a lot back from under the surfice....

I hope you get lots of support here and in RL as you deserve and need it...all of you.

sorry you all had to go through something like that.(as a mother)Is unbelievable how things like this goes on under your nose without noticing it for a while but as time goes on it becomes obvious.You just say to yourself "am i being paranoid or what"and he manipulates you to think,it cant be.You go to the police and social services but they cant help because there is no evidence,sometimes people row their eyes if you mention it(sad).I understand your anger she should have done more to protect you all.
There are a lot of children being abuse but nothing is being done about it and its given the abusers more power to go on with it.
Have thought about counselling?It helps.

Schools and SS used to be shit, that's all, they have improved and learnt from their past mistakes and hopefully this could never happen today.
I think you have to try and judge by the standards of the time not by today's standards. I know lots of people who would have lost their children by now if they were raising them today, or maybe they would have had support and not abused them in the first place.
Things were very different.

Haven't got any words of wisdom noogle but just wanted to say so sorry this happened to you and your family

Cogito I can understand that sentiment. But ime you can't move on to more "useful", socially-approved forms of dealing with grief (e.g. working with victims charities) until you move through all the rage and come face to face with the horror of what happened.

Unless you get through that stuff and really look at it and feel the full disgust of it etc., you're in danger of acting out more bullshit in your interactions with others.

OP the rage has to happen. If you don't feel the rage, that means you haven't faced up to the full extent of the injustice. And without doing that, it's almost certain you're still blaming yourself, or excusing your mother, and that's not on.

you're doing the right thing and your rage has a purpose.