I've namechanged for this because well........I am baffled.
I grew up knowing from a young age my 'dad' had abused young boys, I later found out he'd also abused my elder brother and sister ( his step children )
He was prosecuted for abusing a boy when she was pregnant with me, she stood by him in the fucking court, what the hell must she have looked like ? Stood there about to drop, SUPPORTING an abuser of children.
When he was in the bail hostel she made my brother and sister visit.
He came back to the house when he was released, when my mother was in hospital with me because I was ill he was at home having a fucking field day with her kids.
She caught him in her sons bed for bastards sake, how the actual fuck can she not have realised ? What is the fucking POINT in even denying any knowledge ?
She eventually got rid of him, at least she took some responsibility
Then we get to me, I was abused by two seperate men, grubby old man down the road who used to cop a feel when I was 4 or 5 ish ( why was I allowed into his house ? Had she not learnt the first time ? ) And again when I was 6 ish. This was my sisters friends grandad, we used to sleep over at his house and go on days out. She actually didn't like us going there, why didn't she put her foot down ?
What had happened to me that I was willing to put up with a grubby old man doing things that I KNEW were wrong because he gave me treats ? Why ? I used to lock the door FFS. Had something happened way back that labelled me victim ?
Oh and tonight, fun and fucking games. Tonight I found out my other sister had also been abused, by the foster son of the next man my mother got with. She has had a complete mental breakdown, her kids are now being cared for elsewhere because she cannot do it.
Why the fucking hell as this happened ? Did we deserve the abuse we got because we're the product of an abuser ?
I feel so fucking dirty I wish I could scrub my skin off, I just want to disappear, I cannot get my head around any of this at all.