End of the road for me and DP - just how the hell do I tell him?

[GetOrfMoiiLand]

I had a quite long running thread in OTBT last year about me and DP - we never have sex - he is just not interested in it, and literally shudders if I made advances. So I stopped making advances towards him. We also can't talk about it as he gets completely clammed up, says he feels like less of a man. He was on citalopram for a while which would explain a lot, however he stopped those 6 months ago.

I thought we could work through it - we were getting on so well. I just thought I could go through a hiatus and get to the other side and all will be well. But these past few months have been grim. It has got to the point where we never touch, never hold hands, never kiss. We barely talk - we are just so full of resentment towards each other.

I don't want to split up - this is the last, last, last thing I ever wanted. But I am only 34. I haven't had sex in nearly a year, I haven't had a snog since then, i haven't had a cuddle. We are just frozen with each other.

But I am really scared. I don't want anyone else - in fact I hate the thought of meeting another man, I don't want to. I wanted to spend my life with DP but we make each other unhappy obviously. I am trying to throw myself into other things to make my mind off things - fitness training, baking cakes, running, swimming (I fucking hate swimming), doing another degree. But I am getting to the point whher I dread going home, and I dread DD going out, because I am left with him and the silences.

The reason I am writing this now instead of just plodding along is that for some strange reason I started thinking about it in a meeting at work, thinking about DP avidly watching some shite programme about string theory last night, and feeling that it really is the end of the road for us. I started bloody welling up in the meeting.

I never thought that we would ever split up. We have been together over 6 years and at one point we were each other's lives. There was so much love at the beginning, it has not turned to hate, but annoyance and indifference. It is bloody heartbreaking.

Oh I don't even know what I am trying to fucking say. I am very frightened or the future, dd is 16 and off soon, at the end of a relationsip, all my friends and a lot of my family who I am close to live bloody miles away (LA and New Zealand) and I am feeling that my life is at a standstill at 34. I am going to be a single woman with no friends and cats.

You're fab GOML. Everything that ChippingIn said. I'm always amazed you're so young as you're so wise on here.

Yesterday a very dear friend of mine died. He was only 27. So carpe diem my dear, you have so much more life left to live, don't waste your time in a bitter unhappy relationship. You deserve so, so much more.

I know - I am not the same person either. Perhaps he is also hankering after the 30 year old me.

I think it makes it harder if there is no fault, if he was a complete twat it would make it easy I think. My XP was a horrible git, I decided to leave (took 6 months to sort everything out) but once I mentally left I was not upset at all, no regrets, and walked off without a backwards glance.

In my mind though there are a million 'what ifs, what ifs' but I know deep down that there is no way of stopping this erosion. If I stay we will end up loathing one another.

It is plucking up the courage to have the conversation, but perhaps he will be relieved. I know I would be if he told me he was leaving me.

Thanks again everyone.

You are allowed to be sad about what you've lost and probably need a good cry or ten. I remember my dp saying something to me and it was a glimmer of the old him and I thought my heart would burst because I had loved him so much and just wanted it all back. oh god that is exactly it. Exactly.

Patti thank you. I aint wise! I am just old beyond my years (think Phyllis from Corrie).

PattiMayor condolences. Do I know you from the other place? (Am not a weirdy stalker or anything!)

I am so sorry about your friend patti. 27 is no bloody age.

I have got to be more philiospical tbh. A friend of mine had a 6 week old baby in ICU - he had a heart attack (why?) and stopped breathing, and lack of oxygen means he has brain damage, and is now blind in one eye. It is absolutely heartbreaking.

philosophical ffs

read this OP . The other posts on this board are also enlightening.

Oh, if you've already got a place in France I withdraw my prediction. I kind of imagined his dream depending a great deal on you doing all the organising as well as the sacrifices.

Probably BenderBending - there's quite a few of us here!

Thank you GOML, you're right, it's no age at all. And neither is 34 from where I'm sitting :)

Of course it's easier to leave a relationship if your partner is being really vile and abusive. But a loveless relationship without affection or passion is just as destructive, it's just slower and harder to see.

I am so sorry Getorf, I love your posts (I too have ended up Veeting my ladybits due to you) I think you know what you need to do, you just need to let your heart catch up with your head. Good luck, be strong, you deserve a fab life.

Do you think having some counselling together could help?

Ultimately, the loneliest place to be is in a relationship that's run its course. You have all the memories of happier times but these are all the more poignant the more they are revisited. So I'm really sorry you are at this crossroads, Getorf because you always come across as such a strong and sorted person.

My advice would be to take a complete break. Go to California or NZ even if only for a brief visit and clear your head. You've got your whole life ahead of you, don't waste a moment of it. Even if this means making a difficult decision now.