End of the road for me and DP - just how the hell do I tell him?

[GetOrfMoiiLand]

I had a quite long running thread in OTBT last year about me and DP - we never have sex - he is just not interested in it, and literally shudders if I made advances. So I stopped making advances towards him. We also can't talk about it as he gets completely clammed up, says he feels like less of a man. He was on citalopram for a while which would explain a lot, however he stopped those 6 months ago.

I thought we could work through it - we were getting on so well. I just thought I could go through a hiatus and get to the other side and all will be well. But these past few months have been grim. It has got to the point where we never touch, never hold hands, never kiss. We barely talk - we are just so full of resentment towards each other.

I don't want to split up - this is the last, last, last thing I ever wanted. But I am only 34. I haven't had sex in nearly a year, I haven't had a snog since then, i haven't had a cuddle. We are just frozen with each other.

But I am really scared. I don't want anyone else - in fact I hate the thought of meeting another man, I don't want to. I wanted to spend my life with DP but we make each other unhappy obviously. I am trying to throw myself into other things to make my mind off things - fitness training, baking cakes, running, swimming (I fucking hate swimming), doing another degree. But I am getting to the point whher I dread going home, and I dread DD going out, because I am left with him and the silences.

The reason I am writing this now instead of just plodding along is that for some strange reason I started thinking about it in a meeting at work, thinking about DP avidly watching some shite programme about string theory last night, and feeling that it really is the end of the road for us. I started bloody welling up in the meeting.

I never thought that we would ever split up. We have been together over 6 years and at one point we were each other's lives. There was so much love at the beginning, it has not turned to hate, but annoyance and indifference. It is bloody heartbreaking.

Oh I don't even know what I am trying to fucking say. I am very frightened or the future, dd is 16 and off soon, at the end of a relationsip, all my friends and a lot of my family who I am close to live bloody miles away (LA and New Zealand) and I am feeling that my life is at a standstill at 34. I am going to be a single woman with no friends and cats.

OMG of course you must end this relationship, because it isn't actally one is it?

It is juts two people sharing a house. And that aint enough.

GOML - it's shit isn't it :( It's so bloody hard when you want what you had but not what you've got.

Do you think the man he used to be is still in there somewhere, or do you think he's changed or never was who you thought he was?

Either way, you will be OK. You are funny, kind, smart, intelligent, witty, wise... if you do separate, you will have a wonderful, full life. 34 is no age - honest x

GetOrf :(

I remember your thread from last year, it just sounds an awful situation. We are the same age - there is an awful lot of life left.

What would you like to do? What makes you happy?

Btw I hope it doesn't seem like I'm trying to belittle your experiences in my post. What you are going through it really sad; six years is a long time and you definitely need to grieve for what you have lost. It isn't fair. In the last few months with dp I so very desperately wanted the old him back but that him was gone.

I am standing on the other side to where you are now and I know how good that feels and I was just trying to reassure you that this is a good decision to make and that there is so much good still ahead of you. I know where you are now is bloody hard.

Wow! 34. You still have most of your life ahead of you. Don´t waste it on a relationship that has run its course....

I´m in my 50´s, my son is at uni and am looking at my next world adventure/trip abroad....

My last one was in Havana walking the day around and dancing the night away.

You never know when it´s finished, just got to grab that life and let it take you!

Just saying...

P.s. That was on my own by the way, in Havana. You don´t need people to get you where you want to go, just a sense of adventure....

You meet wonderful people wherever you go, you just have to be open to it.

Ihavent read the whole thread so sorry if i repeat anyone. A loveless marriage or relationship is not one worth being in. IMO, you really are better off alone. My marriage got to the point of almost being loveless although he was abusive etc, but i left, i didnt know how i would cope alone, i was lonely and scared, i didnt want anyone else, much like you. Now i am away from him, i reliase what life is about and i am loving it again, and yes i am startignt to meet people and date, but hey why the hell not?? Its about time i enjoyed myself. You might not be ready for a long time to date again, but alone, i assure you, honestly, you will be happier. The silences, wont mean an atmosphere, it means its peaceful, and maybe lonely, but at least you can have your friends, make new ones and be HAPPY. honestly do leave, its for the best, as much as it hurts, i know it did me despite everything he put me through. But you'll realise you did what was right and everyone will be happier

Hi
I haven't read any of your other posts, just this one and I really do feel for you. I know how difficult it is to feel what you are feeling because I am in a similar situation. In my heart I know there is too much pain to come back from between us and like you, too much resentment. We have nearly split up so many times and DH says he is going to go and move abroad and then when things are difficult or just when he feels sorry for himself he says sometimes he feels like leaving everyone behind and starting afresh where he will be appreciated. I told him if he is that unhappy he should go, but I don't think for a minute he would go if we split up. He doesn't do anything outside of work, so what would he do with himself if he wasn't working?

But, he always manages to talk me out of leaving and I think I might be scared to start again, even just on my own. I wish I could find the courage to do what I know is right for me, without feeling so responsible for his feelings. It is comforting hearing from women who have left and are happier for it, I only hope I can find the strength to do it soon. I really hope you find the strength to do what is right for you and if that is to leave him, then my heart goes out to you, as I know that it won't be an easy thing to do. But I have a feeling you won't regret it.

With love & best wishes

So sorry for you op, I was like this at 32. Was like living in limbo, in the end I couldn't stand the lack of physical contact and left. I never looked back. You are still young and life and love is there for you. Don't be scared.

sorry. Missed your thread. You are too young to spend the rest of your life like this. You are young and vibrant. Sorry you cant work it out with him. Let him go to France.

My stomach clenched when I read your post, it is just the antithesis of a healthy relationship and I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position. He must be aware of this situation and his inability to talk about this or recognise or address the problem speaks volumes about how he feels about you. I hate to say it but your DD is probably aware that something is not right, kids are quite good at picking up on things that you probably haven't realised they have. This is not a good relationship you are modelling for her and I'm sure she would prefer to have you more relaxed and happy than you are now (so sorry if I overstepped the mark re your DD, my parents lived unhappily together for several years and they thought they covered it up really well, but they didn't-we noticed the lack of affection/interaction very quickly...)

Coming to a point where you are no longer 'full-time mother' and 'partner' must be really frightening and unnerving, but its no reason to deny yourself happiness at 34 and to continue to live like this any longer. And I suspect there is a LOT of happiness out there for you - FFS given current medical advances you might only be a quarter of the way through your life - thats virtually a teenager.

Something practical you could do is to make a list of all the good stuff that will come after the bad (moving out, packing stuff, telling your daughter).

-not having to sit in silence in the evening
-not having to have anything about string theory on the TV.
-looking forward to going home after work
-being able to do what you want when you want
-never having to swim again
-having lots of snogs
-having a healthy relationship
-less worry, stress and resentment

But I wouldn't get any cats for a couple of years just in case.

I don't have any practical advice, just wanted to say - you don't deserve this

You deserve someone who adores you and fancies the pants off you

34 is so, so young. You're only 2 years older than me and you've achieved so much in your life! I'm not a stalker, honest just a major fan girl

Oh goodness, you poor thing, I'm so sorry. I've not seen you post about your own relationship but you're always so funny and vibrant when posting on other threads it's quite a shock to hear that your home life is miserable.

If you really feel that this is the end then there will be sadness and grief which really sucks, but also hope, excitement and anticipation of a future. As someone up thread said, do you really want to be here in another years time?

I do think that a separation (at least) is the best way to go - do you have to move out or can he? Is it his house?

Hey, looking at the fact that your family are in LA or NZ how about planning a big trip to California or the Southern Hemisphere for when your dd leaves home? A bit of Californian sunshine and hot sex could be just what you need.

I wish you the very best, it is very very sad to feel that a once loving relationship has reached it's end, but it doesn't by any means mean that your life is over. I am 10 years older than you and I can say that I have packed more awesomeness into the last 10 years than the ones between 24 and 34 but my 20's sucked. There is hope GetOrf xx

GetOrf, I'm so sorry to hear this, how shite.

I may be mistaken, but didn't you have a pregnancy scare about a year ago? Could you and DPs lack of 'action' be anything to do with that? Is he worried that you want a baby (and he doesn't)?

I only ask because when DD was about 2 I was dreadfully broody, but DH didn't want another. It caused a lot of arguements, but also the sex stopped dead. He assumed that I would 'trick' him into another (he was going through a dickhead stage) but never talked about it - right up to the point that I said I'd had enough, and then it all came tumbling out. By then it had been about 6 months - idiot man could have cleared it up much sooner if only he'd opened his mouth!

Is there any chance that could be it?

"life is short and precious"

this is so true. my brother died at 34, he had his whole life ahead of him. life is for living GetOrf, and just cos you've packed so much into the first 34 years doesn't mean you can slack off now

the initial bit is hard, but after that it will be wonderful.

Oh dear - I have just read this through and am bawling. Everyone has been so kind. Thank yo uall so much. I would like to go through and thank each and every one of you personally but it would make for a very long post. I really appreciate it.

For probably the first time in my adult life I am really afraid of doing anything, and moving. If this was something at work which wasn't working, I would know exactly what to do, I would know exactly what my exit plan would be. And i know deep down that people split up all the time, people sell houses and split money, everything is possible. But just the thought of starting all that off make me feel really scared.

I am also not afraid of being on my own, not really. I was a single parent from when dd was a baby for years, it was great actually, I could concentrate on dd and work without having to consider a partner in the middle of it. I am OK being alone, it's just I am afraid of being lonely. But I am bloody lonely now.

I need to mentally push myself over the cliff.

DP I think will go to France - we own a property there (christ knows how I can extricate myself from a bloody French mortgage but still) but that doesn't really matter. I really can't consider going - the same reasons as last time, I could probably learn conversational French, but could never work there at a technical level, and my career would be over. It has never been a serious consideration for me. And the baby scare - yes I thought I was pregnant last January. I don't think that is the reason DP doesn't come anywhere near me - irony of ironies he talked about having a baby last summer. I lost my temper at one point and asked how the hell it was going to be conceived unless I changed my name to Mary.

I feel 99% certain that I want to leave, but then I saw him laughing at something DD said yesterday and I felt an enormous rush of really bitter feeling affection and love. Why the hell can't we be the people we were 3 years ago?

Thank you all again so much, your kind and wise words are helping. It is great to hear positive stories from those who made the push and are so much happier.

Ach you poor thing

getorf Sorry this is happening.Take your time there is no rush.
I am near to you in rl if you ever want a coffee and a moan. I have had a fairly varied life and am a good listener. (well not really im a masive chatterbox but id take your mind of things haha) You can join me and dollytwat for one of our wine drinking sessions.

What changed 3 years ago?

I hate that you are hurting like this - you so don't deserve it :( You are funny, vibrant, full of life, wise, sensible, caring, hilarious... why is he not worshipping the ground you walk on?

I'd go and have with Ledkr & DollyTwat - it would be a great night out I'm sure :)

I have no idea what changed 3 years ago really. What really, really hit us was the recession - DP works in construction and during the recession his major contractor went bust - owing DP's company £60K which we never got. So it has been a financial struggle since, added to which the construction industry went into a severe downturn. His business has never really picked up since, and now I earn more than him. he was depressed for a while, and then drank too much and it has been like walking in treacle.

Ledkr i would love to meet up with you and dolly on your drinking nights. I missed the last Cheltenham meet up (I forgot ) and I was going to travel to London with dolly at the christmas meet up, but was ill and didn't go in the end. I will send you a PM - would like to tag along when you next meet up. Thanks very much for asking.

And thanks chipping

[sly hugs for GetOrf ]

When I move back from Furrin Parts I am definitely going to try and get in on some of this MN drinking-and-talking action. It sounds bloody brilliant.

You life isnt over getorf but you may need to accept your relationship with this person is.

I dont say that lightly btw, I know it will be a huge change for you and your dd but you deserve some companionship, love and affection...the thing that made me most sad about your post was the fact you dont even cuddle or hold hands anymore You dont have to put up with this.

I think that you are spot on and that resentment is probably at the heart of your issues...on both sides..him because he wanted to move to France and you didnt and you because he is "punishing" you for not going by witholding his affection.

Thinking of you x

People change.

I guess thats an obvisou statement BUT can you honestly say you are the same person you were 5 years ago?

I know I'm not.

Sometimes its no-ones fault

I so get the feelings when you get moments that happen that remind you of how things used to be. You are allowed to be sad about what you've lost and probably need a good cry or ten. I remember my dp saying something to me and it was a glimmer of the old him and I thought my heart would burst because I had loved him so much and just wanted it all back. But I forced myself to really study him over the days that followed and show myself that that person was gone and if I carried on being with him it was this new depressed, self-absorbed person who I'd be spending time with and that the loneliness would carry on. Now I can say that I'm so grateful I have all those happy memories and I'm looking forward to making more with someone else one day.

I was so scared of being lonely too, I can't tell you. But I can promise you that I was far lonelier in the relationship. I have felt elated and free since it ended. There was a week when it was hard, but I got through it. I have joined new groups and am meeting new people and my friends have rallied round. I do feel a lot of hope that when I'm ready I will meet someone else, even though there's a lot going against me. I'm hoping to get a dog one day and I have my hobbies which I'm suddenly getting back into.

I can't say how it will be for you, but for me I suffered more when I was debating whether to end it and how to do it. It felt so painful. Once the decision was made all that sadness and doubt lifted. It's still a long process letting go but I wish I had known that once the decision had been made, it would all get easier.

You can do this. And there's always options later on if you find it was a big mistake and you want to have another go of making it work. Try and think of it perhaps as taking a few months out to clear your head, then it's not so scary.