a break before a marraige preposal or is it over?

[LoveStruck]

My boyfriend of 4 years has called me up tonight and told me he needs 2 month to figure out if he wants to get married or not. I've been talking (nagging) to him for almost 2years now and he's always said he's not sure if marriage is for him as his parents had a bad experience as well as a few of his close friends. So this is the first he's ever spoken to me about it without being prompted. He said were still going to speak and meet up in these 2 months but I'm not sure if we should cut contact to really consider our options. I'm also confused with what I should do if he says no... Marriage is something I really want so I don't think I could compromise on that but then I'm not sure if I can deal with loosing him. During the convo he only seemed to focus on what if he says no, so is that his answer? I asked him and he said its 50/50. Do we take these 2 months and take a break for us to gather our and for me to get used to a life without him?

Hi there, this must have come as a shock.

I'm assuming when you're talking about marriage you're talking about making the relationship a long term commitment, and that BF is dragging his heels re the commitment part.

If that is the case, in my experience (both of being with someone who wasn't sure, then being the one who wasn't sure) I would say this doesn't look too hopeful.

If he's not sure that he wants to commit to you after 4 years, what does he think might happen over the next 2 months to make him sure?

Someone once said to me, "you can only be really happy with someone who believes you're absolutely the best thing / person for them... having someone make do with you isn't ever really good enough."

That advice has helped me to make some really tough decisions in the past.

If it were me in your situation (and this is about commitment rather than the actual formality of a marriage certificate) I would take this opportunity to end the relationship completely. You think you won't cope without him... you absolutely will! You deserve to be with someone who would jump through flaming hoops to be with you, not spend years waiting to hear if you've been successful in your bid or not!

Also, just wondering if this could be him trying to get out of the relationship "gently", maybe trying not to hurt you in the process.... just a thought!

Suggesting that you continue to speak and meet up during the 2 months that he allegedly needs to 'figure out' whether he wants to marry you, would seem as if there'll be little change to your existing relationship.

Under these circumstances, I suspect it will be difficult for you to resist the temptation to keep harping on raise the issue on a regular, if not, frequent basis.

I'm curious as to why he's chosen a period of 2 months to make his mind up. Is there some event looming that he wants to attend without you? Or is he making sure that he can still get his leg over whenever it suits him have access to all the joys and benefits that you provide for him while he deliberates on your respective futures?

After 4 years and 2 years of 'nagging', I would suggest that you opt for no contact with him. Set a date to meet up in mid-May and make it clear to him that, in the interim, you intend to get on with your own life as a newly free and single female with all that this entails, and that you only want to hear from him earlier if he's reached a decision.

We've been through some tough times in the 4yrs so I can in some ways see where he's coming from with being hesitant about marriage. But your right about if he's questioning a long term commitment or the actual marriage, I'm assuming he was referring to the marriage (I hope!)

I also agree that everyone should be with someone who will say with no doubts that they want to be with you but then I can't help but look at his own past- major family issues which are ongoing. As I said his parents relationship and some friends have had terrible experiences which have hugely effected him. He also says he doesn't feel financially stable so wants the time to get his business back on track. So I guess they are reasonable "excuses". He also has a past; he wanted to marry his ex but she left him for someone else, this has changed him and has in turn I feel frightened him- again quite reasonable, no? And lastly he said he wants the time to think for himself; he has quite a few friends and family members who aren't huge fans of me so have mildly tainted his thoughts.

I don't want to feel like I'm making excuses for him but I don't want to get hurt either. He does know how much of a big deal marriage is for me and I don't doubt he loves me, but then I'm not sure if he wants to marry me however I don't think he would lead me on for 2 months if he totally was against it.

I think that nagging someone to get married is never going to end well.

I think he probably isn't that into you, and that this is his cowardly way of ending things.

I would go no contact, and use the time to reassess your own life, on your own terms and then decide if you want him.

Just thinking back to the convo, when he asked what would I do if he said no and I replied what would he want he did say he would leave it up to me... So I do think he is just thinking about marriage as opposed to a long term relationship. We've never discussed not being together in the future, just if he would consider marriage. I'm going to clear this up tomorrow though, you raised a good point cenicienta!

izzyizin- all of your thoughts are entirely mine too. However he did surprisingly say that during the 2 months no intimacy would take place. But I do wonder what's going to take place during this time... He's half indian so perhaps an arranged meeting with a more suitable woman!! (Please be a joke). I did ask why that length and he said it could be a shorter time. Should I ask him openly if there's anything going on?

Alibabaandthe40nappies- he's not that into me or the idea of marriage?

I did mention no contact for the duration to which he replied that he can't imagine neither want to encourage time apart/not talking.

You can ask him but, as I don't think you'll get a straight answer, it seems to me you're best advised to save your breath.

My instinct, and it seems yours too, is that there something's going on in the next few weeks during which time he wants to be able to present himself as single man with no encumbrances.

As for the 'no intimacy' during this nonbreak; realistically that's not going to happen unless he's getting it elsewhere but even if he is, in his mind he'll still be able to present himself as a free man.

I daresay we could while away a good few hours coming up with possibilities to account for this very precise period of time but, although we can most probably engage in some very creative thinking and more than a few laughs over a or 10, the fact is that only time will tell if either or both of us have hit the nail on the head with any of our theories.

As cenicienta has said, nagging a man into the registry office would not be a propitious start to any marriage but, tempted as I am to agree with her that you end it and walk away with your dignity intact, I will stick with my suggestion that you go absolutely no contact with him for 2 months while making it absolutely clear that you're not going to be sat at home moping or pining for him until he puts you out of your misery arrives at a decision.

If you're worrying about the bilogical ticking clock; don't be. You've got years in which you can meet and marry the father of your future dc, and I'd be very wary of having dc with a man whose mind could be tainted by his family and friends' opinion of me.

With all of the additional complications you've alluded too, I have serious doubt that this particular relationship is 'the one' for you and I suggest that you spend the next 8-9 weeks getting 'out there' and having fun - which seems to have been a quality that has been lacking in your life for some considerable time.

I know that can be easier said than done, but if you should experience any difficulty in single-mindedly pursuing other goals for a change please come back here for solace, support, and the uplift of spirits that can come from conversing with others who've been where you are now and who are now happily ensconced with spouses/partners who'd cheerfully crawl over broken glass and walk through fire to be with them.

You deserve no less, honey. Set your sights high and don't settle for second best.

How old are you both? I think he is telling you that he doesn't want to marry you and it's your decision if you can live with that.

I know commitment can be challenging for some people but I also know that when you meet someone you love and have known for 4 years then you are keen to have that commitment. My DH was very keen to marry me, despite his parents awful marriage and his own first disastrous marriage, he had learnt from those experiences so felt more confident.

After 2 years it seems that most relationships are in the make/break position so your timeline for wanting marriage is understandable.
I'm glad you have a firm view of what you want, hold on to that, it's likely he isn't quite the right man for you, which is sad but it does mean that the right man is likely to be there for you.

Another vote for He's Just Not That Into You. Mind you, being nagged for two years to hurry up with the proposal would have most men running for the hills anyway. TBH I think it;s fairly clear that this man is not your future husband, and he probably is trying to escape from the relationship without having to have a confrontation about it.

Let him go. Start building a life for yourself that is not about Making HIM Commit when he clearl doesn't want to. A man who finally gives in under pressure to marry you will fuck off sooner or later, and in every row you have after the wedding will say 'Well you were the one who wanted to get married.'

If he doesn't want to marry you after 4 years, then why is another two months going to make a difference or help him come to a decision that he's been unable to make so far?

I'd definitely go no contact and make it very clear to him that you will consider yourself young, free and single over these two months. And then do that. Get out, meet new people, keep yourself busy and keep your diary fully booked up with nights out with friends, dates, etc.

It really shouldn't be such hard work. TBH if someone needed to take some kind of emotional sabbatical to come to terms with the idea of marrying me, then I woukd be the one saying no.

He doesn't want to marry you. I would start planning my own life.

This sounds crazy - no man should have the power to leave you hanging like that. But to be fair to him, you have also nagged him for 2yrs! That's not fair on him, either. Sounds like you both need a complete break - no contact for a couple of months, then see what happens. Sounds like you both just want different things...

What Pagwatch said - if he needed this time to know he wanted to marry me, he could fuck off. Equally though, two years of someone going on about getting married would put me off them more than most other things they could do, too.

This sounds very odd. No of course you shouldn't nag him to marry you, that's not likely to do much good (though there's nothing wrong with letting him know your feelings on the subject). And if he doesn't want to get married then that's his choice.

But a two-month 'break'? Sorry but that seems an extraordinary thing to do for a couple considering marriage, if you're wanting a break from each other already, that in itself is probably a sign that marriage wouldn't be a good idea.

Personally I'd rather either be single or with someone who actually wants to marry me and commit to me, wants it at least as much as I do. I've got no time for this sort of game-playing, keeping you dangling while he makes up his mind whether he will bestow the favour of marrying him.

This is a demeaning situation for you IMO. Personally I think it sounds like he doesn't want to marry you, maybe doesn't want to be with you any more, but is too cowardly to say it straight, and also maybe wants to keep his options open and know he has you waiting for him if other plans don't work out. Do you think he might be planning to date other women during this 'break'?

Sorry love but I think he is preparing you gently to let it go.
This "break", I gather you are not even living together for this to be possible?

So clearly he is not that into you.

Wedding season is approaching so I would not be surprised if he is under pressure to marry somebody else.

He either has someone else lined upfor a trial run while keeping you on the back burner, he is hoping that threatening you with no relationship for two months you will shut up about marriage to keep him, or he is really just strange.

He will effectively be single for the duration so can do who he wants while yoy sit and wait for him to make the decision for both of you.

Point out you also are effectively single and can do who you want too and that is none of his business...

I would be spitting teeth if someone rang me and said that load of bollocks! So let me get this right: HE needs 2 months to decide if HE will dain to marry you; HE is going to decide the rules of these two months; HE has said it's 50/50 whether HE will bother; and, if HE says no then it's just down to you to decide what to do.

Er no mate it'll be up to US to have a conversation like grown-ups and take both of our opinions and feelings into account.

I would be very wary of marrying someone who thinks your relationship is about only their feelings and needs.

You can't nag someone into marrying you it's a choice they willingly make - by this I mean that if you do marry he can't trot out any "you made me do it."

It's all a big red flag to me and I think he's really mean to do this to someone he's been with for four years and who he is apparently in love with.

If this is his "good bye and thanks for all the fish" it's pathetic. You're either in a relationship or you're not and I think it's mean he thinks he can string you along like this and expect you to be happy and grateful. If he gets away with this once I imagin he'll do it again and again.

Do you think he thinks he has a "hall pass" for those two months?

But the fact that he is quite happy to suggest this break, and willing to not see you for two months, speaks volumes about how he really feel about you, deep down.

Sorry I'm not sure I've made the situation very clear through all my ranting... It isn't a break, I was the one who has been considering no contact etc, he has just told me that he will tell me in a maximum time frame of 2 months if he wants to get married. The 2 months isn't a rethink of our relationship as such, its just a time frame of when he will know about a few business proposals- his main issue has always been that he doesn't feel financially stable. I proposed the idea to him of no contact and he immediately turned down the idea and said he could not bare that thought.
The nagging hasn't been "please will you marry me now because I'm so desperate" its been more of "when will you be ready" because he has never actually said an outright no to marriage its always been about the timing. That's a big difference to an big fat no isn't it?
I don't doubt he wants to be in a long term relationship with me as I just think he's not a great lover of marriage.
I've also been thinking; May will be our 4yrs anniversary.... Could he be planning a special proposal?? 2 months will be May...?? Hmmm.
And would a guy really waste 4yrs of his life with a girl he's just not that into? SO sorry for my never ending messages

That was my understanding of your situation and I still think he's being odd.

This must be very hard for you as it's left you all off kilter. I just think it's mean to have someone on tenterhooks for 2 months.

If this was genuinely just a time period he was setting himself to make his decision and the relationship was going to continue as normal during it then he probably wouldnt have told you as you will, whether you try to or not, look at him with expectation and hope throughout which wouldnt be helpful. Then at the end of the two months he could either have proposed or sat down and had a serious conversation about why he doesnt ever want to marry wthout having you all confused and in anticupation for ages.

I'm just trying to say, probably not expressed very well, that I think this is not normal behaviour and I think it's designed to make you feel unsettled but not be able to engage in a conversation about it as he must have his 2 months.

If you're meeting up regularly, it seems odd that he'd phone you rather than speak to you in person.

Oh well, time will tell...

It is an odd, immature and quite selfish thing to do, isn't it? To set this completely abitary 2 month period and leave you hanging while he makes up his mind if he wants you or not? I would take it to mean he is a) shagging someone else but want to keep me there as a security blanket, b) trying to dump me 'subtly', or c) 'best case scenario', he is just stringing out having to tell you he doesnt want to get married, bt does want to continue seeing you on a more casual basis.

None of those options are great for you, though, OP, are they? You shouldn't have to nag someone into marrying you.

Look, if he has known for two years that you want him to propose, and hasn't done so yet, then he ain't going to. Unfortunately, by whining and nagging and constantly reminding him that you are gagging to be married, you have effectively given him all the power in the relationship. I think it's pretty clear that as far as he is concerned you are Ms Will Do For The Moment.

Walk away from this one, and next time don't hang so desperately on the idea of marriage: it's not actually the most important thing in life anyway.

OP I think you are reading into this what you want to see. If he wanted to marry you then he would have asked you, simple as that.