a break before a marraige preposal or is it over?

[LoveStruck]

My boyfriend of 4 years has called me up tonight and told me he needs 2 month to figure out if he wants to get married or not. I've been talking (nagging) to him for almost 2years now and he's always said he's not sure if marriage is for him as his parents had a bad experience as well as a few of his close friends. So this is the first he's ever spoken to me about it without being prompted. He said were still going to speak and meet up in these 2 months but I'm not sure if we should cut contact to really consider our options. I'm also confused with what I should do if he says no... Marriage is something I really want so I don't think I could compromise on that but then I'm not sure if I can deal with loosing him. During the convo he only seemed to focus on what if he says no, so is that his answer? I asked him and he said its 50/50. Do we take these 2 months and take a break for us to gather our and for me to get used to a life without him?

He doesn't know what he wants, and is being as honest as he can I guess.

I think he IS half hoping that you will split up with him, to get him out of this awkward/worrying situation?

Of course, he might feel sad if you BREAK UP WITH HIM, before he comes to a conclusion, but he's obviously willing to take that risk?

I know you don't WANT to lose him, but maybe you will anyway?

So why not put him out of his misery & cut the relationship dead ASAP. If you take control, you will limit your period of hurt, maximise your dignity, and he (hopefully) will suddenly find out how he feels? (He can always come crawling back if he DOES have a change of heart?)

A successful marriage is all about long-term effort/compromises, (not just short term infatuation), but, if/when you DO decide to get married, surely you want to be with someone who can't bear to be/live without you?

So take a big risk & dump him? (Be the brave one if he's too scared?)

I know it's a horrible thought, to be alone again after 4 (good) years, but he might respect you more for taking the decision away from him? And you might be heading for a split soon anyhow?

If you don't split up with him, and the lack of commitment remains, you might never have the opportunity to meet someone else who will truly adore you.

Good luck with whatever you decide/whatever happens. I know it will not an easy time.

With all due respect OP, it's dead in the water. He doesn't want to marry you. End of story. Get out and get your life back.

If you continue as you are but not talking about marriage for 2 months, it's unlikely he'll be ready to commit in 2 months time, he sounds like he's stalling.

A man can quite easily 'waste' 4 years of his life with a woman he doesn't consider to be 'the one' - a lot of men will pick the 'easy' route of staying with someone, but still be looking out for 'the one'. Several friends have ended relationships in their late 20s as they thought they'd found the man they would spend the rest of their lives with, just to discover their man had found someone to have fun with for a bit before he goes to find someone to settle down with. Do not assume the length of your relationship (in which time he hasn't felt the need to propose) automatically means this is forever.

However, that all said, it might be that he's just having a 'wobble' about having to face grown up decisions (rather than just having a girlfriend) rather than wobbling about you. In this case, the best course of action I can see is to give him his 2 months, but tell him you don't want to talk to him, see him or get a text from him in that time. You need some time to get your head round this, you need time to see if he's what you want. That should be enough time for you to get used to the idea of being single if you need to be, and the lack of you in his life for that long should push him one way or another, either he'll be happier without you and end it (best you know now rather than in 10 years time) or he'll miss you terribly and be certain he wants to commit to you for the rest of his life.

Good luck!

I would go and find someone else in that 2 months. I would never put a man under pressure to marry me, when it is quite clear he doesn't to

In the word of The Beautiful South, this is how I would view the situation

Or you could consider why marriage is so important to you?

If he wants to be with you and create a life together why is being married so important to you? I'm not saying you should compromise if it does mean that much to you but it does seem as if he has real reservations about marriage rather than necessarily about you.

I was brought up in a very unhappy situation and have real problems with the whole marriage thing but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be fully committed to the right person.

Oh please don't start thinking he's going to propose.

He's given you a pretty clear message and you should listen to what he's actually saying not what you are guessing he means.

If he wanted to marry you - he'd have asked.

Don't you want to be with someone who really really wants to be with you too?

Marriage actually sucks arse btw. I wouldn't bother.

Have you talked about other things like getting a house together, starting a family etc? Is it just marriage that's the issue or is he generally not sure if he wants to commit long-term? Because marriage is not essential, there are other ways of getting the legal stuff sorted out.

It does sound like you're still at the 'dating' stage of your relationship, e.g. phone calls and sporadically 'meeting up'. It's quite unusual these days to be seriously thinking about marriage before you've even moved in together. Not that it's wrong as such, often there are practical reasons (or personal values) that mean people don't live together first - there was another thread about that just the other day in fact! It's just another thing about the situation that seems a bit odd to me. And maybe another indication that he isn't really serious about the relationship.

Maybe I'm wrong and he is planning a big romantic proposal in May. It's difficult to judge a situation just from a couple of posts from one person's point of view, and maybe we've all got the wrong end of the stick here. But realistically I wouldn't be getting too excited about that proposal just yet...

I went out with someone for 5 years and while I don't think I was actively 'nagging' him, the matter of marriage did crop up every so often. he was a complete committment-phobe.

After 5 years I'd had enough and broke up with him (for many other, bigger reasons) and enjyoed myself for a year before meeting my husband; got engaged after 3 months and married after a year. It'll be 5 years in May and we have a 3yo DS.

I am trying to say what the others have: He's Just Not That Into You. If he was head over heels in love with you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you it bloody well would not take more than a split-second deliberation to decide to get married. A two months break suggests more like he is trying to work out whether to split up with you, not decide whether to propose.

And the fact he sounds completely nonplussed about it all suggests he's already decided - dump him before he gets the chance after this ridiculous break.

Sweetheart, he's pulling away from you whichever way you look at it. I'm sorry.

There could be many reasons for this - impossible for anyone on here to tell without knowing him. But I agree with Pag too - it shouldn't be this hard.

I'm afraid I went to uni with an Indian man who went out with a girl for years and then finished it suddenly to have an arranged marriage - she had had no idea that this was ever a possibility for him as he seemed so westernised.

Even if it's nothing like this, do you want to be treated this way?? Hanging around to see if he wants to marry you? No, tell him in no uncertain terms that he can take a flying jump, that you will find someone who loves and adores you without question. Then flounce off and do just that.

Darn you AF, linking that song is my job.

Oh... and what everyone else says.

some things i've learned the hard way, either through my own exp or that of friends:

1. Nagging is the #1 worst thing to do when you want to get married. You either end up marrying a guy whose heart isn't in it, or, you run him off.

1. Any man over the age of, say, 25 who doesn't propose within two years to a partner who he KNOWS values marriage, is probably not that into her and is waiting for something better to come along.

1. If he wanted to marry you, it would be so completely crystal clear to him after this length of time, that he wouldn't need a second to think about it.

1. Love isn't the only thing that makes a marriage viable. Timing is important too. If you get with a man at the wrong time in his life, he will not want to marry you no matter how compatible you are on paper, and nagging him or waiting around interminably will not make him want to. The timing MUST be spot-on for both parties if the marriage will be successful.

not saying that this guy is going to leave you or at the end of two months say marriage won't happen, but please prepare yourself for that eventuality.

also prepare yourself for him marrying you because he doesn't want to hurt you, but then never properly committing to the marriage because his heart's not in it. Some men will do THE stupidest thing they can possibly do, if it means they can avoid being the "bad guy" in the short term.

Why would you want to marry someone you had to persuade/nag into it? Doesn't that kind of miss the point?

Everyone's advice is spot on, he's probably happy but not keen to marry you. If you want to get married, say yes to a full break (no contact at all, what's the point of a messy break in which you chat/phone but don't see each other) and if he suddenly realises he's made a massive mistake, he can let you know. He won't though.

Ok well I'm with him now and things seem to be as normal as ever between us BUT your all right I still think there is something fishy behind it all. I'm not going to say or do anything apart from prepare myself for a break up and just wait and see what he says in 2 months. It is really cruel but I guess he has finally given me what I want... An honest answer, just with a 2 month wait. I felt quite positive this morning that he will propose but the doubt has crept back. So I'm not going to expect anything, just the worse case scenario. A few months ago I told him that if he's not going to marry me then he has to leave me alone... But he didn't so that again got my hopes up. Thank you all for your input please keep it coming I'm going to need a lot of support as I'm so madly in love with him! And he has been my best friend for 4 years so its hard all around to think about loosing him :(

I'm not going to say or do anything apart from prepare myself for a break up and just wait and see what he says in 2 months. It is really cruel...

That is just really, really sad!

I hope some day you realise you're worth so much more than this!

If you actually think it likely that in two months he is going to dump you then for goodness sake dump him. Have some self respect.

what an example of hope winning over common sense

this bloke must have a golden cock

OP, I hope you're right. I hope he just needs a bit of breathing room to decide he wants to be with you. But prepare for the worse, do you have single female friends who might want to do a girlie long weekend for the Jubliee? If you end up single in May, come June you should be over the crying stage and be up for a giggly weekend. Line up something now, try to line up things with your friends away from him, weekends staying with friends who've settled down else where etc. Make sure you've already got things to look forward too.

OP, he's not going to propose in May. I'm really sorry, but he's just told you he wants the relationship to pause for two months. He's not then going to propose.

I've been in this position and I can tell you the only thing that works is him realising that you may not still be around for him to make a decision.

You should really say brightly, "Oh yes, good idea. I was questioning whether we were right for each other, too. So - we meet up again in two months? Mind you, I'm not sure whether I'm going to be around - I fancy a little trip to Australia for a while, see what I can get up to over there. But yes, sure, if I'm here, we'll meet up."

Begging and persuading and arguing will have the opposite effect. These are natural things to do when he's spoken to you like this - he's pulling away so you push forward. It's natural, but it won't get you anywhere.

Hi OP. When I commented before I thought he had said have a break for 2 months but you've clarified that you're going to sort-of stay together during this time?

My advice still stands though, dump him first. This is for two reasons: 1) as I said before, it seems clear to most of us on here that he really isn't that into you. Anyone who is madly in love with their girlfriend and wants to spend the rest of their life with them (whether they believe in marriage or not) would make it far clearer than this and would make their decision much quicker and easier. They wouldn't string you along. You wouldn't do that to him so why should you put up with it?
2) Dumping him may (if he is the right person for you) kick him into realising that he could lose you forever and propose. It's a long shot but that is what happened to my mum and dad 44 years ago. She dumped him because he wasn't going to propose and that kicked him up the arse to do it. So it does work.

So it's a win-win situation. Either you dump him and he doesn't come back and you've not wasted another second on this drippy twat, or he has a massive shock, can't see his life without you and proposes.

Good luck!

I'd mistrust a knee-jerk proposal on principal.

Op I've been married twice and both times it felt like the right thing to do for both of us. Clearly the first time it wasn't but my point is that nobody had to be persuaded. I think if it hasn't happened by now it's not right. If you dump him now he may well ask you to marry him but that would be as Flanelle said a knee jerk reaction.

I think you should go your own way and wait to meet someone who can't wait to spend the rest of his life with you.