my best friend has fallen out with me because of her TWAT of a H

[MistyMountainHop]

i can't believe i am writing this again....it happened about a year ago too but we (eventually) made it up. i have posted before about this man, he is extremely controlling, emotionally abusive, a cocklodger, sleazy with other women, financially controlling, a shit dad, lazy, doesn;t do anything with their DC, he is basically a mumsnet caricature of the worst DH anyone could have.

anyway this is whats happened. my DH was in a band with my best friends DH, and a couple of weeks ago friends DH's female mate, X, came to try out for the band as a singer. they didn't think she was very good so didn't ask her back. also, just afterwards, my friends DH fell out with her.

then last monday i was at my best friends, and her DH (gleefully) told me the singer had really fancied my DH and she had said he was the "stuff of her fantasies" etc etc. friends DH LOVES to wind me up and knows what i am like, i am the jealous type so, wrongly or rightly, i hit the roof and went and sent X a FB msg warning her not to say such stuff about MY husband (i know. i know. )

X replied back, to say that all she had said was that my DH was attractive but that friends DH had "put a smutty slant on it".... but also that the reason he had said it was to deflect attention from himself - as, in her words, he had a crush on her, had said really inappropriate, sleazy stuff, also saying he wanted to be with her and not his DW, texting her loads, even in the middle of the night etc. and, knowing him, i can WELL believe it.

next thing i know, i had friends DH sending me frantic PMs telling me to stop talking to X, that she was "talking shit" to "try and break up him and DW" etc etc
then my best friend started sending me PMs asking what X had said etc, and asked me to forward them to her and her DH
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so i did. next, i get a PM from my BF saying she was angry with me for messaging X in the first place as it has caused loads of trouble with her and her DH etc etc. well how the hell was i supposed to know that X would come out with this? while i see it was silly to do that, what the F has that got to do with friend and her DH, i couldnt possibly have known that X would come out with all this? she then ended the message by saying she felt she just wanted to be on her own for a bit, she was coming off fb and didn't want to speak to me for a bit.

i haven't heard from her since then. for her to do this is heartbreaking, she is/was my best friend and i miss her so much. but the worst thing is, for one, i have done NOTHING wrong, and for 2, i know this will all have come from her DH. he will have pressured her into stopping speaking to me, as he doesn't like me (or any of her friends) and this is the perfect excuse for him to break up our friendship

he is the most horrible nasty controlling arsehole i have ever known, and now it seems he is a cheat on top of all this but she is too damn blind to see it. or doesnt want to see it.

i can't get in touch with her because he reads her fb messages ( ) , i can't phone her as they share a phone (his phone) and he doesnt work so he is there all the time so i can't go round.

thanks for reading if you got this far :(

Why don't you take it all on Jeremy Kyle, like mature adults?

Good grief, I can't believe this is still rumbling on. Have you made up with your DH yet - I know you were struggling to forgive him on the last thread I replied to. And it seems such a shame that you are now at risk of losing your friend. I bet X had no idea what awful consequences her throw away remark would have for you.

TBh, it sounds as though you have enough going on in your own life - maybe you should take this chance to step back a bit and find some new friends.

You went from 'heartbroken' to 'better off' pretty quickly

^ ladyintheradiator someone can be both^ upset at losing someone but knowing they are probably better off without them you know

piprabbit i didn't fall out out with my DH, are you thinking of a different poster? which thread are you talking about?

to all the people that have said i shouldn't have messaged X. believe me, I Know. I KNOW. it was so stupid of me. :(

honestly, i really wish all of you knew my friends DH personally, then you would properly understand. he is absolute poison. thenorthwitch summed it up really, in her whole post. i hate him so much.

Txting X was stupid, but not the worst thing you did. Forwarding the txts to your friend and her DH was beyond stupid.

He is poison- yet you sent the txts knowing they would BOTH read them, responded to PMs knowing that her DH reads her facebook. If he's so awful and your friend hasn't left him yet, you are MAD to think this was going to go well.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Hopefully your friend is just in a crap relationship, but if it is an abusive one you have really made her life difficult with your self-indulgence.

Grow up!

I think you should all let Jeremy Kyle sort it out for you!!

OP - I'm pretty certain this is your thread, I don't normally link to other threads but as you asked. You seemed really cross with your DH for attracting unwanted attention.

grow the hell up, all of you. Your mate's DH may be a controlling twat but messaging the poor girl.... is also twattish and controlling.

The friend has opened his own can of worms there hasn't he, the idiot!

I think it's good that you forwarded the messages because now she has seen them for herself and he can't accuse you of lying about it / making it up.

Leave her to stew. She is upset with you because she knows by now he is a wrong 'un and you happened to be the one who pointed it out with evidence she will struggle to ignore. She probably won't act on it yet but when she does she will need a friend. She'll be back, try and sympathise with her and give her some space for now.

It sounds like you know you need to work on your jealousy and staying away from morons who push your buttons about it is probably a good starting point, so he's done you a favour really!

AF loving the term Drama Llama - its a new one on me :)

OP I started to read your other thread, but it was too ridiculous, you need to grow up.

Regardless of X being innocent, there are bound to be silly little girls women who get drunk at gigs and think he is hot.

Will you get this wound up by all of them.

You sound controlling yourself. You are all better off out of this toxic friendship. I hope DH has left the band, as it cant be good for your relationship, for him to spend gigging and practicising time with someone you loath.

oh, and discussing your BF husband with some random woman is a HUGE no no as well, I would be livid about that if I was your former BF.

yep pip thats my thread

i didn't actually fall out with my dh over it though, he had done nothing wrong! (other than being very fit ;) ) i just was annoyed at the situation, not him

aaargh what a mess

and thanks fluffy ...love the name btw

OP, I am suprised that you were quite happy to reveal all the 'she said, he said' shit. I would have kept quiet and if her or her husband or the woman that had a crush on your husband, wanted to know what's going on, I would have told them to talk to each other.

OP, Your situation sounds very similar to one that I was in. I, too, was with a controlling, twattish, cheating a-hole and unfortunately, I told my best friend far too much of what was going on in my relationship with him.

Unfortunately, she read that as giving her the green light to interfere and demand to know every detail of what he was/wasn't doing. On reflection, I realise that she was only reacting on what I had told her and had only met him once.

Fast forward a few weeks' later. My best friend basically gave me an ultimatum. 'If you get back with that c*nt, I will never speak to you again'. This went on for a few days and I felt quite bullied into having to choose between him and her

I then made the choice to ditch them both. Yes, I miss our friendship and I know that she was only looking out for my best interests. But she was becoming the exact same person that she was trying to sheild me from. Controlling.

Step away...

op, if someone made a comment about me being attractive, and my dh went behind my back and sent them threatening texts/facebook messages/whatever I would start to seriously question the future of my relationship. The fact you admit you were wrong is irrelevant here - the fact you did it in the first place is the issue.

You say your friend's dh is controlling, but actually you are no better than him.

Imagine the thread:

"I sing in a band, recently we tried out a new male lead singer, afterward my friend told me that apparently he'd said I was pretty hot. I just laughed it off really, and we didn't hire the bloke anyway. Anyway a few days later I discovered that dh had contacted this bloke via fb and warned him off. I'm absolutely livid - he has made me feel like a twat for one, and secondly I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't respond to his comments, and anyway they were made out of my earshot."

Wanna guess what the resposes would be? Let's see...

"your dh sounds like he is very controlling. It's not a crime for another bloke to find you fancyable, your dh should be glad that other men find you attractive, as long as you hadn't done anything then he has no right to go behind your back and humilliate you like this. Is he controlling in other ways? What redeaming features does he have? He needs to grow up..." shall I go on?

You are no better than your friend's dh IMO.

Can't believe you messaged that woman! Do you have no self respect?! Honestly, you sound deranged and dare I say it, as bad as your BF's husband! Sorry about all the ! but I am genuinely flabbergasted.

I am also very insecure like yourself so I can relate, and have infact in similar situations but would/could never tell another woman to keep herself away from my DP. You said yourself that this husband of your friend likes to wind you up, so why the fuck did you let him?! You must have known he was pushing your buttons on purpose. Why react to it?

On a seperate note, bet this woman is very fucking relieved to not be in your DH's band! She must think you're all arseholes!

I haven't read the linked thread, but I wonder what's really behind all this? None of your actions are those of an emotionally healthy person in a secure relationship.

I think your friend's partner is a red herring. He is a bit-part player who has manipulated the situation because he knows what you're like.

The real problem is why you are, like you are.

I wondered whether this scenario triggered something?

Was your husband already in a relationship when you met him and was this how it started with you two? I.e you let it be known you found him attractive and he followed up on your cues?

Did you think your husband had found this woman attractive himself? The only explanation for you haranguing this woman must be that you don't trust your husband to deal with a woman who likes him and that you have prior knowledge that this is generally all it takes for your husband to be attracted in return.

I also have to say that I find it odd that this woman a) is friends with a man who if your description is accurate, would send most sane women running for the hills and would certainly not be a candidate for 'friendship' and b) made a comment in the first place about your husband's attractiveness. It's not something I can imagine myself doing to a male friend, mainly because I wouldn't want it getting back to the man and misinterpreted as a signal. I have to wonder what her motives were in this? Did she want your husband to hear this and manipulated your friend's H knowing what a complete shit-stirrer he is? Or alternatively, is there something going on between her and your friend's husband and she wanted to make him jealous?

And yet here you are showing disloyalty to your best friend by discussing how stupid she is to stay with him, with a woman whose motives towards her are far from clear. If you think your friend's husband is a dick, you should tell her but hold your tongue with everyone else.

The real issue here is you though and why you are so insecure and jealous. Maybe you have reason to be and you're protecting your husband in your posts? You do seem to idolise him and it doesn't sound entirely healthy.

I take the view that most people are not born jealous and paranoid. Either they've got reason to be that way because of a partner's past or current behaviour or because their own past or current behaviour has been dodgy and there is some projection going on.

to charbon thanks for your post. it was really very intuitive.

me and DH met as i was a singer and he joined my band. what actually happened was he saw the band and decided he liked the look of me so applied to join when we advertised for a drummer. basically he only applied because he fancied me. yes, he was with someone, but he pursued me and as soon as we got together he split up with the person. we have now been together over 4 years and have a nearly 3 yo.

i miss being in a band, but i think at 32 i am now too old tbh. plus i am so busy with work and the DC etc. so i think maybe thats part of it, although i don't mind him being in a band at all, i do miss it myself. i miss that part of me.

i wouldn't say i "idolise" him as such, but i do think he is absolutely gorgeous and not sure what he sees in me! i used to be pretty good looking in my 20's but i think its fading a bit now :( but he is 40 and still fit as, wheres the justice eh :)

i am in Cbt counselling at the moment for lots of reasons, i have been on AD's since september and have lots of unresolved stuff stemming back to my childhood that i am trying to deal with.

I see. Well I'll speculate further that he was attached with children and you were younger than his partner when he decided to go after you, that this other singer is younger than you and that you have fears that history was going to repeat itself. Did his ex partner react in anger and hurt when he left because of an affair with you? So were you replaying her 'role' to an extent, in this scenario? Would it horrify you to think you were in any way like his ex in your responses to situations?

It also sounds as though you've in the past defined yourself by your looks, youth and attractiveness to men. I wonder whether your husband reinforces this at times and feeds your insecurities? I wonder what he told you about his justifications for seeking an affair and getting out of his relationship and whether these too are preying on you now?

If he's 40 and still in a band, why are you too old at 32? Is that gendered and if so, where does that come from? Why did you give this up but your husband didn't?

I'm interested in your husband's role in all this and wonder what impact he has had on your current depression and your need for CBT. You mention childhood issues, but these also impact on our choice of partner so I hope you are discussing your current life as well as your childhood.

I wonder for example does he 'get' family life and the role of fatherhood? Whether he views family life as a package and allows you to be yourself in the relationship - and not a 'prize' that it's your responsibility to keep polished if you are going to keep him? I wonder if you can relax with him and let your guard down? I wonder does he see behind the gloss and know the woman underneath? Do you feel you can 'show' yourself to him, or do you feel that you have to present an image and personality that will please him, even if that's not who you are any more? Would he still love the 'real you'?

In summary I don't think this squabble has anything much to do with your friend and her relationship, but I think it's telling that you've expended more efforts on the threatening woman singer than you have on offering support to your friend. I think you see yourself in her and you're trying to befriend her and nullify the threat that you once were to another woman's relationship. Be wary and be kind to the woman who needs you more - and recognise how much this drama was about your life and not hers at all.

charbon yep, you are right. i am 10 years younger than his ex and yes he has DC with her. the singer is about the same age as me. his last relationship wasn't working as they had been together since they were very young, had DC young, were tied through finances etc and he just felt they had outgrown eachother. i actually think its really cowardly to wait until you have met someone else to leave a relationship, but it happens doesnt it, and i think men are more guilty of this than women.

i would agree that i have definitely defined myself by my looks, i always felt i didn't have much to offer other than my looks. i was a gawky teen but in my 20's seemed to grow into my looks i guess and suddenly got a lot of male attention. but i still didn't like myself much as i was stuck in a relationship where the man put me down a lot and made me feel shit about myself. i was scared no one else would want me so i stayed with him out of fear. it took having a DC with this man to find the courage to get out (as strange as that sounds!) and then only a few months after getting out of that relationship, i fell head over heels for my now DH

as far as i can see, he is really happy with me. he is very loving, kind, generous, brilliant with our DC and has taken my first DC on as his own. we have great sex and everything is really good other than i suffer from these insecurities. he is very demonstrative and always tells me how much he loves me, that i am beautiful and sexy etc. he has even said to me that he doesn't feel good enough for me and i am out of his league etc.

and yeah, he loves being a dad, and being a family. and we can, and do, relax with eachother. he has seen me at my worst times (ie, post CS, being ill, suffering a massive allergic reaction where i was rushed to a+e, throwing my guts up every day with morning sickness etc etc). so no, believe me, i don;t "present an image" - in fact i am probably in joggers with hair tied back and no make up on half the time!

as for the band thing, yeah, i guess it is gendered. i dunno, i just wouldn;t feel comfortable singing on stage like i used to in my 20's. cant really put my finger on it. its just "different" for men somehow!

anyway, i have rambled. thanks for taking the time to write your reply, it was interesting and has given me food for thought x
.

charbon you manage to find the crux of the matter even amongst the "wtf were you doing" posts and OP's apparent inability to leave a ridiculous situation alone

that is some seriously impressive shit

i know AF

:o

No I definitely don't know you in RL Misty and no special powers

But I've seen this situation play out a lot in real life with similar impacts.

Plus I like to read between the lines of what someone is saying and often pick up on what isn't said.

So there's a clash here as I see it Misty between your sanctioned and learnt version of the start of your relationship and what that says about your partner/what it means for your relationship - and the doubts you might have deep down about that. Those doubts haven't yet been 'permitted' by your cognitive self, so they get acted out in your behaviour and response to something else.

I noticed that you said that 'as far as I can see, he is really happy with me' yet you omit to mention your happiness and satisfaction with him. And you are on anti-depressants and receiving CBT. In relation to the latter, your sanctioned and learnt version of why is because of your childhood issues, yet something about how you feel and behave now has propelled you to seek help, so it could be again that you can't allow your cognitive self to admit that you aren't just feeling these things because of the distant past, but because of some things that aren't sitting well in your life right now.

Your 'version' of how you met is that your husband was in an unhappy relationship that failed because he was too young and only survived because of the children and the financial ties. You acknowledge that your husband was 'weak' to leave only when he had an escape plan but your cognitive story appears to be that he only left because he was unhappy and had an alternative. And of course we've all heard this story trotted out by people a million times in RL so it becomes an acceptable cliche and goes unchallenged.

Why then, if you truly believe those were your husband's reasons and that he is happy with you, would this singer have been a threat to you?

Now you might tell yourself that these are your issues about jealousy and you might get some people telling you that you are worrying over nothing because he is happy with you and 'chose you' but I think your 'acting out' of that inner voice is entirely logical although misplaced and misdirected in this scenario. I think you should listen to that voice and see where it takes you, but in a safe space that is contained and won't cause damage like the current drama.

The ways to bring this out cognitively are to examine other people's version of the story i.e his older children's, his ex-wife's, your husband's own internal 'story' of why he was unfaithful and the parts of himself that have been allowed to go unchallenged by both of you, because it has been too uncomfortable for either of you to live with. Perhaps you could both read things that challenge the story (but I have the feeling that in the past material like that has possible made you angry) and dig a bit deeper.

Then think about what's happening now in your relationship, in his behaviour and in yours that's causing some of this stuff to bubble over and present in outward symptoms such as your mental health, friendship dramas, over-identification with a friend's abusive marriage. I expect there have been other fallings-out and difficult relationships/interactions elsewhere that you can recall and might all be misplaced vehicles for your anger and doubts that dare not speak their name.

Something's not sitting well with you Misty about the 'stories' you've settled on, about the past and more apposite, the present. I think until you start to challenge some of them, these 'projection skirmishes' will gather apace and cause you and others more unhappiness. If you're in therapy, it would be a good time to address it all but you might find that CBT doesn't hit the spot with this one.