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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my best friend has fallen out with me because of her TWAT of a H

50 replies

MistyMountainHop · 13/03/2012 10:40

i can't believe i am writing this again....it happened about a year ago too but we (eventually) made it up. i have posted before about this man, he is extremely controlling, emotionally abusive, a cocklodger, sleazy with other women, financially controlling, a shit dad, lazy, doesn;t do anything with their DC, he is basically a mumsnet caricature of the worst DH anyone could have.

anyway this is whats happened. my DH was in a band with my best friends DH, and a couple of weeks ago friends DH's female mate, X, came to try out for the band as a singer. they didn't think she was very good so didn't ask her back. also, just afterwards, my friends DH fell out with her.

then last monday i was at my best friends, and her DH (gleefully) told me the singer had really fancied my DH and she had said he was the "stuff of her fantasies" etc etc. friends DH LOVES to wind me up and knows what i am like, i am the jealous type so, wrongly or rightly, i hit the roof and went and sent X a FB msg warning her not to say such stuff about MY husband (i know. i know. Blush )

X replied back, to say that all she had said was that my DH was attractive but that friends DH had "put a smutty slant on it".... but also that the reason he had said it was to deflect attention from himself - as, in her words, he had a crush on her, had said really inappropriate, sleazy stuff, also saying he wanted to be with her and not his DW, texting her loads, even in the middle of the night etc. and, knowing him, i can WELL believe it.

next thing i know, i had friends DH sending me frantic PMs telling me to stop talking to X, that she was "talking shit" to "try and break up him and DW" etc etc
then my best friend started sending me PMs asking what X had said etc, and asked me to forward them to her and her DH
.
so i did. next, i get a PM from my BF saying she was angry with me for messaging X in the first place as it has caused loads of trouble with her and her DH etc etc. well how the hell was i supposed to know that X would come out with this? while i see it was silly to do that, what the F has that got to do with friend and her DH, i couldnt possibly have known that X would come out with all this? she then ended the message by saying she felt she just wanted to be on her own for a bit, she was coming off fb and didn't want to speak to me for a bit.

i haven't heard from her since then. for her to do this is heartbreaking, she is/was my best friend and i miss her so much. but the worst thing is, for one, i have done NOTHING wrong, and for 2, i know this will all have come from her DH. he will have pressured her into stopping speaking to me, as he doesn't like me (or any of her friends) and this is the perfect excuse for him to break up our friendship

he is the most horrible nasty controlling arsehole i have ever known, and now it seems he is a cheat on top of all this but she is too damn blind to see it. or doesnt want to see it.

i can't get in touch with her because he reads her fb messages ( Hmm ) , i can't phone her as they share a phone (his phone) and he doesnt work so he is there all the time so i can't go round.

thanks for reading if you got this far :(

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 13/03/2012 10:45

I'm so sorry.

She is making you the scapegoat, because she isn't (yet) willing to face the fact that her H sucks. The messages she read made her unhappy, so she is pinning the blame on someone, anyone (you, X), in order to make sense of her pain, and in order to not make her H responsible for it.

There isn't much you can do, I'm afraid. Her issues, her choice. You can't make her see sense - it's a conclusion only she can come to, and in her own time.

tiredemma · 13/03/2012 10:53

He sounds like a right cunt.

BelleEnd · 13/03/2012 10:57

Poor X.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 13/03/2012 11:02

i know, i feel awful for X

i have apologised profusely to her for messaging her in the first place, it was hot headed and immature of me :(

btw, X is married with DC too, so it makes it even more wrong that my friends DH has been pursuing her

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 13/03/2012 11:06

poor you. You can't do anything...until she is ready to blame HIM for what is wrong, then she's taking it out on you.

If you can, try to forgive her...she is in an abusive relationship and goodness knows what goes on behind those closed doors....what you have seen is bad enough.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2012 11:09

While she's under the influence of this man she's making poor decisions, alienating friends and will end up isolated. That's usually what the men want from the situation, ie. to separate people from their friends who are likely to tell them the truth. Of course, she doesn't want to believe the worst of him because few people like to admit they've made a poor choice of partner. I'd suggest you send her a short letter or a card saying that you'll respect her privacy but, should she ever need your help, you'll be there. Then get on with the rest of your life and let her get on with hers.

Mumsyblouse · 13/03/2012 11:58

I think you should have kept out of it though, who knows what really went on between your DH/X/her DH? Perhaps she did actually fancy your husband (flattering, but why text her about it?) Perhaps her DH did come on to her, or perhaps she said that to deflect attention away from you on the rampage?

None of you come out of this that well, really, it all sounds a bit childish and 'he said, she said', if you go round texting women who happen to remark on your husband's attractiveness, provoking them into a response, this is what happens.

I feel sorry for your friend, her husband does sound awful, but that's why you should absolutely keep away from the situation, not get stuck in.

kaluki · 13/03/2012 12:42

How old are you all? 13?
You should all grow up a bit and behave like adults!
Did you seriously text the woman warning her off your DH?

Hmm

mojitomania · 13/03/2012 13:07

Sorry OP but it does all sound a bit silly. Her Husband does sound like a bit of a pig but you have jealousy issues that you need to work on.

TheLittlestGoat · 13/03/2012 13:13

Is this still rumbling on from your thread about it last week?

You all need to grow the fuck up by the sounds of it.

Bellstar · 13/03/2012 13:20
letseatgrandma · 13/03/2012 13:29

Are you all 12!?

nizlopi · 13/03/2012 14:05

God, I couldn't make it through all this.

GROW. THE. FUCK. UP.

Life is way too short for this bullshit.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 13/03/2012 15:31

yeah, i know i was a dick for messaging the woman, i have apologised to her, and she is fine with me now, in fact we have been chatting about what a prize tosser friends DH is.

and yeah thelittlest i wrote a thread about it last week (what was supposedly said re my dh) little did i know how it would turn out, jeez

as an aside, i do think i am better off without her and her cock of a dh. today i went to visit one of my other friends. she is not even 30 yet but lost her grandmother at christmas and now her mother has been diagnosed terminal cancer aged just 49. her dh is also facing losing his job and they are swamped in money troubles. and it really made me think...some people have real problems.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 13/03/2012 15:40

FGS I know year 10s with more maturity.

"I've done nothing wrong!!" you wail.

Well apart from messaging some poor woman accusing her of all sorts and saying "Stay away from my man you slaaaaaaaaag" on the say so of someone you KNOW to be a shit-stirring mysogynist liar then no you've done nothing wrong at all Hmm

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 13/03/2012 16:34

yes balloonslayer if you look back on my posts you will see that i have already admitted it was stupid to message the woman

but my point is, that has NOTHING to do with my friend other than the woman then said the things she said about her DH. so while i SHOULDN'T have messaged the woman, there is no need for my friend to fall out with me over it ffs.

OP posts:
ChitChatFlyingby · 13/03/2012 16:35

Most people last week said to forget about the supposed comments she had said, and to just be flattered that someone thought your DH was attractive.

WHY did you txt her?????

After she had txt you back, why the hell did you forward the txts to your friend and her DH? What good did you honestly think would come out of it?!!!

He may be a controlling dick, but you were completely out of order. It was obvious from the start that this would blow up in your face but you clearly you are so in love with the drama that you just didn't care.

Take a long hard look at yourself, you seriously need to do some growing up.

ChitChatFlyingby · 13/03/2012 16:36

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FORWARDED THE MESSAGES EITHER!!!!!

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 13/03/2012 16:42

because they ASKED me to Hmm

if someone was saying these kind of things about MY dh i would want to see the messages too!

OP posts:
ChitChatFlyingby · 13/03/2012 16:57

Tell me, what did you honestly think would happen?

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 13/03/2012 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 13/03/2012 17:30

I bet X is feeling good about not getting that singing gig.

Mumsyblouse · 13/03/2012 19:09

I don't think you are taking responsibility at all for forwarding the messages, how on earth do you know that X is telling the truth either? She might be stirring it up (now you and her are besties and slagging off the other husband). She may have encouraged him and got a knock-back, who knows?

This is why you don't engage, just walk away. I agree that you are better focusing on friends with real problems.

AnyFucker · 13/03/2012 19:32

oh dear

even your post at 15:31 suggests that you take far too much interest in other people's lives and in fact, appear to be somewhat of a drama llama

look, accept your friend's husband is an arsehole and you have lost her friendship, possibly temporarily, because of your silly behaviour

now stop racking up soap operas out of stuff that is really just a load of ole cobblers, and cncentrate on your own relationship

TheNorthWitch · 13/03/2012 21:02

I'll bet your BF's DH is having a right good laugh at all the shit he's stirred up - he pushed your buttons and sat back to enjoy the show! He also cut off your friend from a source of support - nice day of work for him.

You need to guard your 'buttons' when you are dealing with an abuser - they are very clever at knowing where your weak spots are and triggering them. If you want to help your friend then be aware of how to deal with them - No Contact as much as possible, be as neutral as you can - don't let them wind you up - they love that. Be aware of your vulnerabilities and let it go over your head - don't respond.

He sounds awful but until your bf wakes up to that there is nothing you can do
but be there for her and that is exactly what her DH is trying to destroy - her lifelines.

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