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Original poster

DP doesn't like gentle sex...

50 replies

jackandthebeansprout · 13/03/2012 08:44

I think i am pretty naive WRT sexual preferences, and this is probably where my question is coming from. DP and I (together for 4 years) have always had a great energetic sex life, lots of fun bonking Grin , but very little in the way of gentle lovey sex. I never really thought about it before, esp as he is a really lovely snuggly cuddly person, just not when we are having sex. DS was born 18 months ago and sex took a while to come back but is more or less back, just much less frequently. We are both tired and I am not too worried about this, think it is normal. But I have noticed much more that DP doesn't particularly enjoy gentle lovey sex. I have been much calmer with sexual wants since DS arrived, and I have noticed that when i direct sex more this way he loses his erection. He clearly finds rougher energetic and sex with a bit of dirty talk (I am not talking S&M by any means!) much more appealing. Is this normal? Thanks guys, I am a wee bit naive and conservative on the whole sexual front, so would love to know what else goes on out there! Grin

OP posts:
KatAndKit · 13/03/2012 08:47

The more important question is whether or not he is interested in what you want rather than just in satisfying his own needs all the time. A good partner will want to know what you enjoy so that you are both happy. If you aren't enjoying rough sex then you need to talk to him about it.

There's no such thing as "normal" really, everyone is different. But just because he enjoys something doesn't mean that you have to.

Original poster
jackandthebeansprout · 13/03/2012 08:51

No, no, he is considerate and is definitely interested in what I want....but if I want gentle sex he is much less turned on (he will go with it and wants to do things which i like)...but obviously if he is less turned on, this can be a problem Wink

OP posts:
KatAndKit · 13/03/2012 08:59

If he is less turned on by gentler sex to the point of losing his erection on a regular basis, and he has no difficulty keeping it up during rougher sex, I'd have a problem with that personally. I'd wonder why pleasing me didn't turn him on but being rough with me did.
And, I know its almost a cliché on here on these sorts of threads, but I'd wonder if he was using pornography a lot or not.

I think it's ok to be turned on by rough sex if you both enjoy it. But if it is the only thing that turns you on, and you can't manage gentler more "loving" sex any more, that's a problem.

Well, it would be a problem for me anyway.

Original poster
jackandthebeansprout · 13/03/2012 09:04

yes, i think you have said exactly what is in my head...it is a problem for me. Don't quite know how to go about it though.

He is definitely not using porn. Football is his porn! We have just the one laptop with no passwords and we do actually spend ALL our time together as a family, more or less.

OP posts:
CardgamesFTW · 13/03/2012 09:16

When I hear "rough sex" I get the idea of sex where both partners are mutually rough with each other, ie not treating each others with kid gloves or something. But it seems in many cases it's a code word for man being rough and unpleasant towards the woman only. Is that the case? Because if he can only be turned on by treating you in a less pleasant and respectful way then I'd be very offended and vary, too!

CuriousMama · 13/03/2012 09:29

No that isn't normal. Wonder why he can't enjoy gentle sex? It's ok if both parties enjoy it of course.

nizlopi · 13/03/2012 09:30

Um... ask him?

Original poster
jackandthebeansprout · 13/03/2012 09:36

No, when i mean rough, i don't mean actually treating me roughly so much, more that he likes to have sex...god, can't believe i'm talking so publicly, so unlike me...for example, having sex quite hard from behind...

very Blush to being so open about this, so please be kind!

yes, nizlopi i should talk to him. I will. I just wanted other opinions on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
jackandthebeansprout · 13/03/2012 09:37

curiousmama i think he can enjoy gentle sex, but that he wouldn't have an orgasm from it...

OP posts:
CardgamesFTW · 13/03/2012 09:54

So basically he only has an erection and orgasm if he controls everything, and screws porno style and doesn't please you. If you initate something and want nice, loving treatment he loses his erection?! Dude sounds problematic and selfish :/

LaurieFairyCake · 13/03/2012 09:56

If he stops masturbating for a couple of weeks he should be able to go slower and still maintain an erection.

Men wank much harder and faster than we do with our vaginas and the cock gets used to if and becomes desensitised.

It's a perfectly normal and common problem.

QuintessentialyHollow · 13/03/2012 10:01

You will be "tighter" if taken from behind. Equally if you lift your legs in the air, and keep them to the side of his head, so you clench.

Blush

I took a while to "firm" after ds2.

But to me it sounds like what you and your dp is doing is not engaging in lovemaking together, but him using your body to satisfy himself. Only you know if this is the truth, though...

DinahMoHum · 13/03/2012 10:52

i think its quite normal to have a preference, and as long as hes trying to please you, even though he doesnt find it quite as exciting, thats pretty fair.

fiventhree · 13/03/2012 11:09

I do wonder about this.

I am 51 and had quite alot of partners (for anything up to 2 years, but some for far less) until I met my H when I was 29. I would consider I was sexually experienced, and open minded.

Whilst not disapproving of it at all, I do think that sex has changed for quite alot of people, and for quite alot of younger people.

When I was younger, I cant remember anyone interested in anal sex much, or only doing it from behind, etc. That isnt to say lots of people weren't, of course, just that I didn't come across them.

I am not going to be drawn into the effects of porn/the film industry generally/cosmo magazine etc etc, but I do think alot of men's sexual appetites have changed, and many women's too.

There seems to be so much more an element of 'performance' about it, in the theatrical sense. I think we have gained something fun from that, but maybe lost something too?

KatAndKit · 13/03/2012 11:25

I think you have a valid point about the element of "performance".

BertieBotts · 13/03/2012 12:25

Is it necessarily a problem if he doesn't have an orgasm? After all, it's virtually universally accepted that some women cannot orgasm from penetrative sex alone and this isn't taken to be a problem.

If he finds it frustrating then perhaps he could finish himself off afterwards by hand, or you could by any other method, or take a sort of "sandwich" approach where you spend a while concentrating on him with oral/hand type sex etc until he comes, then he spends some time purely on you which gives him time to regain an erection, and then progress onto sex but because he has already come, it's more about you. (Some women like to have an orgasm first too, personally I don't, but up to you of course! :))

Sex doesn't have to be about orgasms all the time, sometimes it's nice just to have the closeness.

kaluki · 13/03/2012 12:36

Couldn't you start slowly till you are 'done' then finish off a bit more roughly for him?

DinahMoHum · 13/03/2012 12:42

thing is, gentle sex doesnt provide nearly as much friction, so its mostly about the psychological loving part of sex rather than the physical, so id say its perfectly normal to not be able to come from that even if youre aroused. I dont think id come easily from slow gentle stimulation

BertieBotts · 13/03/2012 12:51

That's true too Dinah. I really like slow gentle sex but I know I can't orgasm from it. It has to be fast and repetitive, which sometimes I don't want.

If I'm not in the mood for fast/hard sex I can't do it without it being extremely uncomfortable, physically and mentally for me.

Malificence · 13/03/2012 13:00

Losing his erection during gentler sex isn't normal though. That indicates a problem, either physical or psychological. A decent cock ring could help, it will keep the blood in place and make him more sensitive, although slow , gentle sex can be even more intense than hard and fast if you're doing it in the right postion and at the right angle.

scarletforya · 13/03/2012 13:04

I think it's normal. 'Gentle, lovey sex' does nothing for me whatsoever. In fact it's an awful turn off. People are just hard wired differently with regards to sex. There are no rights and wrongs to it!

DinahMoHum · 13/03/2012 13:07

i wouldnt bring up with him that you think theres a problem though. I think that would unecessarily undermine his confidence if hes still into sex.
If youve always had sex in one type of way that you loved, and then your partner decides they dont like that sort of sex anymore and want to do it in a different way, which youre not as keen on, but still do it, just dont find it as arousing, then they tell you youve got a problem, then d think that was a bit mean.

I think the trick will be to both try and meet each others needs. As long as he doesnt think that all sex is going to be soft and gentle, and you still like a fun more rougher type of sex now and again, then it hopefully wont develop into a big issue

QuintessentialyHollow · 13/03/2012 13:09

I agree with Malificence. Sometimes really slow can be really explosive.

temperance17 · 13/03/2012 13:32

another woman here agreeing with this:

"I think it's normal. 'Gentle, lovey sex' does nothing for me whatsoever. In fact it's an awful turn off. People are just hard wired differently with regards to sex. There are no rights and wrongs to it!"

Malificence · 13/03/2012 13:34

Gentle stimulation may not cause orgasm but a man losing his erection during any part of sex, isn't normal , unless he has underlying issues.

Erections don't just disappear, they take minutes to subside, even after orgasm.

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