DP doesn't like gentle sex...

[jackandthebeansprout]

I think i am pretty naive WRT sexual preferences, and this is probably where my question is coming from. DP and I (together for 4 years) have always had a great energetic sex life, lots of fun bonking , but very little in the way of gentle lovey sex. I never really thought about it before, esp as he is a really lovely snuggly cuddly person, just not when we are having sex. DS was born 18 months ago and sex took a while to come back but is more or less back, just much less frequently. We are both tired and I am not too worried about this, think it is normal. But I have noticed much more that DP doesn't particularly enjoy gentle lovey sex. I have been much calmer with sexual wants since DS arrived, and I have noticed that when i direct sex more this way he loses his erection. He clearly finds rougher energetic and sex with a bit of dirty talk (I am not talking S&M by any means!) much more appealing. Is this normal? Thanks guys, I am a wee bit naive and conservative on the whole sexual front, so would love to know what else goes on out there!

I meant it is normal for some people (male or female) to not prefer gentle sex.

of course they can. Men arent machines. If they stop being as aroused then they cna lose their erection. Have you never felt your arousal level fluctuate after youve got turned on? I know I have. Only difference is women can hide it and it can come back. If a man does, theres no hiding it and the woman immediately feels insulted

Imagine if you said such a sweeping statement about womens bodies?
Women dont just feel turned off all of a sudden.

Yes, I get that, but people are concentrating on the wrong issue imo, I'd find it very worrying if my DH suddenly lost his erection during sex, so would he.
Plus, only enjoying sexual activity in one particular way is hardly conducive to a decent sex life, good sex isn't a matter of one or the other, it's about variety.

I disagree with Dinah about not raising this as a problem because it is a problem and you would like to create a joint solution. Talking honestly about sex as a couple promotes intimacy and from what you've said, the sex your partner exclusively enjoys is erotic but not intimate. To the extent that the inclusion of intimacy in the sex you are having impairs his sexual response.

How often does your partner masturbate and if he doesn't use porn, what images (if any) provide his 'triggers' during masturbation? The poster upthread might be right that excessive masturbation may have incurred a loss of physical sensation, but my sense of this is that it is psychological rather than physiological. Preferring a sexual position where he is unable to see his partner's face and her reactions also suggests that he is more turned on by the 'facelessness' and inanimateness of a partner than he is by a connection with a real-life sensory person with feelings.

Ultimately I don't see how you can solve this without talking about it and discussing your individual needs - not in a blaming or shaming way but by means of exploration and finding a mutually agreeable solution.

I like BertieBotts ideas. What do you think OP, gonna talk to him about it?

Erections do just disappear, have personal and professional experience of this!
There may well be an underlying problem for many, but sometimes it seems they just pack up and go.

I have friends and counselling clients who have no obvious health problems e.g. diabetes (been checked out) where losing erections is a not uncommon experience.

One man I know has always occasionally lost his erections from age 19, now in his fifties, and it has always happened. He has had long term relationships and is happily married with 2 kids, no major health or relationship problems.

I have female friend , early fifties, her sex drive has increased through the years, but can only come with really hard , almost furious masturbation...and she really does not like gentle slow sex.

Diffr'nt strokes for diffr'nt folks eh

i dunno, i agree about talking about things being very important, but i think it would need to be handled delicately and sensitively (not like the sex :P ) because otherwise it could make things worse

I am also not really into 'love making' type sex which I think is what you mean here. DH and I have been together for 10 years and I can count on one hand the number of times we have had slow gentle sex. Depends how you see it I guess. We like it a bit dirty but I suppose we are lucky it is both of us. I don't see there is anything wrong with your DH as long as he wants you to be happy too and you alternate the types of sex you have I don't see the problem.

OP, you have had some great advice above but I just wanted to pick up on one aspect

don't make the mistake of going along with the idea that the only "good" or "complete" sex is sex where the male partner has an orgasm

just a thought

It can also be an age thing/diabetes; men who had no issues with erections can develop issues or even not be able to get it up at all as they get older/have health problems. There's an estimate that about 40% over 40 have some type of erectile dysfunction, although that's probably just a slogan. If it's a bit 'iffy' to start with, it may be only vigorous exercise keeps it up.

Ask him what's happening and why it doesn't happen as much if you do the things you like, it may be physical, it may be psychological, but as we all age/change with children/get health issues, it's better to be frank about these things.

I'm not really into gentle lovemaking either. I mean, I would probably go along with it if DP really wanted too but it's not my cup of tea.

Tell him you want to do slow, gentle sex sometimes even if he doesn't orgasm. It's only fair that you both get to do what you like.

Gentle sex does absolutely nothing for me. I can't help it. Gentle sex doesn't feel as good for me. Of course you want to have sex that the other person enjoys too but it is not a turn on just to see someone else enjoying themselves when you aren't.

If I was a male I would definitely lose my erection during gentle sex. I don't think that's a problem. Or at least it wouldn't be if you weren't wanting gentle sex.

I would just be bored by gentle sex. I mean really bored.

I don't think this is so much of a problem that he is creating, rather just mismatched sexual preferences.

Malificence - variety isn't necessary if both partners are into the same one thing. Unfortunately that's not the case here.

Taken me a little while to get the time today to read through all this, so sorry for being quiet. Thanks so much everyone, for offering your ideas, concerns, experiences and also for helping me understand a bit better about sexual preferences :) I really am a bit naive! and i've never been massively confident.

I do enjoy sex with DP, we have always enjoyed sex together and I don't think we are mismatched so much, and he definitely cares about me enjoying myself, he doesn't 'use' me in the slightest, and no, i think he likes to look at my face as well as my ass . He's a good guy. I'll def have a chat with him, and we'll just have to have a little bit of experimenting, but i think good advice bertie not to approach it as a problem, as that will probably make him really paranoid and set us up to fail. I think he is entitled to his sexual preference, bit i will keep my eye out that there aren't any underlying problemos. But I also haven't just suddenly totally gone off sex how we used to have it, I just want more variety, yes, a little good old fashioned lovemaking!...so we'll have a little talk about that. It is good to know that some of you (men and ladies) out there are not into slow gentle sex, that it is normal :) and i think him losing his erection isn't that he doesn't like being with me, but a physical thing, maybe right about getting too used to fast wanking. Gonna have a chat with him about those long early morning showers he takes

Was really hard for me to write this post, i am a wee bit shy on the whole sex front, and this is not a conversation I could have had in RL, so big big thank yous to you all!

anyfucker good point...i do think i worry that he has to have an orgasm...time to stop doing that!! need to start thinking 'me me me' more!

I'll let you all know how we get on but thanks, feeling confident about this now.

smiley over-kill?

Sounds like you've had plenty of good advice OP - but be wary of listening to the posters who think that 'gentle' sex is in some way morally superior to the more vigorous style. People like different things. Being a good or a bad partner, in or out of bed, isn't necessarily about specific acts, it's about your overall attitude.
Though it is definitely true that a good sex life should include both partners getting their needs met, even if that isn't always necessarily going to lead to orgasm for both in the same session.

thanks sgb i like what you have written.

jack, his orgam is his own affair, it isn't your "job" to make sure it happens for him (beyond share and share alike, of course)

make sure you get what you need too

I find hard/rough sex a bit off putting unless I am very turned on and DH prefers it, so I sympathise OP. I have noticed this esp since giving birth, perhaps to do with muscle damage/bad tear, so I am cautious about going too hard - can feel pressure on my scar tissue.

Not sure what the answer is, or if there is an answer to this.

Perhaps as others have said here, you have different sexual preferences and sex will involve compromise for you both.

Perhaps sexual compatability is more of an issue that we care to admit to, or maybe compromise is ok if you are in a happy relationship...

Very few people are 100% sexually compatible all the time. A lot of couples tend to take turns a bit eg one night it's A's turn to have all the things A particularly likes, the next time it's B's turn - this works fine as long as neither partner's favourite thing is something the other partner really doesn't enjoy. After all, quite a lot of specific sexual acts are more physically pleasurable for one person than for the other: if you are giving oral sex to a partner then your enjoyment of it comes from appreciating the partner's enjoyment. And there is nothing wrong with that as long as you get your turn to recieve pleasure as well.

I agree sgb, but I do think its an issue when two people have different preferences with regarding the act of sex itself, ie one prefers it to be gentle and the other prefers it rough. IMO sex is nicer if you are both happy with the way you do it!

As a woman, I find 'gentle sex' boring. It just doesn't turn me on. It makes me want to snooze, to be honest. So, yes, I think it is 'normal' for him to be more turned on by 'rough sex'.

However, it is not OK if it makes you feel bad, obviously.

It sounds as though it's possible that the OP feels more aware of how her life and body have changed since having a baby and this has made her feelings about sex change as well. As long as the relationship is otherwise OK, it sounds like a few good chats with the H will resolve the situation comfortably.

I'm the opposite. I HATE rough sex. But at the end of the day this sort of thing is purely personal preference isn't it?

don't make the mistake of going along with the idea that the only "good" or "complete" sex is sex where the male partner has an orgasm

AnyFucker is spot on here.

Fiventhree, until about 1999 or so, until I met a woman who'd spent two years living in Greece I wasn't fussed about bumsex either. She loved it and so did I.

As for 'rough sex', IME most of the women I've had sex with do love having their legs over my shoulder whilst being shagged hard. There have been a couple that prefer the feathery stroking style of sex though. Not fussed meself either way.