If divorced or divorcing, how do you get over the feeling of being hated by ex

[feelokaboutit]

That's it really. Have 3 dc and a terrible relationship with h who is capable of not talking for weeks on end, and has controlling / angry tendencies. Dc are 6, 8 and 10 and it makes me really sad to think they might have to grow up with a separated mum and dad, but it makes me even sadder to think that they will replicate our awful relationship just because it is the only model they had . Just now h has told me to buggar off in such a cold way over something trivial and I feel crap. Feel much happier when he is not around and do seem to regain confidence quite quickly amongst people who are chatty and friendly, but feel awful when he and I are the only adults around (as this morning when he has just really coldly told me to buggar off).
Very scared of initiating and separation procedure as I think h will be difficult all the way. Also, I own nothing and cannot leave with nothing (h owns house) so this will lead to terrible fighting I am sure as h already divorced once and very wary. Only problem with this is that I am quite passive by nature and h, when angry, can be really really horrible (verbally). Don't feel I have the strength for a fight, but also don't want to waste the rest of my life with someone who hates me.
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Plus, don't know what kind of custody agreement h and I would come up with but am really scared of not living with dc all the time. However, don't see how I can carry on feeling so anxious and hated all the time either.

Am crying and feel awful. A symptom of how awful our relationship is is that h won't even notice, let alone care. He has ostracised me for over a week now over another fight, consequently I am not talking either. I don't know, I blame myself for stuff but at the same time surely I am not THAT awful??? (not perfect and have damaged relationship as well). At the best of times h and I can be superficially chatty, but we never talk about anything that matters to me, NEVER.

Got to whiz off to work but didn't want to leave you unanswered and feeling like crap.

You do realise he treats you as if he hates you because of the kind of person he is, I hope? It's not about whether you're hateful, it's about his need to despise someone, and you're nearest and (he believes) a captive audience for his Big Man Act. Have a look at the Abusive Relationships thread and you'll not only find your H in there, you'll find some of the exact things he does and the exact phrases he uses. It's all like a script from the Abuser's Manual.

Off to do school run so quick reply. My ex hated and despised me throughout our marriage at the end and still does. I had a breakdown over it, it's hard to be hated by your partner in life, the wasted energy of trying to be good enough so they will actually like you let alone love you?

Two years on I couldn't give a shiney sh*t despite him still making regular nuisance of himself and soon neither will you HTH.

Your post has made me feel so sad because this is how I felt about 6 years ago.

My ex sounds very like your h and I thought that I must have been such an awful person because of the way he spoke to me and treated me. In the end, I just had enough one day and left.

In time I realised that the way he behaved towards me showed more about how he felt about himself than anything else. It was obviously just a way to bolster his fragile ego and make him feel better about himself by making me feel inadequate and useless.

We have a son together and he does still try and cause problems but I've reached the point where what he thinks doesn't matter and, in fact, it's his relationship with his son that he's damaging.

You say you feel happier when he's not around and feel more confident, imagine feeling like that all the time without him.

My OH left 4 months ago, eventually , and I am gradually realising that I am not the person he said/says i was/am...it's a revelation!!

I would recommend you reading some of the links on the top of this thread. Where i am sure you will find your OH lurking with all the other abusive partners....

I found the Lundy Bancroft book particularly helpful.

Your OH will probably be difficult all the way...but that is what lawyers are for..and you really don't want your DCs to think that this is a normal relationship or way to treat some one whom you love!

Keep posting,there are many people here who have been thru' similar and will hold your hand as you work out what you want/need to do.

It is tough and tiring, but not nearly as tough and tiring as living with the treatment that you are handling at the moment.

TBH, I couldn't care less.
Personally, I despise him for what he did and the way he treated me, so his feelings are not really that important.
But then I did get past the need to be loved by him.

If you are unsure of your rights do get legal advice. The possible outcome may not be as bad as you think. :-)

You could also get counselling just to feel more confident about yourself too and about any decisions you may need to make regarding your marriage.

If someone treats you like shit while you're together, they'll treat you like shit afterwards. But honey, being able to walk away and close the door on them.......waking up in the morning knowing that nobody will suddenly be horrible to you for no reason - oh, I cannot tell you how much better life is! I used to dread payday because I knew he would be furious about me paying off my credit card (used to pay both our living costs) - he wanted me to go into more and more debt every month so he would have more of my earnings available for him to spend. I used to count the magpies ("one for sorrow, two for joy...") whenever I saw them, trying to predict if he'd be in a bad mood when I got home.

I can't give you any tips on how to turn him into a nice ex. All I can say is that far, far better an ex than someone you have to live with every day!

ummm...Goodfather...we are answering the OP...you clearly would like to open up a topic of your own...feel free and I am sure many will come an join your discussion with you.

I don't think your response was for the op who was just told to "b*gr off" which would clearly be inappropriate from anyone, male or female? And who clearly is trying to think through the impact on her children, hence the post. As any Goodparent would

Godfather, it sounds like you have your own axe to grind. THis isn't the place.

OP - you say your H owns the house. No he doesn't. It is a marital asset.

Piss off GoodFather. There's a good lad.

OP at first you still care, then gradually you don't distance and time are wonderful healers!

goodfather i think im the only person who was glad to read your post ..... because your spelling is even worse than mine !

(disclaimer , dont agree with what he said , just excited that im not the worst at spelling anymore)

I was hated loads by my exh, at the end and after, I think he still hates me. I didn't hate him untill a year and a half after he left, everyone gets to a breaking point.

I don't hate him back any more.

I had a breakdown from all his vengence actions that went on for years, and all those he recruited to harm me as well.

I felt horrible and twisted when I was angry and full of hate, I am glad I don't feel like that anymore, I feel happy now.

I imagine angry hatefull people are not happy deep inside.

I agree with Foolonthehill - I am realising I am not the scum he thinks i am - and his behaviour is nothing to do with me and my actions, but it is everything to do with him. It is like the scales have fallen from my eyes and I too feel free of his restraints and simmering anger and resentment.

Feelokabout it - his behaviour is never your fault - it is all about him, you are not making him behave in this way, it is all his own doing. I hope you can find a way of not blaming yourself.

Um...yeah.
Back to the OP.
In a nutshell, you realise it's his problem, not yours. If you had cheated on a good man, or been abusive to him, that would be different. But this just sounds like he was a pretty hateful person anyway, and now despises you for disempowering him by walking away.

ooooookkkkkaaayyy! awkward! back to OP!

Oh go away!

Crikey Godfather. Are you trawling posts in the hope that you'll find one where you can growl at an OP?

OP clearly wants to have a civilised relationship with her H/ex, otherwise why would it sadden her so much that they've been given such a negative example of conducting relationships?

Whilst it might be appropriate, sometimes, to point out that the OP should try and put the interests of her children first when conducting her dealings with ex/H in the future, this was not the time or the place to do so without coming across as a tit.

Goodfather, I don't think it's the fact that you can't spell that makes you look stupid.

Haven't read all the responses but in answer to 'how do you get over the feeling of being hated' I would say it happens naturally with time and distance. The way you feel happier when he's not around? Imagine how good you'd feel if that was the permanent arrangement. It takes time to stop caring what they think but it does happen.

At the moment you're under his influence. It's how controlling bullies operate. They make you believe that you're not a nice person, their bad behaviour is mostly your fault and that you have no alternatives to staying around. It's all false, of course, and purely designed to manipulate and oppress. It's going to be unpleasant when you tell him it's over and you may only walk away with your children and the metaphorical shirt on your back to start with, but anything is better than a life with someone that wrecks your self-esteem, poisons your children's minds and has you living in fear and anxiety.

You do not have to do this alone. For advice on practical matters such as finance, custody and accommodation talk either to CAB or a solicitor. Knowing where you stand legally will boost your confidence. Ask family and friends for support rather than face him on your own. Get some cash around you... savings can be a life-saver. Once you have an exit strategy you'll feel stronger and you'll know what to do next. Good luck

Hi, thanks for all your messages. I feel better today (and yesterday) but undoubtedly things are not good between h and I. Very very difficult to contemplate separating as I don't work at the moment (though am trying, maybe not hard enough) and I cannot imagine the possible fallout in all kinds of different ways, from a divorce. It's easy to bury my head in the sand when things feel fairly stable (though distant) but when there is an awful exchange between h and I like the one on monday, then I become very depressed and kind of imobilised (one m or two?). Undoubtedly I have done my own damage to the relationship, but that doesn't change the fact that h cannot and will not talk about anything. Very very defensive. This is not the kind of relationship I want with another adult but it seems that for the moment (until I win the lottery), it's what I've got.

Thanks for the links as well, very interesting and some of it fits.

you need a lawyer/solicitor for practical advice on how to divide finances and kids when you leave.

and you need a very good counsellor to talk you thru the emotional bit and get you strong enough to take that step. this current set p is no good for you and above all no good for your kids to witness.

speak to your GP and ask for referral to NHS counsellor - you should get six sessions and that should certainly help you on you way...