I told him "I don't love you anymore" and it's like I never said a word. This isn't normal.

[tobeheard]

Just want a bit of advice really.
Quick background - me and DP have a dd of 17 months. Our relationship had problems before I got pregnant, and since our dd came along we've barely had a relationship, separate beds for the last year, no sex since dd was conceived, he's a self-employed workaholic, we spend no time together, eat tea in different rooms now etc. Basically our relationship has totally broken down due to my resentment towards him.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, 2 weeks ago I told him I no longer love him, cannot love him as too many patronizing and belittling things have been said, I can't deal with the lack of support with dd and no help at home, no sex life, no social life, we just basically have no relationship at all, we are two flatmates with a dd. When I told him he wasn't surprised at all and told me I had to decide what to do, that he hadn't made the decision, it was up to me and to get back to him when I'd decided.

This is the bit I don't understand - since that evening 2 weeks ago he is acting like the conversation never happened, he's chirpy, being nicer to me, like he's not bothered at all. Perhaps he is relieved? I let things lie for a week and then asked him to talk a week ago - he got defensive and refused saying I'd said all I needed to say and we can talk another time. It has now been 2 weeks. He hasn't brought it up at all, he's not acting moodily or angrily or upset or anything. He is acting totally normal. I need to discuss things further, financial things, dd things, the practicalities. But if he won't acknowledge what needs to happen then what do I do?

Surely, if someone you were with told you they didn't love you anymore you wouldn't carry on as things were before would you?

I'm just bloody confused!! Can anyone shed any light? For the record, we have a huge communication problem - ie, he gets very defensive if I try to talk about relationship things, everything always gets swept under the carpet.

Feels like heaven to me...

there you go then. that's your picture to work towards and it's far from unrealistic or over reaching x

Tobeheard, any develpoment? What are you going to do?

Did you use to work? Have you stopped sll together? How Do you find it?

All Quiet - like you, I am waiting for the chat again, I've asked him to talk this weekend. I know it has to end as I can't see how we can go back to anything like a couple.

We've not slept in the same bed for a year (due to breastfeeding at the start)..it was supposed to be short term but then I got so resentful towards him for the lack of suppor t that I didn't want him back in the room.
Not had sex since dd was concieved 2 years ago.
We are literally just like flatmates with a baby now. And I mean literally, not one thing coupley, not one thing as a family. Nothing.

we had a conv yesterday. I told him I am not trying anymore. He was angry but more than anything shocked. He still believes this has got nothing to do with him because he has not got a problem, and so nothing to resolve: I am the one with the problem, the mad one and I should get it fixed so we can all be happy. and you know t made me think, there is nothing more to say.

I am determined.

Hi I just have to say

This was me 6 months ago, we split (finally! after much much stalling), it was hard for, ooh, 2 days, then the RELIEF kicked in...

We are both much much happier, and getting on really well as co-parents at the moment, far better than we have done in years.
I'm also very pleased with myself for forcing the issue when it could have been so very easy just to muddle on for another few years.... so if you're sure, do it NOW! It will be far easier than you imagine; you've done the hard bit already :)

promethea how fab that you can co-parent fabulously. good on you. I am so very jealous

OK - can I play devil's advocate here - if someone I was with told me they didn't love me any more, I'm afraid I would become mercenary - I would be moving money to a secret account, taking names off documentation, getting legal documents drawn up - preempting any move towards seperation/divorce.
If they left to spend some time away with dd etc I would change the locks and not let them back....
In my book, you only tell someone you do not love them as that final resort, prior to leaving..... maybe he is quiet for a reason.....

bytheway I see your point and a valid one too for divorce is well known for NOt being fair but I would NEVER do that. IMO, naive if you want, respect and trust is what I had and respect is what I will continue to have. Despite dh lack of many things dishonesty is not one of them (till now at least) and so I'd refuse that corse of action (wise as it may be). doing that jeopardise any chance of co-parenting nicely.

(I may come back to you and let you kick my arse thoough)

Oh I'm sure he has done somethings like taking names off wills etc (he did actually say that when I told him).

However, I'm very surprised Bythe Way1 that you would change locks and not let them back in!! We have a daughter together, you don't do things like that. Also, how very childish to do something like that. You talk, you don't just change the locks!

AllQuiet - yep, my partner thinks he's done nothing wrong either and that I'm a "nutcase".

BytheWay1 - it wouldn't matter if he moved money to another account as we have no joint finances AT ALL. He refused.

Like you though, I do wonder what he is up to. Although a decent guy, I know from previous business venture he had that he tried to get the other business partner to leave withouth actually saying anything, do they call it stonewalling or something?

Promthea how great for you that you are successfully co-parenting and getting on so much better and are both so much happier. That is how I hope things will turn out for me and dp. I can see as getting on so much better as friends, naive maybe? Hope not.

tobeheard stonewalling a great tactic, my brother is very fond of it (he reduces many great girlfriends to pulp with it). it is awful to the other selfesteem. I am the same.

tobehread the similarities continue... how uncanny.

Dear all
Well Im new to this posting lark - been reading avidly for many many months in a very similar situation to all of you - we have a dd 2.5yrs have been married for 4.5 ys. Rel has just disappeared, separate rooms, separate lives pretty much, externally nobody would guess that there were problems but when dd went to bed and friends/family were not around we do not speak - he sits on his sofa playing computer games, I sit on mine reading MN and huge deafening silence ensues.
He helps with dd but does nothing around the house - never remembers anything I ask him to do, simple tasks, like pay the vets bill, buy some milk on the way home - boring every day grown up kinda stuff, so I remind him again and again and again - his reply 'oh shit i forgot' on and on. Makes me feel like nothing I say is important, he is very able to remember to do things important to him.
Things came to a head a month or so ago, I told him I couldn't live with him anymore and needed some time to think. He went to live at his folks house and had dd one night a week and every other weekend. after two weeks of him moaning about wanting to come back to his home and how he has as much right to be here as I (both names on deeds so correct) and how unfair I was being I gave in and he came back.
so another 2 weeks have passed, we've been to one relate session.
We have now agreed to separate - perfectly amicably until we get onto matters of the house and he gets stupid and childish. He thinks we should be able to take it in turns in the house - I think this is a ludicrous idea? Any advice would be welcome as to how to move forward. House is on the market, but it was on the market for 8 months last year and didn't sell.
I can just say that I feel enormous releif - I have been thinking about this for so so long and now just need to get the practicalities sorted.

goood luck to all of you

I think that often one gets the strength to do it once the children are out of baby stage... One cannot stand looking after a baby when the babies are no more, i guess. My younger is now 3 and i want my life back. Well done to you!!

told me I had to decide what to do, that he hadn't made the decision, it was up to me and to get back to him when I'd decided.

So, did you get back to him? Have you either asked him to move out or told him that you are moving out? Have you asked him what his thoughts are on visitation, and when's best for him to have DD? Maybe he is actually waiting for you to come back to him and until then, is putting it out of his mind, possibly some form of denial?

tobeheard - no, not naive at all!
I have had to bury a lot of my resentment and grievances, but I've found that has been a massive relief, too. And easier than I thought!

MadameChinLegs I have asked him twice in the last 2 and half weeks if we can talk, that we really need to talk, he just gets defensive and moody and says he doesn't want to do it now.....I have asked again this week and he agreed that we would talk at the weekend. Hopefully that will happen.

Luckybun - sorry to hear about your situation but I'm glad for you that you have at least gone to Relate and agreed amicably to separate.
His suggestion of you both taking it in turns in the house seems like a very strange idea yes. It would give none of you stability and surely just drag the whole splitting up process out.I can understand that as you both own the house you both feel you should be there, of course. But it's not really workable to take it in turns is it. Could one of you agree to rent until the house is sold? Would you partner not be willing to do that so that your dc can at least remain in a place he/she knows?

How are you coping with it? How is your dd coping? I am hoping my partner will agree to splitting up, it surely is the best thing in the long term. I don't want my dd growing up in an atmosphere where her parents only speak when she is around etc.
Good luck to you.

tobeheard good luck this weekend. One thing I have realised is that we do not need anyone's permission to split up. of course it is better if we both agree but really in most cases relationship finish because one wants out, at least apparently. I must admit I have the same block, and maybe that is what has kept me from asserting myself as I normally would have done: and that is the promise we made to be together, to do this (the family) together, the fact that our dc are not just mine nor his, they are ours and always will be, but most importantly that these dc are persons in their own right and theoretically we were going to make it for them too. It feels like a betrayal, like a running away when things get tough etc. But now I know that is not the case (or I am getting there) and the reason I think that is because, as I said to dh on fri, he had given up a long time ago - the only difference being that he never told me that. I am not doing something he had not done or felt. I am just doing it a bit more openly. It is a way of clearing my conscience a bit I must admit, but it is also, I feel, a way of rebalancing the positions.

I have been dreaming of my future new little cosy house/flat where to feel me.

I don't know you but I always find myself sobbing when watching add. Such is the level of desperation.

Oh and have you watched Mad Men - that was another bell-ringer for me.

tobeheard - thanks for your kind words - sadly neither of us can afford to rent somewhere. I'm coping ok, enormous relief to have finally come to this decision and I think he is feeling the same - both avoiding eachothers company, living separate lives.

AllQuietOnThePippisFront - ditto,I hadn't said anything to him that he hadn't already felt, thought. us women more vocal I think. And oh my god, yes that ad is a real tear jerker but gives hope that even through the tough stuff there is light at the end! (think mine would be stronger than a cuppa though if truth be told!)

Going to see solicitor on Monday to get the low down on who has rights to what etc

have a happy mothers day tomorrow - at least we have our dc's ! xx

Mother day sealed it for me. I have said it and off to make an apt with the solicitor. I have nothing more to say to him. In fact i do not want to speak to him anymore than i have to for at least a year.

Spent 3 years trying to get mine to talk about stuff. It was never the right time. It was one of the unreasonable behaviours I cited in the divorce petition. In fact, it is verbal abuse (sounds weird that refusal to talk is va, but so true...)

Well don't forget that you have contributed in your role as SAHM. You can find a good family law solicitor in your area here:
www.resolution.org.uk/