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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very worried about the state of my best friend, please advise.

29 replies

McPhee · 11/03/2012 17:17

Basically we've been best friends since we were at Junior School, and she means the world to me. We've been through some really bad times together, but this time I really do not have a clue what I can do, if anything, to help her Sad.

Nine years ago, she was emotionally forced in to having a termination by her so called DH, and really since then their relationship has been under some strain. They've got three children, and over this time I feel like her DH has basically stopped parenting them, and instead wanted to be their 'friend'. This means my friend is doing all of the disciplining alone, and her children have played her and him off of each other, knowing that daddy will take their side. He's been known to call her bad names and taunt her infront of the children, so they copy him Sad. Her mother has had a lot of MH problems over the years, and this is thrown in to my friends face as well, with him saying, again in front of the children, that she'll end up in a mental home like her mother. Twice this week I've had her in tears on the phone, and I feel totally helpless. Yes I can listen, but I don't know what I really should be saying to her.

The latest today is that her (D)H has told her she needs to leave the house and she clearly hates her children Sad

Please help, I'm 6 months pregnant and struggling a bit myself but I can't just ignore this Sad

Thank you.

OP posts:
Hassled · 11/03/2012 17:21

Has she said that she wants to split up with him? Maybe you need to ask the question - sometimes that's all it takes for someone to realise that yes, that's actually what needs to happen. And then you'll be there for the practical advice - getting her down to CAB to see what benefits/maintenance etc she'd be entitled to.

If she's adamant that they should stay together, all you can do is listen, I'm afraid. Poor woman.

Original poster
McPhee · 11/03/2012 17:27

The ridiculous thing is that they've just moved house, actually thinking that it would help for a fresh start. All that's happened though is the stress has become worse, and my friend has been left to deal with pretty much everything whilst he just carries on behaving like a tosser. Unless it's for him, or his interest he's not bothered. Oh I fucking hate him right now Angry

She's saying she won't leave it would have to be him. He's saying she won't cope with three children, and he'd take them away.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 11/03/2012 18:03

He is abusive.

She is the only person who can act to get herself out of this marriage and on to a better life. And that will be a very difficult thing for her to come to terms with.

Can you encourage her to call Women's Aid, 0808 2000 247, just to talk to a sympathetic and knowledgeable person about the ins and outs of her home life, and how it's getting her down?

That could be a good first step to her shedding the denial she must be in to still remain with him.

Keep talking and listening to her, and ask leading questions, to help her come to her own realizations and to make up her own mind ("What does he do when... How does that make you feel?... What do you want to do about it?..." etc)

ImperialBlether · 11/03/2012 18:25

The poor woman. How awful. And of course if the children are given a choice now there's a risk they would choose their father. Christ, I can see a situation where he's got the children and suing her for maintenance.

I really don't know what she should do, I'm sorry. It's a nightmare situation. I suppose if she went to counselling, the counsellor might be able to speak on her behalf if it came to custody.

HoudiniHissy · 11/03/2012 18:36

She needs to get WA and a Domestic Violence Outreach worker around to see her ASAP.

She is not mental, she won't end up in a mental home, and he won't take the kids off her.

He is saying all of the above to keep her under his control. She knows this is not true in her heart of hearts and by her saying she is not leaving, but he is, she shows to me that she has spirit and fight. She can do this.

The best thing however is that she gets advice, learns what her individual situation really is and plans accordingly. It may be that she can leave and apply for a residence order and get him removed. She needs serious advice seriously fast.

Original poster
McPhee · 11/03/2012 18:39

I really really wish I could wave a magic wand for her, I want to make it all better. People keep telling me not to get involved, but how can I ignore what's going on. The problem is, I know if i mention WA or any of the above then she'll stop talking to me through fear.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 11/03/2012 19:15

Bloody hell - who keeps telling you not to get involved? She's your best friend, of course you are involved.

Why would she stop talking to you if you mention the WA?? I don't understand?

Would she come and post on here herself? Maybe the Mumsnet collective would show her that he's wrong & give her the strength she needs to deal with him and his disgusting behaviour?

Other than that, I don't know there's anything else you can do that hasn't already been suggested or hire a hit man

Original poster
McPhee · 11/03/2012 20:37

My family keep telling me not to get involved, mainly because I'm pregnant...stress..blah blah blah. Also that I shouldn't come between a man and his wife Hmm. But bloody hell, if this were me, then I know for sure she wouldn't just step back.

I might be wrong but I feel like as soon as WA is mentioned, then she'll get scared of doing anything because it will be 'real' iukwim. My partner asked me this afternoon if he'd ever raised his hand to her. Now I know of only one instance of this, probably back about 11 years ago, so pre children, when he pushed her against a wall during a row. As far as I know, and I can only go on what she's told me, he's not physically abusive. It's mental and emotional, not that that makes it any better.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 11/03/2012 21:30

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves :) Would they expect you to keep out of it, if it was your sister? Actually - maybe they would if they think you shouldn't 'come between a man and his wife' that says it all really.

No - and in fact it's almost worse because they fuck with your mind. If they actually 'hit' you then it's more tangible, more 'he did that and it's unacceptable'.

Have you tried asking what she would like to do about it?

It's so hard I know :(

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 11/03/2012 21:37

I might be wrong but I feel like as soon as WA is mentioned, then she'll get scared of doing anything because it will be 'real' iukwim.

I do know, and you are probably correct: because once it is "real" then she will have to face it and act. And she won't be able to face it until she's ready.

Don't be her knight in shining armour - it's not your job, and she will still be a victim if she requires "saving", iyswim, when the goal is for her to become the hero of her own life. But do keep her talking, as she is more likely to hear what comes out of her own mouth, rather than any outside advice, however well-meaning. Keep up with the open questions - who what why where when how. It's the best way for her to consciously realize how she feels, and what she wants.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Original poster
McPhee · 11/03/2012 21:46

My partner wanted us to just turn up there this afternoon, to see what was going on and how DH would act whilst we were there. But, knowing what my partner is like he wouldn't be able to just be normal, and the last thing I want is to make anything worse for my friend.

I'll keep plodding on, and just hope to god she can realise what's happening to her Sad I'll call her tomorrow night, because I know her DH works nights.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 11/03/2012 21:57

It might not harm your friend to see your partner's reaction to her abuser. She has no idea what "normal" is anymore, and to see normal, healthy disgust at the way she is treated could be one of the very useful nudges she will need to shed her denial.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/03/2012 08:51

Your partner sounds lovely :)

I think you did the right thing not going for the reason you didn't.

Just keep talking to her and letting her know that you are there if she ever needs you, day or night.

OR as I said, point her in the direction of MN.

CailinDana · 12/03/2012 09:28

Your instinct that if you mention WA she'll run scared is probably right unfortunately. It is essential that you don't go in all guns blazing, it just won't work. She might leave but chances are she'll go back again and her shit of a H will have even more ammunition to use against her.

She has been mentally beaten down for so long that she just can't see that his threats mean nothing - she is probably terrified that he will take the children from her. Men like this never ever ever take the children by the way, they have no interest in the children, they just use them to batter the woman. If they did split I would imagine she'd have trouble even getting him to see them once a week. He sounds like the type who would have a second wife pregnant with two years, and would conveniently "forget" his first family.

Chipping's suggestion of putting her on to MN is a good one, or failing that perhaps buy her a book? I'm not well up on the titles but I'm sure the knowledgeable ladies here will point you in the direction of a few. She needs to realise of her own accord that things must change.

ThePinkPussycat · 12/03/2012 09:41

OP I had mh problems (depression) from childhood, and thought that they contributed to the problems in my marriage. But it was the other way round - the emotional, verbal and financial abuse I suffered made me ill. Since filing for divorce last Sept my mh has improved out of all recognition.

There are a number of useful links at the top of the support for abusive relationships thread, would your friend look at them? Lots of people on the thread who might be able to help as they have escaped from similar (or are working on their escape).

Original poster
McPhee · 12/03/2012 19:38

Chipping, he is lovely, and has listened to me talk endlessly about this over the last 5 days.

I'm planning on calling her after nine, once all the children are in bed.

Thanks for all your advice so far, I might need some more when we've spoken.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/03/2012 21:06

We'll be here.

Original poster
McPhee · 16/03/2012 23:09

I've finally managed to speak to her tonight, and I'm so happy to say she has finally has the courage to confide in her husbands mother about what's been going on. I'm not sure what will happen from here on in, but my friend has made it clear she wants nothing said for now. But, at least now there is someone else who knows. Her MIL is obviously mortified, angry and ashamed of her son. She also told my friend that her husband was the same, and that's why she left him. So it looks like history is repeating itself Sad

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 18/03/2012 08:51

Which is why it's so crucial for those of us in abusive relationships with DC to get the hell out!

Well done McPhee! She knows she has you too to back her up, hope she can stick to what she has to do.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 18/03/2012 11:09

McPhee - that's a start isn't it. I'm thankful that her MIL understands (though it's obviously sad why she understands) and will hopefully be supportive. It will be very hard for her MIL not to say antyhing though wont it :(

arthriticfingers · 18/03/2012 13:10

Can I just say what a wonderful friend you are McPhee and your partner sounds as if he is understanding and supportive, too. Just remember about horses and water.

Original poster
McPhee · 18/03/2012 13:42

It is a start, and I was quite tearful when she told me what she'd done. That was a massive step for her and a bloody brave one.

I need to call her again later, she called yesterday but I wasn't well.

Thank you for listening and helping me

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 19/03/2012 00:00

Whatever you and your friend need in support, if we can help, in any way, please let us know?

Original poster
McPhee · 19/03/2012 21:38

Thanks Houdini

I can't see there being a quick ending to any of this. She's already put up with it for years, and I reckon it could take her just as long to leave unfortunatly Sad

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 19/03/2012 21:44

We (various posters that I recognise on this thread) know that only too well, don't we ladies, one of the many reasons that we are with HoudiniHissy on her last post (if I may make so bold as to speak for us)