Getting worn down by husband's lack of respect

[mamut]

I was made redundant my p.t. job 2 years ago. We have two under 5s. I was lucky in my previous job as I worked from home and could fit in my hours around the family. I am looking for work and have had interviews but haven't had any job offers yet.

Anyhoo. My husband frequently rants at me that he didn't think I'd be a SAHM when we first got together and he is embarrassed by it. He searches for vacancies on my behalf. However, when I look I prefer to look for local, p.t. posts. He on the other hand thinks I should be prepared to travel 3hrs per day and even consider f.t. work. I really want to be here for the kids as much as possible when they're so young but I want to get back into the job market so understand that some sacrifice is probably necessary on this front. I think we differ on just how much though. We are comfortable financially so money isn't really an issue.

Well, to top it all off, for international woman's day I made a reference that I should have been "celebrated" and I hinted that I'd welcome flowers (the tradition where my husband is from) - and he replied that only working women deserved them.

I'm getting sick of the put downs. It doesn't help that some "friends" in work speak of how they couldn't be at home SAHMs (they'd go crazy, brain dead etc).
Any advice on how to handle the situation? Am I being unreasonable to not want to enjoy the kids when they're little?

I feel sad reading your post. Two children under 5 is alot of hard work (and still young and needy IMO, plus in a few years those days will be gone forever). Some men are very hung up on this issue as I see it alot on this board. I think you are doing the right thing sticking to your guns about what is right for you, thats all I can say. The comment about the flowers very insensitive and hurtful, you do work .....

It's a logistical nightmare having both parents work full time when you have 2 under-5's. Could you research chilcare costs? And of course you'd need a cleaner. I'm assuming he'd be willing to do his share of the rest of the chores and take time off to go to school events/look after the children when they're ill, etc?

He hasn't thought it through, has he?

I have been through a similar situation with my DH. I finally blew my top one day after having months and months of sly digs being made at me. I told him that I'd had enough. We had lots of other issues as well and ended up going to Relate.

Afterwards we did actually sit down and work out what kind of hours I could reasonably work (and I included travelling time as well), and what he would have to do to support my working those hours. After that conversation he backed right off. I did finally get a job and amazingly he has done everything he promised he would do!

"Well, to top it all off, for international woman's day I made a reference that I should have been "celebrated" and I hinted that I'd welcome flowers (the tradition where my husband is from) - and he replied that only working women deserved them."

How utterly, utterly tragic. I think you need to blow your stack at him and tell him that unless he packs in the bullying, he will have to go, and he will have to find the money to pay maintenance AND a new place to live.

How DARE he say such mean things.

Add up the costs of the care needed to run your home if you were out of it all day.

Or better yet BILL him for the time YOU are spending running the home, caring for the kids and servicing HIS needs.

I'd go on ffing strike if someone said something that mean to me now!

I'm willing to bet that he's mean in other areas too. Who cares if you can afford to stay home and want to? Why is he embarrassed? I'm betting he's not, he's resentful. Does he pull his weight with the kids/housework? Does he do bathtime/Storytime?

Is he a bit mean with money or does he moan about the cost of things a lot.

"he replied that only working women deserved them."
What the actual fuck ! Tell him that only non-twattish men deserves wives!

Tell him that only non-twattish men deserves wives!

Hear hear.
Could be the motto of the Relationships board, this.

He's a bell end and needs a reality check! OP, you do work hard and the demands of two under fives are relentless.

I guess a frank exchange of views is required but if it was me, I'd just blow my stack and tell him to wind his bloody neck in!!

Agree with the others who say you should let him know how much it would cost him to pay others to run your home and care for your kids!

Has he ever looked after your DCs alone for more than 2 consecutive days?

It sounds like nothing will ever be good enough for him. If you were working ft with a long commute he'd be telling you off for 'neglecting' the dirty dishes in the sink.

I don't think you get to decide unilaterally to be a SAHP.

Your DH obviously doesn't want to carry the financial burden alone.

He clearly thinks your job-search parameters are way too narrow to allow you to find a job. It sounds like he might have a point.

"Who cares if you can afford to stay home and want to?"

Um, the other adult in the household expected to work full time to support her?

Thanks for the posts. Sorry for just getting back now but I had to go out this afternoon.

tallwivglasses - we always had issues dividing chores when I was working. And I always had to take time off when the kids were ill because I could catch up later but ultimately because my job wasn't as important as his.

SageMist - we went to Relate in the past (problems with him sharing finances although we were planning to start a family although that's a whole other thread!). I have made my case about how longer hours would impact on our lives but I don't think it's real for him. I feel like applying for jobs that are further away as I'm sure that even if he had to cope with the school run, child care, dog walking etc even for one day he's struggle! Encouraged by the fact that you managed to make it work though.

HoudiniHissy - I think by being mean he thinks he'll motivate me in some way... He's ok with the kids. Prefers not to do bath/bedtime but he does do the cooking. He does tend to disappear for naps at weekends so I never get time off. I suppose he could be seen as a bit of a bully. But I bet he could never see it.

Darieneconnor - no, he never looks after the kids for any length of time. It would be a struggle for him.

AThingInYourLife - to clarify, I didn't decide to be a SAHP I was made redundant.

You do make a good point about him not wanting to carry the financial burden. It is something that troubles him. This was the issue with him not wanting to share finances as he felt he couldn't trust me (by the way I do not fritter money - I'm extremely careful and a bit of a scrimper).

However, there's no way he would consider not working full time. His career is his life. So I don't think he feels that I expect it of him. I'd be more than happy if he wanted to work part time.

I am And pissed off with the widespread attitude that SAHP don't work!

How times change! When DM wanted to work, when us 2 kids were in our teens, DF was mortified - he thought it was a slur on his ability to provide.

I thought it strange a few years back when lone mothers were told it was better that they put their DC in nursery and take low paid work (possibly in a nursery) than that they look after their own children at home. Meanwhile, there was a general vibe that the kids were turning out wild because of lack of parenting.

Child of the 50's that I am, I really thought equality was going to be about fathers having the choice to stay at home, or flexible working allowing parents to share being at home. Not this mad rush to be exploited go out to work at whatever cost.

You are working! Full time.
How dare he insinuate that you are not working.

List:
cook
nurse
nanny
cleaner
laundry
teacher
personal shopper
food planner
arts and crafts doer
nappy changer or toilet attendant
can't think of any more as I've blown a fuse

Now, I'm not sure of the hourly rate for each of those mentioned but flowers and respect and some help from him would be cheaper.

I can see his POV, I don't condone his methodology though I will quickly add. Bringing up children is very hard work but it is fun and full of tangible rewards which is perhaps more than he gets from his career. I'm thinking he equates work with self respect which might explain why he is showing you so little.

Can I suggest you ignore his snide comments but do pin him down for an honest and open chat about your expectations. I'd follow this with a weekend away for yourself leaving him with the kids-ALL WEEKEND. No leaving meals, no notes on how things are done and a single phone back each day. He will soon get the measure of what's involved and hopefully, enjoy a bit of one on one time with the kids.

"
You do make a good point about him not wanting to carry the financial burden. It is something that troubles him. This was the issue with him not wanting to share finances as he felt he couldn't trust me (by the way I do not fritter money - I'm extremely careful and a bit of a scrimper).
"

Why did you not leave him when he didnt have enough trust and respect for you to have joint finances in the first place? Fuck me!!

I always try and see the other side of arguments here, but this guy is a classic example of a bully.

And as for the SAHM bashers - get off your high horses, the OP was made redundant, its a nightmare out there and whats more, she has two children under five, did you not read that or are you just using the OP as an excuse to SAHM bash, look - being a WOHM is great, but i imagine it comes with alot of guilt and sadness that you can't be at home with the children, so don't take that out on SAHMs, its so transparent. Yes, im a SAHM at the moment, but ive been a working mum too so don't even think about starting on me

he sounds like a bit of a twat, and id be very hurt by the constant lack of respect.

Not sure international womens day was supposed to be another hallmark day for flowers and cards though

Does your husband trust you with the money now? That would ring alarm bells big time with me.

The way this reads to me he is showing signs of being financially abusive as well as emotionally abusive.

Looking after children is hard, but it's also rewarding, mentally challenging and (if you're prepared to give it some welly) ultimately deserves enormous respect.

I hugely admire and respect my husband for halving his hours because he wanted to share childcare with me. He sees it as deeply important to be there for them, especially when they are little. He does all the chores that come with the job. He knows what other mothers go through -- not just after hours and at weekends but the hard, quotidian stuff.

Many of our college friends are high flyers (Oxford) and cannot really understand us not monetizing our gold-standard degrees to their fullest potential.

Your husband is a chauvinistic oaf.

Regarding the Women's Day and flowers, is he Russian? The culture is, erm, perhaps (how best to phrase this) a little behind the progressive curve.

slowginny - yes, I think that sounds the way ahead - to discuss it dispassionately. As SageMist suggests we should make a realistic list of expectations. And I love the idea of a whole weekend away!

Goawaybob - we did resolve some of the financial issues after counselling - opened a shared account for bills, put house in both our names etc. It seemed resolved. He has many good points too though so I like to consider the whole person.

otchayaniye - He's Italian. There they give little bunches of mimosa. It isn't at all commercialised. Most time they're "borrowed" from people's gardens or sold on street corners.

Not sure if he trusts me completely with money. Thinks I spend too much on gifts if I go over £10 a head! I've been eating into my savings for treats and the kids' Christmas pressies.

Is it a cultural thing?

My DP is Nigerian, once our first child reached 18 months I was prepared to go back to work, was having lots of interviews... I think my enthusiasm scared him, maybe that I'd grow a pair of balls! So I was talked into ttc DC2. He has to be the provider so I think he has issues with me being a threat to his role. This is an issue in itself and in many ways no better than your DH's apparent prejudice against SAHM's.

You must feel under alot of pressure though, I'm SAHM to a 3yr old and a 9month and its relentless. I could visualise going back to work either PT/FT with just having one... but not with two at the ages they are now, especially as my baby DS is still heavily reliant on BF still, he'd be devastated to be parted from me right now.

Sorry not much help, just offering my sympathies.

Mamut half my family are Italian as is my mum. Boys are worshipped and girls are treated as second class citezens and im afraid you are seeing the result.
I wasnt allowed to do half the stuff that my brother was. Pleasure in life is often denied in the italian culture if you are female.
Boys are over protected and cossetted from the realities of life. I have not been to Italy since childhood and do not intend to.
For some reason my mum didnt bring us up bilingually so i dont speak Italian either.
A couple of months ago i watched my female cousins wedding DVD. The misogyny was practically leaking out of the screen. A male cousin on the DVD (speaking in English) went on and on about how at long last his sister had found a man.
Then later you saw the groom handcuffed to a gate (apparently to symbolize the fact that he was married (trapped now) Ha. Aa you are finding out OP it is the wife in this who is marginalized and treated as less important.
So really in my opinion if they wanted to play at stereotypes my female cousin should have been metaphorically chained to the gate not her new husband.

"He does tend to disappear for naps at weekends"

Please can someone do a spot of research into why ALL twats seem to need their naps?

even abusers are nice sometimes OP, you need to assert yourself, no matter the consequences at the moment. If you don't you will lose yourself completely. It won't improve all by itself.

Stop the rot NOW OP. Put your foot down and break the chain of this appalling imbalance.

((((HUGS))))