I have just had enough of being a referee..

[missmakesstuff]

This is a long one, sorry.

My parents live a few hours away, which always suited me fine, we are not very close, more close to my mum, tolerate my dad for various reasons, difficult to get on with, selfish, at times has really let me down with horrible behaviour, but nothing really bad(no abuse or anything). I left home at 18, see them a bit.

Have dd, nearly 2. they dote on her but see her probably every three months or something. Suits me fine, we have been away wuth them, which has been ok, but DH is less happy about this. I do have to brush them off a lot about trips away, for example, they wanted every bank holiday this year taken up with family stuff - I said no, we have our own family, we need to spend the time together alone sometimes.

Now my parents decide they will move down to us. they can do this for various reasons to do with dads job, my mum will take care of dd. This initially was my face but I am better with it now and can see the benefits, my mum will benefit loads (she isn't well and works a manula job with low pay, so here would have a better quality of life), my dd will too, it will make life so much easier as we have no other support here, I work and I have had to take so much time off with dd sick, it has begun to affect work - but this would be solved.

I do feel a bit trapped by their decision, I don't want to spend more time with my dad, he infuriates me, but I can see that I have to be an adult about it, it's happening, nothing I can do to change it.

DH however....cannot stand my father, does not want him here, just cannot see the positives, every time I talk about it he just gets this look, goes silent, will not discuss it. I find myself having to make jolly talk or change the subject as he just looks so angry. I have suggested things about how we might stop them just dropping over every 5 mins unannounced, or pointed out the positives - but nothing makes any difference. It's got so I don't feel I can talk about it.

I am just dreading when they are here, I will constantly be the one trying to jolly things along, make sure everyone is happy, deal with his silent strops, it is going to be bloody exhausting! I just do not want to be the one who has to be an adult about this - I am ignoring my own feelings, which atm is blind bloody panic at the thought of my dad being so close and the instinct to sell up and move to another country, why can't he see that we just have to deal with it? It would be the same if it were his parents, but the difference is he rarely speaks to them, and is happy to never see them. We have just seen them and spent a fortune on paying for a trip away with them - but apparently it s somehow different when it's mine, and they are actually going to save us money on childcare!

aaargh...I just hate having to be the adult, just want to stamp my feet and just tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone so I can be selfish and immature for once!!

I know there isn't any advice to help, I just need to get it off my chest...

because you don't 'just have to deal with it'?

you're not happy with the idea and he's really not happy with the idea so why would you just go along with it? the fact that they would decide this and then present as a done deal shows they have no respect for boundaries or you and your dh so of course if you let it go ahead you will be constantly battling against their lack of respect for boundaries and yes of course it will put massive pressure on the well being of your family.

is it really worth doing that to your own family in order to go along with your parents?

Has your mum actually said she will do the childcare and care if your child is ill? Because you seem to be using this as the only positive

And your DH needs to grow up and start getting along with people!

Agree with Boston, your DH needs to grow up, what's his problem with them?

It would have huge benefits for them, is why I am going along with it, my mum isn't in great health, nothing that would stop her looking after DD, but enough that I really don't want her doing the cleaning job she does now, she would be over the moon to have dd every day, she has said so. It would be a major benefit to dd to have her nanna around, as it's hard with no family support here, we are thinking of having another, but the only thing that has made us wait is the childcare (couldn't afford it) and the fact that when dd is ill we have to take time off, I am a teacher and it is really difficult, he has difficulties taking days off too. I also dodn't cope well for a while after dd was born, bordering of pnd I think, c sect, I think next time I would feel happier having mum around. last time they came to stay for a week - it drove me nuts, I didn't want anyone staying in our house, the benefit would be they never have to sleep here again as they would be living in the same town!

so money, having family close, support, childcare, also benefits for my mum, I think we would spend time together and I have friends who have mums the same age who might get together with her, she has no friends where they live really. I also think being close I could persuade her to try and take it easy a bit, take the pressure off, the benefit for her seeing dd everyday would be huge.

The only downside is my dad. we both (dh and I) agree on this. He is obnoxious, selfish, hypochondriac, overbearing, possessive of dd, and frankly a pain in the arse. he will never change, Dh gets angry because he has seen my dad make me cry and he of course hates this.

so yes, he does need to just deal with it, part of me wants to act like him, but I feel like I have to be the adult all the time, I cannot see an end to it.

My sympathy. We have a similar situation and I have not found a way to solve it. I often get fed up with it - sick of being in the middle, and wishing DH would cope without being so grumpy.

All I can say is that over time the situation changes, children grow up, childcare stops being so much of an issue. I think the advantages of having them close which means visits can be short and not involve overnight stays really is something to be appreciated. It is much easier to cope with most people (even best friends) when you see them for a few hours rather than several days.

i kind of feel for your dh (unusual for me ) - imagine this was the other way round and you were on here saying that your fil was overbearing, a bully, obnoxious etc etc but you'd handled seeing him and letting the dc have a relatioinship with him for your husband's sake and because it was bearable because they lived a long way away. then that your ILs had announced they were going to move to the same town and take a massive part in the raising of your child and your husband was just going along with it despite knowing that you really, really did not want this.

i think you would have massive support with people saying this was unreasonable and you needed to put your foot down. you'd have people saying it was unsuitable to have your child in his parents care if your father was so awful and that it was unreasonable to expect you to go along with that when it was your child and you should have a say in who looks after them. i'm sure you'd be told by some that YOU were his family and what you want should come first above his concerns about his mother etc etc etc.

i'm sure you'll get lots of support on here but i do think you also need to consider it from his point of view. he really, really doesn't want this but you've decided he just has to put up with it - you're unilaterally deciding things that will make a massive impact on your family and marriage and ignoring his view - you're also unilaterally deciding who is suitable to look after your dd. reverse it and everyone would be up in arms.

I also think maybe DH would be more relaxed if you didn't plan to make it an every day thing with your parents - maybe once or twice a week. Maybe you can do trips out with your mum and dd, and limit the time your father is part of it.

So your DH is expressing exactly the same opinon as you are? You don't want this man around due to his attitude etc however you are going to let the same happen to your children. Why? They need you to prevent their life from being the same as yours, just like you couldn't as a child they cannot protect themselves now.

Why don't you ask DH to be the 'bad guy' and make a firm 'no this is not happening' statement and go along with it?

That way you get what you want without looking like the bad guy.

You don't have to accept your father being around more. The fact that your parents are completely ignoring what you want and that you are rolling over and doing it for a quite life suggests you may need a little help to learn to be stronger and less of a push over.

Can you not continue the childcare that you have, and when they move then use your mum as emergency backup so you don't have to take time off? You'll find it much rasier setting boundaries if you are not beholden to them, and your dd won't have to spend as much time in your father's unpleasant company - because if he's a shit to you he's not going to magically change for her.

and i think you are really underestimating the strings that will be attached to this help, especially once you're reliant on it.

God, how awful. I would hate them to move near, in your position.

I don't think the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. I couldn't bear having your dad nearby. He's possessive of your daughter - that's going to be a nightmare if they're living near you.

I agree with the poster who says let your husband be the bad guy. Your father clearly doesn't respect you, so won't take anything you have to say.

I would say to your mum that you and your husband are thinking of working abroad for a few years so they shouldn't make any plans to move as you may well not be there.

I know this sounds awful but if your mum's health is poor and she dies, you'd be left with your dad living up the road.

Practically speaking, why are you taking time off when your DD is ill? Can your dh pick up the slack a bit?

How will you benefit apart from practically? You do realise your mum will probably take more of a role raising your DD, stepping on your toes etc?

Maybe your dh sees it the way he does because it's not right. Your FIL isn't a nice man - how would you feel if he was like this with your DD?

Thank you Swallowed and Throckenholt, that does make sense, I know, I do totally see it from his view, because I feel the same too. My dad is not dangerous, or violent, or a worry in that respect, he just rubs me totally up the wrong way and isn't the easiest person to get along with. he works, so would be out all day, so the time he would spend with DD would be for a bit in the evenings before I get home to collect her, and the weekends/holidays when we are around.
He has been on better behaviour for the last while, my mum sort of lets him get on with spouting nonsense and making plans for everyone then I think has a quiet word or several once she has chance, and he then will come back with a sensible option, so he has calmed down a lot, I am hoping that short visits will be easier to deal with, god knows we don't deal with him staying here!

Swallowed I totally get what you are saying, I know I am expecting a lot of him, but I have made it clear I don't really want this either, but we have also discussed the benefits - being able to have another baby without worrying about how we can afford childcare, not having them to stay, dd being happier with family rather than being with strangers, when she goes to school neither of us will be able to go and see anything or have anything to do with the school because of our jobs, it breaks my heart to think about it - I feel less guilty thinking of my mum picking her up though, she would love it too.

I just wish he would discuss it properly rather than holding it all in, getting angry but not saying a word, then one day he will just get to the point where it will all come out, I can do no right then, because he will bring up conversations we have had that I have forgotten about by then!

This has been in the pipeline for ages, but they told us this month they are putting the house on the market, so its actually real - maybe I just need to let him deal with it for a bit before discussing it again.

I am just getting through the rest of the replies! sorry, in the middle of cleaning the kitchen too.....

I have considered all of the above, I know it will be no easy option, as having my mum take care of DD will mean we feel beholden to them, I know this. At the same time, my mum has always listened to me, and I think if I said - for example, please dont give her this, or that, she would listen. I am going to sit down with her beforehand and talk about the boundaries we need for it to work. This is though, absolutely the right thing for my mum, DH agrees, he has said if it were just her, he wouldn't even have to think about it!

I had a great childhood when little, I only remember dad being fun and a great laugh - when I was a teenager, less so. We argued because I am strong willed, and so is he.

I am laughing at pushover - seriously, if you knew me, I am certainly not that - if anything, its why we don't get on - I will always tell him what I think. We have told them that we are not going to live here forever, that we might have plans to move abroad, that we wouldn't want them to move here and then us move, and then feel we had left them here after being uprooted, they have taken all this on. They do seem to be considering how we feel about it to a certain extent.

I very keenly feel the need to make sure that he isn't the same with DD as he was with me when I became a teenager, but she has me and DH to stand up for her, any hint of him being argumentative with her and I have made it clear he wouldn't see her.

there most definitely are benefits.

But yes, I still feel uneasy, I still am not up for them popping in every 5 mins, as I like our freedom and independence.

I really cannot see how on earth I could ever have just said (or DH for that matter) 'actually no, bog off, we don't want you here'. Can any of you actually, really imagine saying that? Because I can't - I mean taking it from the point that he isn't dangerous, or violent, is certainly not a danger to my family, could any of you say you would do that?

I just want DH to realise how difficult it is for me to be in the middle of this.

what is the point of him talking about it? you've decided whether he likes it or not what is going to happen to his family. you have totally overruled what he wants and decided you are the one to make the decision and he just has to go with it.

i hope you appreciate the gamble you are taking with the future of your marriage here.

you've chosen your parents over your husband.

So it's one or the other? really? I have to decide? because that isn't actually practical on any level, is it?

I am just a little bit incredulous that anyone, given my situation, where my family are NOT abusive, they love my DD, where it is beneficial to my DD and them to see each other more, and would benefit us practically and in terms of support having my mum about, where the only issue is that one person involved in this annoys the hell out of both me and DH, that basically anyone else would have no other answer than 'no, you can't move here, bog off'.

Really?! Am I really being unreasonable to think that DH should tell me how he feels, discuss this with me, and come up with solutions so that we can make it work, because we have to, because they are my parents and I would do the same for his, because they are family ffs.

I am at a loss what to do and I thought I could come on here for some advice about how to manage a difficult situation that we are stuck with, not get told I am basically a selfish cow who is ruining my marriage.

Knew I shouldn't have posted in relationships, seriously.

Thanks to those who have suggested things to think about, which I have, and have decided to make sure we will discuss boundaries with them, and helped me to see it from his point of view. I will continue to try and manage the situation so people don't get upset, but I do feel alone in trying to please everyone, and now I feel like a selfish cow too, thanks.

The only downside is my dad. we both (dh and I) agree on this. He is obnoxious, selfish, hypochondriac, overbearing, possessive of dd, and frankly a pain in the arse. he will never change, Dh gets angry because he has seen my dad make me cry and he of course hates this.

Just because he is your father why is this acceptable? Why do you have to put up with this? Family is not an excuse or reason to accept unacceptable behaviour from someone. In fact it is worse that family who are meant to love you treat you this way.

Your DH loves you and doesn't want to accept people around who make you cry. Why is that so wrong? Why should he suck it up and allow this person near his and your precious child?

no one has called you a selfish cow but i did give you my opinion that it seems pointless your dh 'discussing' something that you've already decided and ignore that he really doesn't want it. he doesn't agree with you - you want a conversation where he agrees with them coming and talks about ways to deal with it but in which it is a given that they are coming. he doesn't want them to come.

it doesn't 'have' to happen, you are choosing to let it happen against what your husband wants - that's bound to create problems between you. that isn't slagging you off it's pointing out the facts.

He is obnoxious, selfish, hypochondriac, overbearing, possessive of dd, and frankly a pain in the arse. he will never change

i really can't blame him for not wanting a man like this living on his doorstep and being involved with his every day life and dds upbringing. he doesn't want to them there but you are choosing to ignore that and effectively force him to put up with it. of course he's not happy.

and i think it's debatable whether that constitutes abusive behaviour - a man who is so vile to his daughter he makes her cry in front of her husband sounds pretty abusive to me. and a woman who goes along with her husband doing that to her dd wouldn't be childminder material imo.

I really feel for you. This is difficult. I agree that it would be very hard to tell someone where they can and can't move to. Something shouts out to me though, which is you excessive, but understandable desire to protect and help your mum, from your dad. It is not, IME wise to get yourself in the position of making up for a lack in your parents' lives together.

I think there probably are practical solutions, as throckenholt says, but I wonder if your DHs total rejection of this plan, is a response to feeling that you are more worried about your mum, and bound up with your family of birth, than you are him.
I also think, because of this, it would be unswise to enter into any Childcare arrangement

If you are to make this work, you'll need to set clear practical and emotional boundaries.

sorry your excessive etc etc

I think what others are maybe responding to is the fact that you are getting annoyed with your husband for expressing how you really feel. You talked about being an adult - there is an argument that an assertive adult would tell their parents how they felt about the plan.

You have decided this is not practicable

Instead of trying to jolly things along, pretend you are fine, can you tell your dH how you really feel, and tell him you need his help? Maybe this will spur him to discuss it with you properly, which I do agree he needs to do.....

I hope some of this makes sense.

Thanks Original, it does unfortunately make sense.

I am worried about my mum, of course. I do feel the need to protect her, for a long time it was the two of us when dad was away lots in the forces, it's very difficult though. I wouldn't even have considered it if I hadn't thought there would be benefits for my mum and my DD having her around - and me too, I do need my mum about sometimes and it's been difficult having her so far away. She does deal with the way he is, at times I haven't understood why, I sometimes think I will never understand how it works with them, I think sometimes she just puts up with him, but then they of course love each other too, I have seen that very clearly.

The last time my dad really upset me was well over a year ago now, and since then we have seen him change a bit, I told him then, in no uncertain terms, that I was not happy with how he behaved and that he wasn't welcome in our home if he behaved like that again, he was on his very best behaviour last time they stayed, I can only hope it will last. I think we will just have to talk about the boundaries we will have to have with them and DD, ones we can both agree on, because I don't have another option, I really don't.

Thanks to all of you for the advice though, I know I got a bit shirty but I am really struggling, I spend so much time trying to make sure everyone is looked after and happy, I feel so stuck between the two sides of my family - and they are all my family, I can't change that! If I did tell them they couldn't move down here, I would basically have no family, because I know they wouldn't be able to understand why - I spent a lot of time not seeing my grandparents because of my dad's disagreements with them, and I don't want that for DD either.