I have just had enough of being a referee..

[missmakesstuff]

This is a long one, sorry.

My parents live a few hours away, which always suited me fine, we are not very close, more close to my mum, tolerate my dad for various reasons, difficult to get on with, selfish, at times has really let me down with horrible behaviour, but nothing really bad(no abuse or anything). I left home at 18, see them a bit.

Have dd, nearly 2. they dote on her but see her probably every three months or something. Suits me fine, we have been away wuth them, which has been ok, but DH is less happy about this. I do have to brush them off a lot about trips away, for example, they wanted every bank holiday this year taken up with family stuff - I said no, we have our own family, we need to spend the time together alone sometimes.

Now my parents decide they will move down to us. they can do this for various reasons to do with dads job, my mum will take care of dd. This initially was my face but I am better with it now and can see the benefits, my mum will benefit loads (she isn't well and works a manula job with low pay, so here would have a better quality of life), my dd will too, it will make life so much easier as we have no other support here, I work and I have had to take so much time off with dd sick, it has begun to affect work - but this would be solved.

I do feel a bit trapped by their decision, I don't want to spend more time with my dad, he infuriates me, but I can see that I have to be an adult about it, it's happening, nothing I can do to change it.

DH however....cannot stand my father, does not want him here, just cannot see the positives, every time I talk about it he just gets this look, goes silent, will not discuss it. I find myself having to make jolly talk or change the subject as he just looks so angry. I have suggested things about how we might stop them just dropping over every 5 mins unannounced, or pointed out the positives - but nothing makes any difference. It's got so I don't feel I can talk about it.

I am just dreading when they are here, I will constantly be the one trying to jolly things along, make sure everyone is happy, deal with his silent strops, it is going to be bloody exhausting! I just do not want to be the one who has to be an adult about this - I am ignoring my own feelings, which atm is blind bloody panic at the thought of my dad being so close and the instinct to sell up and move to another country, why can't he see that we just have to deal with it? It would be the same if it were his parents, but the difference is he rarely speaks to them, and is happy to never see them. We have just seen them and spent a fortune on paying for a trip away with them - but apparently it s somehow different when it's mine, and they are actually going to save us money on childcare!

aaargh...I just hate having to be the adult, just want to stamp my feet and just tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone so I can be selfish and immature for once!!

I know there isn't any advice to help, I just need to get it off my chest...

it is doable boundaries wise - i live near my parents who are, well, not right! the difference though is your husband. i didn't say it's going to put a strain on your marriage to be cruel btw, just that i think it inevitably will. he's being railroaded into something that he really doesn't want - first in the huge way of them moving there and then it will be a million and one little and not so little ways over many years to come.

it's not a one off argument and distance between you being caused by this - it's ongoing and over and over again in all likelihood as each battle, annoyance, disagreement etc occurs. or even every time you have to see them which will end up often won't it? and every time you're worried they're overstepping the mark with dd or undermining you or him or both.

it's all very well saying put in boundaries but difficult people are difficult because they have no respect for boundaries and they tend to just keep pushing them which is exhausting. by letting your mum take care of dd you are setting the boundary right in your front room effectively - that's massive influence over and autonomy with your child.

you need to find a way to communicate with dh but it's not easy because you've already decided and will be expecting him to just accept that and come up with strategies for staving off problems - that's a big ask really when the strategy you want is for them to not move there at all ! it's going to take some time isn't it?

how about asking him to think about or write down the things he would need to be agreed upon and where he'd want the boundaries IF they came? don't push for a conversation right off that means he's having to concede to their coming but instead put it to him and let him think it over in his own time and see if he comes up with anything. given he doesn't want them there i think if he does come up with boundaries/limits/rules he needs you should really respect and uphold them - obviously within reason.

but i do think you're going to have to own that this is your choice rather than you have no choice. that may also help with him in that you're admitting what you're doing and taking responsibility for it rather than passively letting it happen iyswim. that would inspire more trust in me personally.

do bear in mind also that your parents will retire, get older, have health problems etc. are they the types to make friends, do hobbies, have interests etc or will they make your family their whole life?

I don't see how anything you say can stop them moving near you if that's what they want to do! It's not really your choice, is it - it's theirs. And it will be nicer for you while you need a hand with childcare. You will just have to make sure they respect that you will also need time on your own as a family.

I would have those conversations before they move! Then hopefully you can reassure your DH that it's not as though they'll be living with you, just near you.

That does make sense - when we first talked about it, he did agree that he thought it would be ok eventually, I think though this was 6months ago or so, it wasn't decided and now the reality is kicking in a bit for both of us.

They do have hobbies, we have been pushing that lots with them, and I have said to them that we have our own life, that we value our time together as we work so much during the week, they did agree this was important, so I just have to make sure they remember they said it! They are pretty independent actually, for now anyway, in that they like to go away in their camper van and do outdoorsy stuff, I am going to make sure I get mum to take DD to playgroups etc so she might meet other grans, we have friends who all have family looking after their kids so I will pick their brains. I think actually their quality of life will improve which will hopefully put my dad in better humour, as he has been under stress with his job, so with that off his shoulders (if he can actually get a job here, which is the next hurdle) then he may start to be less of a pain.

I am going to sit DH down with a bottle of something nice to discuss it properly, I have got quite upset reading the responses so I am aware now I have got a lot to deal with before this can happen, I am going to take some time to talk to my mum properly about my worries too and the rest of my family, once they know, they are being told this weekend. My Gran is actually aforce to be reckoned with, so if I were to speak to her about it and our fears, she will also put my dad straight.

Why is it we can't choose our family again? who made that rule?

olgaga I have made sure they think that every area within about a mile-2 miles of us is pretty awful and not somewhere they want to live, with the result that they are going to look across town from us, which is perfect as far as I am concerned, we certainly do not want walking distance.....

We have lots of friends who have various degrees of 'gettingonness' with their parents and have them looking after children, and it has really hit me for the last two years at how alone we are here, I hurt my back very badly a while back, and had literally no-one to help - DH had to work, I was laid out for 5 days with no way of properly looking after DD or of getting her to the childminders (which is a 30min drive, near my work).

It just made me feel so helpless, we desperately need the support my mum can offer - and the school thing too, I am a teacher, so could never go to anything at dd's school, at least if my mum is there I won't feel so bad.

So will pick the brains of the friends I think, as to how they make it work. Right, thanks for all the food for thought, off to bed.

I think that if you're having misgivings now - before they've even arrived - the whole thing is doomed. It's akin to those couples who have a baby hoping it will shore up a relationship that is on its last legs, only to find that it makes things 10x worse.

The pay off in terms of your mum's happiness and ease of childcare is just not worth it.

And unless your DM is capable of standing up to your father (which seems unlikely), then you should be aware that if they have a disagreement over your way and his way, his way will undoubtedly win. Your DD will end up being brought up with your father's model of childrearing, not yours.

I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear and I can appreciate the massive fall out if you change your mind on the decision, but the fact that they presented you with a fair accompli rather than suggesting it and fully involving you in the decision suggests to me that you are always going to be in the wrong over something with these people (usually anything that disagrees with them).