Help! Don't know how to cope with parents! Quite long

[lepetitchoufleur]

Ok, this is a long one. I'm planning my wedding at the moment and my folks are being a handful and their behaviour the last couple of weekends has left me all at sea. I don't know how to please them.
Basically, DH and I had a very short informal registry office wedding a while ago and had decided to have a celebration later when we could afford it. So that's what we're doing. He is quite "blokey" and doesn't really want to be involved with the planning so I'm happily doing it and enjoying myself. My father got quite shirty when we said we'd be paying for it and said it was his role etc. etc. so I said thanks dad, that would be great please do pay if you really want to. He doesn't know but I'm saving up as well just in case he can't really cover all the costs. We have a bit of a history of him loudly expressing that he wants to pay for stuff and me actually paying but anyway....
I've only really given serious thought so far to the venue and the dress. I looked online for the dress, sent loads of e-mails to mum with options asking for her input, looked at sites with her before falling in love with one.
Did similar for the venue. When I found a place that has history for me and DH was affordable immediately rung them for their thoughts, arranged a appointment for all of us to go look at the venue, asked them what they thought, got costs etc from the venue, ran over them with the parents, got the contract from the venue and e-mailed it to Dad for his input before I signed anything. Of course I've thought about some other things but only to the point of "oh x might be nice.. I'll look into it later" certainly not done anything concrete without running my ideas by them.
Last saturday my folks called and asked to come round to discuss the wedding. I agreed and sadly my mum started talking over me and like an idiot I snapped a bit and said "For god's sake mum stop talking and let me finish" She blew her top and gave me a dressing down the like of which I've not had since I was a child. I didn't respond, just busied myself playing with DS. They left a few minutes later after asking a couple of questions about who we are inviting which I answered as smilingly as I could. I was devastated, and cried my heart out as soon as DS was safely in bed. DH was at work so he knows none of this.
This Friday my dad said he wanted to take me out for lunch. He sounded serious so I agreed to meet him. He took me to a pub and gave me a lecture about how I'd made them feel like they were nothing more than guests, I'm not involving them, my mum's really offended by how I'm treating her and how I'm selfish and must promise to involve them more. Oh and he'd like to invite a group of his own friends that I don't know to the wedding. I was literally shaking with anger and sadness but I kept my cool, said of course I would left and had another cry in the car before going back to work.
And what I'm asking is this does anyone have any clue how I can involve them more? Seriously, what more could I have done?! I don't know where I've gone wrong or how big an involvement parents traditionally have in the organisation of weddings. Normally they are NOT this controlling, we're very close.
Sorry for the essay. HELP!

Actually, either you let them have their wedding or pay for yours, if those are their terms.

My parents paid for mine and organised a bit of it, because I was abroad, but I decided the guests and pretty much everything that mattered.

I meant you pay for yours. :)

I'd tell them that you'll be paying for the celebration that you want then. Don't let them think that they can control it all

Your dad's offer to pay comes with conditions, if you don't like the conditions then I think your only option is to pay for it yourself and do it your way.

I sympathise, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. We've just changed our plans and decided to get married abroad because our families were spoiling what should have been an exciting time for us.

Perhaps your mother has many idle daydreams of walking arm in arm with her daughter looking bridal shops or flicking through bridal magazines over coffee?

If you are paying you have full control. If they are - then I think they can have a few of their friends to share their joy, do that proud parent routine...

DH and I got married 17 years ago in April, and I still can't look at the photos without wincing with misery. It created a great deal of resentment between my Mum and me, and I'll never forget, nor quite forgive, her hijacking of the day. I should have paid and had the wedding I wanted, instead of which she spoke of it as HER wedding and called all the shots - even down to whether we could have beer at the reception. Awful. I've had the happiest of marriages, but I still regret not having the day I hoped for all those years ago.

You pay and have what you want, or let them do it and do it their way! Or maybe ask them what involvement they would like and let them air their views, and see whether there is any middle ground - perhaps she could sort out the flowers or something. So sorry you're having a tough time of it - but it's YOUR day and something you should remember with happiness and joy for the rest of your life.

Hope you end up having a lovely day.

I think a wedding is the brides day. I have been happily married for 13 years and did it my way, from he shoe laces to the reception. It was my way, or don't come lol

This is why we declined my parents' offer to pay for our wedding. In the event, my parents stumped up for the venue hire and DH's parents for the booze, but only once we had made it totally clear that we had already chosen both the venue and the wine.
If you take the cash, you have to dance to their tune. So either crash out now or bow completely. There will be no reasonable middle way.

Hi lepetit,

re your comment:-
"I don't know how to please them".

Well I can say hand on heart that its not you, its them. You did not make them this way. I guess too you've always felt like the above comment with regards to them. You won't manage to "please them" either because they always move the goalposts and add underlying unspoken conditions to their approval. They do not think you are somehow "capable". Controlling people are often angry people as well.

Do you have siblings; if so how are they treated by your parents?. The same?.

Both your parents seem to me to be unpleasant, dare I say toxic and controlling to boot. Its all about what they want you see and they want their own way on your wedding plans, you are infact of no importance to them. This is about power and control. Do not let them have their own way on this; you are an adult even though they treat you like you are 5.

You may want to read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth. You also need to set in stone firm boundaries re them and what you will tolerate or accept; if you already have boundaries re them raise them a lot higher.

I'm with truly on this one - married four years and have probably looked at my wedding photos twice - my friends thought I looked so unhappy on the day they worried I'd married the wrong man. My dad noticed none of this and still recalls it as "the best day ever" as he got to show off to his brothers about the cost of the reception etc. I also cannot understand parents thinking it is ok to invite people the bride and groom barely know. I remember talking about our guest list and numbers to MIL once, who chirped "well don't forget about MY list" - WTF??

We plan to do it all again on a beach somewhere once our DCs are old enough to be a part of it. So I d advise paying for it yourself and doing it just once - your way!

Dubaipieeye: are you in Dubai? So am I!! Nice to meet you ...

(Sorry for the hijack, OP.)

Choufleur, your parents are making this all about them: your dad's manly pride, your mother's hurt feelings, their feeling entitled to give their adult daughter a dressing down (wtf?)

Your job is not to please them.

You are an adult now. I know it is hard not to revert to your child-self when faced with one's parents, especially if they have always been this controlling from a time when you were too small and weak to resist.

You can learn to resist now, in adulthood, though.

Basically: it's your wedding. You do not need to coddle them, or give them their way on any aspect that makes you the slightest bit uncomfortable. They can deal with it like grown-ups, or demonstrate just what childish people they are.

Do pay for it yourself, though.

What is it about weddings which turns perfectly nice parents into the nightmare offspring of Pauline Fowler and Basil Fawlty?!

Same thing happened to me but somehow we managed to get through it and we're all still friends.

They were an absolute bloody nightmare though. They were DETERMINED that we would get married in my home town and in church. Anything else was a personal criticism of how they'd parented me. We thought by compromising we'd get somewhere, so my lovely DH (devout atheist that he is) agreed to the church bit on the condition that we get married in London where we live. But that wasn't good enough so we then entered into 'le grand sulk' which included my DM refusing to look at wedding dresses with me because 'you get bombed in London'. Oh they were beyond charming - patronising, offensive to DH re his beliefs (he really is a devout atheist!), sulky.

My particular favourite argument with them was about location. They actually suggested that it was more important that my nursery school teacher (who my DM occasionally still sees and I haven't seen since I left said nursery) attend than my best friend... who I'd asked to be my chief bridesmaid but for various work reasons could only be there if we got married in London.

All of this from the couple who have for the whole of my life whinged about their own wedding and my DGM taking over!

So no advice really except to say that ultimately we had a fab day. You do need to try and filter out the crap, keep a sense of what you are and what your boundaries are... and remember that they will go back to normal once it's over. Giving them something to do helped - if you ask DM she organised my entire wedding but actually she ended up with a short list of very specific tasks which totally consumed her. And looking back on it I think it was the dress incident that made them calm down a bit - she sulked so I went out and bought my dress without her. Actually I think she was quite gutted about it and realised she'd done that to herself.

Sorry that was long. It's years since I've thought about it.

Anyway chin up. You will get through it!!

Hi all, sorry I ducked out for an age there. DS woke up from his nap!
Thanks for all your kind responses, good for my heart.

A lot of you have said what I've been considering i.e. pay for it myself so they don't have to be involved. I might go with that, but I just KNOW they'll take massive offence and consider that another childish, selfish act.

The stupid thing is I'm pretty easy going about the details, I'd be happy to have some of their friends along if the venue has capacity (its tiny, strictly nearest and dearest only so if their mates come some of mine & DH's won't be able to) and i'm more than happy for them to have their way on lots of things. If they'd objected to the venue, I wouldn't have gone with it. They want to pick the flowers? Great. They want to find a DJ? Rock on! There is only one thing I have insisted on and that is that I make the cake. I LOVE to bake and am, in fact, known for my cake prowess. It would be weird if I didn't bake the cake really.

The problem for me is this whole drama over me not "involving" them when I really feel that I have and actually made an effort to make sure they have their say. I feel a bit like I'm not allowed to have ideas or THINK about the wedding. ideally I'd love them to be involved but the planning process to be fun and loving, and at the moments its not.

Argh! Is there anyway I can make them see how I feel without being shouted at? I don't think there is. All ideas gratefully received though.

Sorry to hear some of you have been through the same!!! Hugs to all of you!

Sorry - you got away with getting married without any fuss and now you want to do it again with the psychodrama.

Are you mad ?????

Oh and Limelight we're devout atheists too and for a while weren't going to bother getting married at all! Mum was upset about this so I thought she'd be over the moon that we were even bothering! Liked your post though. Basil Fawlty indeed :)

So - you are married. Can the marriage itself not be a celebration of the marriage? Honestly, in your shoes I'd bin the celebration, which, because you did it in a non-traditional way, people will want to shoe-horn into being "their" reception, and instead go out clubbing/to a restaurant with your friends.

What's your relationship with them like generally?

Lol Original lots of people have expressed a desire to celebrant our marriage with us and this struck me as a nice family and friends way to do it. Also we've had a very rough year and we felt this would be a great way to celebrate surviving it.

Daisy generally good. We're close BUT they don't like it when I want to, in their eyes, flout their authority and if they do do something shitty they NEVER apologise (I do) which is why I kind of know I'm going to get more grief whatever I do.

Honestly, think you need to have a calm conversation with them, preferably at their home or somewhere neutral but not lunch (so that you can leave instead of being forced to listen to them).

It seems to me that you have heard what they had to say so far but you haven't really put forward your points of views.

I'd ask them exactly what they want (ie. how they want to be involved) and let them know if that is possible or not.

If you were happy you could easily pass the work of planning the wedding to them, which is fine in a way. Less stress for you.

Yes, sorry I sounded dismissive.
I think a celebration is a lovely idea.

I never understand this idea that the person paying for it gets to control and organise it, like it becomes their day.

If it were my child i would consider it their wedding, their way, that was just so happened to be paid for out of my money. Nothing more.

Are ther any harmless things you can give your Mum full control of so she has a role? Flowers? Food? I had to go to a wedding fair with MIL to make her feel involved even though i hate them and let my Mum come with me to choose dress and gave her control of cake.

It sounds as though you still have a parent-child relationship with them - they don't actually have any 'authority' over you; you're an adult in your own right. If that's the case then no, there probably isn't any way to be get them to understand you're point of view without a falling out. They sound very controlling and the wedding is almost a side-issue to the bigger problem if being treated as a little girl who does as she's told. My parents were/are similar and I had to distance myself a bit as I felt it wasn't healthy for my children to see me being undermined and bullied. The final straw was when I was 'told off' in front of my son for the way I'd disciplined him when he was extremely naughty.

If you're going to be in trouble whatever you do, perhaps you should just do what you want?!

Honestly? I would tell them that you've decided to postpone the celebration, as it's becoming too much of a drama and you've done the important bit.

Carry on saving. Then have, and pay for, the wedding you want. Because if you carry on like this you will be throwing (and probably also paying for) a very posh party for your parents and their friends.